Ever wonder how much we trust? I am so amazed at my trusting him so much. I never ever trusted anybody like that. Is it possible to experience this much faith outside therapy? Is it possible to trust somebody that way we trust them?
I trust him so much. Sometimes I wonder, does he feel burdened with my love and trust? Is he that strong to carry it? As if it was some kind of burden - my love and my trust.

I just wanted to share my last session with you. I am afraid that it may be potentially triggering for those of you who are dealing with some painfull stuff and some disruptions in your T-relationship.
My relationship with my T is the most beautiful thing for me, it's the safest place on Earth. It grounds me so much. I know that without him, I would be a different person.

So what happened yesterday... First of all, I wanted to wear stilettos. I thought why the f... not. I changed my mind eventually, because I was feeling quite sick with cold and didn't feel like bothering with high heels.
I do feel some desire for him recently, I scan his body carefully to be able to imagine him without his clothes.
We didn't talk about "these feelings" much, since I am not quite ready and I tend to freeze or try to run away from having these feelings. Actually I don't mind having them, it's just having them while he can see me, that makes me very very uncomfortable. But we will have to tackle it somehow. Don't know how yet...

I had some quite painfull experiences with men and last session we talked a bit about this. What triggers me is wanting somebody. That makes me feel sad and helpless and so lonely. I hate to have any feelings for any man. It's just to difficult. It puts me off balance, the precious balance that I am putting so much effort to maintain. Basicly I'm trying not to feel and not to want or need anybody and when I do - it is not good.

I talked about my 2 past boyfriends and cried a lot. I tried to give him some picture what my two most important relationships with men were like. One lasted 3 years, the other one about 1 year (and I am 33 years old). He asked what was before them and I didn't want to go there yet, because it really hurts just there. Even talking about these 2 men that wanted to be with me back then was so painful.
Then he said something about him wanting to help me with this pain, being able to do something to take this pain away or to comfort me. I forgot what exactly he said, but he said it twice because I refused to hear what he might have been offering me. It goes back to session few months ago, when I asked for a hug, he refused and that hurt really really badly. So I was afraid to ask for it again and I didn't ask. We didn't work this through untill now.
Anyway, he did give me a hug.
Later on he explained to me very carefully why he would not hug me every time I may want it. How confusing and painfull it would be if he did, that the therapy itself gets confusing and painful and it would not be right to add to it. I think I understood only then. I felt so grateful to him for explaining all this to me. I felt really close to him, I felt that he really cares and wants to protect me from any harm. I told him how much it hurt before and how I felt that he didn't see it, didn't get it. I feel like part of me is still angry at him and is angry at the other part of me that forgave him and that wanted to see only good in him.
I left feeling so safe and reassured, and feeling so much love and trust in him.

We ended the session on slightly lighter talk about how well we work together. I told him why I chose him to be my therapist - he seemed just a normal guy, while I was expecting God knows who. I feel like we do have a really good relationship, and while I'm writing this I feel a tiny bit of fear creeping in, that this is not right, this is not normal, it should not be like this - to be in a good, safe relationship that is not going to end badly. I hope it will last always.

Hi Amazon,

I think it's awesome - the level of trust you have with your T. And him wanting to help ease your pain...that is the epitome of compassion. It's so nice to read that you have such a good relationship with your T.

I had a session yesterday, and the enormity of trust was something that I thought about afterward. I realized after my session that trusting my T is something that I really don't know if I've ever done before. As in, I'm not sure if I've ever trusted anyone, because I'm realizing that the amount of trust it takes to disclose everything we do in therapy is something that I can't even fathom at this point. There are tons of things I hold back from my T - some small, a couple large things - and I don't even feel like I'm within radar detection of reaching the point where I can open up and trust that my T won't turn me away. Granted, I've only been working with her for a few months. But it still doesn't change the fact that I'm realizing that trust seems entirely foreign to me.

