This will probably sound totally crazy.
I can hardly belive how this happened and now it even sounds ridiculous to me. How could i be so stupid?

I started with a therapist at the end of 2003. She was awesome, she knew how to help me and taught me so much. I idealized her a lot and wanted to be just like her.

She was like a mother to me and I think i loved her.
I was supposed to have 4 years of therapy in this program, but i got a job out of town and left early after year 3. In my recovery I hit hte ground running and tried to make up for the years I'd lost due to trauma. It was a stressful job and I hadn't worked in my whole adult life cause i went off on disability quite young. So I floundered in my new job but this T still helped me over the phone and she came to visit a few times. She had already invited me to her house and out with her group of gay friends.
I was not sure I was gay but was checking that out. I grew up in a religious family who were very much against anyone gay, so it was stressful to have this new group of people in my life and have to keep it a secret from my family. I thought God was going to seriously punish me for this. I came to the conclusion i am not gay, but found some good friends amongst this group of people.

Proper boundaries between us are totally ruined. I was to keep this a secret due to her job and repercussions. Nothing sexual ever happened but I thought maybe the whole social thing outside of the office was wrong. But it was so cool to be special and her friend.

Over the past few years I have visited there many times, had her and her partner and other friends to my place for dinner and slept over and spent Christmas at her house the last 2 years. I have seen her intermittently for therapy but found it becoming more and more crazymaking. I have still been depending on her too much for help. I have not gotten a good grip on living my own life as an adult. I am still full of fear and my emotions go offline so quickly. She has made many promises to me that she can't keep.

Over the last couple of weeks I was stressed over the top with my job. Sometimes this T is there for me and she promised she always will be...and sometimes she kind of looks past me or does not answer the phone when I am sure she is home. I called her and emailed too many times and she sent me an email telling me to not call or email for at least a month because I have been asking too much of her.....she has done this to other people as well. It is "putting up a boundary". I think its a little late....after she has messed with my head giving me mixed messages for so long. I am behind now in my healing because I kept going to her...wishing asking trying to get her to meet my needs. The weirdest thing was that sometimes she would! and that kept me coming back trying..like intermittent positive reinforcement will do. That is how they hook gamblers, they let them win once in a while and it has a terrible effect on the person, leaving them always hoping. I can verify that it is crazymaking and I have been getting angrier and angrier at her over the past few months. She does not seem to understand that this situation is mixing me up and making me angry. I tried to stop contact about a month ago but she coaxed me back and now she has told me to stay away! No wonder I keep feeling suicidal...when I stop and look at this no wonder I feel out of whack, there are so many layers to this, so much to be stressed about.

But now I also feel like a bad person. I am trying to get it all straight in my head. I don't think it is all my fault. Maybe none of it is my fault, after all she is the one with the authority here.

Whatever the truth is, I am now alone. I'm very angry, guilty and i feel like a failure.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Itshardtosay,

Hi IHTS,

This is another story which is making me more angry than I am able to thoroughly describe right now! But I do want to say how deeply sorry I am to hear you have been through this.

quote:

Maybe none of it is my fault, after all she is the one with the authority here.

Can I just reinforce this a hundred times over? I am big on people taking personal responsibility for stuff, but this is absolutely an instance when her PROFESSIONAL RESPONSIBILITY was to look after the boundaries this situation, which you were personally unable to look after yourself. This makes me wild.

I am really glad you got so much healing from her - the other day I read an earlier post of yours which describes this, and I know she did a LOT that was great for you. What you describe above was NOT great at all. She's lost her ability to be professional about the relationship and it's really damaging. I am particularly horrified that she asked you to keep secrets for her. And now all the support you get from your social circle is hooked up in this mess as well. It's appalling.

I hope you can find good, strong support from other sources (do you have a new therapist?) so that you can a) keep healing and b) find ways to stay away from her.

Please take care, and please remember that you are NOT to blame here - you are totally entitled to your anger, your healing and support.

J

Wow. Yes, everything Jones said.

How completely wrong and unprofessional of your T. She took advantage of your vulnerability, and is trying to backpedal by throwing a boundary at you. She was putting her own needs before yours when SHE was unable to keep the boundaries. That is HER JOB -NOT YOURS! The truth is that we would all feel special to be invited into our T's lives the way you were - you were in a vulnerable position.
I do hope you can find other places to get the support you need and deserve.

IHTS,
I wish to add my voice to those telling you that this situation is in NO way your responsibility. In a theraputic relationship the responsibility for the boundaries falls squarely and completely on the T. She should never have allowed a personal relationship with you to form, and even worse, once she did, she should have helped you find another therapist. Once she welcomed you into her home and her circle of friends, therapy ended.

So now you find yourself in a relationship that is supposed to be about your needs, with clear boundaries that keep you safe, the same as you should have been able to expect from your parents. But instead, you have changing boundaries, and inconsistencies and her needs mixed up with yours. And just like the child you were, you're taking all the blame on yourself to retain your "good" therapist. I am especially concerned about the secrecy. A very damaging part of most types of abuse is the admonition by the abuser to not speak of what is going on, which makes the victim feel special, but also like they're "choosing" to do something wrong.

