Lately I've been feeling slightly unfulfilled because I have requests and wants that I'm not sure T will do or whether they are boundary crossings. So I never speak up and ask. Partly because I'm too embarrassed to and also because I wonder how many are influenced by transference.

Anyway, I thought it'd help to list them out here and see what y'all think. Maybe I'm not out of line in wanting some of these things. And I'll admit right up front, some of these are painfully open and honest revealings of my feelings that I never even openly admitted to myself. So I guess I'm trying to at least be honest with myself and maybe I'll get better at sharing these things with her.

I want:

To lay my head on her lap. (that's a big one I've wanted for a while but will never ask!)

Her to hold my hand and just sit with me without the expectations of working through something that day. (big one too. For some reason I have been wanting to hold her hand lately but I keep feeling too silly to ask so I end up mumbling incoherently about how I feel.)

To take turns painting our nails. (I know, totally silly, totally transference inspired. But didn't want to leave anything off the list no matter how weird or small)

To have her tell me she loves me. (it doesn't matter the type or level of love. It doesn't have to be "love me like a daughter". It can be as simple as she loves me as a general rule because she loves every human being)

To have our session at a coffee shop or cozy bistro.

To have a 2 hour session (I don't know why not. Sometimes I need 2 hours to even get through telling one story, not to mention analyzing its meaning. So why not 2? Then at least she'd get paid for the extra time I spend babbling on and on.)

Her to call me and ask how my day is/was.

Her to give me her toss pillow. (I really like it cos it's soft and cuddly and I hide behind it at almost every session so it's like my shield. Besides, she has 2 and I'd let her keep the other one LOL!!! )

To just stare into her eyes without feeling ugly, ashamed, or bashful.

To sit in her chair.

To have a picture of her or of us together. Or both actually.

Her to kiss me on the forehead.

To hug her for a whole session.

Her to draw/paint a picture just for me. (she makes really good art. And maybe a portrait of me so I can understand how she sees me as beautiful when I just don't see it )

To go on a shopping trip together.

To cry, scream, sob, and have a fit. Not violently, just full of anguish. And I want her to grab me and sooth me, tell me it's okay, while I cry in her arms. (I want to get "it" all out. I feel like it's trapped in there behind the wall of a grownup that I'm forced to be)

To get up to leave but have her stop me and tell me not to go. That she wants me to come back, stay.

To have a session in the park.

To braid her hair. (yeah yeah, I know, transference inspired maybe. BUT... I think it would demonstrate the highest level of her trust in me. 1. That she couldn't see me and 2. That she trust my style - which is extra funny to me since I suck at doing hair LOL!)

To curl up beside her and have her read to me. (my fav children's book is "If You Give a Pig a Pancake". I actually, yes actually carry it around with me in my backpack on the off-chance that one day maybe, who knows, there might be this weirdly perfect opportunity to have her read it. I am soooooo weird you guys)

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Forlorn,

-Forlorn

"The only thing preventing you from succeeding is your failure to believe in yourself"

Dear Forlorn

thanks so much for sharing this. It made huge impression on me to read, I recognize myself in many of the points and I relate to the desire to do so-called "ridiculous things". .. I have such a list:

things I want to do with my T
(Do not laugh.. yes, do so..

- I wanna come to the session without being nervous. No hart beat, no blushing, No Shame
(I`m nervous everytime i get there.. so..really long for this to happen..)

- Kiss his forhead, grab his hand and put it gently on my face. When he draws back his hand, at this point, I`ll take his hand back again, and do the same thing, and he just lets me.. (He has boundries, type; No toutching at all!)

- To sit in HIS chair while he sits in my chair. So we have a play, I'm playing him and ask him therapy questions and teasing him a little, acting like him..

- Want to pass out (yeah, my transference stuff) on his floor, so he has to sit down beside me, and try to wake me up... (And that is gonna force him to touch me)

- Want to connect with a patient of his- make my T see us while flirting, to make him react and warn me to "Do not connect with him.." (LOL!)

- Sit 10 min over time (sessions last for 45 minuts)

- cry so much that he has to hand me his wipes (?) (I have NEVER managed to cry in front of him)

- Kick his door, yell at him, make a BIG drama sceen and tell him I hate him- afterwards he`s gonna just smile to me.. joke a bit and tell me he loves me anayway..

