I had a really tough time between sessions this past week. I saw my T on Wed and then saw her today as I typically go M,W. Anyway, I knew going into today's session that I was feeling very disorganized, mixed up, varying emotions etc. I was afraid that I would go into my session and clam up and not be able to talk or throw up my defensive barriers and keep T out. Exactly the opposite of what I felt I needed. I had a strong sense going into this session that I really needed to connect with her and have her sit with me to stay connected. I promised myself (and others inside) that I would ask T to sit with me if I sensed shutting down because I knew that a disruption with T (even if self-inflicted) would be devastating right now.

Well, guess what? I did it! I asked for what I needed. I was feeling scattered and it was hard to talk. T asked how I had been and I started to tear up. She noticed this right away and asked what was going on. I just shrugged and said, "I don't know". So, I stopped myself and me, Miss Independent (I don't need anybody!!) said, "This is going to sound weird coming from me, but could you please sit with me?" So, she came and sat with me. She asked why I felt like I needed that (not in a judging sort of way, but in a how can I help way) and I said that I was feeling really mixed up and I just needed to stay connected. So, we sat together and slowly teased out the issues that were causing such upset and dysregulation. So, as we were talking, one of my little parts started talking to T and was getting more and more upset. T has held this part many times, but typically that happens after T suggests it and she agrees. She has never asked T directly to hold her. However, today she did! T was already holding her hand and then asked if there was anything else that she could do to help and this little part said the words, "Can you hold me?" T said yes (of course) and she held her while she cried. T asked her if she just needed someone to hold her while she thought about the bad stuff from the past and cried and she said yes.

So, I am just really happy that I managed to ask for what I needed and followed those feelings instead of shutting down and causing a disruption with me and T. Of course, I was pretty confident that T would say yes so it wasn't a huge risk, but in the past I would have sat there knowing that was what I needed, but painfully ignoring it and end up feeling worse. I didn't do that this time and it felt good that I didn't.

Wow, STRM, that is so incredible. It is SO hard to ask for what you need, and it's so great that you were able to do that and get what you wanted and needed. No matter how positive I am of whatever answer I'm going to get, I'm always so scared to ask for something. Even if I'm sure the other person will say yes.

I think that this past week my T decided to test me a little bit to ask for what I need. I'm pretty suggestible and will go along with whatever someone else says so that I'm not a problem/hassle. My T said that she was pretty booked next week (which is now this week), so we could meet in 10 days. And I was standing there thinking "please, please, please don't make me ask!" But I did end up asking if we could meet in a week, to which she actually thanked me and fit me into her schedule. When I said that I could wait if it was more convenient for her, she dismissed what I said and told me that it wouldn't be a problem. I've been thinking about it, and I'm not sure if I was more scared of being told "no, we can't meet next week," or if she would think I was too needy or something.

I'm so happy for you, STRM, that you got what you really needed...it's so daunting to ask, so I admire you for that!

quote:

Originally posted by scaredtoriskmyself:
I knew going into today's session that I was feeling very disorganized, mixed up, varying emotions etc. I was afraid that I would go into my session and clam up and not be able to talk or throw up my defensive barriers and keep T out. Exactly the opposite of what I felt I needed. I had a strong sense going into this session that I really needed to connect with her and have her sit with me to stay connected.

That feeling of disorganization and confusion is so icky. I know that when I don't know what I need and can't articulate much is when disconnect feels strongest. It is really great that you recognized what you needed and were able to ask for it. As difficult as it is to do, the feeling when you take a risk in session and have it be met with total acceptance is indescribable. And being held sounds so healing. So happy for all of you.

quote:

STRM, do you feel that more healing has come from this aspect of therapy than the cerebral stuff? Do you experience it as YOU being held...or your little ones trapped in the past?
Do you ever get embarrassed?

Monte,

What a brave email that you sent your T. His response was perfect. I can relate to the feelings of disbelief. It is such a foreign feeling to have someone say that they will be there for you in that way when it is something that was never experienced in the past. I know that I had that feeling, especially after the first time my T held the little parts. It was like it was a fluke and would be taken away.

