quote:

Originally posted by soulfuldaze:
LOL...Russ

I'm not sure I follow me either. *groan* I have always struggled with the transference aspects of therapy. I don't relate to it very well because it seems like a transference is the least of my troubles in therapy...it is not very effective for me as I tend to project and transfer internally...

Same here, SD...or at least I think so. I'm so messed up at the moment that it's hard for me to characterize who I am or what I'm like in therapy, but your description feels like me...instead of projecting my pain and needs outward to my T, I send them in. No wonder I'm in a seemingly constant state of fear and depression. I would love nothing more than to pour all this stuff out on to him, and then get down to working through it, but I seem to be perpetually blocked.

quote:

Originally posted by soulfuldaze:
Anyway...as I see it... With your T unavailable, could you be feeling a need that you wish your friend could fulfill and transferring that need to her? Your friend may misinterpret that need and try to fulfill it in the way that she thinks she can. That would be the counter transference.
You feel guilty about needing something your friend cannot provide...and may project that...your friend in turn feels it and apologizes for being upset with you. What she may be feeling is that she was inadequate to meet your needs at the time. Which in turn makes you feel more guilty for needing something you know only your T can provide you with. This may also be compounded by your guilt about not being able to meet the needs of your friend. You know she is hurting and wishing that you would remove the boundaries you have set.

Your T's absence is a boundary that you wish was not there...so your friend triggers that feeling because it resonates (strikes a harmonic chord) with the boundaries you have set with her.

SD

SD, I think I get it now. Thanks so much for taking the time to explain it to me again. It makes perfect sense, but I'm not sure that's what's going on, unless it's going on unconsciously, which of course is entirely possible. In any case, I think the absence of my T is contributing to my pain more than I realize, in whatever form it's taking.

I went to bed at 9:30 last night and still had to force myself out of bed this morning, full of fear and depression. The idea of spending another day at work like yesterday was less than appetizing, but then I don't want to sit home alone all day either. For God's sake, this pain has to begin to ebb at some point, doesn't it? I've been at this for 9 months now, which seems unusually long, which of course creates all sorts of doubt in me about me doing it "right" or seeing the right T, and on and on.

Well at least I have this board. I really think I'd be truly screwed without this board.

Thanks so much, SD.

Russ

quote:

Originally posted by Hummingbird:
Hi Russ
Being in a different time zone can be frustrating and i am sorry i wasn't able to add my support when you needed it. It is early morning here and i caught up on what your day was like while i was fast alseep and just wanted to check in and see how you are doing.

I have had days when i feel like i am a walking exposed nerve ending. If you are feeling anything like that then you'll be hurting like hell and it'll feel pretty bad. The thing is there is more to you than this pain. There is the Russ who we are all getting to know, the man who can ask for help (quite rare i might add), the man who is open and honest and brave enough to explore his feelings, to know when he is struggling and admit to being confused. The strength of you being able to face the pain in your life, i promise you, is more than the pain you are in right now.

A big wave took you by surprise and knocked you off your surfboard and you've swallowed half the sea and probably feel quite sick, and now you have to climb straight back on and surf again.

The new awareness you'll get from this, when you do finally get it and realise OMG, that is exactly what happened, that is why i was so upset, is worth every bruise and scratch.

It is stormy and scary but you have us and more importantly you have you and all the strength, openess, hope, love and "heart" that makes you so precious, which you are by the way, in case you need a reminder
HB

((HB!))

Thanks so much for your kind and uplifting words. I shed a few tears this morning, reading your reply, and that's no BS. A "walking exposed nerve ending." Yep, that's me right now, walking around with this vague but profound sense of dread. And I am, as you perfectly state it, hurting like hell. I just hope that in some way, this pain is all part of the healing process and not just pure suffering for no reason. AG mentioned this yesterday, and it helped me beyond words and gave me real hope. If I know that this horrible mode of being in the world is actually part of the healing process, then I'll feel better about it.

And thanks for the compliments, HB. The funny thing is, if anyone here had met me before last May, you'd think I'd be the last guy on earth to open up about my feelings, my pain and my confusion. Yeah, I was your typical "tough guy", until I was brought to my knees by this.

