Hi Beebee -

I read your posts on this thread earlier and I have been really thinking about it a lot since then. I think this thing he said - "you are not THAT important" in relation to you taking all the blame for everything is a really really important thing for you to work with.

Here's what I'm wondering (and I could be wrong): maybe he has an idea by now of how central this mode of operating (taking all the blame) is for you, and he's giving you a direct challenge on it. He's doing it in a way that's pretty provocative, and that tweaks one of your other core beliefs - that you are not important. In a way he seems to have got you into a situation that means you have to let go a little bit of one or the other. As in, EITHER the blame is all yours and so you are important, OR you are no more nor less important than your husband, and the blame is shared. I suspect he may be even deliberately stirring for a little bit of anger, just perhaps, perhaps because it might be a useful tool for you as you try to confront these beliefs.

I can hear that this situation is really painful for you. He's challenging some core beliefs, and your instinct is to protect yourself with those beliefs, as maybe you have for a long time (it IS my fault, AND I'm not important). This might account for your feeling like he keeps hurting you, doing it on purpose - he's really challenging you.

It's pretty instinctive for us to get angry when we feel like someone is deliberately trying to hurt us or challenge us - do you feel that? Do you think he might be trying to invite your anger? I know my former T used to be provocative with me quite a lot, and she was also really deliberately inviting my anger, because I think she thought I needed practice at feeling it and reacting on the spot. When I think about this now, I realise how good it was for me. It used to take me FOREVER to realise I was angry. So in a bad situation, where someone really overstepped my boundaries, I would just get confused and zone out, and then realise days later that something bad had happened and maybe it wasn't all my fault as I'd assumed at first.

I do that much less now, and that I think is really good. It means I can protect myself better, and not let bad things happen so easily. So I don't know if any of this is actually what your T is up to, but I can see that either way, really dealing with this stuff head on HAS to be therapeutic. As LL says, it is really important not to keep turning it in and turning it in and squashing your feelings. Either he doesn't know how you feel about this stuff and he NEEDS to know, because he is out of line, or he has an idea of how you feel about this stuff and is actually inviting your feelings and your response on it. It IS painful and hard, but I reckon good things are going to come of this.

One other thing I NEED to say:

quote:

in my family growing up, I was always told that I was being like the devil and only the devil thinks he is the baddest one, so that means I was just like him for thinking that my sins are so important.

Beebee, baby, this is BANANAS!!!! Let me lay this message out to see if I've got it right. You were told:

1) You think your sins are important.
2) It is sinful to think your sins are important.
3) Only the devil thinks his sins are important.
4) Therefore you are (like) the devil.

Where does that leave you, BB? Seems like your options are to a) Ignore your sins (like the sin you've just been accused of, that you didn't know about), therefore becoming a bigger sinner, or b) Think your sins are important, making you the devil!!!

Sorry - that's just bananas - I can't see any way out of that little trap except by recognising that it's JUST NOT TRUE.

It's probably not my place to say that, and as you know I'm certainly not an expert, but in my humble opinion think there is a whole lot of human wonkiness in that message, and I really hope you've let it go. You deserve better.

love
Jones.

BB that's so irritating when it happens, especially when you're tired or a slowish typist like me!! I always copy and paste a long reply elsewhere just in case it vanishes when I press 'post'...seems to happen quite often to me.

starfish

Hey BB,

Boo to disappearing posts!

I can't tell whether I'm here or not.... But I'm giving you a passing hug in either case - you know, the cabin door is unlocked, why don't y'all bundle in and keep the place warm for me while I flit in and out?

xxxJ