I just want to cry and keep crying and dig a hole to fit in and never come out. I know I'm nuts but I want attention. I want love. Affection. Hugs. Gentleness. Kindness. 

But all I ever seem to do when I really want those things is make her annoyed and exasperated with me. 

This session was really bad for me. I went in with good spirits but they quickly diminished. 

I wanted to sit close and tell a story from the past and work on an activity but got to do NONE of that because I mentioned I was mad at something she said before. And downhill it all went. Me and my stupid BIG mouth. 

But why did she get so defensive. And so annoyed. I'm hurt and scared. I love her too much to consider other possibilities like maybe I should just stop going. I don't want to deal with more hurt. 

I left the session early after crying into a pillow for 15 minutes with no resolve. I cried in the bathroom. I cried in the car. I cried on the highway. And at the gas station. 

I called her and cried. I hung up and cried. 

I had another appt after hers. And I cried at that one. 

I ate icecream and cried. 

The only reason I'm not crying now is I'm tired and drained. And I need a nap. 

I have class tonight too! So I have to try and be attentive and presentable for my group since we're doing groupwork tonight. But I feel absolutely miserable and drained.

I thought calling her would make me feel better. But I just feel skeptical and hurt. 

I didn't want to leave early. I wanted her to stop me. Stop me from running away. No one has ever managed to stop me. 

So on and on I run....

oh dear Forlorn:

I am so sorry that you had a crappy session today...that things didn't go the way that you had planned....I can see why you are feeling skeptical and hurt....Perhaps speaking with your T about this will help bring those tears to an end???

Forlorn,

I’m very very sorry that it felt like your T was defensive about whatever she said. When you talked to her on the phone did you tell her that you felt she was being defensive? T’s should understand that sometimes we perceive what they say differently, and it takes guts to come to them when we feel that they have said something hurtful.

She might have just felt that you misunderstand what she said and wanted to clarify- but she was too harsh about it so it came off defensive.

Whenever I don’t like something that my T says I like to start of telling him by saying something like, “I know that you might not have meant it this way, but this is how it feels to me.” That way he knows I’m just telling him how I interpreted what he said, even though he might not have meant it that way.

I hope you are able to make it through your class okay.

((((((((Forlorn))))))))

I'm glad you "stopped" here to talk about this!

I'm so sorry that your T reacted in such an unexpected way to what you told her. And then didn't press to find out what was hurting. And it doesn't sound like she clarified anything when you called her, either. Of course you are crying, this really hurts...I hope you post as much as you need to in order to get through until your next session. When is it? I hope she will think on this over the next few days and that when you get back together, she will be able to work this out with you.

Big hugs to you,
SG

Forlorn,
This sounds so painful. It's so hard when the one person who is supposed to get it doesn't.

I hope you are feeling at least a little better today and that you can tell her how you are feeling (and she can hear you)when you see her or talk to her again.

oh, sweet forlorn, i just saw this. i am SO SORRY for your crappy session. it is so hard to leave and feel what you wanted to talk about never happened.

was t defensive about the comment that came up that you were mad about?? wow. that sucks that that took the whole time to discuss. i'm not quite sure, but seems you have been going to this t for awhile...seven months?? has this happened before??

i left an appt last week and felt really shitty as i stayed in the 'adult' person in me and the kid never showed up, seemed she wanted to keep me there as an adult, later, next appt, she said that i, as is typical, want to work differently than most. i want to tackle the big things first (the inner child healing) and deal with the little things last (the fuss with another random friend about carpool). and it is true, i felt like the elephant in the room never came out...that is when i posted the bit about her talking TOO MUCH.

forlorn, you helped me out on that thread, and on others. and what happened the NEXT appt was a real turning point i think for me and t. i told her just how i felt upon leaving that appt and why. it took me awhile to process what i felt, and i just spewed to you all on the forum as the thought turned in my mind, and finally landed on the realization that i felt the inner child in me IGNORED and PUSHED AWAY as i was, AGAIN, TOO NEEDY. i told her NO MORE LONG STORIES, and to talk DIRECTLY TO THE INNER CHILD and that she is about NINE YEARS OLD.

well, forlorn, she heard me LOUD AND CLEAR and things have gotten better.