Anyway, I just want to say that I'm very glad you posted this, Amazon. I only hope that I can someday reach this level of trust. It also seems clear that your T really does want your love and trust, and he knows how to handle it, which he demonstrated through his explanation about his hugs. I'm so glad for you!!

quote:

I feel like we do have a really good relationship, and while I'm writing this I feel a tiny bit of fear creeping in, that this is not right, this is not normal, it should not be like this - to be in a good, safe relationship that is not going to end badly. I hope it will last always.

Amazon,

Thank you for sharing your session. It sounds like it was a really positive experience for you and that you really made some connections especially with the hug situation from before and then him allowing it now, but explaining more. That is great.

The quote above really resonated with me today. I have a really good relationship with my T as well. It is a bit complex in that I have DID so different parts feel different levels of trust for T. As I've posted lately, I have a little part that has really become close to T lately. She has finally let go and trusts T and that has really helped her to access her pain and let T help her heal it. Anyway, T has been holding this part in T quite a bit lately. She holds her, hugs her, rocks her etc. The amount of trust that has needed to develop before this could happen was huge. It feels right and it is very healing yet at the very same time I have these nagging feelings of "this is dangerous, stop getting so close, don't trust this, it could be a trick" etc. I know those are all old tapes playing and not reality. When I step back I am confident that my T always has my best interests at heart and would never intentionally hurt me. I think it just takes time for our nervous systems to acclimate to this level of trust (like the trust you had to place in your caregivers as a child) and then trust that it isn't going to be violated in some horrible way like it was in the past.

Anyway, that was long, but again I wanted to say that I'm so happy things are going so well with your T.

Amazon that's great to read your post - it's good to read sometimes of Ts that are good, of therapy relationships that are working really well - gives me the sense that it's actually possible, it really does exist!

And makes me envious as hell too

You've put a lot of work into your therapy, you deserve to have this wonderful feeling of trust and love. Good for you :hug:

LL

Well, I do have plenty of secrets still. Some of them are probably pretty silly. Some of them are just being made up during the therapy. Some thoughts or feelings that I had, that really freak me out and I feel so ashamed of having them pass through my head, that I push them away. And then I feel guilty of being afraid to "confess" or not trusting enough.
But on the other hand if I spill everything out, will there be enything left to say? Anything left to talk about?

STRM, as you said, sometimes something happens that just feels right.

LL, it is possible. Do not give in.
I also hope to learn that good, trusting and lasting relationships exist outside the therapy. That it's possible to have a loving relationship without fear outside therapy.

I like the comparison from the General Theory of Love, that therapy is like going to college. It's not going to be easy, quick or cheap. It's a big enough thing, takes time, effort and also money unfortunately . But it does pay off.

I feel like what I just wrote is so emotionless. Sometimes I look at it from aside, and I know that it is a big journey. Probably the most important one. I don't know what will happen though.

I hope you all experience the healing power of it. It is there and it is possible.

I've been trying to read General Theory of Love, but my brain is so scrambled lately that for some reason it just isn't clicking. I have always read non-fiction and things that are quite involved, but for some reason I'm having trouble with this one!

quote:

I like the comparison from the General Theory of Love, that therapy is like going to college. It's not going to be easy, quick or cheap. It's a big enough thing, takes time, effort and also money unfortunately . But it does pay off.

I really like this comparison, Amazon...I haven't read the book, either, STRM, but this one phrase sure takes a lot of the pressure and guilt off of me...

Amazon, it's good you are trusting your T. I so relate to what you said here, though in a different way.:

quote:

I hate to have any feelings for any man. It's just to difficult. It puts me off balance, the precious balance that I am putting so much effort to maintain. Basicly I'm trying not to feel and not to want or need anybody and when I do - it is not good.

I deal with this with my spouse, with my T, and with any other male authority figure that I come in contact with. I just want to run away the feelings become too intense, and it is so scary to feel that much need for someone. So, how did it get to be, that you would trust your T, and continue to trust? My trust comes and goes...

BB

Shit... you can't answer to more then just one topic at once... my post got deleted before it was posted.... aaaahhhhh!!!