Okay, I really need to post what's been happening in my heart/mind for the past two days. I am not sure what's been triggering me--childhood issues, my attachment to T, or what. BUT, I have become extremely depressed. This is after a brief period of feeling really good like I was getting so much better.

I reverted back to old coping methods. I called T--she basically told me to use my skills, go to the hospital if I need to, and call my psych to get the medication checked out. She told me that she thinks I am seeking her attention--that she is going to hold her boundaries more firm, and that she's going to turn it all around on me to re-parent myself. She said that we aren't getting into the emotional stuff (me telling her that I love her,etc., my feelings of attachment to her)She said that we are not going to talk about that stuff because obviously I can't handle the emotional stress right now. I've been sad and depressed, and then I turn to her and she seems so cold. She broke my heart. (Want to go back to the name Broken--because that's what I feel). It just seems so unfair to me when I seek help from someone who is supposed to support me, and to be turned away with such distance. How am I supposed to trust her when I fall for her, and get close and then she turns around and breaks my heart in two by reminding me that she's tightening up those boundaries.
I told her that this doesn't feel like it helps much. I feel like I am more inclined to SI when there is a huge rupture in our relationship...and right now, I feel it.

Just turning to the boards to write out my feelings. Not sure what I need or where I want to go with this. I am definitely Broken tonight.

--Hollywood

quote:

She told me that she thinks I am seeking her attention--that she is going to hold her boundaries more firm, and that she's going to turn it all around on me to re-parent myself.

Hi Holly... reading this makes me really angry with your T and also reinforces my feeling that she does not understand attachment injury in a patient. Of course you are seeking her attention, that is what you are supposed to do for awhile. She has become internalized as your secure base and when things feel scary or you have anxiety or are feeling sad you turn towards her for comfort. There is a psychological name for what you are doing called "proximity seeking". It's part of attachment behavior. Unless you are really breaking and violating boundaries, then her making her boundaries more firm is just a punitive action which is going to first make you ashamed you reached out for her and her inconsistency is going to shake your trust in her. As for you re-parenting yourself, well if you could do that then why would you even need her? Would you tell a 5 year old to go parent themselves? Would that make any sense?

Her rejecting your need for reassurance and connection is just re-enacting the behaviors you most likely experienced as a child which caused your issues in the first place. I know it's difficult and sometimes may be scary for a T to have a client become attached to them but she needs to get some supervision on this because what she is doing is not going to help you heal from attachment injury and it's not building the trust and safety and stability you need to be able to talk about and work on healing the trauma.

Holly, you may have told us but... how old is your T? How long is she in practice and how long have you known her?

I'm really sorry she hurt you tonight and that you are feeling so awful. Maybe you could retreat into your left brain and do some attachment research that you can print out and bring to her for the next session. Maybe it would help with the pain for now.

I hope things get better for you. You are in my thoughts.

TN

Hugs to you Hollywood - I know you are suffering a lot right now.

True North - you have such a gift for explaining things. That has really helped me also by reading your post. Thanks for that.

Hollywood - Hope you find some resolution soon. Remember to slow everything down, breathe, don't make big decisions and just sit with the feelings. This has helped me a lot lately and I haven't been reacting as much.

SD... glad I could be of any help. I know you are struggling in the T relationship these days and I hope things work out for you.

TN

((TN))

So much to think about in what you wrote. You definitely have a way with words and helping me to understand things so much better than I ever could on my own.

My heart feels broken tonight. I feel quite overwhelmed with all that has happened and dis-associative. I'll be back, though, to answer your questions.

I am very angry at my T right now too. Why would she hurt me like she has?

--Hollywood

((SD)) Your hugs always make me feel better.

Thanks for your support, too, love!

OKAY, let's see if I can make this make sense---it's like a swirling of emotions going on in my brain at this moment. First, my T has been in practice only a few years. She's in her late 40's/early 50's. This is a second career for her. So, she's kind of a newbie. I think she was in some type of business industry before. Maybe I should have picked someone with YEARS of experience who'd get all of this I am throwing at her.

Yeah, I just want to be close and feel secure. The fact that boundaries are thrown in my face each and every time I do that just stings so much. It's like rubbing salt on my ever so sore wounds. I do find myself shrinking back, wanting to sit in a corner drowning out that pain with loud music--just like that little girl did so long ago. You know that little girl...well, she's shaking inside of me. She was starting to settle a little, get a little warm and fuzzy with T, but now she's angry. She can't be reached right now--no matter how loud I yell, she's tuning me out with the music in her ears. She's tuning T out and is demanding me to protect her from getting hurt again.