In answer to your questions, yes I feel that more healing has come from this type of work than the cerebral stuff. It is all important, but for the little ones who are struggling and often feel as if they are in the past and reliving a memory it has been invaluable to have T be able to "reach into the past" and scoop them up and hold them and comfort them. Nobody was there in the past to do that and it has really helped to shift some of those memories for them. It has also helped them to feel more safe in the present and safe with T and this has allowed them to open up more with her. Typically, I experience it as the little one being held, but I can see it happening. Sometimes I can feel the intensity of their emotions and the feelings in their heart that they have for our T. Typically though, it feels like T is sitting with the little part in the location where the assualt happened and she has come in and is holding them and helping them to be safe and bring them into the present.

Sometimes I get embarrassed, but not usually. I think this is a function of the dramatic split that occurs in DID though. It's not me that is being held. It is them and they are little so it is ok. Now today, I (adult) asked for T to sit with me and I was a bit embarrassed that I needed that and asked for it. Sometimes when I come back up front and T is still holding ME then it feels odd and sort of like...how the heck did this happen??? We usually separate fairly quickly after I come back, but today I sat with her a bit longer holding her hand. Us adults need comfort too!

The male vs female issue would be hard. I would have such a hard time going there with a male T. Each has it's own issues. For me, the closeness with the female T triggers mother issues and I could imagine that having a male T that close would trigger father issues and fears about being hurt physically. I fear being hurt by my female T, but it is all emotional hurt and not physical hurt.

Oh and the littles have NEVER asked to be held until today. T usually asks if they feel comfortable saying what they need when she can tell that is what they need, but they usually say they can't say and then she offers ideas and they say yes or no. Today though, I nudged them from the inside to speak up and ask (knowing she would say yes). Hopefully they will start to be able to ask for what they need now.

Thanks Kashley. Good for you for stating what you needed and I'm so glad that your T was able to give you what you needed. It is SO hard to state our needs and I think it is because our needs were failed so many times in childhood that it just seems pointless to ask.

I'm happy that you asked and your needs were met!

Seablue: Thank you. Yes, that feeling is so icky! I just knew I couldn't handle a bigger disconnect. It would have sent me over the edge so it was take a risk or feel even worse. Thank you for your support and understanding!

STRM that is brilliant! Asking for what you need strikes me as one of the biggest fears in therapy so it’s great that you found the courage to do that.

Ok maybe you were pretty sure your T would be ok with it, but the ingrained fears about it don’t acknowledge rationality very easily! I related so well to the idea of the fear being of being told ‘no’ (ack bad sentence!) - I’ve never seen it so clearly in me as now when I’m ‘testing out’ new Ts - I’d rather pussy foot around and talk about potential scenarios in a detached ‘this is purely academic’ way - because I know that if I got a no to something I’m openly asking for that would almost totally destroy whatever trust I’m trying to invest in a T - being cagey about it allows me to anticipate what the answer is likely to be and keep trust alive while turning intellectual somersaults to rationalize that potential ‘no’.

The more I read other people’s experiences on this forum and apply them to my situation, the more I realize that what you are saying about more healing coming from this emotional connecting work than cerebral stuff is SO true for me. This comment by you:

quote:

T asked her if she just needed someone to hold her while she thought about the bad stuff from the past and cried and she said yes.

Reading that was like a light going on in my head - you’ve put into words the very thing I seem to be trying to achieve in therapy - that I’m desperate to just get in touch with the feelings and all the time I’m being asked/expected to put everything into words and even then I’m not given the chance to just go with the feeling but am expected to explain it, understand where it’s coming from and the thing that REALLY gets up my nose, have to talk about and listen to endless generic explanations about what it all might mean. And all the time I just want to do what your T suggested to your little one - let me remember inside my own head the things locked away in there and feel whatever it makes me feel without having to constantly verbalize it. I’m finding that words are rapidly becoming my enemy! Plenty of time for ‘processing’ AFTER having expressed the feeling.

I’m so glad for you that you were able to do that, and actually get exactly what you wanted and needed. Yay!

And Monte, I’ve been meaning to tell you how pleased I am for your breakthrough with your T - it sounds as if you have finally stepped into a therapy that is really going to help you now. Good one

LL

LL: That makes so much sense. I truly hope that you find a T that is willing to be what you need in order to heal. It is such a relief for me and for the little parts to just be held and feel whatever we are feeling. I know from what you describe that it would be so helpful for you as well. How is the T hunt going? Did you make any decisions about T1 vs T2 yet?

