In a very long session today (planned long and we decided to let it keep going, as we were in the middle of good work), we were able to work through one really bad memory that has been coming up. I think I can accept it enough to call it a memory now and not potential.

T was wonderful, consistent, caring, patient, comforting. He held my hand in both of his and that enabled a little one to say two really important things and for me to describe vaguely some of the details, most of what I had been waiting to share. He sat right next to me (shoulder to shoulder), gave me a blanket when I was shivering, turned down the lights, used the wolf I have been bringing to put gentle pressure on my shoulder and reassure me he was there, held my hand through sharing and through our prayer at the end. And, offered two goodbye hugs on my way out. It took me so much internal negotiation to accept so much care from him. I think more of the session was spent on being OK with being comforted in the way that was needed than anything else...but, eventually I did, and it was OK, safe, good-feeling, connecting. The hugs were still awkward, because I can't for the life of me figure out how to accept a hug without feeling like I am contaminating the other person, but I suppose it will get better in time.

Anyway, it may sound funny, but today is the bravest I remember ever having to be and I am proud, so I wanted to share that I did it. I said hard stuff. I accepted care. I felt safe and close at the same time (possibly for the first time ever with an authority figure), even if only briefly. I unashamedly love my T for being such a compassionate person and teaching me what God's love for me is like.

Hi Yaku

Your T has been amazing and I'm really glad for you. I'm glad you could work through this memory feeling such safety and care. You have worked hard for this. You are really growing.

Hug
TN

(((DF))) (((TN)))

Thanks for the cheers and support! I am feeling really good this morning. I got the best sleep I've had in several weeks. Still having nightmares, but didn't wake up in a panic and just woke up feeling ready to get out of bed, rather than having to drag myself out. I like this whole feeling safe thing. I should do it more often.

quote:

I like this whole feeling safe thing. I should do it more often.

Yaku, it gives me good feelings to hear how your T is supporting you and remaining steady, enough so that you can begin to feel safe and trusting. I know what you mean about it being elusive, brief, hard to hold onto, but where you are is still very much enough to celebrate! You are doing amazing work.

Yaku that sounds wonderful! And I think you have every right to feel proud of yourself and I'm really glad that you CAN. At least five gold stars for you (or the little ones, whoever collects gold stars

But boy am I ENVIOUS of your T. Do you think you could share him around a bit? I love hearing about your sessions, you manage to convey things so well and it all sounds like you and T are working in a truly organized and clear way together.

I'm just sorry that the reason for it all is so horrible. But I think you're doing amazingly well dealing with your ghastly memories. Sending you lots of good wishes for your continued healing.

LL

(((MH))) Yes, very elusive. Today, sudden panicking from one area about remembering sitting with someone else and holding their hand and it ending up in a relationship that turned out quite violating. Then, after sharing that with T and getting reassurance, back to the internal complaints: "He hates me. I'm in trouble. I took to much and now he regrets offering it. He's going to send me away." Sometimes, I just want to go inside there and say, "SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, already!!!" I am being open about what's coming up for me, though, so even if I'm not feeling as safe as I was, the trust is still there enough that I can share those things and let him counter them.

LL - Thanks for the gold stars, but may we have blue stars instead? I like blue!!! And green too! And orange! Apparently, picky about my stars, I guess...

Awww, you don't need to be envious about my T. If you lived out here, I would gladly share him. It's funny to hear you say we are working in an organized and clear way, because that is not at all my T. He actually admits that organization/structure is one of his weak points, whereas he is strong in relational and intuitive aspects (very true!). However, it's a strength on my end, so I think I am actually the one who supplies the structure. He often goes off of my journals and texts to determine where we should head next and I provide a lot of feedback on what is working, what is not, what the boundaries feel like, where they need to be shored up, what is needed structurally to make my therapy "space" safe. I'm a very demanding client, but he just calls it me being helpful.

It's funny. My immediate reaction was to go, "What's so horrible?" Oh yeah, that stuff. One good thing is right now, since I'm not in the middle of experiencing it, I can pretty much shrug my shoulders about it and whatever it away. Though, I've learned that dissociation doesn't actually make those things go away, unfortunately.

I am actually feeling really good about the work we did, even if I'm struggling a bit with worrying that I've become too much by allowing as much as I have. I'm no longer panicking that I can't believe this really happened. I still kind of question it, but it come out the other end feeling like it can be and probably is true. It doesn't quite feel like "mine" yet, but it's getting there. I think the big thing is that the terror of it seems to have mostly passed. I am not feeling in the middle, reliving this one particular memory, like I have been these last weeks. It feels like something that really did happen, but was a long time ago. I think that's how it's supposed to feel. So, the terror has been replaced with a lot of grief. And I think that's what has to come next, to grieve over it. This will be a challenge for me. I can barely cry and it is something I need to be able to cry about, I think. I need some sort of crying coach!

Well, I got off-topic there, but thank you both (and anyone who read) for the support!

((Yaku)) Sounds like you hit a milestone there. I'm so happy that you managed to break down a boundary!

Good luck for the up and coming sessions with your T. He sounds so supportive.