Walked in and tried to get acclimated to the new reception room. Some woman was sitting in my usual chair which is the furthest you can get from his office and still be in the reception room LOL. So I reluctantly took another chair. The room does look very nice and for some reason the walls looked a different color… like a warm sand beige. I don’t know if it’s has always been this color… I can’t remember. I don’t think so. It looks freshly painted. So anyway I had 2 simultaneous thoughts…. 1) OMG his office must be VASTLY different and 2) I wish he painted it this color because it’s so warm and soothing. What is so funny is that I just painted a lot of my own house this same color.

Okay, so he comes out and shakes my hand and tells me to go in he’ll be right back. Yikes. He left me alone to go in and I was so afraid to even stick my nose in the door!! So I thought about waiting for him in reception but then I thought it may be easier if he’s not there for me to get used to whatever it now looks like. So I slowly walk in and it’s very much the same except for the two large leather wingback chairs in place of my beloved floral fabric chairs. They looked so scary and imposing that I could barely look at them but I looked long enough to see that T had my special blanket draped over the back of my usual seat. This sort of tugged at my heart. But at that moment I kicked off my high heels and grabbed the blanket and sat down on the floor at the foot of the chair and leaning against the wall. I was sitting there, cross-legged trying to catch my breath with my head in my hands. I literally could not breathe for a few minutes.

My T walked in after a few minutes and said how you are? And then saw me on the floor and said …uh oh… and he, without a word, plopped down on the floor just across from me. I could not look at him so I have no idea of his expression when he saw me and no idea how he got to the floor. He asked me if I could look at him and I said no. I told him I needed to try to calm down first. He said okay. Then he asked me a bunch of questions like if I tried the chairs before the floor and I said no. He asked me what I was feeling at that moment and I told him I was scared … mostly that he is different. I finally looked at him and he was sitting there cross-legged just like me in his nice dress slacks and just calmly waiting for me to tell him how I was feeling and why I was scared. I thanked him for his email. I told him that I liked it and it was very empathic and kind. He told me in the email that he hoped I liked the changes in his office and that I would find comfort in his presence there. That the important thing is what is between him and me not the office decorations. He said he was glad that I liked his email and he needed to go back and read it to see what I consider “empathic” LOL. As those who have been reading my posts will know that I am always accusing him of being totally NON-empathic!

I told him what the old chairs represented. They were a safe oasis for me in there. He talked to me about how I had to use “things” to make me feel safe because the people who needed to do that for me did not and were not there for me. He talked about how oldT would change things and not explain why or give me warning and how it seemed punitive. I told him the chairs were a loss for me and he asked me about other losses I have suffered. I got scared because it felt like we were getting into areas I did not want to get into. I told him I had lots of losses including my childhood and the opportunity to go to college. He didn’t push me on that.

Instead, he talked to me about why he changed the chairs and that he tried to find replacements that were similar. He told me that some of his clients were complaining because they had allergies and the fabric chairs were holding onto dog and cat hair. I looked at him and said… people bring their cats in here??? He sat no just their cat HAIR… meaning on their clothing which then got stuck to his chairs. He said he tried to clean them but they were so old that the fabric was coming apart. Aside from this they were saggy and not comfortable any longer. He said he hoped that the new chairs would feel comfortable very soon and that we need to break them in. I said to him that there are a lot of the symbolic, psychological reasons for how I’m feeling but there remains the fact that I hate leather chairs… they are cold and formal and business-ey and feel hard and stiff. So he said we need to figure out a way to make me feel better about them. So I asked him how? He said well, we could use a blanket or throw on them… so I smiled and said you mean a slipcover? He said “oh no, not that. Bad childhood memories for me”.

At some point I talked to him about how this whole thing made me feel so powerless and how I had no choice. There was no place to sit in his office for me now that was not leather. Also how I had no power to hold onto what I needed because other people just took things away from me. Things that were important just disappear on me. He said “you mean people disappear on you, they leave you”. I nodded. Of course, we had to discuss what happened with oldT and how inconsistent he was and how he harmed me and how angry my T is with him for abandoning me and abusing me. He told me you are the kind of patient we want and you were in the middle of a SUCCESSFUL therapy with him. It was HIM not you. Once again leading to a discussion of avoiding people who will hurt me. Then I told him that I was sorry for being so uncooperative today. He told me not to say those kinds of things because he was not thinking at all that I was uncooperative but I put that thought in his mind. He said with him it was okay because he understands but “out there” with other people it may back fire on me. He said I need to learn that I don’t have to appease others in these situations.

