My therapist hugs me.

I am allowed to ask for a hug and she offers to hug me sometimes. She says it will be clean. No abuse. Just safe touch.

I was wandering if that is helpful in transference or if that makes it more confusing. Sometimes I love the hugs, but sometimes I feel maybe it makes our relationship more confusing to me. I guess transference is confusing period. But I was wandering what some people's thoughts were on this

I have read about abused clients and how some of them are starved for safe touch. I think I may be. I have always wanted someone to hold me and make everything better. I think because my mom never really gave me that. But will getting that from my therapist help me or hurt me-emotionally? I have read about people who have had their therapist hold them and it has been really healing for them..

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Transferencegrl85,

I dont know how it will affect you transference with you Therapist but i know that transference can be worked through.

My Therapist will only hug me if i ask her for a hug. She is very gentle and caring, She says that if she hugs me we have to talk about it, which is ok with me.

that makes a lot of sense. Once after sharing some really personal things about myself she offered me a hug and I had body memories. It was so embarrassing. We had to talk about it. Its common with survivors to get them, but I felt like such a weirdo!

I am glad to know that you hug in therapy too. Sometimes I feel that hugging is wrong.

My therapist is so caring and gentle as well.. Glad you have a great therapist!!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Transferencegrl85,

I am grateful that my T is ok with hugs because I really appreciate them. She will also hold my hand or pat my arm sometimes when I get really sad. I find it comforting and grounding.

About 6 months ago I finally worked up the courage to ask her to sit on the couch with me and not across the room and I was so pleased that she didn't hesitate to do this or even ask why. I told her how much easier it was to talk to her when I didn't feel like I had to cross so much "space" and she has sat on the couch with me for every session since. The closer proximity has definitely helped me get a lot more stuff out in the open.

TG

Why do you think your T may be abusing you with hugs? Do they go beyond safe touch?

I may be weird but I won't see a T who will not give hugs. I don't know why that is either. I guess I feel it is a basic expression of connectedness particularly in a relationship that can potentially bring up a lot of pain.

My old T and I hugged at the end of almost every session. My new T started to ask me if I wanted a hug. Then she told me that if I want hugs that I can ask her. Now we seem to do that part equally. I mean sometimes I ask her and sometimes she asks me. These are always at the end of the sessions.

One day when I was having a particularly difficult time I almost crawled up to her and put my head in her lap. I used to do this with my mom. I resisted that one! lol I have no idea how she'd have reacted.

One time a few years ago I cried for 3 weeks straight and then ended up in the hospital because I coudl not stop crying and the kicker was I had no idea WHY I was crying.

Anyway for 3 weeks when I saw my T I would motion for her to sit by me and she would and then I would bury my head in her neck and sob for the entire hour. I still to this day do not know what that was about. Finally on the third session she took me to the hospital ER. I stayed there for a couple of days and then asked to be discharged. I miss my old T so much. When my new T hugs me it is very nice and I like it but it's not the same as my old T.

Jo,

Did going to the hospital help? Were they able to do anything for you there?

I didn't know for the longest time what my T's hug policy was. Now I know she will hug me after every session if I ask for a hug. One time she spontaneously hugged me after a very hard session because she could sense I needed one, but we talked about that the next session, because it is her policy that I have to initiate the hug. She was just being sponataneous and perhaps a little maternal.

Sometimes I want to get up in the middle of session and hug her or climb on her lap, but I refrain from doing that. I'm am sure I'd find myself on the floor rather quickly if I didn't. And then she'd probably ask, "Now why did you feel a need to do that?"

I asked her to hold me once, but she said no. Sometimes I wish she'd at least touch my shoulder or my hand when I am crying. I do like it when she tilts her head when she is listening intently or feeling something for me.

But the hugs are great. I ask for them a lot more now and I find myself holding the embrace as long as I can. I am a long embracer when I hug, and this seems ok with my T. Sometimes it is very hard to let go and walk away.

I am also not very free with my hugs except with certain people and then I am very "huggy". They have to feel meaningful and I have to want it or I get upset. I think my T is hoping that will change, but it took me 2 1/2 years before I asked for my first hug from my T though I wanted to for so long.
JM

I seem to be in alone in this, but my therapist has a "no hug" policy with his patients. My first therapist did hug me but only when I asked. I went through a period when I asked pretty consistently and then it settled out and I would usually only ask at the end of a really hard session. There was a period where she would hold my hand during sessions when I was processing a lot of intense trauma. I swear I came close to breaking that poor woman's hand a few times.

