IHTS,
May I first tell you that you have my very deep respect and admiration. I am very convinced that you did the right thing, but I don't think I would have had the strength to do so in your position. That said, I can only being to imagine how painful this must be for you.

All of the feelings you described: terrible, jaded, pessimistic make so much sense. In a very fundamental way, she has betrayed your trust and in some ways its an affirmation of what we all fear. Don't get to close because you'll only get hurt. You have a right to all these feelings and I'm very glad you have a supportive P to provide a safe place to express them. And I hope that you'll continue to come here and talk about your feelings so we can support you through what I'm sure will be a complicated mourning process.

And although I know the pain must feel unbearable at times, I think there would have been even worse waiting down the road if you had not chosen to do this now. I hope you'll find some comfort in realizing your strength and your commitment to your healing.

AG

Thank You Dragonfly, BB, and AG for your replies.

I guess this has been an act of bravery. The feelings are many....some days I feel quite flat, today I have tears sitting waiting to spill again. I think I had to sort of distance myself from my memory of her and my connection with her to deliver the borrowed things and the note. I have been having trouble putting it all into words with my P....but she is gently insisting I talk about how I feel, otherwise she says it will take much longer to heal.

I have felt much anger lately. Yesterday I met a mutual friend in the grocery store who, without prompting, described the very disempowering dynamics she sees set into motion in all relationships initiated by my old T. My friend told me the old T has already taken another person under her wing to "rescue" even in the few days since she and I stopped relating. Wow....what a pattern!

Ahh.. I know I walked into that relationship thinking I had little to lose. And, I did gain A LOT. I was wondering on Thursday if the gain was worth it? On Friday, I felt somewhat better, actually a lot better after meeting my/our friend. It helped me understand more that I am not the craziest one, or maybe a better descriptor would be the "blindest one" in this picture....that short conversation was quite validating. And Thank you all for your support and encouragement.

I am sad,

and my body is tired.

IHTS

Oh yes, thinking of what you said, AG....that this is an example of what we all fear...

my P said in response to my statement of feeling jaded, that feeling jaded is part of the maturing and growing up into reality process. Getting stuck in pessimism and that jaded place, is not good, but moving through it into accepting that others cannot meet my unmet childhood needs then taking on that role myself...that is the goal and part of ultimately healing and maturing.

I also know now that if someone, ANYONE, promises to always be there for me unconditionally, and seems to be too good to be true.....she/he is not being honest.

Right now though, I would go through all this pain again because I can see the gains I've made - what I've learned about the world, others, and me......I'd go thru it all again rather than make no progress at all.
I spent a lot of my early adult years in hospitals (screwed up due to trauma), so this chance at real life in the adult world was and still is valued - even though hard on me and very painful.

One more thing - is that the energy I use to make hard choices and take needed risks...comes from my ANGER.
I remember realizing and saying years ago "This is not good enough!" I wanted more in life, I was angry at things that were happening in my family and to me, at my lack of knowledge, at my labels, at my lack of ability in handling things emotionally, so I decided to do whatever it would take to move in the opposite direction.

IHTS

IHTS,
I am in complete awe of how well you are handling this. I am so glad that you have been able to hang onto and appreciate the good that came out of the relationship despite how it ended.

And I LOVED what you said about anger! That is exactly the purpose of anger. It provides us with the awareness that something is wrong and the energy to go fix it. Your drive for life is a very admirable thing as it the fact that you turn your anger in such positive, creative directions.

(((((IHTS)))))

AG

Hi AG.....

Maybe I sound brave or whatever... I have good support and my responsibility is to use it. I want to stay honest, consider wisdom from others and not just do things my way ...but I still need to make my own choices.

It was cool...on Friday my P said...."there is definitely someone up there looking out for you".
I am very fortunate, even though rotten things seem to happen. It seems that every time I've turned around, at least over the past 5 or 6 years, awesome things have happened. I am amazed at what happens when you trust your "process".

Today, I got an email from a senior prof at my university. I applied for a p/t position about 10 days ago...as a nurse research assistant in a really interesting study. 3 positions were available. I was hoping to be hired but many applicants qualified. The email today offered me a position and I accepted it!
I guess the good balances out the bad things and this makes up life.

IHTS ...........ha!.......the weirdest part is that although awesome things happen, equally as bad things happen. I'd like to ask the universe to tone it down a little......maybe have a little less of the awesome and balance that with less of the bad stuff. But maybe intensity in what happens in life to people who live a little on the edge?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Itshardtosay,

quote:

One more thing - is that the energy I use to make hard choices and take needed risks...comes from my ANGER.
I remember realizing and saying years ago "This is not good enough!" I wanted more in life, I was angry at things that were happening in my family and to me, at my lack of knowledge, at my labels, at my lack of ability in handling things emotionally, so I decided to do whatever it would take to move in the opposite direction.

This is amazing, IHTS - it articulates something on the edge of my understanding, and really important for me. When I wonder what the point is in my anger, what on earth to do with it, THIS is the answer I struggle to find. Thank you.

Congratulations on the new position - that's wonderful. And I want to offer my strong sympathy, too, for everything you're still going through in relation to your former T. It just sounded like a nightmare - I'm glad you're out of it but I know the pain and anger is going to take time to process.

J

So what you guys are saying is that a good use of anger is to help you toward changing the things you can in life? Huh... that is good for me to know.

Right now it is some unidentified negative feeling just floating around inside of me without a purpose or a home. And ready to lash out at whomever triggers me.
IHTS- hang in there, and use the people here that you can relate to. "Take what you need and leave the rest" and be gentle on yourself. Night.

Hi Jones and Helle,

Thanks for your comments. Whew...yes, anger is seen as awful and is confounding ....until you recognize its good purpose and tap into it. It gives me phenomenal drive and energy and I know it can fuel awesome creative change.

Why shouldn't we be totally pissed off?


Why shouldn't we use that inner energy to help ourselves and others as we learn?


Most of my anger comes from unmet childhood needs....and I believe there is nothing more powerful than these needs...so the anger is pretty big.