I am coming to terms with what I once thought of as severe mood swings and recognizing that I have different ego states that exist within me. Not separate alters, but ego states. I am not educated about the whole thing yet, my T wants me to just allow things to come up as they will rather than learning the A-Z’s about it and possibly letting that influence me. I can see why she is concerned about it. So as I struggle to share my experience if I sound confused or uneducated I am, and I hope I don’t offend anyone or make anyone uncomfortable, especially those who have similar disorders and may know so much more about all of this than I do.
I know I don’t need medication (However, I am taking homeopathic remedies for severe depression and feelings of separate from the world, anger, injustice, etc) and my T believes that my trauma therapy will enable me to become fully integrated and for the first time in my life to be truly functional and undisrupted by these intrusive ego states. MAN! Do I look forward to that!!! I can hear myself crying “Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty I am free at last!”

I’ve mentioned elsewhere on forum that this has been one of the most emotionally cleansing weeks I’ve ever had. I had two sessions this week, the first was on Wednesday where my T and I broached my feelings of despair after a phone call with her last Saturday that left me feeling re-traumatized. By the time I was sitting in front of her I was experiencing a protruding anger with her and anyone else within eye shot. This was one a few recent discoveries of someone (an ego state) I call Mr. Angry and he had some things to say to my T if need be, and he waited nearby as I expressed myself and she listened compassionately and understandably. She apologized for what she admits was an error on her part for her reaction to a particular need that I expressed over vm and which she was returning my call for last Saturday morning. She didn’t use the term, but I think counter transference would be the appropriate terminology. In short, my constant hunger to fill my childish needs against my belief “that it will never be enough” compounded with her own issue that “no matter what she does it is never enough” finally reached a clashing point. I have felt the conflict for a long time and never knew how to express it and I even wondered if this was her issue entering into the arena. FINALLY, after the phone call she was forced to question her response to me herself and she was able to see that she was indeed reacting to me from her own background and beliefs. This is her issue. So we talked it out and Mr. Angry was able to stay in the background as I was able to express my hurt and even my determination that if this is the turn our relationship has made and if it is unrecoverable, then despite how painfully devastating it would be, I would have no choice but to terminate and find another T who can handle my emotions the way they need to be handled. She agreed and said that she is happy that I am willing to do that for myself and that my expressions are very reasonable and adult like and that she would welcome me to do that and not to remain in a relationship that is re-traumatizing no matter what relationship that is. But she also expressed her belief that we could work through this and by her sincere admissions of fault and humble apologies, I could sense that we would work through this breech too. I think it she was truly unaware of her counter transference for some time and hopefully now she can work to keep it out of the room. And I am happy to be able to experience the unhindered warmth and attunement from my beloved T once again.

My next appointment was yesterday where I found the same warm, inviting response. We discussed more of my feelings about how I finally realize that my longing for her or anyone else to ever replace my mother will never be fulfilled. The floodgates of grief overwhelmed me as expressed myself in few words but with groans that are just as significant. The words will still come as will more tears. Meanwhile, I protested the fact that it is unfair that I will feel that from someone else and that I have to be the one to fill that void. I ranted for a relatively short time, but the exposure was huge and she symbolically held me through it all. She caught every tear and heard every groan and she stayed with me through it all. I wept bitterly over having to do all this for myself just as I have my entire life and how angry I am that no one will ever be able to do this for me. She remained so still and rapt toward me. I could see in her eyes that she hurts for me, but at the same time I know she is relieved that we are finally accessing the deepest of grief. She was absolutely wonderful through the process, knowing just how much and just how little to say to keep me flowing, but she also knew when to gently help me wind down. We have made such a shift in our closeness and attunement. I am deeply touched by her unlike ever before and I feel that so much of this relationship truly is requitable. I believe she loves me very deeply.

She even took the time to draw a diagram on a piece of paper for me. Oh I felt like an ardent student fully engrossed in her adored mentor. She showed me the difference between a self and its DID alters, and where I fit into the continuum with my ego states and also what it looks like for people who are fully integrated. To illustrate DID she drew several individual little circles inside a large circle which represented the self as the separate little circles represent different alters. My diagram had the larger circle representing myself and the little circles joined together in a chainlike form, distinct but in contact through the next ego in the chain. In an integrated person, which is what is typical for most of the population and which she says I can become, all of the circles representing ego states interlock with each other in more of a cluster. I thought it was very interesting, but what touched me most is that she took the time to show me. I am still grinning. I asked her if I could have that (Lord knows why) and she said "Of course!" It was neat we were both sitting at the edge of our seats as she drew on the coffee table somewhat between but at the side of us, of which we at times both rest our feet on. I am thinking of hanging it on my refrigerator.

