quote:
You don't have to imagine it right now. All you have to do is take the first step. You start by going and numbly talking about what happened. You stay distant. You eventually find someone you can work with long term, by examining their consistency, knowledge, and integrity. You just keep going, keep numbly talking about it. With support, you rebuild the rest of your life. Years down the road, if it is deserved, trust will happen. And no, no T is fail-proof. You will hate them for not being your old one, and they will make mistakes, but if they are good enough and you stick with it, things will get better.
Cipher... that is exactly it. BLT said it perfectly.
As for your question about my T and I. We did work through his wife being in the next office. In over a year since she has had her nameplate on that door I have NEVER seen her. My T said he would protect me and he has. I don't know what went on behind the scenes and I don't want to know but I realize he is true to his work and he has looked out for me. So as time went on the anxiety and fear went away as I realized this would not be a replay of what happened with oldT and HIS wife.
AS for the other questions.... if you are up to it you can read my three threads in this forum, Talking about Love, Talking about Love Part II and The Letter.
This is part of what I wrote:
"Lastly, I would like to write him a letter for Christmas telling him how I feel about him. It's my gift to him for Christmas. I feel so good about our relationship lately. He has been so good to me, so kind and supportive. Yes, the work is hard and painful and I don't always like it, but it's really quite a miracle that after what oldT did to me, how badly he traumatized me.... that I could eventually with a lot of work come to not only trust a T again but also come to love him."
And this...
"Actually, the more I reflect on our relationship the move I am convinced that my T does love me. That is scary to write or think about. And part of me thinks I'm imagining this and it cannot be true. Yet, he says he is attached to me and then he says attachment is love. He says he cares about me, respects me, thinks I'm smart and have done amazing things in my life. He also told me once, "you are lucky that I adore you" when I made him crazy about some line of reasoning I was trying to make him follow. He does all kinds of things that show real deep caring like giving me his dragon that he had for over 20 years, sitting on the floor with me, reading to me, celebrating with me, and going through all kinds of gyrations to give me that last, closing session with oldT. I know he never did that before and he was even a bit unsure that it was the right thing. But because I wanted/needed it so badly he arranged it, even moving another client's session so we could have 2 hours. Should I chose to ignore all of these things and more so I can deny that he is showing me real love? I think right now I am able to accept that love and care and to believe it."
Cipher... I pasted these quotes not to upset you further or give you any pain... but to let you know that it is quite possible to trust and love another T, if they earn and deserve your love and trust. I would have never believed this was possible. But I do love my T. When I think about it it seems like a true miracle. The key is to find that right T for you. Someone with outside contact, yet with very good boundaries around it and who does not want to be your "friend" but keeps it all about you and does not hold out a promise of something that they cannot fulfill.
When I was abandoned I could not see any hope. I was lost in the darkness. My dear friend told me if I could not hope then she would just hope for me until I could do it myself. I could not believe I would ever trust or care for another T, yet when I met this T (after interviewing and seeing 4 others first) my friend told me he was a keeper and that she believed I would come to trust him and attach to him. She was right but it takes a long time and a lot of patience to get there.
In the end you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually you see that you have traveled pretty far down this new road and things begin to feel easier and you develop a new rapport with your new T.
BTW, as for going back.... I used to tell my current T that I would walk through fire and crawl on broken glass to get back to oldT so I do understand the pull. But it would be unhealthy to go back for you unless it was a termination session for closure. I would never go back to oldT. I am in a much better place now.
If I can do anything to help you, please let me know.
Hugs
TN
TN