T's shouldn't be allowed to make new rules. It isn't fair. I have no say. One day, it just is.

Text today from T: "New rule. i am not answering texts on weekends. you can text me but i wont be answering. its too hard and leaves you feeling unloved."

It might sound like a trivial thing. But to me, it signifies so much more. I am very shaken.

What I hear the loudest is, "its too hard." I am too hard. I am too much.

Next, the part about it "leaves you feeling unloved." Over and over, I tell her that what leaves me feeling unloved is when she doesn't respond . When I feel ignored and start to read meaning into that. Now she has just reinforced that unloveable feeling even more.

She is abandoning me on weekends. If I have a crisis, she will not respond. It's not like it has been this way from day one. This is a change. I can't believe she is doing this to me. It can't be real.

After I told her this (and more) in text, then she replies in part with: "You are taking this in places i never intended it to go. why dont you care about me enough to understand. if not i guess you will all go. i am sorry about that."

Then she wrote this, which was like a knife in my heart: "You cannot expect that since we cant see each other but once a week that we will text more. i cant do more."

Again, the message is that I am too much. Too needy. It feels like what she is saying is that since I am no longer paying to come 2x per week, that I am less worthy of support. That she doesn't feel sufficiently compensated anymore for the text support. So i am BAD for texting her. Or else she is in it only for the money after all.

Then she tells me to "have a good day." Yeah, right! I feel like dying inside. I feel like my reason for existing has disappeared (e.g., thinking that I could be loved by her in a way that my parents did not, and thus feeling worthy to be alive).

I told her I've actually been paying another T to help me make the changes she has demanded of me, because I was willing to do anything to please her. I said I had told the other T that my goal was to repair and save our relationship. And now it feels like theres no point to it. I feel like the only relationship she wants with me is one where I am perfect and never needy.

OMG, I know I must be coming across as so melodramatic about this, but it really seems like the end of my world.

((((MH)))) I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I think she should have perhaps discussed this with you in person rather than sending you a text. I really don't think it is a trivial thing...I know how important texing can be. I can see why you would read into this that you are too much but I am sure that is not the case. The meaning of text can sometimes be lost and this is such a sensitive area which is why I feel it was wrong of your T to start this conversation over text knowing the effect it would have on you.

Sending you hugs.
Butterfly

MH, I'm so sorry. I've just got up in the middle of the night and seen this. I am so terribly sorry you are going through this. This IS a form of abandonment the way she's handling it, and I'm not surprised you feel so awful. We are here for you - you're not alone in this. She is giving you all kinds of terribly, terribly mixed messages, acting like if only you were good enough she'd love you. It's so horribly unprofessional of her, and harmful, and *NOT IN ANY WAY YOUR FAULT*.

MH, I'm shocked to read this:

quote:

why dont you care about me enough to understand.

There are NO circumstances in which it is okay for a therapist to say this to a client. She has her own BIG issues and she has been bringing them to bear on your therapy. In other words she needs her own therapy and has been unintentionally hurting you because of it. It's not okay, and it's not your fault.

All you have done is love your T and try to work things out with her as best you can because you are attached to her.

We are here for you, and will support you as you go through whatever you choose to do next. You are not alone. Please, please take these messages and show them to your back-up T. You need support.

Love,
Jones

MH,
I'm sorry, I know you must be in unspeakable pain. I am quite angry but will try to restrain my tone.

You need to leave and as soon as possible. There are times when a T may find it necessary to move a boundary but when that happens, it is squarely the Ts responsibility. Either they committed to placing a boundary in a place THEY could not handle long term OR they have placed a boundary in the wrong place for the client. Either way, they screwed up. So while I recognize your Ts right to change the boundary, I find it despicable and contempible that instead of taking responsibility for HER mistake, she is blaming you. The client. For a boundary problem. Give me a f---ing break.

As if what she was doing wasn't already egregious enough, she adds this in

quote:

why dont you care about me enough to understand.

I have two short anglo-saxon words in reply to this. It's her job to care and it's her job to understand. How dare she, HOW DARE SHE place that burden on a client! If she wants someone to care she needs to go talk to her husband or her own therapist. As clients we have to respect that the therapist sets the limits on the relationship. We have to limit the time and place we see them to a time and place of their choosing. We have to pay, rightfully so, for their time. But probably the most important thing we should get for all that is that the theraputic relationship is about OUR needs, NOT theirs. Part of their professional responsiblity is getting their needs met elsewhere. If she is struggling with anything you're doing or hurt by your actions, that should be expressed to her therapist or supervisor. MH, please, I beg of you, hear the fact that you are caught in a re-enactment. The very person who is supposed to take care of you is failing to set healthy boundaries, and expecting you to take care of them. I'm not sure about your past, but that's the perfect description of my parents.

