Hi all;

I know we've had threads before about hugs in therapy but I had a situation today and wanted some objective opinions please.

I told my therapist today that a couple of days ago I felt a need to touch him, then I told him that need had passed but I felt embarrassed about it (in reality it hasn't quite passed.)

All I want to do is touch his shoulder, I don't want to tackle him or anything (lol) and he told me it was normal to feel this way, asked me why I wanted to do that, etc...I told him I just wanted some kind of connection, something tactile to keep me grounded.

So at the end of the session we got up, and we walked towards the door. He usually just opens the door and sends me on my way but today he stopped, looked me in the eye and said "If there's anything I can do to make you feel more physically comfortable here I'm willing to do that."

I wasn't sure how to take that, so I just said "Umm...are you going to open the door for me?" He replied as he opened the door, "Yes I am, because I'm a gentleman," and smiled.

Do you think I could take his comments to mean that it would be OK if I touched his shoulder? I'm anxious to see any of your reactions, because I can't be objective here.

I've never been good with the physical contact thing, but it sounds like he wouldn't mind. My T will ask if she can give me a hug if it seems like amoment of need. I will do the same (mostly never) but have.

I don’t know about that comment. I would be confused if my T said that too me. Maybe he did mean that you could touch him. I don’t know if you (or I) will be able to guess what he meant without you asking him.

I’ve never asked if I can touch/hug my T, I don’t think I would ever want to touch him.

I have noticed that for the past month at the end of our sessions when we both stand up he has come closer to me and almost seemed like he wanted to touch me. Especially last Tuesday, it was kind of weird because I felt like he didn’t want me to leave. He came closer to me when we stood up, and he sort of extended his hand then put it down quickly. Then when he opened the door for me I could tell that he was standing closer to me. It felt very weird and I was almost scared that he might actually reach out and touch me. I was thinking I would talk to him about it next week. So that’s all the close/physical contact we have had.

i dunno, he is probably properly contained and all but that woulda freaked me out and i woulda been outta there faster than a cat!!!

i don't think i would get the necessary enjoyment and connection out of a 'paid' hug, so i have never wanted one. my t asked me early on and i said, maybe next time. seems she kindof offered non-verbally the other day, i dunno, i keep my distance.

whatsleftofhim...how do you think it would have felt? do you think it would be restorative? or confusing??

@jill---

I would still like something fairly innocuous like just touching his shoulder/arm or something, I don't necessarily know about an actual "hug." We've got major parental transference going on. I want the touch, but whether it would be a good thing, I don't know. It's just important for me to know he'd be ok with it, I think that would be comfort enough for me.

WLOH

That was so nice of him to say that to you at the end of the session. These are the things I love the most - when the therapist does something like this, shows that he cares.

I imagine it must have been also very confusing, because it's hard to know what actually you can ask about. I think he could have even given you a hug if you asked.
I think it was a message that you can ask for a touch. His reply about being a gentleman was a quite funny. Of course I don't know him and I don't know what was the tone of his voice. If my T would say something like that I would laugh at him and said "Yeah, right", but my T is quite young and I can't imagine him calling himself a gentleman.
I'd say it should be ok, to ask him again about the touch, or maybe even a hug. It is so important and so precious.
My T would touch me every single session, just before I leave. It's something I am taking with me every time I see him.

I would've kissed him.

Just kidding!

Sounds like he was offering a hug without actually offering a hug. I think if you had said, "Can I have a hug?" he would have said yes. But I don't think they're "supposed to" offer hugs unless we ask.

My ex-P did something similar a few times. He stood up, and instead of walking to the door and opening it like usual, he just stood in front of me grinning and shrugged his shoulders with his palms facing up. I panicked and stepped around him and opened the door myself. It was only later that I realized he was "offering" a hug if I wanted it. I wish I had gone for it.

LOL @ echo...and I'm sad you missed your hug chance

Well he is very cute. I was physically attracted to him at first, but as I've gotten to know him that has gone away. I think because I've shut everyone out of my life I'm craving some kind of touch...who knows. He just called me to let me know I'd left something behind, and I almost asked him to qualify what he said, but didn't. Hopefully I can get the courage to do so on Tuesday.