I can not imagine how heartbreaking this would be, especially because of how much good she has done you in the past and its obviously a very close relationship because you've spent the last two Christmas with her, but the truth is that this relationship has become abusive. I'm sorry I don't remember your background all that well, but if there was any kind of abuse in your background, then on some level this is probably a re-enactment.

You mentioned that you've seen her do this to other people, are you talking about other patients? Don't get me wrong, I'm sure she's well intentioned and cares about you but there are really good reasons why those boundaries are supposed to be in place and her believing that she's above that is really scary. You may not be the only patient she's hurting. I honestly believe she should be reported to whatever professional organization she is a member of but I can only imagine how it would make you feel to do that.

I do believe however, that in order for you to heal, you need to find another therapist who can work with you to heal from this. And it's important for you to talk about what happened and how you're feeling about it. The harmful results of personal relationships between patients and therapists is well documented, and you will need help to heal. I think that it is important to end the relationship with this woman and I would urge her to seek out supervision and/or consultation. If you feel like you can't end the relationship (I'm not sure I would be strong enough to do so if I were in your shoes) do you think she would be willing to go to counseling with you?

The only reason I'm not screaming out in fury is that I know how very significant this relationship is to you, but you have been betrayed. You're angry, you're guilty and you feel like a failure when you only did what you were supposed to do. Go in willing to do the work to heal and you trusted someone whose main responsibility is to be trustworthy. This is the total opposite of what she was supposed to provide.

AG

Thank you Jones, Seablue, and AG.

Ahh..the whole thing is so confusing.

I hear you all that I am not to blame.
Part of me knows that is true. The other part, the part connected with her does not know it. That is the part saying I was wrong, I pulled her into it, I asked for her support and wanted it all.....I feel so mixed up. Don't you think I am partly responsible for this???? That part of me says I am mostly responsible for this and I infect people around me. It gets pretty negative toward me.

The good thing in my current life is that I started seeing a P here in town over a year ago. I told her after I'd seen her for about a month. That was hard to do...but the part of me who recognizes how screwed up this all is was strong enough to tell her. The relationship with the old T was stressing me so much...and my new P was great about it. She is pretty solid with her boundaries and I made a specific point of asking her to be careful with me regarding boundaries, that I need someone strong to help me now. I told her today just how angry I am and she nodded, and didn't say I was wrong at all. But often in my head I lose the anger and guilt overwhelms me. I feel guilty for breaking trust with my T, for talking and for posting here. She often talked about our "real connection"...and I know all of this would kill her...if she knew I was saying this stuff. But I feel taht silence will only keep me feeling sick and staying sick. The part I don't understand about my T's email to me was where she said that I had hurt her...didn't I know how awful it has been for her?....that I was no longer listening to her and it has just been so much for her.
I did end up in ER Mar 18th....I was so suicidal and didn't understand why. It seemed to come out of nowhere, and I blamed it all on my stressful job and school.

I am now off work and school is finished for the year, and....I realize that underneath it all has been the awful perculating mess of this relationship. I really need it to be resolved. I'm worrying about what I will say/do when the old T contacts me again in teh "month or so" she stated in her email. I can't reread the email because I deleted it from my computer and iphone. I didn't want its presence in my life haunting me...but the memory of that email is sure still with me. Before I deleted it, I printed it and let my P read it. THen I ripped it up and threw the paper pieces out.

I can't thank you enough for your kind words and support. I hear your anger for me and that lets me feel less alone and less wrong. This has been a long awful time.

( AG: Yes, I did have abuse in my past, it was sexual abuse. It was my grandfather when I was very little. He was chairman of the deacons board and no one would have believed he would do that to a child. I found out during my early therapy years that he also abused my mom and trapped my aunt in the car and forced her to kiss him when she was an adult! He was pretty sick. I didn't remember much of it for many years, and it has taken a lot of therapy to get to the place where I don't freak out when I talk about it. I have a legal proceeding coming up in May that I put in process against him even though he has already died....my old T said she would go to it with me for support and I still want that support but..... I guess i can do it on my own. The kid in me is crying a lot as I type this)

The other thing I did to try and give myself support with getting away from her is I told my brother about it( gee....I feel terrible, I still like her so much! If it wasn't for her I know I would be dead now....I have to give her credit for saving my life and giving me what I needed to begin getting better which was a lot of knowledge and support). I have some very different parts that make up me....one part is professional, one part is very young dependent, vulnerable and still doesn't know how the world works. Ahh...and I think there are more distinct parts to me that are hard to get out of once I am them. This is where teh disconnects are and dissociation comes in.

My brother has called me nearly everyday for almost 2 weeks now trying to keep our connection open and help me through this time. I got the email on Mar 19 so expect to hear from her again in about 2 weeks.

She also knows I come to this website...so posting here has taken some guts to do....

IHTS

Jones.......I just reread your reply above.

Thank you...

It is helping me let go of the guilt tonight.

AG.....betrayed...that describes it in just one word.

quote:

Don't you think I am partly responsible for this???? That part of me says I am mostly responsible for this and I infect people around me. It gets pretty negative toward me.

