Lucy, 90% of what you have written here could be said about me, too. "Nice enough" doesn't seem to be an adequate standard for a mother if she isn't really there emotionally, for whatever reason. So it is natural to go looking for whatever is missing somewhere else. And if course it seems like the impossible problem because you can't just replace your mother. Nobody else can ever be the mother you always needed.

For me, therapy has helped me a lot with these issues, however. It can help you sort things out, like how you can improve and come to peace with your relationship with your mother, which needs can be met my someone else in your life, which can partially be met by you for yourself, and which need to be grieved and let go of.

Like you, I've also struggled with the question of what was the point in getting close to a therapist if I can't "keep" her. I think this feeling comes from feeling abandoned many times in the past by people you wanted to be your mother figure, before they had been able to meet the needs you wanted them to meet. Those relationships ended with no closure or resolution, and so they still sting. Therapy has a chance of being different, because you are able to stay until you can actually feel ready to leave- when your feelings about mother figures are mostly resolved and you've gotten what you need to move on in life. For me, I know that although I won't always go to therapy every week, I've developed a trust that I can carry my therapist with me going forward in life, and that she will also carry a part of me.

I've come to realize that different people have different experiences with mothers. A few lucky people get almost everything they need from their biological mother. Many more will have some deficits in their relationship with their mother, but they can make up for those in a relationship with an aunt, teacher, or other figure. Some give up on the concept altogether and try to make the best of it. For myself, I realized that although I once felt like all I had was a legacy of pain and rejection, that really I had managed to piece together a kind of unique history of mother figures in my life. Maybe I didn't get to keep all of my teachers, mentors, etc., but if you add all of them together, I have a group of women in my past and present who have either loved me, believed in me, cared about me, or taught me something valuable. So maybe really I am the daughter of many people, none of whom could be everything to me, but all of whom wanted to do what they could for me. And there will be more in the future, as well. It might not be everyone's experience, but it is mine and I've somehow come to peace with it.

As for learning to trust and be close to your therapist, I think that may be the greater part of the work of therapy for the majority of people. People who already have a healthy capacity for intimacy and trust in relationships seldom need long term therapy as they can work out their other issues relatively quickly.

I hope that helps. And welcome!

Welcome Lucy_G!

I could have written your post too! I know what that scared of getting close feeling is like. I finally let T get inside/get closer the last few sessions. In some way it is helping me to see that I can come out the other side of the pain and uncomfortableness and be ok. I'll be stronger and I will not need her forever. I would love to stay in contact with her in some way until she dies, but I doubt that is possible.

I do the mother figure type thing too with those types of people. I call it my mentor crush. I go through stages of looking up to women that I admire and wish I could be with forever. When I was young it was a famous scientist/researcher. Later on in my life it was one of my professors, my doctor and now my T. All very intelligent and beautiful women.

Lucy! Not much to add. Didn't have a good mother. I have had many step=-in moms over the years, but I don't think the quest for a perfect mom ever stops.

Hi Lucy and welcome

I agree with what others have said; for me I realise more and more what I have missed out on in my life when I see other peoples' realtionships with their mothers or look at how I am with my own children.

starfishy

Hi all

Thank-you for your replies to my post, really helpful and somehow comforting to know im not alone with this issue!

BLT:
Thank-you so much for your post, What you wrote really hit home with me and I felt you really 'got' what i was talking about/how i feel.
So glad that with therapy you have been able to somewhat work through this issue and come to peace with it, this is what I am hoping to do also, as I really am getting tired of searching for mother figures and it take s a lot of my energy which i really should be focusing on finding a partner (not another mother) and one day haveing a family of my own, which i really long for.
If you dont mind me asking, how long have you been in therapy for with this issue?
Thank-you again for taking the time to reply to me really appreciate it.

Blanketgirlw, dragonfly, smiley, starfish:
Thank-you also for your posts, its comforting to know im not alone with this issue, however i am sorry you all also struggle with this.

Starfish: you mention you have children, I worry that when i hopefuly one day have children I will somehow copy how my mother brought me up and pass this horrible yearning for a mother figure on to them, Have you managed to overcome this with your own children?

Athenacus:
Thanks for your reply, it must be really scary for you at the moment with letting go and starting to become close to your therapist, i am also so close to doing this....but its just to damn scary! Like you said i would love to be in contact with my therapist forever...till one of us dies.....but I also know this is highly unlikey!!
I like the term you use 'mentor crush' this is exactly what i do!!

