Dear Forlorn

thanks so much for sharing this. It made huge impression on me to read, I recognize myself in many of the points and I relate to the desire to do so-called "ridiculous things". .. I have such a list:

things I want to do with my T
(Do not laugh.. yes, do so..

- I wanna come to the session without being nervous. No hart beat, no blushing, No Shame
(I`m nervous everytime i get there.. so..really long for this to happen..)

- Kiss his forhead, grab his hand and put it gently on my face. When he draws back his hand, at this point, I`ll take his hand back again, and do the same thing, and he just lets me.. (He has boundries, type; No toutching at all!)

- To sit in HIS chair while he sits in my chair. So we have a play, I'm playing him and ask him therapy questions and teasing him a little, acting like him..

- Want to pass out (yeah, my transference stuff) on his floor, so he has to sit down beside me, and try to wake me up... (And that is gonna force him to touch me)

- Want to connect with a patient of his- make my T see us while flirting, to make him react and warn me to "Do not connect with him.." (LOL!)

- Sit 10 min over time (sessions last for 45 minuts)

- cry so much that he has to hand me his wipes (?) (I have NEVER managed to cry in front of him)

- Kick his door, yell at him, make a BIG drama sceen and tell him I hate him- afterwards he`s gonna just smile to me.. joke a bit and tell me he loves me anayway..

- Want to tell him a moving story from my past- something - that makes him moved and tearfull..

- wanna shock him with a BIG story (type, sad memory), to see the reaction in his face, when he understands that he doesent know me after all anyway..

-Tell him "i love you, and I cant help it..cant fight it. Just let me love you, the way i can.. Dont mather what kind of love it is.. Just know it and accept it- I love you."

oh, The list can be SOOOO long! This was a great idea to try out..

I love this thread...thank you so much for starting it..I can relate to much of what was written...I'll have to come up with my own list, too. Do you plan on sharing your lists with your T's? thanks, mlc

haha! NO WAY i´ll share this with my T. No.. But you question made me think about it.. If I was a safe enough patient - i´d would have.. So maybe just have it as a goal, some day in the future, i share this with him. Even if all the points will look quite different then...

Hows your list? Still making one in your head?

Frog, mlc glad you both liked this topic. I was thinking and thinking of all these things then started writing and next thing I know came up with this list.

And Frog I had to add a couple of things I'd forgotten about until I read yours

I really liked you list. I think you should share it with you T. (ha! this coming from she who never shares )

mlc, I'm looking forward to yours if you want to post it, that is.

quote:

Originally posted by mlc:
Do you plan on sharing your lists with your T's?

Ah hem....um....well....you see....ah....maybe?

Idk. I'm afraid. I don't know why I get all afraid all of a sudden thinking about sharing the things about her with her. Someone asked if I'd share a dream I had about her and well, I kinda want to, but I just don't know.

But maybe it's cos my perceptions are so wacky. I think EVERYTHING I do or think regarding her is seen as freakish. So this list, yeah pretty freakish. The dream, extra freakish. The daydream, well c'mon now, that's just plain MEGA-freakish.

I want to be so open but am so afraid of rejection. (An old story. Carousel that keeps going round and round) Cos what if she does decide to get freaked out. How far can I push her til she says "enough Forlorn! Enough of this crap". But she wouldn't say that except only in my head where I've apparently managed to paint both a venomous mean picture of her rejecting me as well as a picture of her being the most awesome form of perfect I've ever known.

Yep, I'm definitely weird...

I think my list will be rather short, but here it goes:

First of all I had this wish/fantasy about him holding my hand. And surprisingly it actually happened few days ago. He held my hand for a while. It was a very intense session, very close and scary. The interesting thing is that I don't remember feeling his hand. I disconnected from this as soon as I touched his hand.

1. I would like to touch his face and his hair
2. I would like him to tell me that he loves me, not in the same way as I love him, but still, loves me as a person, human being, whatever kind of love is available
3. Also 2 hour session is my tiny wish, don't know why. Just would like to stay longer and see what it would be like
4. Fall asleep on the sofa, have him watching me or just being there and wake me up when the time is up
5. Have a picture of him on my mobile
6. I imagined once something very bad happening to me, and him coming to see me, comfort me, help me, be with me when I'm in pain
7. I imagined dancing with him (father-like transference fantasy?)
8. I imagine sometimes, what it would be like to meet somebody (a man), be with somebody and bring him to my session to introduce him to my T, and later hear what my T would think of him
9. One day I would like to be married and have a baby and bring a new born baby to my session to show him, have him hold the baby and be so proud and happy

Well, here is some of my list...