Hi IHTS,

No, categorically I do not think you are partly responsible. If you were an alcoholic and went to a treatment programme to get help, and they offered you alcohol, they would be 100% responsible for putting you in harm's way when you were actively seeking safety. You came to her needing help with relationship safety and she gave you the opposite.

By confusing the boundaries of the relationship your t has made it impossible for you to know what you can and can't have from that relationship. She's made it impossible for you to figure out what are your feelings and responsibilities and what are hers. Because (against all professional guidelines) she did not protect herself or you in this situation (and remember that that is what she is trained, authorised and paid to do) she's got triggered and burnt out and whatever, and is trying to hold you responsible for her feelings!! Make no mistake, what she's struggling with now are her OWN limitations, her own problems, and they were waiting for her with or without you.

More importantly, for you, these are enormously stressful and unsafe relationship conditions for anyone trying to recover from abuse. I am glad you are seeing how much it's been affecting you, because that knowledge will do a lot to help protect you. And because it would be awful for you to believe work & school are more problematic for you than they really are.

One more thing - it sounded like you did genuinely important and useful work towards recovery with this t. YOU did that work, albeit with her help, but because it was yours to do and you did it I believe that it won't ultimately be lost to you.

((((((Jones))))))))

IHTS, WHAT. SHE. SAID.

I am sorry about the recognition of betrayal, that must hurt on a very deep level. I am SO glad that you are speaking out and seeking support. Your strength and courage in this situation are mind-blowing.

Hi IHTS. I want you to know that a lot of your story resonates with me... I once entered into a mentor-mentee relationship with someone (not a t, but still, someone who was supposed to be there to help me)... and I did get a lot of help from her, but it also turned very unhealthy over time. I too was struggling with my sexuality and while she was married, our relationship did eventually turn sexual. It was very intense and I was pretty young... young and very vulnerable.

I've talked recently on here about how I'm just now starting to touch on the guilt/grief/issues surrounding this experience. I't so hard and this:

quote:

Part of me knows that is true. The other part, the part connected with her does not know it. That is the part saying I was wrong, I pulled her into it, I asked for her support and wanted it all.....I feel so mixed up. Don't you think I am partly responsible for this???? That part of me says I am mostly responsible for this and I infect people around me. It gets pretty negative toward me.

is something that I could have written myself. ((((IHTS)))) I wish I could help you here but I'm struggling with this too much right now. I feel like I was the one that pulled her into it... that I just needed too much... that her life was going just fine until I came into the picture...etc etc etc. It's hard though because I was so vulnerable... but I was so manipulative too.

quote:

I feel terrible, I still like her so much! If it wasn't for her I know I would be dead now....I have to give her credit for saving my life and giving me what I needed to begin getting better which was a lot of knowledge and support

Oh I so get this. I sooooooo get this. I would have killed myself if I hadn't met her.

And I wish that I had words to help you... reassuring words like the others do... but I don't because of where I am. I just want you to know that i feel your pain in a unique way.

-CT

i feel like my out loud words have pushed me off the safe edge of the world and i am hanging over an empty hole


it was standing back enough to let my observing adult part see the damage.........that's what got my voice pissed off enough to TALK OUT LOUD ,TO THROW MY RAGE OUT THERE .
I know i will either crash or find wings to land

CT......I'm sorry to hear you too.....
What is this that happens to those of us who are most vulnerable?...it is like trauma on top of trauma.

I think it all boils down to unmet childhood needs and not being prepared to protect ourselves or live a an adult way in our integrity in this world, we were/are wide open to being victimized ...AND OUR NEEDS ARE NOT TO BLAME, they are a basic part of being human and being alive. I guess that means we are not to blame either.
It seems pretty obvious that...every single one of us is emotionally injured and has these needs to some extent. gee....

I hope you are ok tonight. Thank you for speaking....i know i am not alone now in this and neither are you.

Wooops.....tried to quote you Jones but it didn't work. I'll try again here...

quote:

No, categorically I do not think you are partly responsible. If you were an alcoholic and went to a treatment programme to get help, and they offered you alcohol, they would be 100% responsible for putting you in harm's way when you were actively seeking safety. You came to her needing help with relationship safety and she gave you the opposite.

Thank you Jones for this. Each day now all through the day I am struggling with this feeling like I am responsible....
This boundary crossing gives so many confusing thoughts...Now I wonder how its going to go...and am anxiously waiting for it to be over and ...Not be over! This is awful, I still want her to come back and everything to be good again.
This is painful stuff however, I do think I am somewhat less guilty now, but very sad. Actually sad hardly describes it. Gutwrenchingly angonized is more like it when I slow down enough to allow myself to feel.

I ended the relationship Sunday evening. Took a note and the things I'd borrowed and left them outside her door. I think the note was respectful, short and to the point. I imagine she will be hurt, angry, sad....and who knows?...maybe relieved.

My P is ++ supportive right now.

I feel different about this each day.
Mostly I feel terrible. Jaded, sad, pessimistic also fit.

Words are not coming very easily ....for some reason they have almost disappeared