- Want to tell him a moving story from my past- something - that makes him moved and tearfull..

- wanna shock him with a BIG story (type, sad memory), to see the reaction in his face, when he understands that he doesent know me after all anyway..

-Tell him "i love you, and I cant help it..cant fight it. Just let me love you, the way i can.. Dont mather what kind of love it is.. Just know it and accept it- I love you."

oh, The list can be SOOOO long! This was a great idea to try out..

I love this thread...thank you so much for starting it..I can relate to much of what was written...I'll have to come up with my own list, too. Do you plan on sharing your lists with your T's? thanks, mlc

haha! NO WAY i´ll share this with my T. No.. But you question made me think about it.. If I was a safe enough patient - i´d would have.. So maybe just have it as a goal, some day in the future, i share this with him. Even if all the points will look quite different then...

Hows your list? Still making one in your head?

Frog, mlc glad you both liked this topic. I was thinking and thinking of all these things then started writing and next thing I know came up with this list.

And Frog I had to add a couple of things I'd forgotten about until I read yours

I really liked you list. I think you should share it with you T. (ha! this coming from she who never shares )

mlc, I'm looking forward to yours if you want to post it, that is.

quote:

Originally posted by mlc:
Do you plan on sharing your lists with your T's?

Ah hem....um....well....you see....ah....maybe?

Idk. I'm afraid. I don't know why I get all afraid all of a sudden thinking about sharing the things about her with her. Someone asked if I'd share a dream I had about her and well, I kinda want to, but I just don't know.

But maybe it's cos my perceptions are so wacky. I think EVERYTHING I do or think regarding her is seen as freakish. So this list, yeah pretty freakish. The dream, extra freakish. The daydream, well c'mon now, that's just plain MEGA-freakish.

I want to be so open but am so afraid of rejection. (An old story. Carousel that keeps going round and round) Cos what if she does decide to get freaked out. How far can I push her til she says "enough Forlorn! Enough of this crap". But she wouldn't say that except only in my head where I've apparently managed to paint both a venomous mean picture of her rejecting me as well as a picture of her being the most awesome form of perfect I've ever known.

Yep, I'm definitely weird...

I think my list will be rather short, but here it goes:

First of all I had this wish/fantasy about him holding my hand. And surprisingly it actually happened few days ago. He held my hand for a while. It was a very intense session, very close and scary. The interesting thing is that I don't remember feeling his hand. I disconnected from this as soon as I touched his hand.

1. I would like to touch his face and his hair
2. I would like him to tell me that he loves me, not in the same way as I love him, but still, loves me as a person, human being, whatever kind of love is available
3. Also 2 hour session is my tiny wish, don't know why. Just would like to stay longer and see what it would be like
4. Fall asleep on the sofa, have him watching me or just being there and wake me up when the time is up
5. Have a picture of him on my mobile
6. I imagined once something very bad happening to me, and him coming to see me, comfort me, help me, be with me when I'm in pain
7. I imagined dancing with him (father-like transference fantasy?)
8. I imagine sometimes, what it would be like to meet somebody (a man), be with somebody and bring him to my session to introduce him to my T, and later hear what my T would think of him
9. One day I would like to be married and have a baby and bring a new born baby to my session to show him, have him hold the baby and be so proud and happy

Well, here is some of my list...

--I would like to style and brush my T's very long, blonde hair while we talk with her back to me

--have her hold me and stroke my head after I tell her something very painful about myself

--tell me she loves me (like a sister)

--go book shopping with her

--give her a long, long close hug after she comes back from a two week vacation

--sit on the floor like a little girl all day and watch her work

--give her a massage after she's had a long day at work

--go to a coffee shop/bookstore for our session

--watch a movie and cuddle with her

--lose a bunch of weight so that I am abnormally thin again and have her see me swimming and be really alarmed and concerned for me.

mlc

oh...and one more thing...be totally uninhibited with my feelings during our session...be able to cry, scream in pain, laugh out loud, etc....mlc

Forlorn,

Well, I don't think some of those are unreasonable. I guess because I do some of those with my T (holding, hugs, and longer sessions). I have 90 min sessions all of the time and have had several 2 hour and I think last week or the week before a little over 2 hours. Now, that can't always happen because sometimes she has another client and it is only when things are really bad and certainly nothing that I expect, but it is possible.