I have to say that it was an amazing experience to sit on the floor with him. When I told him I was afraid he would be like his chairs, formal, authoritative, cold he smiled and said “is that why I’m sitting here on the floor with you?” Point for him. It felt safer and more intimate on the floor. IDK… sharing the same sitting surface? At first it was disconcerting and strange but it got better. I know he was not that comfortable and I told him he could go back to sit in his chair and he said no he’d rather sit with me. I got tired and untangled my legs and stretched out and at one point I had to get up on my knees to reach the tissue box. Despite the horror of the chairs… I think sitting on the floor with him went a long way to helping my connection to him. I think it was a good thing. It felt intense in some way. He talked to me more about how important the relationship was. That it was him and me together that was the important thing. Not the furniture.

At one point I looked at him and said that I was so afraid he would want to be rid of me and that he was stuck with me. He asked me why? I said because I come to him with a failed therapy behind me and I’m having such a hard time connecting with him and I’m not always so easy. And that he would not want to get rid of me to add another abandonment onto my last one. He said he knew after two sessions that we could work together and that he wanted to work with me and he would not change his mind about that. He said I could stay as long as I wanted to. He spoke so softly and gently and told me that I needed to know that my acceptance there was totally unconditional. I looked at him and he said it again and then I just burst into deep sobbing. He was quiet for a minute or two and then I got control and looked at him and I said … that was scary to hear. He said what was scary about it? I said …well maybe not scary, wrong word. It was powerful to hear and I know you’ve said that before but it’s so hard for me to hear it, to take it in. He simply said to me “I think you finally heard it now”. He was right. I heard it in a way that made me FEEL it. It was good. I am accepted there by him and I don’t have to do anything to earn that place or to keep that place. I can stay as long as I want to. That is an amazing feeling.

After that we talked a bit more about lighter things and then wrapped up the session. He joked that it was going to be hard to get back up LOL. He said sitting on the floor reminds him that he is getting older. I said, better not older. I got up too with as much dignity as I could muster for my age and slipped back into my heels and put my blanket away stealing another quick glance at the scary chairs. Maybe I will bring my throw next time and test them out. I think it was Catalyst that wrote about making friends with new stuff before using it. That describes exactly what I feel I must do to get past this change.

I am really so lucky to have found a T like him. While we may not sit on the floor next time, I think we will do it again when I am struggling with talking to him about something. I think it was good to get us/me out of the rut I felt we were in. It also gives me hope that trying some new and different stuff may make a real difference in my therapy to move us forward.

If you read this much… wow. And thank you. I am still sort of shaky and need time to try to take it all in.

Hugs
TN

This message has been edited. Last edited by: True North,

quote:

It felt safer and more intimate on the floor. IDK… sharing the same sitting surface? At first it was disconcerting and strange but it got better. I know he was not that comfortable and I told him he could go back to sit in his chair and he said no he’d rather sit with me. I got tired and untangled my legs and stretched out and at one point I had to get up on my knees to reach the tissue box. Despite the horror of the chairs… I think sitting on the floor with him went a long way to helping my connection to him. I think it was a good thing. It felt intense in some way.

It was quite lovely reading your lovely account of your session today. thank you for posting it. He is without doubt a lovely and very 'empathic' T

I find sitting on the floor to be just so much more close and intimate. I shall be interested to see whether you will ever feel the same on a chair, even a new leather 'comfy' (LOL) chair.

It is good to hear the two of you re connecting so well. He really deeply cares about you and you can let go and let that in. It is lovely.

Wow, thanks for sharing. It really sounds like the might just bring you even closer.

quote:

and he, without a word, plopped down on the floor just across from me.

I LOVE that man!

How very brave of you TN, I am glad that you were able to hear and take in his welcome for you. I remember the first time it happened and how powerful it was. I also know those tears that come. They are a mixture of joy at finally having a long sought after welcome, combined with the grief of not having known it before. But they are healing tears. Thank you for sharing that session. Your T has found a patient worthy of his skill and you have found a T worthy of your trust. This is the healing that happens when we stay to work through the intense feelings that can get kicked up in this powerful relationship, especially when we run into the boundaries as you did here.

love, AG

(((TN))) I'm so glad you got to share a surface with T and feel some of his empathy toward you through his email. I hope over the next few sessions you will be able to take in his same-ness, while maybe getting comfortable with the changes to your environment. It took me about a month to do that when T switched offices for our second session recently. Once in a while, I still long for the other one, but I do not feel scared and trapped like I did the first couple of times. I am starting to feel like it is home, because he is there...I hope you can feel the same. I am very pleased every time I think of you being in his care. He is really safe and just what you always deserved from the very beginning.

