wow thats awesome you can relate.. Although I am very sorry for the fact that you have to deal with the pain. I also feel like I was more focused on helping my mom to feel strong and happy than focusing on my own emotional needs. She never seemed to be able to comfort me when I needed. Now I fear I will do the same to my son and it scares the heck out of me!!

quote:

I welcome and even crave some insight, but I am also afraid of it. If that makes sense. I worry about my suggestibility as does my T. I want to learn more about what is going on with me but I want to make sure that I stay authentic in my experience. So please keep that in mind with what you post to me.

Hi JM....

Yes...I totally understand and that is why I have not jumped in too hastily. I do not want to complicate your perception of your own process. I know how frightening this process can be, so I certainly do not want to compound your fears. The pacing of your process at this point is very important...and listening to your T is the best way to keep that under control.

quote:

My T said "This is not crazy like you think it is" and I didn't even say it yet.

I had a personal reaction to this statement...wondering how crazy you really think I am? My problems do not really "present" as crazy. It sounds alot more crazy than it looks, because you hear about it from my point of view. Most of the people in my life do not know about my dx, and I prefer it that way. With that said...I had a reaction to my first diagram and for quite some time denied that it could be true. It all sounded too crazy.
What I discovered is that my dx is not like the Hollywood stereotype. It is, for the most part, a "hidden" disorder. It is created in secrecy and the only way the system can continue through life is by maintaining some sense of what needs to remain hidden.
Once the dust settled...I found what was true for me. It was only through discovering what my perception of it was, that I found some peace. I had to modify the description to fit what I felt internally. This is an ongoing process for me, the system is not static and continues to evolve and change. This is a good thing and usually means that I am understanding more and finding more ways to make connections.

I think that most of what we discuss on this forum sounds much more crazy than it appears in real life. In some ways, because we are constantly working on our issues, we (meaning...all of us on this forum) are alot more normal than the general population (those that are not in therapy.) I think all of us have made a conscious decision to know how and why we are the way we are. That, in itself, provides more insight than most people are comfortable with. Most people are content to sleep through their lives and do not pursue the depths that we do on a weekly basis.

I do not think that others perceive my life as wildly different than their own so that helps me to realize that it may not be. No one is totally integrated or of singular mind. We all have different ego states, if we didn't it would not be possible to change roles in the way that everyone has to. One minute we are caring mothers and playmates to our children...and then the spouse comes home...and we switch to loving wife. We go to our jobs and are professionals...then we go have a drink with our co-workers and we are friends and companions. etc...etc.... This is the way of life.
When we become more aware of the fact that we are changing our ego states to fit the situation, we may feel a bit more crazy...but what it truly means is that we are more educated to our own internal processes.

My current difficulties are not reflective of my entire "way of being." My biggest hurdle is in overcoming the amnesia that exists between my ego states. When I am able to do that I can experience my life as being richer and more genuine than the way most people are.
For example...when I play with a child...I can totally immerse myself in being with that child and on that child's level of understanding, I can be a child without all the encumbrances of my adult life.

I refer to this way of being as "tone-matching." I take a general read from the person I am relating to and make my best attempt to match who they are in that moment. This idea works to make others comfortable with me and it also functions to keep me protected from any undue stressors. (It's not something that I consciously try to do, it is just my way of describing my internal process as I see it.) I have done it all my life. This is how I have learned to cope with my own perceived differences. It is only through working in therapy that I have been able to identify it and put words to it, and I have created my own terminology to best describe my experience.
I believe you will find your own way of doing that...and would encourage you to try it. You are the only expert on you and you will know if something does not feel "right" to you. Many people worry too much about suggestibility. To deal with that, all you have to remember is that you must remain true to your own experience and your own feelings. Trust yourself and honor it as "your" way of being.

I hope this makes some sense to you. Actually...I just hope it makes sense.

Anyway...if you have any questions that you think I may have some answers to...know that you can always ask. I will do my best to honor and be sensitive to your current process.

(((JM)))) I think you're doing GREAT...I know it's tricky and doesn't feel good, but it's not as extreme as you may be thinking.

SD

quote:

Originally posted by soulfuldaze:
I think all of us have made a conscious decision to know how and why we are the way we are. That, in itself, provides more insight than most people are comfortable with.
SD

SD,

this is very true, but in my case at least, i had no choice but to seek help. none. that's how bad my attacks of anxiety, fear and despair were. i had managed these occasional attacks with medication for almost 20 years, but then "the big one" hit me last may, and that was it. it was time for therapy, and lots of it.

so while my decision was technically conscious, i really had no choice. had "the big one" never occurred, i would've been happy to continue on with my life, as you so accurately put it, asleep.

Russ

I hear you on that Russ!!!

I really didn't have a choice either. But I do choose to continue to discover. I can choose to stop therapy...knowing the risks. But I choose not to take those risks...everyday I choose.
I have no desire to have that choice taken away from me as it has been before...so I keep at it.