--I would like to style and brush my T's very long, blonde hair while we talk with her back to me

--have her hold me and stroke my head after I tell her something very painful about myself

--tell me she loves me (like a sister)

--go book shopping with her

--give her a long, long close hug after she comes back from a two week vacation

--sit on the floor like a little girl all day and watch her work

--give her a massage after she's had a long day at work

--go to a coffee shop/bookstore for our session

--watch a movie and cuddle with her

--lose a bunch of weight so that I am abnormally thin again and have her see me swimming and be really alarmed and concerned for me.

mlc

oh...and one more thing...be totally uninhibited with my feelings during our session...be able to cry, scream in pain, laugh out loud, etc....mlc

I might come back with a list later, but I just really want to touch his hair. He has the most amazing blonde hair I've ever seen. I'm seriously jealous that his wife gets to touch it. I stare at it almost every session even though I try not to. Yeah, I'm kinda obsessed with it... Oh gosh, this is embarrassing.

Awww, such great lists you guys.

I really wasn't sure if others felt the way I do. (big sigh)

So Update....

I showed her the list! Yes, and whew was it scary to do. I printed it out and told her it was a list of things I want but that I know they are influenced by transference so I won't ask for anything. Just wanted her to know about them. (in case she wants to offer??? )

It was sort of the "sharing session" because I shared (written only) a lot with her that day. Poor T, she must've been so overwhelmed.

Anyway... She said we could do some of the things on the list. She said if there was something she could do to sooth me when I need it in that situation then she would. How freaking cool is that!

But darn, I forgot which ones she said we could do. I think the hand-holding, sit in her chair, and hug. Which is awesome considering I never thought I'd ask for any of it.

Other things are restricted because of the insurance rules, like the 2 hour session, or session outside of the office. (dang)

But some she did sort of skip but I figured not to push them cause they were the heavier ones anyway.

so excited!

I love you post, forlorn.
I think it is a LOVELy list and one you could definately tell your T and some she would probably agree to, I have held my head on her lap, I often hold her hand, I love it when she says how deeply she cares about me, I now have 2 hour sessions, we sometimes (well only twice) has she let me phone her so that she can ask me how I am doing. I have her cardigan. I asked! I asked her to read me a story and she carries the book with her, (my favourite is Velveteen Rabbit) and she sometimes gives me a little kiss on the head when she is cuddling me. and I spend most sessions cuddled up now ! LOL imagine that! Oh I think I like all the things the would like to ask, so they must be fairly normal. If i was a T I could imagine trying to meet all those requests. So - do ask.

glad you asked, did not read that til I had posted, silly m1
I would like my T to say 'You ARE really traumatised and I will do what it takes to really help you. "
Duh, she DOES say that, just realized that.
Duh.
I would like her to stop patronising me sometimes though! She tells me things that are so obvious.
I would like to have a photo of her and something that she has spontaneoiusly given me, for me, without having to ask.
And I would like her to find a different therapy room (it is like a cupboard !)
and I would like to lie down on the floor and for her to stroke my hair. And I would like to snuggle more and I would like her to hum to me more. And I would like to cry it all out and she listens and strokes my hair.And i woudl like her not to treat me like some scary unpredictable client and more like a human being. but that is probably my projection.
I think my wants change with where I am , and I am at a pretty confused place just today, half doing great healing half going into scary stuff.

I would also like her to put some cream or healing ointment on the long scar going down my left leg, where i was third degree burnt as a baby. As if that will ever happen.
but that would be wonderful, to feel that she acknowledges that it hurts and that she could give that scar some loving attention. We are in England, so she would probably find a very quick way to explain how that will NEVER happen.!

DF, Sheychen

Thanks for sharing.

I wish wish wish I could gather the nerve to ask her to read my storybook to me. I wanted to ask one night, it was a perfect night for it but we got distracted on another topic and she kept pushing that topic til I just got so upset and started crying and shut down. All because I wanted her to read the book but couldn't bring myself to ask. Then I've been downhill ever since.

Oh I'm so jealous Sheychen (playfully though ) I wish I could curl up next to my T and the little kiss, oh how incredibly sweet!

quote:

And i woudl like her not to treat me like some scary unpredictable client and more like a human being. but that is probably my projection.

But I can definitely identify with you here especially recently. I'm not scary, and most times I'm just a little kid with her, why would she think I would be scary to her.

I wonder if your T wouldn't tend to your scar. She may surprise you.

I might tell her. About my scar.
Last session my feet were cold and just as I was moving from my chair to stand for a hug to leave, I again said 'my feet are freezing!' and I take my shoes off for therapy as I curl up a lot - and you know she was standing and before I know it she had just bent a little to rub my feet to warm them up, with a sort of cluck of kindness. If you could have seen my face!!!!!!!! I was stunned!!!!!!!!!!!!