(((TN)))

A great session it sounds like I'm so glad you were able to connect so deeply. It sounded so intimate... like okay I'm very visual and as I read I was picturing the entire room and there you were in just a part of the room sitting on the floor and as I read further and further all my visual was was just you and your T and everything else around dissolved. It sounds like it was like that for you too in session that you were able to look at your T and hear him and the chairs only re-entered your mind at the end when you had to look at them hehe. You will make friends with them. My T helped me make friends with her EMDR stuff by allowing me to trash talk them - she'll get involved in it too. I used to walk in to her office and saying "F#*@ing buzzies" (the particular EMDR things I hate are these hand buzzers) and she would joke with me as occasionally I was looking at them scornfully. We'd only use them for positive associations (that's the only capacity we still use them at this point so eventually when I work on trauma material the EMDR equipment won't also be activating in itself). Now I like them, enough that I joked about getting them a christmas gift (tiny mittens) and anyway... so maybe you and your T can have some fantasy anger talk about those chairs. But anyway that is neither here nor there.. I'm really glad session went so well today!!

quote:

Now I like them, enough that I joked about getting them a christmas gift (tiny mittens)

So glad to hear about how well your session went, TN. I just love that you went ahead and sat where you could, and that he was so quick to sit WITH you. Pretty awesome stuff.

SG

((TN))

I'm glad the session went so well. It is so good when T understands and accepts things that are in some ways irrational but actually symbolize much different things. I once sat on the floor with T while we were working on the puzzle and I felt differently and much closer to him.

thanks for sharing your session with us.

This was so great to read ... congrats on the great work you're doing!!!

xoxo

Wow TN
Just read the way through your session post twice, it was great that T 'met' you on the floor like I could see the two of you sitting there as I read this. Despite the changes to the space - this was amazing stuff really powerful connected deep down stuff - way to go

Hey TN
Just joining in the crowd of us smiling away at your lovely, lovely account. I have to agree with AG... I LOVE that man too!!

He just sounds so lovely and calm and steady and caring. And so amazing to hear you so connected to him, and really letting him in - especially after all the pain you have been through.

Thank you so much for sharing such a special session.

Hugs xx

Great stuff TN,
I am so glad that you DID'T sit in the new chairs for that session, that he met you as you were, as you needed to be, on the floor. I am glad you were able to express and he heard your fears of abandonment and things being taken away from you, that feels so important to have said. My T has sat with me on the floor several times, there is something very special about meeting someone where the are at, that somehow words can't explain.

Thank you for sharing that with us so beautifully((((TN))))

starfishy

((TN)) - oh I love that man. He is so in tune with you. I think he had done his homework before hand and that is why he had given you some time to "become friends" with his new office and chairs without him there - that is incredibly insightful and respectful.

And then he sat down with you in 'your space'. Wow and wow. I love how he alters his voice at different times too and it sounds like he gives you just the right amount of thinking and processing time and then whenever he speaks he says just the right thing. Shivers.

I love reading your accounts as i too can conjure up a visual of how the room looks like.

Because of you TN and the unfolding of the story about the room change, the chairs etc - i discussed it all with my T - and how I am the opposite to it and why I might be like that. I don't notice a thing - about the room, about the decor, about T or what she is wearing. I sit frozen in my cocoon of isolation and not let anything in or out. I told T that I think I don't feel safe and i don't attach to anything - not the chairs or furniture, to memories of what she wears, to anything in the room etc.

So this week when T and I walked to a local beautiful rose garden to have our therapy out in the open on a park bench on a lovely day and I looked at beautiful and perfect roses for 90 minutes - I thought of you TN. Your story prompted me to discuss it with T and together we decided to do something different to help me feel more safer to talk. And I talked and we were both more relaxed. T was different too. She had never been to that park before so it was something we created together.

For both of us TN, next week might be interesting as you get used to the new room and the new "inhabitants" and I get used to being back in T's office. We won't go to the park all the time and I am not sure how either of us are going to guage when we do or don't go there.

So pleased for you TN.

I wanted to pop in here and say thank you to everyone for the kind and thoughtful replies. I will return to address each of you later but I'm sort of swamped right now with stuff to do.

I just wanted to let you all know that I am still feeling really good and close to my T. I see him again tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it. And I am going to try to avoid my usual pattern of moving close and then moving away or pushing T away with my anger. I want to hold onto this closeness and keep it going and growing. My lovely, wonderful T has been spectacular through all of this from his warm, protective phone call, to his reassuring email and then by sitting on the floor with me. He did not miss a beat. I can also see that he has a sort of fan club on here so I need to be nice to him!

I'll be back later but I wanted to thank everyone for their posts.

Hugs
TN