You and everyone else on this board are exceptional people. You may not feel exceptional, but you are. I know, because I come from the world of testosterone, repressed feelings and phony ideas of what makes a person strong.

Thanks so much again, HB. I hope your move is going well.

P.S.. Feedback from you is welcome at any time from any time zone.

Russ

quote:

I've been at this for 9 months now, which seems unusually long, which of course creates all sorts of doubt in me about me doing it "right" or seeing the right T, and on and on.

Russ,
I just wanted to reassure you that you're doing it "right." As a matter of fact, I see you working really hard and making tremendous progress. I hesitate to tell you this because it may want to make you run if you haven't read it when I've posted before. But I saw my first T on and off for over 17 years before she retired. And I've been working with my present T going on 2 1/2 years working through my stuff.

When you're dealing with the kind of systemic neglect and deprivation of a secure base, the damage took years to accumulate. This is neither easy nor quick to fix. And having to fix it without that secure base can make it hellish at times. You were not provided with something that was so necessary to your ability to live a fulfilled life and you are having to go back as an adult and re-wire your brain. It just takes time.

There's NOTHING wrong with you, and a lot that's right. What's missing wasn't something in you, it was what wasn't given to you. You're doing it very right.

AG

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
Russ,
I just wanted to reassure you that you're doing it "right." As a matter of fact, I see you working really hard and making tremendous progress. I hesitate to tell you this because it may want to make you run if you haven't read it when I've posted before. But I saw my first T on and off for over 17 years before she retired. And I've been working with my present T going on 2 1/2 years working through my stuff.

When you're dealing with the kind of systemic neglect and deprivation of a secure base, the damage took years to accumulate. This is neither easy nor quick to fix. And having to fix it without that secure base can make it hellish at times. You were not provided with something that was so necessary to your ability to live a fulfilled life and you are having to go back as an adult and re-wire your brain. It just takes time.

There's NOTHING wrong with you, and a lot that's right. What's missing wasn't something in you, it was what wasn't given to you. You're doing it very right.
AG

AG,

Thanks so much as always for your feedback. It helps me tremendously to hear other people - especially therapy 'veterans' like yourself - explain the process, talk about their experiences and discuss the technical side of therapy, such as neural pathways, etc.. It's so encouraging.

As far as the length of therapy, I'm not really concerned with that. I really don't mind if I see my T for years to come. What does worry me is how long it will be before my symptoms start to fade or at least become less hellish. Right now, the fear, anxiety and depression I feel so often is totally hemming in and limiting my life. And, as I've been discussing with JM, medication (at least the pharmas) just don't agree with me, so managing the symptoms that way has failed so far. I suppose I could just keep trying, but I'm not crazy about the idea of taking one AD, feeling worse for a few weeks, only to try another, then another, then another etc.. It just feels like a total mis-management of my health.

Anyway, it's the "how long am I going to feel like total hell" loop that I'm stuck in right now. Some days are better than others for sure, but I guess I'm obsessing about "feeling better" and when this will happen for real. I also have this goofy hope that I'll have some kind of Eckhart Tolle-esque epiphany one day when something inside me will shift or click or sink in and my perceptions of everything will change and my suffering will end. I don't think that's gonna happenm, though.

I think you are 110% correct in saying that it took a long time to wire my brain this way...it's gonna take a while to re-wire it. Time to lose the Eckhart Tolle "Ah ha" moment dream.

Last friday I told my T a story about a friend of mine who was in therapy for two years before her symptoms went away. He smiled at me and said, "you might want to keep that in mind."

Thanks again.
Russ

quote:

Last friday I told my T a story about a friend of mine who was in therapy for two years before her symptoms went away. He smiled at me and said, "you might want to keep that in mind."

Two years is all Russ??? *snort* Sorry I couldn't resist, but I am entering year 3.

quote:

Originally posted by Just Me:
Two years is all Russ??? *snort* Sorry I couldn't resist, but I am entering year 3.

i forgot to add that when he told me this i said, "well, i see you three times a week. isn't that equivalent to three years for, you know, a "normal" person who goes once a week?

he said, "i don't think it works that way."