Sorry I've been such a downer here lately. I just can't seem to get it together.

It's been a hard weekend and I'm trying to make it until T tomorrow. Well, this evening I'm having a really hard time and I really need to call T, but I didn't and I won't. Why? Because I'm afraid to call her because of the last time that she didn't answer when I called in crisis. Well, that was the only time in a year that I called her cell, but it was like being kicked in the stomach while I was already lying on the ground, ya know? I feel like I'm being way too hard on T by not calling her now when I need to. She completely took responsibility for that, she is nearly always there for me, she is wonderful and yet I can't bring myself to take that risk right now. She has been there for me so much, especially this past week and yet I can't seem to let myself trust that she will be there now. I am already in such a bad place that it feels like if she were to not answer or not call me back that I would just completely fall apart.

So, I feel like I'm caught in the this undertow from the EMDR. I've had a headache since the middle of it and now I keep going back and forth between crying and feeling this undercurrent of an imminent need to flee something. It makes me feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin.

It's been one of those days where I just don't even seem to understand life. It's like nothing makes sense, this can't possibly be all there is and why the f*ck do I have to deal with all of this anyway? Sorry, I'm just in a mood.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: scaredtoriskmyself,

No need to apologize STRM. We all get in those dark places at times and gosh knows I've been in one myself lately. I had no idea you were struggling like this and I'm so glad you told us here. I want to thank you for taking time to post to me while you were suffering yourself. That was incredibly generous of you.

Again, I can not only hear how you feel but I can "feel" how you feel about reaching out to make contact with T. I'm probably not the best person to advise you on this because I have been longing for some connection with my T all weekend but will not dare to reach out since our painful and upsetting sessions last week, which was probably the result of an email. But I will tell you what my T did once tell me... that he'd rather I reach out to him than sit with my anxiety and suffer alone, especially if talking to him could help me. At this point not sure if my T meant it but I'm sure your T would like you to reach out to her. I think she understands why you need the contact and also... just because it did not work out the first time does not mean it will fail this time. You may end up with a totally different experience and it will alleviate so much suffering for you too. I know it's a risk but we are here to support you if on the very very slim chance it does not work out for you. I don't know much about EMDR but I do know it has some after-effects and you need that safe place (your T) to process that even if it's days after you tackle the tramatic memory. I think she would want you to let her know you are struggling. As an EMDR T she gets it.

I hope that somehow helped you and please let us know if there is anything else we can do.

Hugs
TN

Thank you so much TN. Your support in the midst of all you are going through means so much.

The thing is, I know my T would be there for me if I called her. I know that she doesn't want me to "tough it out" as she says. She told me two different times (once to me and once to Little Kate) to call her if I needed to over the weekend. I just can't seem to get past whatever this wall is to do it which just makes me feel even worse.

I've been writing to her all weekend which I will fax late tonight so she will be aware of how the weekend went before I arrive for my session tomorrow. That way she won't be surprised if I get there and start to fall apart like I did last week.

Right now, I'm off to a friends house for a local celebration. I really don't feel like going, but I'm hoping it will be a good distraction.

Thanks again.

STRM

You really haven't been a downer at all - far from it, I was really amazed how you are still able to post and keep up with dealing with your stuff and everybody elses' stuff in the midst of doing such difficult work. For me I think it would be almost impossible.

I can understand you reasons for wanting to call and your reasons for not wanting to, and I think it is the conlict of those two really strong desires that feels so hard. Your T has said to call if you need, you have a real genuine need that you know could be helped by someone who understands you and your situation in a way that nobody else can....YET the urge to remain self sufficient is stronger, yes? The fear of the call not being answered/you not being helped by it/feeling needy etc etc is really not worth taking the risk for. STRMS I have been there and it's a tough one. Like you I don't call, but there have been times when I knew I should have.

I haven't had EMDR but can imagine the fallout must be a tough one, as you start to understand, reprocess and come to terms with the enormity of what you've uncovered. No wonder you want to flee, you have remembered something so terrible that everything inside you will cry out to run away from it. The only trouble is that fleeing is not the answer (this from a regular flee-er in difficult times), in the end you have to stop and face up to what you are fleeing from, and that is the hard bit STRMS, and seems to be the bit that you are doing now, that is so painful.

quote:

It's been one of those days where I just don't even seem to understand life. It's like nothing makes sense, this can't possibly be all there is and why the f*ck do I have to deal with all of this anyway?

Ooooh ((((STRMS)))) I am so sorry, life is cruel sometimes, I am sorry that you have to go through this. I wish there was an easier way for you, but your T sounds good and is so gently and carefully taking you forwards.

I am glad in a way, you can be angry about what happened to you and the legacy it has left you, I have not ever felt any anger for what happened to me, as that feels way too scary, but am learning that I can feel anger for others' hurts - and am angry that you should be having to go through all this right now.

I will think about you as you see your T today and hope that she will be able to give you the support you need right now.

starfish

STRM,
Thinking of you and hoping you find comfort in your session today.

quote:

I was really amazed how you are still able to post and keep up with dealing with your stuff and everybody elses' stuff in the midst of doing such difficult work. For me I think it would be almost impossible.

Ahhh, that is the beauty of DID. It allows me to function like nothing is wrong to the outside world. It isn't like it works long term, but I can shift enough to do short tasks and get things done.