It was a great session and I feel fairly calm and confident that I will get through this next week ok. If not you know where I’ll be.

Thanks for listening. I sure hope this wasn’t too extensive and boring.
JM

Thanks for sharing so much personal information! I'm very moved...

Scott

quote:

This sounds like one of those times when awareness of what is going on inside of you will be incredibly helpful and an official diagnosis actually provides safety, in a boundary sort of way.

Thanks for the encouragement HB. The awareness is the key and believe it or not, I have not heard the "official diagnosis" yet, but it's pretty much a no brainer so that even I can get it.

It was so fulfilling when she took such patience and time to draw that diagram. I could feel all my little egos looking over my shoulder so to speak at every circle she drew. I could sense that she had quite a captive audience. The more I think about this, the more it strikes me how much this significant gesture really means to me. Especially the little girl who has hungered for someone to just explain what is going on. *GASP!* OMG, that's it. She touched such a deep need and longing with me. I will have to write this in my journal and tell her next Friday.

......Is it Friday yet?

So I think a lot of what I am learning explains what feels like such static in my head lately too and perhaps has something to do with the unrelenting headaches and nausea I have had. It's like a silent noise and unrest sometimes. Another thought for my journal I need to make sense of.

Scott- your reply means a lot to me and the fact that you were moved touches me. I was really hoping I wouldn't trigger negative reactions for anybody.
Thank you,
JM

(((JM)))

thank you for sharing both your pain and your insights. It sounds like you had an amazing week and you are having transformative insights. I'm glad you were able to work out your anger with your T. It is inspirational to hear about you.

JM I just want to say thank you for sharing what you did. I'm glad that you had such amazing and deep sessions and that your T came through for you and that you feel extremely connected to her now. Your story is inspiring and I can only hope one day I can get to that level with my T and find the same healing response that you got.

My T has drawn stuff for me on occassion and I remember sitting there closely with our heads bent together looking at his pad. Wish I had thought to ask him for the paper to keep as a reminder of our session.

I also have a feeling that you will get through this week just fine.

TN

quote:

I am deeply touched by her unlike ever before and I feel that so much of this relationship truly is requitable. I believe she loves me very deeply.

JM!!!! What an amazing thing to be able to say! I am so happy for you- not that you are in pain and struggling in the throes of grief- but because of your awareness and your ability to work through an issue with your T and come out the other side alive and working. I definitely think that the above quote is a direct result of your later comment:

quote:

The more I think about this, the more it strikes me how much this significant gesture really means to me. Especially the little girl who has hungered for someone to just explain what is going on. *GASP!* OMG, that's it. She touched such a deep need and longing with me.

She fulfilled a deep, penetrating desire within you. However, in my opinion, she did you one better becasue she did not just give you all the answers or tell you to go google it- which I'm sure you probably did anyway (I did!), but she fed the part of you that could not rest due to curiosity and fear with just enough information to keep you moving. This experience illustrates how she is patiently guiding you, waiting until you are ready, but not sitting there tapping your foot telling you to hurry up. No, she is sitting with you, acknowledging your intense hunger, but feeding you what you need to eat, not how much you feel like you are hungry for.

BTW (this is to Russ too), I was without my T last week- TWO WHOLE WEEKS WITHOUT HER! I thought I was dying inside- left three VM's and told her she had impeccibly SH***Y timing! But I made it through and I think she was pretty happy that I wasn't sitting in front of her office door when she returned! And do you know what the greatest thing of all was?!?!?!? SHE CAME BACK, just like she said she would!!! Oh, how I love reliability.

-CT

quote:

Wish I had thought to ask him for the paper to keep as a reminder of our session.

TN,
It was funny because it sat there on the coffee table a I stood up to leave and a little voice was saying, "I want that" and I thought, "no, that's silly" then my heart sank and next thing I knew I was asking her if I could have it. I am really glad that I did.

I do think that what she took the time to do for me was just what I needed.

quote:

She fulfilled a deep, penetrating desire within you. However, in my opinion, she did you one better becasue she did not just give you all the answers or tell you to go google it- which I'm sure you probably did anyway (I did!), but she fed the part of you that could not rest due to curiosity and fear with just enough information to keep you moving.