SD

quote:

Originally posted by soulfuldaze:
I do not want to complicate your perception of your own process. I know how frightening this process can be, so I certainly do not want to compound your fears. The pacing of your process at this point is very important...and listening to your T is the best way to keep that under control.

SD,
Thank you for recognizing how complicated this can get and for understanding how frightening too. I think that is most helpful for me.

On one hand I am happy and excited to finally understand what's been going on most of my life. I understand the noise in my head now and why it's so hard to turn off forcing me to get out of bed at 4:00 in the morning because I can't sleep, like right now. These wild and random thoughts have a reason and a purpose. Then on the other hand I am still questioning the integrity of it all. Which leads me to your reaction to this:

quote:

My T said "This is not crazy like you think it is" and I didn't even say it yet.
I had a personal reaction to this statement...wondering how crazy you really think I am?

SD, This remark had absolutely nothing to do with you or any disorder. I don't think you're crazy at all. Having a disorder does not make me or anyone else crazy. I FEEL crazy because I am batting around new concepts and peprceptions of my own realities that are still foreign to me, and then questioning the integity that those concepts apply to myself. It isn't because I'm afraid to have a dissociative disorder as it is more like, "What if I'm dreaming this up and I really don't have these ego states after all? What if I imagined this all my life and it just seems to make sense now because I want it to and after I reveal all this someone will say it isn't true?" Maybe since it is DDNOS and because it is not specified as a particular named disorder, it feels a little less real. I'm not DID, but I have very strong and present ego states that just never split into definitive alters. I don't have Dissociative Amnesia, or Fugue, or Dissociative Depersonalization; but I have some varying characteristics of each of them. It's a little frustrating and makes me question the exisitance of my own internal reality and THAT makes me feel crazy. Knowing me quite well, my T picked up on that. So no one is crazy, but I think we ALL FEEL that way sometimes. It is such a mixed reaction to finally understand what it is but almost too good to be true. I've waited for this sort of validation for nearly 40 years and now I'm afraid someone might take it away and say "No, you're not DDNOS you just have a wild imagination." Does that make sense? So please don't think that was a personal accusation or expression about you or anybody else being crazy for having a Disscoiative Disorder. It is my own internal conflict and absolutely nothing to do with having a DD or with how you present yourself. Just so you know, I welcomed the possiblity of a DD dx with the attitude that it certainly would explain a lot of things. Things I already felt crazy about because they seemed to have no purpose. Now they do, and I can say that I am relieved. I like how you put it;

quote:

Once the dust settled...I found what was true for me. It was only through discovering what my perception of it was, that I found some peace... This is a good thing and usually means that I am understanding more and finding more ways to make connections.

I couldn't agree more. Knowing what it is, and that there is hope and notable progress throughout the process is very reassuring to me to. I am still waiting for a lot of my dust to settle, however.

quote:

No one is totally integrated or of singular mind. We all have different ego states, if we didn't it would not be possible to change roles in the way that everyone has to...

This is very true and my T explained that vey well in that diagram. She even went so far to draw herself with her "ego states" in order to illustrate and "normalize" this for me.

quote:

My current difficulties are not reflective of my entire "way of being." My biggest hurdle is in overcoming the amnesia that exists between my ego states. When I am able to do that I can experience my life as being richer and more genuine than the way most people are.

I realize that this does not define us.
The amnnesia almost seems like one of the most difficult struggles I can imagine so far. For me I do not experience a blinding amnesia, but a temporary amnesia that comes across as forgetfulness, but as soon as someone recalls it for me I can usually go "Oh yeah that's right." But I find this rather frustrating and even a little frightening. My T informed me of a couple things I had forgotten that I did/said the week before. I remembered making one phone and she reminded me I made 2. I had to think about it, but then I remembered I did. And this is no typical memory lapse. And this actually happened twice that week and she reminded me of both occasions. So apparently I was aware I was making the calls at the time, but what I wasn't aware of is that it was an ego state making the call and could soon forget I did until she reminded me. *sheepish grin* But oh well, I will learn how to manage this I am sure. I am hopeful I will also learn how to control my switching (?) too. It seems like now that I know about these ego states and I am giving them a voice, they are persisting a little more or at least I am aware of it more than I was before. A couple of them are kind of fun and mishievious.

quote:

I can be a child without all the encumbrances of my adult life.

I so want to do that!!!

quote:

This is how I have learned to cope with my own perceived differences. It is only through working in therapy that I have been able to identify it and put words to it, and I have created my own terminology to best describe my experience.
I believe you will find your own way of doing that...and would encourage you to try it. You are the only expert on you and you will know if something does not feel "right" to you. Many people worry too much about suggestibility. To deal with that, all you have to remember is that you must remain true to your own experience and your own feelings. Trust yourself and honor it as "your" way of being.

