I have been in therapy for 10 months and have recently found myself wanting to be held by my therapist. The nature of what we are working ion at the moment means I feel very alone, upset and lost. She did give me a hug initially when I wrote down in my journal that I needed that, but has since said I must ask for one if I want one, as I have communication issues. I know she is just trying to get me to communicate with her, but I just can't, so I am currently VERY angry and frustrated at myself and her!!! Any suggestions as to how I can move this on? Thanks

Welcome, Sparkle...I don't have anything to add about asking for a hug, since I never even could ask for one since I don't see my T in realtime- but I just wanted to welcome you...I hope you can at least ask for a hug, even if the answer is no. AG wrote a lot about this...I'm sure if you look back through, you will find how she dealt with this problem, and it might help you.

BB

Sparkle, I am new here too so not sure how meaningful you will find what I say but I notice you say that you have asked for a hug in your journal and yor T gave you one. Would it be possible to talk to your T about how hard you are finding it to communicate your needs and perhaps together you could think of some kind of motion you could do instead of words. Not sure whether that would help.

thanks for the responses - great to know you are out there! She has said she wont reject me, but I am sooo afraid she will. I think I may try on Monday to talk about communicating my needs, but I just feel so embarassed at the thought, so it may not happen.

Sparkle and Butterfly,
I'm kind of on the fly right now, but wanted to say welcome to the forum! Sparkle, I did a LOT of work with my T about learning to ask for what I needed and it could get quite frustrating. I had learned a long time ago to not ask for what I needed because I didn't want to experience hearing no again and the pain that evoked. So I only asked for things outright that I already KNEW I could get. If I wasn't sure then I would drop hints or do something manipulative to try and get it. My T was a stone wall on this one, which turned out to be really good for me.

quote:

Any suggestions as to how I can move this on?

Yes, but you're probably not going to like them. First, I totally understand being angry with your T, you've told her how you feel why can't she just do it? But I believe she's sacrificing making you feel better in the here and now so that you feel much better in the long run. She is doing this from a place of care.

As far as moving on, the only thing that ever worked for me was to just walk into the fear and do it anyway. Every time you can do this, it gets a scintilla easier the next time, until finally after a long tunnel of chaos, terror and confusion (isn't therapy fun? ) it won't be scary anymore.

Good to meet both of you, I'm looking forward to getting to know you.

AG

Well, I am as prepared far better than I have ever been for tomorrow. If I can't speak about what I'm feeling/needing, I have written it in my journal and I will give it to my therapist to read.

I'm really glad I stumbled across this site, I feel very supported and its good to know that others feel just as I do about a fair few things!!x

Good luck Sparkle! I hope you get what you need from the session.

Butterfly

I hope you manage to get a hug. I mumbled it the first time and she did not hear and asked what I said (ARRGGHHH) but then I tried again, and she did. So now I say
rather bluntly
I want holding
and she knows I die asking
and she makes it easy for me
If she said no
i would be mortified
and she has not said no yet
But I think I had to work with her for 13 months before she was able to and I was able to ask. Maybe she always would have , but I remember early on asking and she said ' ask your husband for a hug when you get home' which I interpreted as a no.
But actually she can tell when I am in small child mode and it is no use interacting with me in adult mode then, as I can't hear and don't make sense and I just want HOLDING.
So i hope you asked, All my therapists have held me, and one, that I interviewed, said he would never hug, so I walked out, I knew I needed that.

Good luck Sparkle! I hope you are able to state your needs and have them met.

Seychen: I have had a few therapist since my teen years. The one I had the longest held me and hugged me and then my T that I've been seeing now for about a year and a half holds the little parts as well. It took a year of working with her multiple times per week and it only happened because T sensed that was what my body needed and when she asked permission the child parts said yes. Now, there are a few of them that will outright ask her to hold them, but sometimes still when they are quite upset then T will say that she sees that my body is asking to be held and she will ask if it would be ok to do that and then whoever is out will usually say yes. It is very healing, especially for the little parts as we were never held when little. I know some T's don't work that way, but I am happy that mine does and I don't think I could handle one that didn't. I spent way too much time as a child sitting there alone in pain and having nobody to help me or comfort me so to be able to have that now and have it be ok to ask for it has been very helpful in my healing.

well, that didn't go as well as I hoped. I did manage to communicate why I find it so hard to ask for a hug, but I still didn't manage to ask for one and I didn't get one. She said it would happen intime and when I had worked through the conflict of why I find it hard to ask. Feel like I let myself down by not asking for what I need, but feel angry with her for not hugging me anyway!

I am sorry you didn't get the hug that you were after Sparkle, your T is definitely making you work for it but at least you know that it is something that is possible. Well done for sharing why you find it so hard asking for one, that was really brave. I am sure you will work up the courage soon enough to ask for one.

Butterfly