so, maybe journal, or just continue this post to process HOW THAT MADE YOU FEEL and what you want to say to her and what you want her to do next time, get specific, get feedback here, and i for ONE don't mind at all if you just be a post hog like i am at times, and take take take and process what you need to learn and grow with from this experience. ok????

what old feeling did this remind you of?? what did she say that 'stung'?? what do you wish you could have said to stop the conversation from going the wrong way?? was there anything helpful in there?? what did you cry MOST about??

work it through, girl, those tears MEAN something, and are probably old tapes getting plucked!!

massive hugs your way, and encouragement to work it OUT GIRL!!! xxoo jill

quote:

I didn't want to leave early. I wanted her to stop me. Stop me from running away. No one has ever managed to stop me.

So on and on I run....

forgot to touch on this, yes, i am a runner, generally just disassociate, but have run. that sucks that she didn't come after you, i thought about leaving with t1, but knew he would just let me go and i would come back and he would win, so i never played that game.

i suspect, BIG TIME, that she wanted you to realize that you are there because you are taking care of yourself and being responsible. to 'catch' you would set up the mom/child thing, that, as much as we want it, we are adults now, and sometimes, damn it, have to be held accountable to being adults...did i say, DAMN IT!!!! i absolutely hate that part. so, don't take it personally for you, that is i think just one of the tough love things they teach in therapy school that i don't quite agree with for everyone, at least during some parts of the therapy. we need, i protest, to feel that someone cares enough to come find us. but, i think that is an oath they take or something assinine. anyway, put it up to a generic deal, ok? and don't run, stay the course, don't leave on that note. ask HER the hard questions on why she let you go.

i just know every t i have been to has always stated i can leave at any time...i want to send them all the middle finger on that note, so i hear you loud and clear!! but work it out, talk THAT point through, it was not personal, and really, she probably defaulted to what she thought she was supposed to do. you probably threw her one she wasn't really ready for. she is human, too, so don't run. talk it out!! xxoo jill

Still Sad. Crying is controlled one moment then bits slip out.

trying to work today and not retreat under the covers like I want so badly to.

Sarah- I will talk to her again. I originally was going to cancel, never go back, cry for my loss, but even though hesitant, I will talk to her at least once again.

Mac- I did tell her I felt she was defensive. Her response was that she was just "wondering" about why I said the things I did. Which I now think is one big load of *it*. I am not dense. in fact my perceptions are very well-tuned thanks to my fly-off-the-handle mother. So not only did she get defensive, she lied and poorly tried to cover it up which hurts and angers me even more. (sorry, i'm just letting some anger out here but in no means am I mad at or trying to be angry at you. Just steaming, I hope you don't mind my ranting right now)

SG- Thank you. I needed to stop, but am still feeling flighty. I want to go. really go somewhere. leave the country for a while, go to a cabin and seclude myself for a week or so maybe. I'm stressed and tired and angry and hurt and exhausted, I was already stressed before this. I wasn't sleeping, my eating has been completely off, I feel plain uncomfortable. GAHHHHHH I don't need this now!! There is just so so so so much going on. I will see her tomorrow. I have a party to go to tomorrow night for my birthday. I don't want to feel like crap then still. I'm worried about seeing her and it making things worse. then I'd just hide in bed all night away from everyone. Why did she have to be this way Now. I am overwhelmed.

Seablue- I'm not necessarily better as you see. but I'm trying to work, function, stop randomly crying and having to pretend to my boss the allergies are really bad today


Thank you ALL: Sarah, MacLove, StrummerGirl, Seablue for your supportive words.

Listening to sad music. Maybe not best choice of things to do. This song matches what I feel. Beating by her actions and pretending my bruises are invisible or make-believe.

"Breakdown"

Open up the book you beat me with again.
Read it off one sentence at a time.
I'm tired of all the lines,
Convictions and your lies.
What right do you have to point at me?

Well, I'm sitting alone thinking about it all over coffee.
And still crowdin' my space are the things you still hold against me.
You cannot save me.

Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to break up this love,
Keep it together now.
It's not the time to break.

Read it all, no need for separating here.
You see what you want and try to justify.
All your little lines,
Convictions and your lies.
What right do you have to point at me?