Hmm, my list. I'm not sure what I wish for. Right now it would be that one of my littles hadn't told T that she loves her.

Let's see:

To have a whole session where I could ask T anything that I want and she would answer (within reason)

To have T tell me that she cares about me. She shows me all of the time, but doesn't say it.

To see T's house and how she really lives (this one is a total boundary violation and would never happen, but is something I'm always curious about)

To be able to look T in the eyes and not have to turn away

That is all I can think of right now. Most of what I would have put on there in the past has been fulfilled. Some because T asked and I said yes and some because I asked and the need was met.

STRM
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see." ~Alice

"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light." Brené Brown

I might come back with a list later, but I just really want to touch his hair. He has the most amazing blonde hair I've ever seen. I'm seriously jealous that his wife gets to touch it. I stare at it almost every session even though I try not to. Yeah, I'm kinda obsessed with it... Oh gosh, this is embarrassing.

Awww, such great lists you guys.

I really wasn't sure if others felt the way I do. (big sigh)

So Update....

I showed her the list! Yes, and whew was it scary to do. I printed it out and told her it was a list of things I want but that I know they are influenced by transference so I won't ask for anything. Just wanted her to know about them. (in case she wants to offer??? )

It was sort of the "sharing session" because I shared (written only) a lot with her that day. Poor T, she must've been so overwhelmed.

Anyway... She said we could do some of the things on the list. She said if there was something she could do to sooth me when I need it in that situation then she would. How freaking cool is that!

But darn, I forgot which ones she said we could do. I think the hand-holding, sit in her chair, and hug. Which is awesome considering I never thought I'd ask for any of it.

Other things are restricted because of the insurance rules, like the 2 hour session, or session outside of the office. (dang)

But some she did sort of skip but I figured not to push them cause they were the heavier ones anyway.

so excited!

I love you post, forlorn.
I think it is a LOVELy list and one you could definately tell your T and some she would probably agree to, I have held my head on her lap, I often hold her hand, I love it when she says how deeply she cares about me, I now have 2 hour sessions, we sometimes (well only twice) has she let me phone her so that she can ask me how I am doing. I have her cardigan. I asked! I asked her to read me a story and she carries the book with her, (my favourite is Velveteen Rabbit) and she sometimes gives me a little kiss on the head when she is cuddling me. and I spend most sessions cuddled up now ! LOL imagine that! Oh I think I like all the things the would like to ask, so they must be fairly normal. If i was a T I could imagine trying to meet all those requests. So - do ask.

glad you asked, did not read that til I had posted, silly m1
I would like my T to say 'You ARE really traumatised and I will do what it takes to really help you. "
Duh, she DOES say that, just realized that.
Duh.
I would like her to stop patronising me sometimes though! She tells me things that are so obvious.
I would like to have a photo of her and something that she has spontaneoiusly given me, for me, without having to ask.
And I would like her to find a different therapy room (it is like a cupboard !)
and I would like to lie down on the floor and for her to stroke my hair. And I would like to snuggle more and I would like her to hum to me more. And I would like to cry it all out and she listens and strokes my hair.And i woudl like her not to treat me like some scary unpredictable client and more like a human being. but that is probably my projection.
I think my wants change with where I am , and I am at a pretty confused place just today, half doing great healing half going into scary stuff.

I would also like her to put some cream or healing ointment on the long scar going down my left leg, where i was third degree burnt as a baby. As if that will ever happen.
but that would be wonderful, to feel that she acknowledges that it hurts and that she could give that scar some loving attention. We are in England, so she would probably find a very quick way to explain how that will NEVER happen.!

DF, Sheychen

Thanks for sharing.

I wish wish wish I could gather the nerve to ask her to read my storybook to me. I wanted to ask one night, it was a perfect night for it but we got distracted on another topic and she kept pushing that topic til I just got so upset and started crying and shut down. All because I wanted her to read the book but couldn't bring myself to ask. Then I've been downhill ever since.

Oh I'm so jealous Sheychen (playfully though ) I wish I could curl up next to my T and the little kiss, oh how incredibly sweet!

quote:

And i woudl like her not to treat me like some scary unpredictable client and more like a human being. but that is probably my projection.

But I can definitely identify with you here especially recently. I'm not scary, and most times I'm just a little kid with her, why would she think I would be scary to her.

I wonder if your T wouldn't tend to your scar. She may surprise you.