DF: Yay!!! You got your rock! I'm so excited for you!! Did you ask Faith for one? What does your rock look like? My little parts have been so comforted by our rock. Our T asked one of the littles what hand she holds the rock in and then placed her hand in the littles hand. She told her that now when she holds the rock she will have T's hand. So now when we hold the rock and it gets warm it feels like we are holding T's hand. So helpful! What you describe about your experience with being held and making a new memory with the old one is exactly what I experience. It is definitely more healing than just talking about it.

This was wonderful to read about, STRM! So brave of you to step out like that and ask for what you need...and how healing to receive it. I'm so glad you didn't ignore it this time. And I totally agree that it's experiences like these that get past all that cerebral stuff and go right to the heart of the matter. Thank you for sharing this!

And congratulations Kashley on speaking up and getting that appointment...I've been in that spot where something gets assumed or passed over, and it's an awful feeling, being too scared to say anything, and then so unhappy afterward with what happened. I'm so pleased you didn't let that go by...and also happy for you that your T responded with giving you the appointment after all.

And Draggers...so happy to hear you got your rock!! Woo-hoo!

Party in the Psych Cafe woods...

SG

Party indeed!!

I'm off to T again. Hoping that I can ask for what I need again instead of shutting down. I'm feeling very vulnerable today. Ick!

STRM
I hope today went ok for you, it's sometimes just as hard to go back after the previous session went well...so much expectation hangimg around maybe. Bit late coming to this thread but STRM I was so thrilled that you were able to ask your T for what you needed and that she responded as she did Fab!!

And DF - You kept so quiet about that rock!!! How brave to ask and how wonderful that you have something that might help you all. Yea!!

You guys are so inspiring,

starfish

STRM- I think it's so awesome you did this the first time...and so you know- you can do it again, even though feeling so vulnerable! It is very hard to feel vulnerable isn't it?

I think of your name, Scared to Risk Myself... and yet you do that very thing, Risk Yourself two and three times a week, and you can do again! And you will find it healing, slowly over time...again and again. We will be cheering for you! Please let us know how it turns out!

((((STRM)))))

BB

Hey...wait a second...did I just read that DF got her rock? woo hoo! You just slipped that in there so I almost missed it...! That is so sweet...Was it a real rock or something else? Oh, I'm sorry I don't want to bug you, DF, but I am excited for you. (tell us tell us, tell us) ok, Won't bug. (tell us tell us tell us) Stop it BB, don't bug her! Ok, I'm going now. Hug, DF, Hug STRM.

BB

Thank you BB and Starfish.

Well, I'm back. Not sure how much I remember. I told T that I was feeling similar to Monday and that I was covering up pretty well for how badly I was feeling. It appears that several parts of a particular memory are integrating together and that is very overwhelming as I feel the emotions, body stuff, see it etc. all at once rather than just one aspect at a time.

Anyway, I know that we started to talk about it and I started to get really anxious and still. I remember focusing on body stuff (heart rate, breathing etc.) and then hearing another part (child part) say, "I don't want to...I don't want to" and then the next thing that I remember is "waking up" in T's arms with her hugging me and all snuggled up with her. That is always a bit odd for me since I tend to not be very touchy/lovey and it feels odd. However, I'm getting used to it and my T is great about it so I never feel embarrassed or anything. T told me to check a mirror because we messed up my hair. It was a mess! I had her shirt print on my face and my hair was a disaster! We both joked that we could just stay like we were and take a nap together. I'm sure my little parts would love that. I might too if I'd be willing to give it a try, but alas time is an element so neither of us could take a nap!

Now I just feel very tired and still nauseous. Hoping that I can make it until Monday when I see her again.

Thank you Dragonfly.

I had to laugh when you said Faith read the forum and gave you the rock. Since you said in that other thread, "Hey Faith, I want a rock!!!!" So funny. I am not sure how I would feel about my T reading my posts here. It's not like I put anything out here that she doesn't know, but it still might be weird. She says she doesn't read forums like these in order to respect the privacy of her clients. Hopefully she means that and I'm sure she does.

quote:

Originally posted by dragonfly:
well, if you dont ask you dont get!!!!!!!
shall i try for something else?!!!!!!
Hey faith pleeeeeeeeeeeeease could i have that lovely blue comfy looking cardi you wear when its chilly.....ohhhhhh f.k it.....could i just have you

Thanks for the laugh. I'm cracking up here! Yes, I still say that we could just clone them and have them all of the time. I'm sure some days they wish they could be cloned!