It took me a long time to work up the courage to ask my present T for a hug. And honestly, I didn't ask until I knew I was capable of hearing a no because I was pretty sure that's what I was going to hear. I had talked to him a few times about wanting to be held but had never asked. I finally realized that I really needed to ask no matter what the answer was. I had come to realize that I did not ask for something unless I was absolutely sure the answer would be yes. That I had promised myself that I would never again be hurt by hearing a no. So it was important to me that I could ask for something, be told no, and still have the relationship be intact and even continue to bea good relationship. So I asked him at the beginning of a session (didn't want to get a no at the end and have to leave, too hard to deal with). My T very quickly and very gently told me no, then told me that he wanted to talk about why I wanted one and he wanted a chance to tell me why he said no. It was one of the best sessions I've ever had with him. He was able to hear why I wanted a hug, and to affirm my feelings and express a deep understanding of why I would want it. And even commend me for my courage in asking. I felt very accepted and understood.

Then he explained that it was nothing personal, or that he thought hugging me would be distasteful but that its his policy for all patients. And yes, that did help to hear, although I also told him that with my background of sexual abuse from my dad, why I realized that a hug might be more problematic in my case. As a matter of fact, I did tell him that I had been scared to ask for a hug for a long time because I wasn't completely sure of my motivation. Since I do feel very attracted to him, I wasn't completely sure how I would receive the hug.

Which it turned out was part of his reason for saying no. He felt that the little good that a hug might do was far outweighed by the possible harm. That I could be questioning why he was giving me one and even worse, if there was any hint of the erotic it could really damage me or our relationship. And that he felt that giving me a hug could hold out the promise of providing something the theraputic relationship could not provide. That not getting the hug allowed me to go past him to the pain of not getting that embrace from my father. No matter how many hugs I get from him, I would still have to mourn that.

So it was a very gentle and loving no and very important to our relationship. And he was very open to how I felt, we ended up discussing it a few more times including my pain over not being able to get a hug from him, so overall it's been a good experience. His attunement is so good and his ability to contain me that I often feel "held" although there is no physical embrace.

And I do get a handshake at the end of each session, so there's physical contact.

AG

quote:

Jo,

Did going to the hospital help? Were they able to do anything for you there?

River

Yes and no. I mean I did stop the incessant crying but I was so angry that I was there. It had been at least a decade since my last hospital stay. They did change my medications around but eventually I went back to what I had been taking all along.

quote:

Then he explained that it was nothing personal, or that he thought hugging me would be distasteful but that its his policy for all patients.

I can understand that. Especially being a guy and all. I know if I see a male gynocologist they always have a female nurse in the room for their protection. Maybe it is like that.

I know for me hugs are not the best way that I get support from my T. I honestly get more out of her caring words than I do out of hugs. Although last session her hug was paricularly warm and caring. I got the sense from it that she truly cared about me.

I am glad AG that you have such a caring T.

Jo,
Thanks, I'm really very grateful for him. He's an amazing T and has really helped me to do some significant healing.

I'm really glad to hear that you are sensing that your T truly cares about you. And I can understand getting more out of her caring words. Although our Ts cannot replace what we didn't get, the care and understanding that they give us is very real and very present. Experiencing that is a very important part of the healing.

AG

I'm all over astonished about the idea of getting a hug from a T. I pretty much have a "don't touch me" policy in the real world, and I can't imagine what it would be like if my T tried. I mean, I get that you all asked, I just... *ponders*

We're very different? Or you're farther along in the whole "healing" thing. Or I'm weird.

Wynne, you are not weird! You are one of the neatest, most genuine people I (don't) know (pardon the don't, cause how do I really know you other than anonymously and in short intervals on forum, but yet I feel like I do know you)Whenever I see you sign in, even if you don't post I get happy just seeing your name at the bottom of my screen and I smile.

I also don't think it has anything to do with being farther along, or here or there, it is more to do with our reactions and continued response to our past experiences.

So are cyber hugs out of the question Wynne?

It's always nice to see you surface.
JM

quote:

So are cyber hugs out of the question Wynne? Smiler

Heh, you caught me: you might have noticed I don't give those? I'm sorry about popping in and out. Some of the stuff that folks write sometimes makes me think a lot, and feel a lot, and I tend to go away for a while and work on stuff. I know I should probably work up the courage to post about it more, s'just hard. This post, for example. I got to thinking about what a "safe hug" would be like. Makes me a little sad.

And I'm always happy to see folks. I just... since I was a kid, pretty much forever, I've "shrugged off"/out of hugs. I've learned to stand still/pat backs now when they're called for in real life so's I don't hurt other people's feelings much, and I mostly just "do that" online, too.

Ok, I accept that. I still think you are an awesome person with so much insight and depth whether you feel that way or not. So I appreciate what you can post and I certainly understand needing time and space to absorb things.

Feeling sad about wondering what a "safe hug" would feel like is definitely worth paying attention to. Not that you asked me or anything. And for the unwelcome but sometimes called for hugs, I don't like them either. Blech! When I hug I want to feel it, not feel obligated to it.

JM