I don't even know if my medication needs adjusted. It's all so hard for me to tell if it's pain because I am depressed or my medication isn't working, or if it just hurts so bad because of this attachment and walls being put up around everything. It's the boundaries---but, I guess I need to have my P check in on me. I'm sure P and T are having a field day discussing me today. I am so incredibly angry at both of them right now.

I told T that I was in a lot of pain. She said it was yearning. She gets it, but she refuses to allow me to feel it. We are "not" going to be focusing on those emotions. We are going to work on those skills. That "love I feel for" I need to feel for myself. I need to be my own T! She said "you need to not depend on me, and learn to depend on you!" "You need to be your own "T"! How can I be my own "her?" She left me confused with all of this?

Right now, my life is overcome with the emotional pain of my past. She wanted to know what triggered it? She acted like nothing is wrong with me, but on Friday during out last session I shared with her the emotional abuse I suffered as a child...how unprotected I felt in a house that had little stability and two parents fighting non stop. No protection for that little girl....she was lost in her room.

AND, tonight, that little girl is lost again. I loved T. I trusted her. I never expected her to hurt me, but I was wrong. She broke my heart into a million shattered pieces----and to make matters worse that heart was never complete before. Now, I don't know if it ever will be.

Friday is a few days away, but as of now--I can't do this anymore. I will walk away. In that short period of time I have learned to love that little "freckled faced girl"---and the fact that someone is hurting her again makes me realize that I need to protect her--keep her safe. T treats her just like mom did--emotionally cold and distant.

--Hollywood

Hollywood

You need a housekeeping session - where you and T renegotiate your relationship. Can you work out exactly what you want from her? And then tell her. If you KNOW that her answer is going to be NO all the time - honestly I just can't see how you are going to get along with her for the long term.

She sounds too inexperienced for me! Hey I have learnt from that the Hard way. You need more from her.

I told my T that I need tiny amounts of regular and boringly consistent contact from her between sessions. If I don't have that now - I am not feeling a connection as it feels 1 sided - in the future when I am attached to her - that tiny amount of contact will make me feel that she is there and listening. I said if I dont get that I am going to get all BPD desperate and ranty and crazy on her because I dont have object permanence and (thanks to True North's post earlier ) I told her that I will be proximity seeking all the time.

I don't know Hollywood - your T is sounding more and more harsh to me. Can you go T shopping and see if you gel with another one.

SD

quote:

Friday is a few days away, but as of now--I can't do this anymore. I will walk away. In that short period of time I have learned to love that little "freckled faced girl"---and the fact that someone is hurting her again makes me realize that I need to protect her--keep her safe. T treats her just like mom did--emotionally cold and distant.

Hollywood, your story is also my story. I took a risk and shared some deep hurts and it didn't turn out well with T. She couldn't or wouldn't comfort me and yes it was just like my cold and distant mom. I tossed and turned all night that night and have decided that I deserve better therapy. My concerns with her connection with me has been going on for months, since I first started with her. Most of the time I feel much worse after therapy and it takes me days to get back on my feet. I did talk to her one time about these feelings and she became defensive and nothing changed. This is not productive and it is time for a change. Thank you Hollywood for posting this. You helped me. I am going to find a new T.

Hello Hollywood
I want to send you a hug first off. It sounds like your t is not able to give you what you need right now and does'nt seem to have explained why she is taking this frankly tough approach with you. For example, T and I have slowed off the emotional/feelings stuff right now, but she didn't do it harshly or without talking about it/through it with me first. I was simply being flooded with feelings because they are a new language/thing for me and she wants to help me have some feelings building blocks first and go slowly therefore without being swamped all the time by things I don't know or have experience of. It concerns me when I read of t's not explaining things or discussing them with clients/patients. Your T sounds harsh in that you don't mention she has explained herself at all, t is always explaining things, talking to me about what approach to take in a certain way. Can you ask t to explain herself ? If she won't or you are not happy with her answers maybe a different approach would work better for you.
In the meantime, thinking of you
JMBx

HI there Hollywood,

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. It hurts me to hear what your T said to you because if my T said that to me, it would devastate me. So, I can only imagine how painful all of this is for you.

I had some issues with my T re: attachment but he would never had said anything like what your T is saying to you. He and I were able to work it all out but I'm not sure your T really understands or is willing to try to understand her part in all of this. From her point of view, the issues are with you and you alone. So, what I'm trying to say is I don't know how receptive she is going to be even if you do try to talk to her about it all.