This is a lot of help actually SD! Thank you. I worry about suggestibility, but I see what you mean. I do have the power to see what is true for my reality, but I am still a little wobbly as I learn how to walk through this and understand my awareness for what it is. But there is need for some due caution, because all humans are open to some sort of suggestability or the placebo effect would not exist, hypnotism would be nearly impossible, many of our soothing imagery techniques would loose their ability, and tv commercials would be worthless. So suggestablity is something we all have different levels of and I think as I am only beginning to understand and notice what is real for me, it is important for me to limit my exposure, at least at first. Not everyone has the countenance to overcome strong suggestions. I think of hypochondria for instance.

I truly appreciate and value your insight and experience. I think what I have been wanting is for someone to understand my struggle while honoring my own internal reality. So I find this very helpful. Thank you!
JM

JM,

S'taken me a while to respond to this post, 'caues a lot of it hit home quite a bit. When you talked about the little kid in your head peeking over your shoulder and saying, "I want that!". When you talk about the semi-amnesia, the very startlingly different mood states, and the rest. The suggestibility, the not wanting to look stuff up 'cause it seriously influences what you think and worry about. So that's mostly why I haven't been posting much in responses, but I really really appreciate everything you all have talked about.

I'm just not to the point where I can deal with this stuff, so I'm not really going into it. New T, gotta break him in and learn to trust him and all that. Without solid support there it's hard to engage in all these wonderful conversations. I think the replies you got are amazing and insightful. I learned lots about different ways people are, in the world.

...that last sentence means a little bit more something like, how people go about living in the world with things like this, or things different from this.

Yeah, I'm kind of bold and out there with my stuff and I'm sure that causes some triggers and reactions from others who aren't able to go there for many reasons. I understand that some people can't handle certain triggers right now and as hard as it may be to believe, I have some issues I avoid myself. So I'm always hopeful that it doesn't stir up too much conflict and I certainly unnderstand that some people just can't go there to those depths to reply. And that's ok. It's important and good that you know what you CAN handle, and breaking in a new T right now is enough for you to deal with.

Thanks for your acknowledgments!
JM

HB, you have such a way of making me feel good no matter where I'm at. Like I can raise my head up out of the mire and wave, "Thanks for the inspiration HB! I'll be right out."

quote:

Originally posted by Hummingbird:
SD, you have gone through so much, thank you for sharing your experience. And for the record, you did make perfect sense.

SD, I just wanted to second this and because I am not sure that I really expressed how grateful I am for your indepth knowledge and insight. It is so priceless and helpful to me and I appreciate how gentle and kind you are with it. You are very thoughtful with my sesnitivities and concerns and I really want you to know how I appreciate that tremendously.
JM

Thanks...HB and JM...

HB...you are soo great...you never make us play catch alone. I love that about you.
And I'm glad that you can make sense of my posts...sometimes there is so much going on in my head...I'm not sure what I am typing...until I re-read it and edit it.

And JM...your courage and struggle throughout your process is inspirational.

I was not at all offended by the thought that you might think I was really quite crazy. Some people do. LOL...
I just had a reaction. Sometimes I need a little reassurance...and feedback about how I am coming across. Thank you for providing me with that. I do appreciate it.

And to add to the topic of suggestibility...I just wanted to say that any of us with a dissociative type of disorder do tend to be highly suggestible. I know that...but what I have found is that the first time someone "suggests" something to you (whether it is your T, which is unlikely....or anyone else) I think you will find that you will instinctively know where to go with the suggestion.

For example: I had a psychiatrist who was convinced that I was a survivor of SRA (satanic ritual abuse) and wanted to do an exorcism on me. Well...I knew that was not what I was dealing with. I KNEW...even though I have many memory gaps...and don't always know what I am doing. I KNEW this "suggestion" was not what I was dealing with. There was nothing in my memory or flashbacks to indicate that as a reality. I would not let her take me there.
She jumped there because of my own spiritual beliefs and her distorted thinking about them. It was not because of any memory content or anything I had disclosed to her. So, I basically told her to keep her bible to herself and let me get on with my own s**t!

Weird story...but true. That psychiatrist went way too far with all of it and eventually lost her license and made herself a bit crazy in the process. She was great though...and I loved her despite her mistakes. I remember taking her a parting gift. It was a pharmacy jar full of marbles. I gave it to her and said: "Just in case you lose yours." Now...that was bold...LOL...but oddly accurate. Irony at it's best.

SD

quote:

the first time someone "suggests" something to you (whether it is your T, which is unlikely....or anyone else) I think you will find that you will instinctively know where to go with the suggestion.

SD, I totally get this. Thank you for assuring me that I can have the confidence to know my reality better than anyone else no matter who they are. I know that instinctive feeling and I am lerning to trust it.

I hate what that Psych did to you and that she went so far as she did. But it is good that you stuck with what you know is right for you.Thank you for sharing so much for me, I am really moved.
JM