CT

First off, everything HB and JM said! (Very, very smart women!).

I also enjoyed reading it because as JM said, I related to so much of how you felt, I remembering struggling (still am with some of it) with all those issues.

quote:

Then she said, "as for me not reassuring you that I am am not lying to you, nothing I say will work. If I say, I'm not lying to you, how will you know I'm not lying about that too? It won't do you any good for me to tell you that I'm not lying."

This REALLY hit me between the eyes. My T and I were talking about my coming to trust him (which took a while and counting) and he told me that he could have told me he was trustworthy but it wouldn't have meant a thing. Why would I have possibly trusted what he said based on my experience? That he had to just keep coming and proving himself trustworthy until I was able to experience it enough to trust him. And I have to admit, as much as I don't like it either, he was totally right.

When it comes to some really significant things about our relationship -is my T trustworthy, am I safe with him, is he telling me the truth, does he mean the good stuff, is our relationship real- the only way I learned them was to experience them.

I often think of my T as the piling on bridge or a dock. Driven in deep, steady as a rock, unmoving and a base to build on. He just held in place, being consistently what he is until I could see it. So what your T said really resonated with me because it was my experience.

It sounds like you have a really awesome T. And I'm glad that you're going to her with your feelings and wrestling with these issues. Its in the struggling that the healing happens.

AG

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It sucks for that little girl who deserves a hug. I am sure she does, but does your T welcome you to express that little girls feelings in defiance to her? I mean not like you're going to convince your T to offer touch, but to give the little girl expression to her grief and anger for not having it and how much she wants and needs it? Do you know what I mean? The little girl wants and believes that your T can fulfill your longing for touch and she needs to pour out her feelings to the raw bone of them getting to the heart of where this deprivation comes from.

Hey JM-
Yes, my T does allow me to express whatever I'm feeling- adult, little girl, puppy (?jk)... whatever. I make a lot of child-like comments to her (to everyone in general) and I don't really try to restrain them. I let a lot of it just come out. However, I'm not sure the really sensitive side of my little girl is okay with really expressing her disappointment to my T yet. I mean, I'm sad about it and have told my T how sad I am, but I think my little girl really just feels to rejection of it. I know its not a rejection and that it is for my own good, but i still feel that twinge in my gut when I think about how my T won't ever hold me;

**Enter random thought- have you ever seen the movie "Sandlot" where that kid fakes he's drowing just to get the hot, older life guard to come over and give hime mouth-to-mouth? I wonder what would happen if I choked on my gum or something in the middle of a session and started turning blue?-- I bet she'd initiate some touch then, but with my luck I'd really die and wouldn't remember her attempting to rescussitate me! ** Back to rational, more appropriate thought.

My little girl is still buried pretty deep when it comes to expressing true emotion. She's getting there, but she is really skiddish, paranoid, careful and observant. So if anything goes awry or feels too scary, she hides for a while. Her favorite game is hide and seek! LOL

Thanks everyone for your support and responses. I figured this topic would resonate with at least a few of you. I wanted to let you all know about something that happened today. I had what I call a "feeling epiphany." You know, when the emotional side finally has a light-bulb go off that went off for the cognitive side forever ago. I was in the car driving home from school and I was thinking about this whole "feelings in a box" notion my T brought up yesterday... and then it clicked! I realized I'm not just supposed to use this box when I'm at work! I'm supposed to be able to choose when to take these things out of the box and explore them when I'm ready, not do other things WHILE I am thinking about all of this other stuff!!!! WOW! that makes such a big difference. This box was not a one-time-use-only container... I'm supposed to have a permanent one!!! And, I don't have to close the lid and never open it again!!!!!! Holy crap... do you know what this means???? I might actually have some freaking regulatory ability someday. I'm so excited... I don't have to feel everything inside of me all of the time?!?!? I am almost giddy... seriously. Hot damn, I wanna just call my T and tell her... but I think I will keep THAT feeling contained til next Wednesday TOO just because I can.

-CT