So.............from reading all of your posts, do any of you feel that actually letting go and becoming close to your therapist was the way to heal thhis issue, or did it just make things worse as when you had to leave her it really hurt!!??

Thank-you all again,
Lucy x x x xx x

Lucy, glad you found it helpful what people wrote. I have been in therapy with this issue (and others) for around 10 months now. The first 2-3 months were with a different T, who referred me to someone else when she decided she wasn't right for me. Getting referred obviously was very difficult and probably a major setback in the process for me.

Another thing to mention here, if you're worried about getting attached, is to ask your therapist about her views on attachment and dependency in therapy. Unfortunately there are T's out there who do not understand these things and how to handle them. If you have a T who realizes that attachment and dependency are a natural part of therapy, and yet also understands that they can be difficult for the client, I think you are in good hands.

((Lucy)) I'm in the midst of this right now, too, and it's quite a dilemma to face. I'm also around your age and my T is only a few years older than my actual mother, so that mother figure thing has been kind of an unspoken factor since day one. But it's taken me literally years to finally give in, at least a little bit, to that attachment and dependency. It hasn't been easy it all, and I don't know how things will end up, but past experiences with my T tell me that maybe it could actually be okay. I almost feel like I have two choices: I either give in and feel the attachment to my therapist, who I am coming to truly trust, or I quit and go back to the way I was before when I kept everyone at arm's length. Because I now know, for the most part, that I can trust that my T is a safe person to explore this with (of course, I'm going through a small crisis right now with that), which is something that I don't think I'd ever completely experience with another person.

Anyway, I don't know if any of that is helpful or resonates with you, but I just generally wanted to let you know that I get this dilemma you're dealing with right now, and I wish there were an easy answer to it!

Lucy G

I found this thread because Becca was asking about it on another thread. I have looked for a father mentor more than a mother mentor. Sometimes I have found mother mentor's but generally have felt safer with men.

You got great advice. I think checking with your T is a great idea. When I expressed worry about the relationship ending, my T told me I can stay as long as I want to. That fear has cropped up at different points when I've gotten scared of getting close and of losing him but we chip away at it each time and it does lessen over time.

Now I've just accepted that the relationship is a permanent part of my life until it's not - at which point my T and I are both hoping I will be ready.

What BLT wrote here was really touching:

quote:

that really I had managed to piece together a kind of unique history of mother figures in my life. Maybe I didn't get to keep all of my teachers, mentors, etc., but if you add all of them together, I have a group of women in my past and present who have either loved me, believed in me, cared about me, or taught me something valuable.

It sounds to me like a patch-work quilt of love and that, really, is quite beautiful. Who said, after all, that love has to come only from one person?

Hi all again Thanks for yur replies,

Had a bit of a set back (see other post- 'Ouch') basically out of the blue my T has suggessted i see her once every 2weeks, instead of weekly!!! That really hurt! and as I was just beginning to 'trust' and starting to think about allowing myself to be dependant, sure glad i didnt totally go with this, although I am already quite attached to her

BLT- Yeh I can imagine being referred to another T is quite stressful, I have been throught this too, my previous T after 10months had to leave for 'personal reasons' and so had 1 more session with her and that was that....that hurt too!! Although I do understand why she had to leave, i still didnt want her to Selfish I know!

As for your suggession of asking her about attachment/dependancy- Its a great idea and I would love to know her answer.....but as per usual am to scared to ask that!!! Scared of what she might think/say

Kashley- Thanks for your reply, So pleased for you that you have found what sounds like a really trusting T and wel-done on giving in to the attachment, even a little bit-Very brave! Your reasoning for this is spot on though- like you say you either give in and experience this with a generally safe person or stay/go back to the way you were. Really hope it all works out for you, let me know how it goes, id be really interested to here

Liese- Thanks for posting, Its really great that your T tells you he's there for as long as you need him, I cant quite trust this yet- have to many what ifs...... blah blah haha!
I also loved the patch work quilt of love idea that BLT and you have written about, just wish i could accept this and stop looking for THE ONE hahahaha!

I guess my therapy has gone massively backward now as i dont feel i can trust her to be there and to understand me anymore (see previous post) so glad I didnt give in too much to the dependancy id be a wreck right now....good old defence mechanisms saved me again..for now anyway

Thanks Lucy