I know what you mean about that fear feeling. I went through a terrible bout of anxiety and fear earlier in the year. Ironically at the time I was reading a book by joesph heller called "something happened"...you should check it out if you get a chance. I think you'll find similarities between the main character and all of us.

At the moment my counsellor is away and while I'm trying to put it to the back of my mind it really isn't possible. My transference feelings for him are strong, particularly the erotic ones and I'm not stopping myself from feeling them...I'm not sure is that a good thing or not.

I really do miss him though I continue to rationalise to myself that my feelings for him are more about my parents than about him. But the fear is still there. The fear of doing something wrong or inviting disapproval. I'm at a crossroads in my life and I have a big decision to make. My mental wellbeing (it was physical last year when my ulcers got so bad I felt continuously sick) has kinda pushed me to make the decision that is more for me than for anyone else but that stubborn part of me that wants everyone's approval and doesn't want to take responsibility for my life is battling hard. Even though it got to the point where I could barely get up in the morning, I still manage to cast doubt over my decision of where I wanna go with my life. Part of me knows that I have to make the "tough" decision of doing things my way but for someone who's rarely done that before in their lives it's so so scary. I'm scared I won't be able to cope on my own and that i won't be able to support myself financially if I get too anxious or depressed. I continuously want my T to rescue me but he can't and it kills me.

The smallest things in my day can provoke huge anxiety and stress as well as fear so I get where you're coming from. I long to be free from it. I feel as if I haven't been anywhere near content in so long. The past year and a half has almost been like i'm outside my own life looking in and watching things fall apart.

It's like a huge reality has hit me that things don't have to be ok and that you won't necessarily feel happy...it's up to you to do something about it if you're not. And many people may not approve of the path you need to take to be happy which is a huge issue for me as I cannot put other people out...it is so hard for me.

Apologies for the rant but just posted to say I see where you're coming from and I envy your insight and progress...I wish you all the best and am happy that you've gotten this far

Thanks for starting this topic. I've been feeling like I need to post about something related to this.

Yesterday's session went really well, again. I had left a voice mail message for the first time, explaining why I had made appointments differently than we had agreed. At the start of our session he reassured me that 1) the appointment setup was just fine, and 2) he understands that I know how to respect boundaries. I felt really happy about that because I've been worried sick that he's afraid of me...later, we discussed borderline personality disorder and why I think I have some of the traits. He listened so well, and was so easygoing about it...I showed him a picture of how I feel sometimes (a pic that was posted in another forum, in a thread about BPD). He asked, tell me what it's like for you when you go there. I tried, but I wasn't there right then, so it's hard to put into words. So then I took another risk...I asked, next time I'm feeling like this, can I call you when I'm in the middle of it so I can describe it to you right then? He said yes, he's okay with that...then reassured me again that I don't have to worry so much about boundaries, that we are a "team" and I can trust him to tell me if I hit a boundary. It was so good to hear him say that. I really, really needed this reassurance. Up until now, I've had the idea that he would "tell" me by getting rid of me, and wouldn't be too nice about it, that I wouldn't get another chance. Kind of a "one strike and you're out" deal. Hearing that we are a "team" made a huge difference.

I felt so good after yesterday's session. Later, I realized that I'm beginning to start to think about losing my fear of him. And I'm beginning to start to think about trusting him.

Then all I could think was, da*n it, over and over again. Because it means I'm losing my "protection". He's getting to me. And then I felt really sad...but not at all like the negative transference stuff. The negative transference stuff is full of rage and hatred toward myself, self-loathing, and despair. This is totally different...like something that's been cold inside me for a long time is starting to melt. It feels sad and really good at the same time. There is hope mixed in with the sadness. Vulnerability and the hope of safety at the same time.

So that is how I'm feeling today...I guess you could say I'm on the "love" side of the love-hate flip-flop. There's more I want to post about that, but I'll start a new thread on it later, because I have some questions I'm hoping some of you can answer. Thank you for reading and for sharing your thoughts and feelings here. It sure does help.

SG

quote:

Crazy Lady: It's like a huge reality has hit me that things don't have to be ok and that you won't necessarily feel happy...it's up to you to do something about it if you're not. And many people may not approve of the path you need to take to be happy which is a huge issue for me as I cannot put other people out...it is so hard for me.

Hi Crazy Lady (great handle by the way!),
This is such a huge step in healing and one of the hardest to take. We all have a tendency to what to see things outside of ourselves causing our problems and this becomes especially problematic when a lot of things WERE done that weren't our fault. But to get better, we have to understand what we can and cannot control and also to recognize our right to assert our own needs. I know this feels very confusing, and is difficult, but you really are making progress!

quote:

Strummergirl: This is totally different...like something that's been cold inside me for a long time is starting to melt. It feels sad and really good at the same time. There is hope mixed in with the sadness. Vulnerability and the hope of safety at the same time.

SG,
THANK YOU SO MUCH! This is what I was struggling to describe. How you can be sad but really good, I love you description of it melting and the combination of vulnerability and safety. That description just resonated with me so much!

And I agree wholeheartedly with HB (go figure!), you were very brave and have made tremendous progress. You should be very proud of yourself.

AG

HB,

Thanks for your encouragement! I guess it was brave...but it's hard to see it that way, when my T has told me several times (sometimes with a little bit of exasperation, like he's thinking "why isn't she getting this?" ) that watching the boundaries is "his job". He'll tell me if I ask him for something that is a "boundary issue".