Well, I'm sitting alone thinking about it all over coffee.
And still crowdin' my space are the things you still hold against me.
You cannot save me.

Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to break up this love,
Keep it together now.
It's not the time to break.

Open up the book you beat me with again.
Read it off one sentence at a time.

Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to break up this love,
Keep it together now.
Well, it's not the time to break,
Breakdown.

((Forlorn)) So sorry your session was so difficult.

Oh jill, I must've been posting my update as you were posting. I didn't intend to leave you out!

quote:

Originally posted by jill:
was t defensive about the comment that came up that you were mad about?? wow. that sucks that that took the whole time to discuss. i'm not quite sure, but seems you have been going to this t for awhile...seven months?? has this happened before??

I think it was both. I brought up the comment where I felt she called me immature. She denied ever saying that and then got defensive. Seemed like I was attacking her, I think, something to that extent.

and it didn't take the whole time to discuss since I shut down pretty rapidly after I saw she was frustrated with me. I then held the pillow and cried. and she just sat there. JUST SAT THERE. for 15 FRIGGIN MINUTES she just sat. maybe said one or 2 things. Said "lets talk about your feelings objectively. Can we do that?" I didn't want to be objective. I was hurt. I wanted to feel better, not view my feelings under a clinical microscope to dissect them. This type of "argument" has not happened like this before.

quote:

what old feeling did this remind you of?? what did she say that 'stung'?? what do you wish you could have said to stop the conversation from going the wrong way?? was there anything helpful in there?? what did you cry MOST about??

It reminded me of not being allowed to say that I was mad about something without the other person making me guilty and turning it around on me. I never got to express anger. And she said I could, but what she meant was, I can do it in limits as long as it doesn't upset her or make her feel bad. Which I am NOT always capable. This will come out as if I am attacking and having a tantrum because I never could be that free with my expressions. Even as a kid, I never once had a tantrum. Never got 'it' all out. and that's just building up I think. I don't know if there would've been any harm in letting me get my steam out. But I hate she brought her feelings into my expression of anger. I felt like that was MY time to express anger and disappointment in HER. Not to have her express defensiveness and then react toward me like I should not have said what i did.

I wasn't what she "said" it was her reaction overall that stung. She threw up her hands in an exasperated way as if to say 'I don't know what to do with you when you're like this'. Instead of just letting me go through it all. She kept giving rebuttals, defending that she didn't say it.

God, I wish I would've not brought it up. But now feel like I know her true colors or something like that. But I don't clearly remember how I said it that made her so defensive. I don't know how to restate it better since I don't think I was wrong. Stressed and temper-tantrumy, yes. but not wrong in expressing myself and didn't have a better way to do it at the time.

nothing helpful

I cried mostly thinking that I had pushed yet another person away from me. That I had made her frustrated with me and she wishes she didn't work with me. Do you know how it feels to think that someone has given up on you and on the relationship. That I've done or said something so Horrible, they no longer can stand to be around me. That anything I have done in the past or any of the special moments, laughter, goods times, weren't special at all because they can be easily so easily thrown away when that person is upset at me. I recently lost a friend and for what reason I don't know. She just decided to defriend me. And I'm tired of being the one to go back and kiss and make up and apologize to another. NO, WHAT ABOUT ME!!!

Am I never worthy for someone else to come to me. Is my company so poor, so unnecessary that I can be tossed aside whenever people want. ANd I am always left hurting beyond what they ever will. Why do I get so attached to these people who will never love me back with the same intensity. Then it's always one-sided and I deal with hurt. God I hurt the most because yet again, I just wanted someone to hug me. or even if she couldn't do that, then place a calm hand on my shoulder. Something soothing to say she still cared about me. That even if I upset her she still cared. I wouldn't have even minded if she said she was mad! but I guess like I'd want a parent to, still love me afterward. even when I've been bad, still love me. Don't just let me go. Don't just sit while I hurt with a pillow being my only comfort. DOn't just use words when I can't hear them and need to connect. and don't let me leave, go out into the world, driving around dangerously, impacting other people.

she wouldn't have even called me. made sure I was safe. made sure I didn't run anyone over. Why should I go back to her. she doesn't care if I was mangled dead somewhere. In her mind, I'm an adult and responsible for my actions. she did no wrong so anything resulting is my fault. I could be dead, she'd never care, just happy to have me away. Probably assume I left and didn't want to come back. no one would know the true story. and as I realize this I realize no one will care for me the way I want, ever. it's time to embrace a bitter world since it's the one I live in.