Thanks everyone for the responses, I really couldn't get my head around this and you all really helped.

Hey WLOH,

I just wanted to comment on how I interpreted your T's comment, though it also really depends on the inflection in his voice when he said it. When he told you that he would open the door for you because he is a gentleman, I took that as differentiating between doing something as a gentleman and as your therapist. A gentleman would open the door, but a caring T would give you something that you asked for that he knew you wanted and needed. I could be completely off the mark, but that's how it struck me at first glance.

Your T sounds great, very open and willing. And as DF said, it's great to see you posting.

Deal, UV. Gotta get up that courage.

And my apologies to everyone for not being around so much, I've been anti-social.

safe hugs,
WLOH

Hey, WLOH- good to see you. After that session, I would have interpreted the words "if there is anything I can do to make you more physically comfortable..." as, it's ok to touch me. But I don't know for sure. I guess you could ask him.

I would love to touch my T. That would be amazing, to feel, he is a real person, not imaginary. If I could do it, I would grab the chance. I only see my T on computer, so I say, grab the chance. I would say, go for it . I doubt he would freak if you touched his shoulder. I doubt it very much, in fact.

BB

So I didn't ask him what he meant when I had my session today. Honestly I had no desire to touch him. He was pissed off at me anyway for leaving him a voicemail over the weekend. (how DARE I call my therapist!)

As a result it was an unproductive session. Then he reiterated at the end how I shouldn't call him this weekend because he'll be away and not checking his messages. He's so moody. I only called the office phone and left a message, it's not like I have his mobile or something. I don't see what the big deal is but, whatever.

WLOH

WLOH,

It's good to see you posting! I think his statement could be taken in a number of ways. It could have meant that if you asked that he would be willing to have some sort of physical contact. It could also be that he was asking if there was anything he could offer or change about the office environment to make you more physically comfortable (i.e. a blanket, pillow etc.).

As far as your session today and him being upset that you left a message on the office voice mail, I'm confused by that. I guess I am missing what the big deal is as well. It depends on the context of the message I suppose. I mean (this is totally just an example) if you called the office phone in crisis and saying you might hurt yourself then I could see where he might be upset because it was the weekend and that message system probably isn't the best for crisis on a weekend. Barring that, I don't see what the problem is. Did you ask him if he was mad or did you tell you he was? I know I sometimes read more into my T's mood than I should and often feel it's about me when sometimes it really isn't at all. Perhaps he was just in a bad mood.

Jill: You said: "i don't think i would get the necessary enjoyment and connection out of a 'paid' hug," I have to say that I have never felt like the physical comforting that I have received from my T is anything but genuine. Yes, I happen to be paying her, but I'm paying for her time. I honestly don't think that I have to pay her to care, I think she just does. I might be naive, but it has never felt like it was anything but heartfelt caring. It has been extremely healing and comforting, especially for the younger parts to have that safe physical touch and comfort.

Hi WLOH,

Sorry to hear about your unproductive session...I hate it when those happen. I have to agree with PG (welcome to the forums BTW! ), that your T's manner about the VM seems like quite a switch. I can't imagine how you could possibly feel comfortable asking for physical contact when he gets "pissed" about one VM. Did you (or could you) ask him why he was so angry about that? Also, I thought the way he said he was willing to "make you more physically comfortable" sounded a bit awkward and somewhat vague...I wouldn't have known how to take that, either. My overall impression from what you've said is that he seems really unsure about how to handle the boundaries, like he wants to offer more, but is struggling with something...I am sorry, WLOH, this sounds really confusing to me.

SG

I would have taken his offering as it's ok to touch him. Surprised at his being so upset about VM. I sent my T an email one night when I felt like I was overdosing. He got it a day later. Can you imagine how he felt? Wondering if his patient was dead and could have done something about it if he had been home to read his emails. Not cool on my part and he has never let me forget it. He never acted mad about it, just concerned. I would ask him why he got mad about leaving a message.