This week was very difficult for me because late monday I discovered that someone I was close to had gone missing from her home over the weekend. She had left behind all her personal items, purse and cell phone and the police were searching for her. I hadn't seen her in person for 15 years but we had stayed in touch through mutual friends and facebook. She lives far away from me but I discovered quickly how much information you can get online about local news from anywhere.

All day Tuesday I tried to call my T but he didn't answer. Eventually I left him a message but I didn't tell him what was happening and I told him it would wait until my session on Wednesday. In the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep. I sent him an email so he would know what was happening when I went to my session. Instead he called me in the morning when he read the email. We didn't talk long and all I did was cry.

By the time I went to my session they had found her body dumped in a field and arrested a family member and charged him with first degree murder. I spent most of the session talking about how hard it was to imagine how she could have been murdered by someone who loved her. I cried a lot and talked about some of the memories I had of us as children or when she came to my wedding. My T was sad with me.

Near the end of my session I got even more upset because I wanted to talk about myself but I felt like I shouldn't. Eventually I told him I felt wrong that I had called him all day Tuesday because I wanted to tell him about it. I knew he couldn't do anything and I talked to my husband, my sisters, my two good friends and coworkers about the situation and I still wanted to talk to him. I told him I hated being so needy and dependent and I didn't understand it because I hated therapy. He told me again (for the millionth time) that being attached and dependent on him wasn't wrong. He also said that he had a busy day on tuesday but if he'd known what I was dealing with he would have made time to talk to me. I told him I was worried I was never going to stop needing him, like I would spend the rest of my life wanting to talk to him when something happened and he told me know it would change...I'm still not sure he's right.

It's amazing but since I've talked to him I've felt better, more centred and grounded. Even after hearing some of the details of the murder during the bail hearing (shown on the internet) I'm sad but I'm not activated like I was on Tuesday. I'm grateful for my T and the way he can accept and understand me in all kinds of different situations. I hope that I can continue to grow to trust him because he keeps showing me he is there for me and I hope I can grow out of needing him so much.

((((incognito)))) I am so sorry about your friend. I am glad you have your T for support through such a painful experience (once someone has touched us, their loss will always affect us profoundly, I think). I sometimes am at a loss for how the world can be like it is. I will be praying for you, your friend's family and all those who were touched by her as they grieve.

Thank you so much for your support.

DF, I appreciate your comment about recognizing that the lack of someone to comfort me probably affected my development. I usually look at the bad side of things. I'm a grown up and need someone like I'm a child. It's not rational. When I need him this much for such a indescribable (and irratioal) thing as just needing to talk to him I instantly start to worry about what will happen if he's not available. Your comment has made it a little easier to accept how I feel so thank you.

Yaku, thank you for your prayers. It is very painful for her immediate family and it is clear she touched a lot of people over her life so there are a lot of people grieving. It seems to help knowing so many other people both near and far are thinking of her.

(((((INCOGNITO)))))

I am so sorry about your friend. How inconceivably awful and terrible. I am glad your T came through for you. It's scary, at least it was for me, to put T in my life as a centerpiece. I put him there. It was hard to admit just how important he is to me. And it kind of sounds like you struggle with the same thing. Maybe the full acceptance of that will help us both grow, that secure base everyone always talks about. You've come so far in 6 months.

HUGS

Liese

I'm so very sorry that you are dealing with such an awful thing at this time, incognito. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.
Please know that we are here for support if you need to chat, and it sounds like you have a very supportive T, too.

((HUGS))

(((Incognito)))

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. That is awful. I am glad that your T is there for you and you had a connected session. That is really important always, but especially now. I hope you are able to take some time and be gentle with yourself.

quote:

It's amazing but since I've talked to him I've felt better, more centred and grounded.

I'm sad but I'm not activated like I was on Tuesday. I'm grateful for my T and the way he can accept and understand me in all kinds of different situations. I hope that I can continue to grow to trust him because he keeps showing me he is there for me and I hope I can grow out of needing him so much.

Hi incognito... first let me say that I am so very sorry to hear of the tragedy of your friend's death. How horrible.

I also want to reference what you wrote above. How since talking to your T you feel better, calmer more grounded, etc. That is because as your attachment figure he also acts as your external emotional regulator. Being in his presence helps to regulate your feelings and keeps you calm. He impacts your nervous system.

Your trust in him grows with his acceptance of you and most importantly his consistency. That consistency helps you to feel safe, along with keeping good boundaries. I really do believe that in time you will grow out of needing him so much. You will begin to internalize him and his voice and that will stay with you and work to regulate your emotions without having him physically there with you. You do need to first learn to depend and then to move through those stages of development that were denied you as a child. And as a child will leave their parents when the time is right... so you will leave your T and the dependency will abate and you will be stronger and able to handle things on your own. And knowing your T... he will always be there if you ever need to go back to him for a check in or a "tune up".

Yes... all of this takes time but I think we will get there eventually.

I'm glad you are feeling better and had such a good session.

TN

Thanks Liese, Broken Illusions, Draggers, STRM, and TN.
I'm writing on my phone. I'm away for a beautiful weekend
And I'm remembering my friend. I'm sad but in a way I'm at
Peace with the sadness