I have to learn to push people away more. To keep my distance and not invest my heart. I don't know how to do that yet. I want to be free from being used and then neglected always used by everyone. make them smile, make them laugh, be dependable. good ol forlorn. too easily broken. too confused. misunderstood.

And then T tells me I can get mad, express anger. I finally 'get to' have something never had before and it was too much for her. I went too far. and for me it wasn't far enough but now I've pushed her away too. I just wanted love but it's hard to love a 'thing' and that's all I am anymore. just an appliance in people's life. when I quit working the way they want, then they turn me off and put me aside instead of fixing me.

Thank you Dragonfly

Thank you Smiley

Your hugs are appreciative.

Sorry my posts are full of rants.

I can so relate to your posts forlorn...I'd like to send you many hugs..I agree with Draggers that they aren't just rants but beautifully written...I can really understand where you are coming from and can relate to much of what you say...feeling like an appliance..having people abandon you when you show anger, etc...I wish I could offer you some comfort...I'll be reading to see how it goes w/your next session if you want to share it...many hugs ((((( ))))).....mlc

Jill, I want to thank you for asking the thinking questions. I meant to show gratitude for them in my responding post but sort got lost in spewing about my pain.

Thank you sis!

Yes the tears mean something but now I'm just worried they mean I'm nuttier than a jar of Jif.

2 hours to go

My thoughts are swirling. Emotions are numb. I feel drained. Numb. Angry at myself. So mad at me right now. 

Feeling at fault. Not for the argument but for everything. 

She was just a woman. Just a woman with a job. A job to let people talk. That is all! Nothing more than that. She promised me nothing. Yet I put extra roles on her and extra expectations. I expected this woman, this stranger to me, to enter my life, and enter my heart and heal me. I was hurting terribly when I first met her. She seemed so gentle and made me feel like I was loved. 

But she never was meant to give those things. I assumed too much. There was never anything there between us. I was never special, I only wanted to be. How can this woman love me when I am ruined. Broken. And never satisfied. Stubborn. Tormented. Needy. Expectant. Longing. Crushed. Miserable. Torn. Bitter. Bitter bitter. Bitter bitter. 

What I'm MOST upset about is that I loved her. Soo sooo soooo much. I knew better from being hurt by last T not to love again. Now I've lost again. And my heart, my poor fragile heart can't stand this. 

Little one doesn't know why I'm not protecting her from these things. Great, she's mad at me too. 

Maybe I really wasn't meant for therapy. This is hard but this has nothing to do with the issues I came to therapy to work on. So if I'm so hung up in dealing with therapy heartbreaks, how will I ever get to working on my issues. 

I wished loving myself was enough and then I would not need the love of others. But I don't even know how to love myself. 

I'm so lost. 

Dear Forlorn,

I'm so sorry for the pain you're in, but I'm glad you're here giving your emotions the space they need.

My former T always said that therapy was a place to try out new behaviours, things you wouldn't be able to do in the "real world." If you were never allowed to be angry in your life, then therapy is the perfect place for you to be angry. To practice getting angry, talking about it, and resolving it. I think it was very courageous of you to bring it up with your T.

But your T needs to do her part. She needs to listen in a non-judgmental way about what you're feeling and what about her behaviour triggered that. If she's not doing that, it is not your fault. It's hers. She may be doing some therapist thing that I don't understand, but getting defensive when you're telling her how you feel about something she said or did sure doesn't sound helpful to me.

You're working so hard, Forlorn. Please don't give up hope.

--agent

Forlorn you sound so unhappy (and I perfectly understand why - a lot of what you’re expressing is exactly how I feel when something goes tits up with a T, actually especially with a T.) You talked about 2 hours to go, was that until your next session?

No matter what, this is something you need to talk to her about - maybe, just maybe, she didn’t mean her response in the way you experienced it (yeah I know that’s a classic T type thing to say, but I’m hoping that next session you will be able to resolve it to the point where you can trust her again.)

(((( Forlorn ))))

LL