Have you thought about just consulting with someone who specializes in trauma just to get a feel for what the heck is going on? I completely agree with you that she is pouring salt in your wounds. You were pushed away in childhood and now you are coming back, trying to get close to T and she is pushing you away again.

I went to a T who became a T later in life also after having had a career in banking. She was nice but she also had a lot of baggage. It took her so long to get straightened out that she moved too fast for me because I don't think she believed in wasting time. Anyway, so I am a big believer in T's with lots of experience. The young and/or inexperienced ones might be fine for simple problems but as the problems get more complex, I'm not so sure.

In any event, I hate to see you in so much pain and I don't think you should have to put up with it. (big brave words coming from little me!) It's your therapy afterall. At least try to consider going on a consult?

xoxo

Liese

quote:

She said "you need to not depend on me, and learn to depend on you!" "You need to be your own "T"! How can I be my own "her?" She left me confused with all of this?

Holly I am so so sorry she said those inappropriate things to you. She is re-enacting your childhood pain that needs to be grieved and I don't know of any medication that can wipe out grief or I would have taken it after my T abandoned me last year. This is something that needs to be felt and worked through with a T who is kind, reassuring and suportive and who offers connection and allows some level of dependency. Otherwise it will just cause you more pain on top of what you are dealing with. What skills is she talking about? Is she a DBT T??

I don't know of anyone who only uses a DBT T to recover from childhood trauma and attachment wounds. If it was just a matter of skills you could read a book and check off the skill list of stuff to do and be cured. Does not work that way. You were injured interpersonally and relationally and so those wounds need to be repaired in a relationship with a T who allows this to happen and who is aware of how this all works psychodynamically. She needs to be your corrective emotional experience. It is through the EXPERIENCING of the feelings and longings that come with an intimate psychodynamic relationship that fosters healing. Not a T who says you need to go do skills and heal yourself. That makes me SO mad at her.

Holly, I know you feel attached to her and it seems that you cannot live without her but you can. I suggest you lay all your attachment needs on the table and if she cannot work like that or has no clue about it then I would say you should at least consult with another T who is trained psychodynamically or psychoanalytically. Someone who has experience in at least object relations theory if not attachment theory and who works with trauma. I can see that your T is not experienced enough and is threatened by your "dependency" on her. I imagine you are really not that dependent you just need to keep and develop that connection to her and when you are scared or upset you want to be close to her. That is SO normal. It actually means you are healthy enough to form an attachment. She should be thrilled instead of backing away and that shows her inexperience in this kind of work.

I hope you can have an honest discussion with her on Friday and if not, I would suggest that you do a consult with another T to decide if you should stay or go. I'm afraid she will only end up hurting you further.

Hugs
TN

Hugs to all that have reached out to me during this time. It means a lot to me that I can come here and write out my feelings. Wow, I don't think I have ever been hit so hard over the head--I woke up and my mind felt like it was swimming in this grief; almost drowning--I'm functioning-have the ability to appear normal on the outside, but my brain is doing that shut down mode thing where feelings have been turned off for the time being. I think it's for survival. It's almost as if I can feel a disconnection between my mind and my body. I'm walking, talking, acting normal...but in reality I am focusing inward and my brain is trying to sort out all of this. (I need to respond in more depth and I will be back in a little while to do that.) I just really wanted to let you all know that it's the support here that's keeping me grounded right now. I can't even express my gratitude.

Love you all.

(Broken Hollywood)

((((BROKEN HOLLYWOOD))))

Love the blend, btw. Glad you at least didn't drop the Hollywood. I feel much like you describe very often so I can relate, unfortunately for both of us.

I don't need a personal reply. I don't want to be pushy but I'm going to be anyway. What I would love is to hear that you've seriously considered a consult. You don't have to leave her. Just go talk to someone else who is trained in the field to see if she is doing the right thing by you or not.

xoxo

Liese

Hi Hollywood,
I feel so bad for the pain that you are going through right now. I haven't taken very many risks with attaching or admitting to wanting to feel close to my T, but if I had, and I heard what you heard from your T, I'd feel devastated. I'm glad that there are so many people on this forum who know what to tell you and have experience with these situations. All I know is that I'm pretty angry with your T right now. That may not help much, but I also hope that someone can help you feel better soon, whether it's your friends here, or a consult, or even your T. Good luck.
Quell