I'm sorry, I know you're in so much pain and this might add to it But you really need to hear that this is about your T not about you, which is the problem.

((((((((MH))))))))))

AG

MH,

I'm so sorry to hear this and I'm just in shock over what your T has done yet again.

I couldn't have said it any better than Jones and AG did (and everyone else).

We are here for you.

((((MH)))))

It sounds like the T you've been seeing to help you deal with this T is going to become more helpful sooner rather than later. Red flags are flying with current T, at least in my mind. Doesn't make it easy at all, though

Boundaries are a big deal for me, as is having a T who models appropriate behaviors for me. I think she was completely wrong in putting her issues out there and making them become a problem for you. So Wrong. So, so wrong.

You deserve a T who puts your needs first, as is their job, and I hope you get that soon.

((((MH))))

MH, this is just so wrong. Reading what she said to you...I can feel that knife. You are NOT being melodramatic. She is wrong, wrong, WRONG. I know you love her. But she is wrong. She is hurting you, failing you, wronging you. And I hate that you are suffering from her mistakes.

quote:

Originally posted by STRM:
I couldn't have said it any better than Jones and AG did (and everyone else).

Ditto. Oh, MH...leave. Run. Save yourself. This woman is NOT good for you. You deserve SO much more, so much better. Please understand, I will NOT judge you if you stay. This is not about judgment. I see you doing so much really brave work to open up, and I see you getting hurt, rather than healed. You deserve healing, but you are getting injured. And my reaction to that is protective. Always protective. Please take it in that spirit, okay?

Many many hugs to you,
SG

Oh I don't know what to say to you all. I was expecting you to agree that I was over-reacting, because I feel very young and childish right now. I just went back again and reviewed our text conversation and find it almost amusing (I must be going hysterical?) because I count 7 texts she has sent me today, 6 after she said she wouldn't be sending any more. She is probably trying to ease me into it, and starting next weekend she won't budge.

The last few messages I begged her to please, please love me, that I've been trying to be good but I can't feel secure all weekend long. and should I pay her for each text she replies to. Also I said I would have even more shame for begging if she didn't reply. She called me a sweetheart and said she hadn't left me, that she was sorry she couldn't be around me or text me as much as I would like, but there was just not enough of her to go around. So I said, "Okay. I'm scared, but I will go away." And she said she didn't want me to go away. I don't understand. She wants me to have a monologue with myself?

Several of you have suggested I turn more to Consult T now. The problem is, before you even posted I sorta may have burned that bridge. In tears I already sent an email to Consult T that there was no point in me working on projection anymore, that I had lost faith in my T and all T's, that I felt complete despair and had no desire to do any of the therapy "homework". And since he made a point from day one to stress he would only help me as long as I was making progress, that seems at odds with my current state, so we might as well cancel my next appointment. I asked him to mail me a receipt for my payment of our last visit. And I sent a parting shot about how he apparently didn't like to be bothered on weekends either, since he hadn't yet replied to my email yesterday regarding his Twitter invitation. This was over 6 hours ago and he hasn't responded to this email either.

Whatever. I don't really think he was the answer anyway. His approach seems too left-brained to affect me at a deep enough level.

IDK. Maybe he would be right for me if only I were ready for fast-paced change. But I am wondering if I am only attracted to T's who will do a "re-enactment of parental abandonment" dance with me. Just like how people can be chronically attracted to mates who are abusive and all wrong for them, maybe that's how I am with T's. So who's to say I won't go through this all over again with the next T that I like?

quote:

MH, I'm shocked to read this:

quote:
why dont you care about me enough to understand.



There are NO circumstances in which it is okay for a therapist to say this to a client.

quote:

As if what she was doing wasn't already egregious enough, she adds this in

quote:
why dont you care about me enough to understand.



I have two short anglo-saxon words in reply to this. It's her job to care and it's her job to understand. How dare she, HOW DARE SHE place that burden on a client! If she wants someone to care she needs to go talk to her husband or her own therapist.

I won't say that this thought didn't also occur to me. Since reading of so many others accounts on this board I have learned that this is supposed to be a red flag. But another part of me is arguing, "But isn't this what makes a relationship real? Isn't that what I want, for her to open up to me about her needs, at least a little? So that I can please her? Won't this make our relationship less artificial if she can communicate to me this way?"