I do want more kisses on my head and I want more cuddles and I want more holding her hand and I want to talk and talk and talk about all the things that are locked in my head. And I want to be able to email her as raged at her two weeks ago in therapy and then refused to ever email her, or phone her or ANYTHING EVER again!!!!!!!! So still suffering the self inflicted repurcussions of that.

And I have not had MY story yet, I hope she is still carrying it. I left her a note today - via the surgery, asking to swop cardigan for another, as it has lost her washing powder smell.

I would like her to just be kind. and not keep pointing out that I am unreasonable. (I AM unreasonable these days!!)
I miss her so much at the moment, I was half expecting a text message back after my note, but no - nothing.

Hi Blanket Girl

Once I was so not brave (and still very much am not)

In fact it took stages and great effort for me to finally reveal my wants to my T. And Am SO glad I did. I think back on all those missed hugs...

So I want to help. (And hopefully you won't think I'm being too pushy or insensitive)

I first started with this Boundaries Questionnaire below:

Boundaries

Verbal:

Y N Allows self-disclosure?

Y N Discuss personal feelings, problems, or fears?


Behavioral:


Y N Accepts gifts?

Y N Gives gifts?

Y N Accepts hugs?

Y N Gives hugs?

Y N Allows text messaging?

Y N Returns text messages?

Y N Allows emails?

Y N Returns emails?

Y N Attends personal events?

Y N Does out of office therapy?

Y N Does phone sessions?

Y N Over accommodates for the client’s schedule?

Y N Enter a therapeutic relationship with family, friends or acquaintances?

Y N Call or visit ill patient in hospital?

Y N Lend a book or DVD?

Y N Selling or buying items to or from clients?


Spatial:


Y N Allows touch?

Y N Works within close distances?


Misc:

Y N Do you consider your boundaries flexible or rigid?

Y N Speaks to clients out in public if your paths happen to cross?



And I told her I just wanted to ask these questions for the sake of knowing so that I wouldn't accidentally try to cross a boundary unknowingly. Some were hard to ask, but I just tried stating each one matter-of-factly.

So you're more than welcome to use this list only if you want to. But maybe it could help and to know what is or isn't completely off-limits. I'll admit though, I did get a number of "that depends on the situation" from her on some things.

Then after that, I started this thread and eventually printed it out and showed it to her. She agreed to some things and I think it has been more of a relief. I worried a lot about being rejected. And I suppose I have been, in a way, for some of the things she can't/won't do but I do feel better in knowing.

I think someone actually showed my list to their T. In sort of a "look what this completely other girl with a completely other T wants. Isn't this interesting?" sort of way. So it's less about you and more about what people want (these weird cafe'rs you chat with, not you, no )

Again, only if you want. But you totally do not have to. I tend to be overzealous in my "helping" and am trying to get over it.

And I hope you're not in too much pain from the wrist. please take care

i want to ask if we can just turn off the lights. it is so bright in there, and i feel so on the spot.

i may ask her about it. that darn t3, i turned off some lamps which she said was ok and glad i suggested it if it bothered me, then at the end of one session she hastily turned them back on....which made me feel like it wasn't ok, despite her words....one of the times i shoulda listened to my gut.

i may try turning off the lights on wednesday. i hate the spotlight.

No one could refuse you the door shut - surely. go for it and ask - and tell us what happens.

I asked my T last session if I could record the session, I had brought my recording device and she said "well actually I need to think about that."

deepfied

Absolutely you can ask for the door to be shut. I am so surpirsed that she has it open...just wondering if perhaps SHE has issues or something with it needing to be open. She must have stringent safeguards on confidentiality if she conducts sessions with the door open. Do ask her deepfried....it will be interesting to hear her reply.

starfish

I agree, for sure ask for the door to be shut if you would feel better that way. It would bother me to have it open as well even though T's office never has anyone else there but us. I hope that you ask and I'd love to hear her response.

She said no to the recording and kept firm on that one, no matter how I railed at her. You can forget hugs for a while, she cried on me today. See my post. Sigh.
But you know I also feel hope, that this is so awful at the moment because I have never been like this with anyone or any therapist, and it must mean that I am right in the middle of the tangle inside. Urgh. Feels HORRIBLE though

DF
You will be okay!! Good luck!
Hugs
Morgs

DF I’m sure it will all go much better than you fear - and it would be great for you to ask for something you need and get it. Start to undo some of the prohibitions in your head.

Good luck Deepfried

LL

Hi DF
Don't waste your energy feeling silly - it was a perfectly reasonable question to which you now have a reasonable answer!!! I would have asked it also. Hope you had a good session overall.
Take care
Morgs