Last week I had some very intense transference feelings re-ignite for my T and wondered WTHeck?I realized that some strong emotions from my past were about to surface as this is often a prelude to that. So following is a journal entry I made of my expereince of which I welcome any feedaback.

It seemed out of the blue that I was experiencing some recurring, nagging, negative feelings/beleifs about myself in my other realtionships:

11/09/08 I wonder where my feelings of being excluded come from. Sometimes when my friends do things w/o me I feel excluded despite the fact that I know these friends would never exclude me. I don’t believe that I should be invited to every happening or event in my friends lives, but there are times that when I am not, I feel deeply hurt by that. For instance the camping trip this summer and the trip to Detroit Institute of Arts last January when my husband was out of town and I certainly could have used an outing like that. I feel like I am undesirable. That if I was desirable then I’d be thought of and asked to go along. I mean if I am as good of a person and friends as I want to be, then who could resist wanting to be with me, right? (Trust me this is not as arrogant as that sounds)I have these negative beleifs despite the fact that I am invited to do many things with my friends. And they do enjoy my company.

So where do these feelings originate? I gave that some consideration this morning and allowed my mind to try to explore it. I know those feelings were very strong as a child. I never fit in, I always felt excluded. Is it part of the youngest child syndrome added with so many years between my siblings and me? I never fit in with their lives; I was much too young to fit in. The only chance I had to fit in was with my cousins who were 2-3 years older than me and even that felt complicated at times. My sister-in-law used to get me and her little brother together to play once in a while and while he was nice and I thought we got a long well, I guess he’d complain to her that I was too bossy. So maybe I was not a joy to be around because I always had to have my way.-I don’t know. Going back to my cousins there seemed to be one way for me to fit in and that wasn’t a very healthy way to fit in at all. It creates a lot of turmoil for me to think that I must have believed that the only way for me to be loved and accepted was to do something (unacceptable) bad and to share in naughty secret games with my cousins. We were often cast aside by our older siblings who didn’t want us around so we had to find solace and a sense of belonging in ourselves. Outside of that I didn’t belong, I couldn’t relate to the “normalcy” that other children seemed to have to fit in with each other. Who could be normal when tied to an anchor of fear and uncertainty the way that I was? To be sequestered deep inside myself so no one could ever understand the depth and darkness of my world. I don’t blame myself now, but that doesn’t alleviate the pain that I am feeling today. Maybe I need to grieve this. Maybe I need to be the adult to finally have that far reaching kindness and compassion I desire for my little girl self and to reach deep inside of myself and let her cry. No one else was able to save me, but I can. I am trying to provide that. I want to listen. It hurts so very much and it even sparks my wondering how anyone else could ever understand how much this really hurts and how much this interferes with my finding purpose and meaning in my life. It is right in front of me but it still feels so unattainable, so vague sometimes and so out of reach as if it is only make believe, a fantasy; A mirage that disappears every time I seem close to being able to grasp it.

My right arm is becoming weak again. I feel exhausted and just want to go back to bed. I wish this could work itself out while I sleep so that I could wake up and not feel this way anymore. What is the significance of my wanting to kneel at someone’s lap and cry? I visualize that all the time with my T and I have done so with my husband a couple times, including just a few minutes ago where I wept bitterly for several minutes like a little child. I don’t like being a child in my husband’s arms, it seems so contradicting to what my relationship is supposed to be with him. I am a woman, his wife, not his child. He does such a good job comforting me and that is good, but becoming a child in his presence seems inappropriate.

JM,
I don't have a lot of time right now but I really wish you had been in my session this morning! This is exactly what my T and I were talking about (planning on posting more later ) I think what you're running into is that you were lied to, over and over and over again, about your worth. You were not provided with the validation you needed so that you experienced a sense of yourself as essentially worthwhile. So when small things happen or go wrong, such as not being invited to a particular event, instead of being able to return fairly quickly to a base of I'm fine, just didn't work out this time, you return to primal message of "something's wrong with me, and this confirms it." The message of not being likeable, of not being acceptable is so strong and embedded on such a deep level, that when you check incoming information against it, it either gets discarded (if its something good about you because it conflicts with what you know to be "true") or (if its something negative) it then confirms the belief that something is wrong.

And we can't know that we're ok on our own, it only happens in relationship. And in our case, in a relationship that we actually feel safe enough to discuss feeling this way and have reflected back that its not true. I truly, deeply believe that these feelings grow out of your being lied to over and over again when you had no resources to discern the truth, which is that you are a worthwhile, valuable, attractive person who deserves love and friendship and care. You matter immensely.

But, speaking from experience and as very much a work in progress, it's insidious and difficult to dig out. The work you're doing with your T and being willing to talk about it here is what will heal it. I'm sorry for your pain, I know how this can eat you up inside. But I say as strongly as I can, those feelings are NOT the truth about you. You are a witty, intelligent, compassionate person with a great deal of courage and insight. I know that a lot of that will bounce off the beliefs inside but I can help put a crack in the wall of those beliefs.

And as for feeling like a child with your husband. Yes, it would be inappropriate if that's what you were like all the time. You're not. And its ok to let people who love us take care of us sometimes. Just because you have no expectation of that, doesn't mean it shouldn't happen.

AG

quote:

So when small things happen or go wrong, such as not being invited to a particular event, instead of being able to return fairly quickly to a base of I'm fine, just didn't work out this time, you return to primal message of "something's wrong with me, and this confirms it."

