I hope it is okay to post this...I’m not trying to trigger anyone who is going through a hard time right now, but to give hope and encouragement to keep going and keep trying. That's what the name of this thread means. It is something my ex-T used to say to me at the end of our sessions. We both play guitar, and this is a saying from a guy on YouTube that means to keep working at it. And he was right about that.
Today’s session with the new T went really well. My T sensed that I needed to talk about what happened with my ex-T, so she reassured me that it was okay to talk about it and gave me the space to do that. We made a good dent in it today. There’s more ground to cover, but I’m feeling a lot of relief just at having a safe space to be heard. And she really is hearing me and affirming everything you all have said. It is building the trust we will need for the work later on.
One thing we both noticed is that I’m talking as fast as an auctioneer. (I also did this with the ex-T and the other T I interviewed) She said she wonders why I’m so anxious, why do I think I need to talk so fast. Then she suggested maybe it’s because I never had this kind of attention as a kid. And I finished the thought, saying I have to talk fast before you stop paying attention. She encouraged me to slow down and take my time.
(My ex-T made a similar observation a few times, saying he could tell I was anxious and to slow down, but he didn’t make the connection to my childhood. Anyway it was healing to see this because I’m taking it as “proof” that he really did care about me. I need that right now because I'm still going through low spots where I feel so sad that he "abandoned me" and that he must "hate" me now.)
The more I talk about what happened with the ex-T, the more I see that it was a perfect reenactment (in principle, anyway) of the very issues I wanted to look at from my childhood. Whether it’s "transference" or reality, my ex-T appears to be the worst of my ex-BF, my father, and my mother all rolled into one. The really funny thing is, when I first tried to explain my understanding of how to use transference therapeutically to my ex-T, he very dismissively said, No, I won’t be your “surrogate” ex-BF. Well, I wonder what he’d say to this?
So even though it’s been really painful and messy and rotten, it’s also a gorgeous opportunity to resolve the very things I came to therapy for – processing the hurts from my ex-BF, which in many ways were reenactments of the hurts from my mom and dad. It brought the issues to “life” so we will be able to find them, and process them, so I can stop trying to “resolve” them by reenacting unhealthy relationships, and so it won’t be so dang hard to endure healthy ones. So there is hope.
I’ve mentioned the people on this board several times already to my new T, and she’s glad to hear of the support I’ve received from all of you. So thank you, again. I’m SO GRATEFUL for everyone’s help through the last month. If it weren’t for you folks I would either still be in unhealthy therapy, or curled up in a corner in the fetal position. I know therapy will be hard, and I won’t always feel as good as I do now, and I’ll need your help again someday...but I also hope I can give back a part of what you gave me.
Take care,
SG