(((((MH)))))


This would crush me and I feel a tremendous amount of pain for you.

I absolutely see why you interpret it the way that you do.

And for her to text this new rule to you???????? I think that is something that should have come up in therapy, if it had to come up at all.

You do not seem as though you are being melodramatic about this. This is a HUGE blow that I know would send me into a downward spiral that I'm not sure I can manage.

How are you doing right now? Is there anything that we can do for you? Email? Skype? Text. You can text me any time if you want (just PM me and I will give you my number). I feel so awful for how your T has handled this. Just terrible. Negligent. Abandonment. UGh. not what a T should be.

(((MH)))

I can only agree with everyone else comments. You are not the one at fault in this mess. Your T has the right to set a boundary but she should have handled it appropriately in a face to face session and allowed you express all your feelings about the change in the relationship. She certainly shouldn't have blamed you for feeling like there was not enough of her (not your problem) or asked for you to care enough to understand her (ugh!!!).

I'm so sorry. It is not melodramatic to feel abandoned and hurt.

quote:

I'm shocked that your T decided to communicate this with you through a text instead of calling or addressing it in session first.

quote:

In addition, I think it was also unprofessional of her to text you about how you shouldn't text her - WTH?

quote:

And for her to text this new rule to you???????? I think that is something that should have come up in therapy, if it had to come up at all.

Well, I probably didn't give enough background info about this. I sent my T 3 or 4 texts yesterday (which was Saturday for me) where I clearly indicated that I wanted a response. And I didn't get one. Ironically, this was my initial text to her yesterday which started it all:

"Is it bad to txt u nearly every day like i do? i always have underlying feeling of badness 4 it. i cant help wanting to [txt] anyway. i cant help being bad, is how i feel. but if i am nuisance then I should stop. i could go away." [there was a bit more that I don't want to include here.]

So I think her first text today was to explain why she didn't answer me yesterday, because of this "new rule." I guess I got my answer; it just wasn't the reassurance I was hoping for.

MH,

Even IF T feels that it is too much for her to handle the texting on weekends, a better response to your question would have been, "This is a good question and one that I think we should explore when we meet next".

quote:

I won't say that this thought didn't also occur to me. Since reading of so many others accounts on this board I have learned that this is supposed to be a red flag. But another part of me is arguing, "But isn't this what makes a relationship real? Isn't that what I want, for her to open up to me about her needs, at least a little? So that I can please her? Won't this make our relationship less artificial if she can communicate to me this way?"

MH, (big hug), no, absolutely not. Because what she's doing in that one sentence is not opening up about her needs, but refusing her own responsibility for her needs and making you responsible for them. "Why won't you take care of me?" she is saying here, loud and clear. To you, who is paying her for help. Who has come to her with your most vulnerable troubles and trusted in her expertise. And she has seen your need, taken your money, convinced you she can help you, and is now asking YOU to look after HER feelings. While she withdraws her own support. Quite honestly, you'd be better off if she'd stolen your money in the street.

This comment, MH, is the equivalent of a parent saying to a young child - "Why don't you care about me enough to get a job and support me?"

You have to understand the context of this, MH. For the therapist to help the client to heal in the therapeutic relationship, the therapist *CAN NOT* use the client to meet their own emotional needs. As soon as they do, it's no longer therapy, and it won't heal. What's more, EVERY therapist who has gone through ANY kind of reputable training has had this DRUMMED into them. It is the very first rule. There is no excuse for what is happening here.

To bring this back to your situation here - let's think this through a little more to answer your doubt about it. She's told you she has this need for you to care about her and to understand. And you want to please her, so you want to try. OK, what now? What is it that she's asking you to understand? That's she's suddenly changed the rules? That she gave you one kind of support and now she's withdrawing it? That she wants to tell you one thing about texting and then do something totally different? How on earth are you going to find it in you to understand that? And guess what - the way she's set it up, if you don't understand, well, that must mean you don't care about her. So what's she going to do, withdraw more?

She's all wrong, MH. Please contact consult-T again and try to unburn the bridge, or even better, set up another appointment with someone else. Being able to relate to and bond with a therapist is NOT a product of your unhealthiness. You can connect with someone healthy, I am quite sure of it. The reason this went wrong was 100% because of HER problems, not because of yours.

Love,
Jones

LG, yeah, how could she not know it would be more hurtful to tell me the way she did? Make me suffer for 36 hours in silence and then confirming my worst fears anyway? I wonder if she did it because it was easier than telling me in person. She was probably afraid of my reaction.

BTW, thank you for your personal offer of support. It means a lot to have somewhere to turn.