So I finally asked for something that wasn't a boundary issue. Hearing that "yes" felt pretty good. I just dread hitting a boundary and hearing a "no" . Ah, well...another lesson for another session.

Hey, that rhymed! (now you know, little things amuse me. sometimes very little )

Crazy Lady,

Thanks for the book recommendation! I'll check it out. Can you tell us a little more what it's about, and what similarities you saw?

quote:

It's like a huge reality has hit me that things don't have to be ok and that you won't necessarily feel happy...it's up to you to do something about it if you're not.

This sounds like a doctorate-level lesson...I don't know what kind of decisions you are facing, but it sounds really tough. And I understand the fear of doing something wrong or inviting disapproval. I hope you keep sharing with us, keep drawing part of your strength from others who post here, and keep asking for what you need to get through it, one step at a time.

I'm also having more and more "erotic" feelings for my T (for some reason that word bugs me...it's so, I don't know...erotic-sounding can I just call them "romantic" feelings? ) ...and I'm not stopping them either, but I haven't talked directly about them yet. I guess I'd better do that pretty soon before I spontaneously combust in session and ruin his nice couch...

But I digress.

AG,

Thanks for your encouragement too! I loved your description, and your poem choked me up. You express yourself so beautifully. In your words I recognized that I was experiencing a tiny bit of what you were describing, which gives me hope (as so many of these posts do) that I'm heading in the right direction. Kind of like following Hansel and Gretel's breadcrumbs out of the woods...

Okay, now I know I'm getting sleepy. I'd better get to bed before I come up with any more really bad metaphors. Thanks, everyone!

SG

Hi everyone,
it's so interesting that this discussion has come up, because these feelings are very real to me at the moment.

I've been confiding in a teacher at my school for the past year or so, and have stronger transference for her than my therapist (although that transference is very strong too)

After distancing myself from her for fear of rejection, I went and spoke to her only to find that she knew this all along. This was a shock to me, and while it was a positive experience to speak about the feelings, she also said that i give her too much power (wanting her to rescue me, thinking she is amazing beyond belief) and that she will let me down.

I am really feeling a kind of grief, mixed in with some hope. And to make it worse, I have less than 40 days of school left... I know this attachment must end soon. IT's very painful....

Sorry if this unrelated, it seems relevant to me. I just wish all this transference occurred ONLY within the therapeutic relationship

Hi all!

Thanks for the word of encouragement AG...they mean a lot. I still haven't made my decision which is terrible as I know it is my way of taking the easy route..not making the decision so that I run out of time.


SG....well done on the work in your sessions. The boundary thing scares me so much I never feel like I can cross it at all. I once sent an email to him when I thought I was in danger of doing something really stupid and felt terrible when he rang me back straight away..I do NOT like to overstep the mark in any way...regardless of whether i need it or not. I am in constant fear of coming to a boundary...and these days with the erotic transference I really want to test these but know it will kill me if he says no...make me feel even more like a child and more pathetic...I hate how weak I must seem to him.

As for the book...the man in it was a businessman. I won't lie to you....I found him quite repulsive. But the book is quite long and I was amazed at how much fear he had in his life, the contradictions he felt and how much of his feelings were repeated and irrational. Just like me!!!! He was afraid of something happening to his kids, many of his bosses at work but he also felt that he was more powerful than them. He treated women badly but seemed to love and hate his wife at the same time. He was afraid of being a terrible father but had rage and disdain for them on such high levels....

it's hard to put the book into words...after a chapter you'll get the gist as the fear is almost overwhelming and continues at the same strength throughout. He is not a likeable character and I do not for one second identify with some of his more distasteful feelings for people or his judgement of others. But his feelings of fear really hit a chord with me. He is exeptionally hard on himself as well at times...again something I can identify with.

Also SG...I like the choice of the phasing "I might combust and ruin his nice couch"!!! I know all about this feeling....I find my mind and eyes wandering during sessions...I crave him so much. Similarly I think I need to tell him. But again I want his approval...I want him to love me and fancy me and not see my pathetic needy side...it actually got to me when he said " it's hard to see how needy we are sometimes" I felt like he was saying "you are so d*mn needy" The last session I had a week or two ago I felt really anxious and nervous going in....sometimes I feel under scrutiny in there. I think I need to admit my erotic feelings but I don't want to change things. I know he's good enough to handle them. But this avoidance is just a continuation of what i do in everything in life...leave things unsaid so they fester and eat me up rather than testing the waters....I dread him saying that you need to grow up or see what you're doing and stop it. I don't want to stop it. And I certainly don't want him telling me.

I've drawn a blank now and i know there was something more I wanted to say.....ah well.Maybe I do need to talk about these erotic feelings and clear the air. I just feel like i know the source of my problems from the past but can't connect with them yet...almost like they didn't happen to me.

Finally to Meta4...I'm sorry that you are hurting so much. I dread having to find a new counsellor...I know it has to happen as i'll probably be moving soon and I am so attached to my current T. It's a very painful feeling and all I can say is that I know how you are feeling and wish you all the best. Though remember that people aren't perfect. I know you probably don't believe me but your teacher isn't perfect...she seems so understanding and caring and wise but you can be sure she has her flaws too, however small. Don't compare yourself to anyone...just try to live as happily and as well as you can because you can never be anybody else...there's a reason for that. The world would be very boring if there was a standard we could all reach where we were perfect and it was just a matter of spending time at it.