What you describe pretty much hit it dead on. I just hate the push/pull. Thank you so much for your support. It means so much. I understand about the anger and difficulty feeling it. I don't feel it much about the past as much as about the present and that the past is messing up my present!

Seablue: Thank you so much.

STRMS

Can I ask how it went today? Were you able to say a little of how it's been? Do you feel any tiny bit easier today? I really hope so...don't answer of course if you can't or it's too difficult.

starfish

quote:

Originally posted by starfish:
STRMS

Can I ask how it went today? Were you able to say a little of how it's been? Do you feel any tiny bit easier today? I really hope so...don't answer of course if you can't or it's too difficult.

starfish

I'd be happy to answer, but I haven't been yet. I go at 2:30 central time on M & W. Thanks for asking. I'll update later this evening.

quote:

I don't feel it much about the past as much as about the present and that the past is messing up my present!

STRM,
Man do I know that feeling! I can get so angry, if not enraged, that my past can still so effect me in the here and now, I'm sorry you're experiencing that but I do feel like you're totally justified in your anger. Healing from this stuff is having to clean up a horrible mess of someone else's making. It really isn't fair.

I'm sorry that things got so difficult again, thanks for letting us know. I'll be thinking of you today and I hope your appt goes well.

AG

Oh sorry am a bit previous!!! It's cos it's evening here

Well, well done for getting through so far and all legs crossed for you STRM and huge encouraging hug for later on.

starfish

STRM I’m so sorry you’re caught up in this needing to call T but being too frightened of a repetition of last time to do so. I relate to that fear only too well - never mind that my rational self says ‘but it will be ok T said to do it’ the rest of me (which is by far the stronger bigger part of me lol) says ‘like hell - not worth the risk of being rejected or negated or treated as if I’m doing something wrong - read: being needy’ because I know for me it’s less of anguish to sit with the need than it is to have all chance of that need being met irrevocably lost (by which I mean my trust would be totally blown out the water if T didn’t respond ‘properly’).

Anyway by now you will have seen her so I really hope you are feeling better and getting a sense of things being marginally more comprehensible than they have been since the EMDR.

I too, like Starfish, am wondering how your session went - hope you feel ok enough to post about it. Hugs to you STRM.

LL

Hi STRM, have been reading your posts and thinking of you (((STRM))) hope you are okay..mlc

Thanks to everyone who offered support. I really appreciate it.

*may trigger, mild discussion of memory and processing in session*

I am back from my session. It was intense. First off, I have a 35 minute drive to T's office. I am seriously triggered by thunderstorms as I was frequently abused during thunderstorms. So, I was driving and this nasty storm pops up where it is raining so hard that I can't see, lightning and very loud thunder and blowing tree limbs etc. I thought I was going to blow off the road. In the midst of trying to keep the car on the road, I'm seeing images from the past and having body memories. Luckily, I made it to T in one piece! I got out of my car early because it was still storming and I figured that I'd be less triggered in her waiting room (nobody else is ever there) than I would be in my car. She could tell that I was upset and asked if there was anything she could do while she finished up some last minute business.

She took me in her office a few minutes early and I was already highly activated and shaking. So, we went straight to work and started in with tracking the sensations in my body and what was going on. I had that same feeling from last night where I felt like I needed to flee something, had body memories etc. I couldn't tell her why I felt that way other than some images that kept popping up here and there. We continued to track things in my body and then the body pain got much worse and images more concrete. I ended up switching back and forth between me and the little one that T has been working with (Kate) and suddenly the images went from me seeing it happen to her to happening to me. T asked her to stand up and when we did then suddenly I was aware that I was grown up and yet the past abuse was happening to me although I knew I was in the present, but felt like I was being hurt. T was literally helping to hold me up and she had me walk a bit and turn away from the feeling and follow my body. When I did that turn, suddenly I felt small again and dropped to the floor. The only thing I remember next is hearing Little Kate saying things like, "no, no, no" and "stop it, stop hurting me" and she was crying really hard. She pushed the couch away and was pounding her hands off and on. T encourages me/her to do whatever I needed or wanted to do back then, but was not able to do. It was intense and it was really hard for me to not come back out front and shut that off. T sat right with her in the floor, held her, rocked her, reminded her it was the present and she was safe now.

It was a very intense session, but very helpful. The reason that I am posting more details here is to give a perspective of how things work with a T that uses a body centered approach. I'm not saying that it is the only way to work or the right way for everyone, but I always find it interesting to read how others' sessions go.

I have a headache, but the terrible anxiety is gone and I'm not having any intrusive images right now. I see T again Wed.

((((STRM))))) and ((((Kate)))))

Thank you for sharing about that. I am so very glad that you have a therapist who knows what to do and can stay with you through that. It is heartbreaking to hear even that little piece of what you went through, I am sorry for what happened to you and the pain you bear because of it. I wish there were some way to make it not have happened. I have such deep respect for your courage in facing this and doing this work to heal and I look forward to seeing your healing unfold.

AG

STRM.. you are amazing and courageous to not only face what you did but to come here and share this with us. I am so glad your T stays right there with you and is able to help you process the trauma and keep you all safe. I'm so terribly sorry you have to go through this and that you were hurt so badly in the past. Your courage is truly an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing this.

((((STRM))))) ((((Littles)))))

TN