I am beginning to think that our T's are related or at least share the same mind.

Thanks AG. As always, you are very reassuring to me. I wondered if my words would convey the depth of my pain to anyone else or if it was too cryptic in detail that it would lack such an empathetic return.

I might post more later myself and I certainly look forward to hearing more from you and how your session went this morning.

BTW: I can't help but to say it: Only 2 more days until my T-day. Wish I could say that it seems like nothing in comparison to waiting 3 weeks. With so much going on sometimes weekly appointments just aren't enough.

i feel like jm said . not likable, lovable, desirable, etc., etc., etc....and my t still hasn't called me back, and he's not going to. i am so disgusted with everything right now. and my next session is 8 weeks away!!! if i even go then. why bother? i can get this kind of treatment from anyone---for free!!! heck, i even get these feelings from myself--that's why i'm in therapy to srart with!!!

AJB,
Have you called your T back at all? Seriously there may have been a lack of communication somewhere, even between his receptionist and him that has nothing to do with you. And it certainly has nothing to do with your worth! Please don't accept those old beliefs that you are unlikable, unlovable, undesirable or anything like that. We are working to get rid of those beleifs because they don't work. Whatever reason your T has for not calling you can be worked through. I implore you to call him back and tell him how upset you are.

JM

AJB,
What JM said.

Put down the hammer you're hitting yourself with. Step away from the hammer. I want you to think that one of us wrote exactly what you wrote. What would you be saying to us? Now extend the same grace and understanding to yourself that you extend to other people. You deserve it just as much.

AG

JM,
May the two days fly swiftly!

AG

thanks ag &jm.
no way i can call back though. don't know him THAT well. i'll just simmer through the next few weeks until they call with my next appointment. i don't even know if his clients call him. i just assumed it was a "normal" clinic with "normal" clients who will, on occasion, need to call between sessions for some extra help or questions or whatever. maybe he doesn't accept in-between calls?. i'm furious! and confused. and sad. i'll get over it.

I have had the hardest time logging on tonight...but I'm glad I made it.

AJB...I'm sorry you are struggling and that your T has not called you back. I have had miscommunications with my T in the past and I have had to call again. I am confused as to why your sessions are so far apart. I would never survive an 8 week wait to see my T. I think I would forget what we were working on during that time. On another note... you seem to be very likable and reasonable. Do not beat yourself up over this as we all tend to do. Just keep posting and talking with us here. It does help to share the pain with others who can relate to how you are feeling.

To JM...I read your post today and then happened to be re-reading a book I particularly like called "Between Therapist and Client: The New Relationship" by Michael Kahn and came across something that you may be intereste in regarding what you wrote about fitting in. Dr. Kahn was actually referencing Heinz Kohut who was the "guru" of the self-psychology movement in therapy. This is what the book said:

The Need to Be Like Others

"The third need of developing self Kohut called the twinship or alter ego need. He thought that children need to know that they share important characteristics with one or both of their parents, that they are not too different from the world into which they have been born. If this need is met, the growing person develops a sense of belonging, of communal status. If this need is not adequately met, children are in danger of feeling that in some basic way they are not like other people, that they are somehow strange and don't fit in."

BTW, the first two needs are "mirroring" and "idealized parental imago". You could look up Kohut if you think you want to find out more. I think his ideas are pretty interesting. He believed if these needs are met by our parents we will develop a healthy self.

Hope this is helpful.

True North

true north:

thanks for the support. my sessions ARE too far apart, but because my T is only in town once a week, and due to my schedule i can only take 2 of the very few slots available each week, i don't get in very often. i can drive for about an hour to see him on another day, but i usually don't. he doesn't seem concerned about it, so i don't ask. i don't want to seem too "needy"--even tho i might be. posting here really does help. i'm gonna check out your suggested reading for jm as well. thanks alot.

i told you i don't know how to work this computer!!! LOL!

cool beans! LOL... love that computer lingo :P
this site is becoming popular it seems!
at school (we're taking art therapy) they say that a client should be seen weekly or a therapeutic alliance can't form! i don't get the once every 8 weeks thing... perhaps you need a new T?

robin

AJB,

I hope you don't mind but I have what may appear to be an overly simplistic suggestion: Is it possible for you to see a second T while seeing this T every 8 weeks or whenever he is available? Perhaps a second T could fill in the gaps for you and form that alliance that Robin was talking about. She really has a point there. You need to be able to have more access to your T more. If this T cannot fulfill that for you and is otherwise helpful to your needs, then why not a second T?

BTW: I don't mean to be blind to the financial burdens that may bring up.

True North,

Thanks for the book suggestion. I am always looking for a good read especially in regards to better understanding of my mental health. As I read what you quoted I immediately felt a deep void replaced by sadness. I know that the “twinning” or “mirroring” need was not met for me. (How many more ways will I find that my parents let me down?) The only chance it would have been was through my oldest brother-in-law whom I practically worshipped. Although he was someone I deeply admired and he was the only positive father figure I had, he did not live in my home where I tend to believe that a child needs that reflection to be more accessible. I used to follow him around and imitate his every move and believe everything he said. I don’t know if this was enough, but at least it was something.

My mother was too depressed and overwhelmed by raising 5 children and living with an alcoholic husband who promised he would never do this to his family.

Thanks again True North. This was very helpful and I will check it out for reading. Thank you for taking the time and care enough to reply.

JM