I'm hurting right now. Badly. I saw my T on Monday morning after a two week break and had an intense but really good session. I had sent him an email when he was away and had a really bad reaction to his response which has felt very dismissive and about which I got very angry. But I really knew it was coming from me; that he really wasn't being dismissive. We were able to discuss it very openly and talked about the difficulty for me of knowing he was meeting his new grandson in his "real" life and how left behind that could leave me feeling. We, once again, discussed how very odd the theraputic relationship is, bounded as it is to a limited time and place and that it was understandable that it was difficult to experience it as real especially with a background like mine. Talking so openly with him about it is part of how I can really believe that it is real.

We talked about our need to be special, and he pointed out that it's a biologically driven need. And when it's met as a child, we have to later experience the loss that comes with realizing that people outside our family may not always see us the same way, but that's part of the human condition. That even people who had "good enough" parenting struggle with the problems and losses that all humans do. I started laughing so hard I couldn't talk for a few minutes. When I could finally speak, I looked at him and said "So I've busted my hump for the last three years so I can have "normal" problems?" He very wryly agreed. It was a great moment.

The best part was at the end I finally got up the nerve to ask him something I've wanted to ask for a long time but have been too scared to. I asked him if he ever thinks about me between sessions or when he's away. He was very quick to answer and said yes, of course I do. He talked about when the relationship is real and deep that he carries the person with him so of course he thinks of them. And then he pointed out all the stuff in his office (most of which are gifts from clients which we've discussed in the past) and said that he can't help but think of those relationships when he looks around his office.

I left much better having worked through some confusion and difficult problems and on Tuesday had the first day in a long time where I felt really good, and glad to be here. My husband and I had a couples session scheduled for last night, but on Monday night, he heard from work that he was on twelve hour shifts for the rest of the week because of a problem at the plant. He realized he couldn't make our appt but urged me go alone.

So I did, and I wasn't expecting it to be at all difficult. I felt guilty for how much I was looking forward to doing a second session in as many days. So I showed up, explained to him what happened to my husband, and he was fine. I started talking about the kids (we've had a family problem that's caused some issues going on for the last few months, so our couples sessions as of late have been more about our parenting than our marriage which is actually in the best shape its ever been.) I was feeling pretty nervous but not really thinking about it. But one of the things I do when I feel like that is babble. You think my posts are long you should hear me when I'm feeling like that.

Have I mentioned that my T knows me really well? He finally stopped me and asked if I was agitated or nervous? That I seemed to be speaking very rapidly and what was going on. I stopped and realized that I was doing that and said I really wasn't sure. I had made a joke right after I got there about feeling guilty about coming in again alone and he asked me to talk more about that. Then we went into what I fondly like to think of as "velvet bulldozer" mode. He's incredibly gentle and patient, but absolutely relentless. And I recognize that I trust him on a very deep level because although it's excruciating difficult I stay with him.

And so we pursued my feelings of guilt about coming which I've actually had since I started seeing him individually. He was my husband's T first and in the beginning my husband was reasonably not in favor of having me see him alone. But as things progressed, everyone got more comfortable with it. So for a very long time now, neither my husband or my T sees anything wrong in my going, but I always have, I realized as we talked about it. As we pushed through the feelings I hit feeling like I had to compete for his attention. When he asked me how else I could get time for him I really struggled for an answer (frankly, he had to ask about three different ways before I could even understand the question; that's how far I was from having an answer.) The answer was that I could ask for it. But realizing that led to the feeling that I couuldn't let anyone notice me. If they noticed then they would take it away.

It was as I was saying that, that it all connected. When I was little the only sense of connection and care I experienced was during the sexual abuse. And although I was deeply confused and ashamed of it, I was also terrified my mother would see what was going on and I would lose the care and connection. So I was doing what I needed to to get what I needed but I was deeply ashamed of that. To say this realization was painful is kind of like saying it gets a little cold at the North Pole.

My T was incredibly reassuring and gentle and said all the right stuff. But I didn't see this coming at all and felt completely blindsided. The emotions have been really intense. I ended up calling last night just a few hours after the session, then spent some time on the phone with a very dear friend who stayed with me for awhile and i only slept around five hours last night. I managed by sheer force of will to drag myself out of bed and go to work. But the feelings are very difficult to deal with. And in thinking about how I felt, I realized that on some level I despise myself for wanting to live so badly that I was wiling to do whatever it took to do so. I get intellectually that I was a child, and the instinct to survive is incredibly powerful, but my sense of shame is screaming something different at me. And I am vividly remembering wanting to die so the pain would stop.

I know that this was long ago and I've survived it and even that I am blessed with a lot of people who love me, but that all feels so thin in the place of this pain. It's going to be very difficult to hit the "Post Now" button, I don't want anyone to see me right now. But I also know that if anyone would understand, it will be you guys.

And I know I would be the first one to tell people that sometimes you're seeking support and sometimes you're providing it but it feels like lately all I've been able to do is take. And I'm sorry about that. AS always thanks for listening.

AG