CT, I agree. I have googled a couple times, but I am trying to honor her wishes and so it was really helpful when she explained this to me, but it was the way she did it that not only fed my hunger for knowldge, but the childish longing for understanding. I've always wondered what was different about me and nobody would tell me. There were so many secrets that people kept, but I always sensed something was wrong. She is a wonderful T.

I miss her so much already.

JM
That was so awesome, thank you for sharing so deeply about your experience and being so brave as to talk about what you're experiencing. I love that your T and you both stay and work through the disruptions, especially the major ones that threaten to end the relationship. That's at the heart of the healing experience. To understand that bad things will happen, that people, no matter how much they love us, will fail us, but that does NOT mean the end. The failures can be healed and understanding restored. You really can trust the relationship. And it is through these repairs that it grows stronger.

And being able to go so deep and let it be witnessed is where I believe the real healing takes place. I am so glad you were able to experience that with your T. Being able to witness your journey, with all its ups and downs that you generously share, is an inspiration. Thank you.

AG

HB,
Sorry I forgot to leave the HTML slapper with you when I went out of town. It was a terrible oversight, and I assure you, won't happen again.

AG

Hi JM....

I just wanted to let you know that I have been reading and digesting your post. You KNOW I have a ton of stuff to post to you...but have been holding back. I will pull it together and get a post out to you soon.
Right now...I have to keep my posts relatively short. I'm having some control issues at the present time. Nothing to be alarmed about but it's hard for me to stay focused.

I am sooo glad that you are figuring out what feels true for you. I know it's hard to wrap your head around...but it sounds like you and your T are working very hard on it.

(((JM)))

SD

quote:

You KNOW I have a ton of stuff to post to you...but have been holding back. I will pull it together and get a post out to you soon.

SD,
I welcome and even crave some insight, but I am also afraid of it. If that makes sense. I worry about my suggestability as does my T. I want to learn more about what is going on with me but I want to make sure that I stay authentic in my experience. So please keep that in mind with what you post to me. I hope you understand. I am feeling pretty unstable with where I am right now as I learn to look at what I once thought were severe mood swings and imaginative characters to recognizing there's a whole new meaning to all of it. It's a bit scary and makes me feel a little crazy. My T said "This is not crazy like you think it is" and I didn't even say it yet. She just knows me. So I appreciate any help and insight, just keep in mind for what you do share with me that I am on fragile ground right now.

I am sorry you have been having a dificult time lately. But it is encouraging to see how you get things back into control. It is so thoughtful for you to post while you are experiencing such difficulty.

Thank you,
JM

(((JM)))

I'm glad to hear you had such a productive and satisfying last session before your break! I did too. I think it's SO SO interesting that your T created a diagram for you because my T did that for me the week before last. He didn't draw it like yours did, but he described it this way. I hope this makes some sense to and/or resonates with folks:

You know those wire hanging baskets that you see in peoples' kitchens? I mean the ones with three levels - smallest at the top and largest at the bottom - and they usually hang from the ceiling? One of these things actually. Well, my T said that if you took one of those and re-arranged it so that the smallest basket was on the bottom and largest on top, and then you had four or five or six baskets instead of the usual three, and had a wire or chain connecting them all right up through the middle, that's how my issues would line up.

The top basket is the most recent stuff (symptoms), and it of course also contains the contents from all the previous baskets, and the hook that connects it to the ceiling is where my experience meets up/interfaces with my life in the world today.

The first basket at the bottom is the smallest and most distant back in time, but it's also the most focused and intense and significant. It's where it all started. This would be me not getting what I needed from my mother.

The next basket up would be me moving on to see if I could get what I needed from my father. No dice there either. And as we continue up the chain of baskets, each issue or event helps to define and bring focus, meaning and weight to the previous basket, and each basket gets larger because it needs the space to contain all the gathering stuff from the previous basket(s). Nothing is ever left behind.

Other baskets in the middle include my failed relationships with women, my persistent (but becoming-less-and-less-mysterious) desire to never, ever want a boy if I have a child, and other things.

Until now, I kept looking for THE ONE thing that was causing all my suffering and symptoms. This diagram/model that my T outlined for me now allows me to see that it's not just one thing but a series of things that are ALL related and connected, and that it all starts with MOM and goes up the line from there, each subsequent event and/or experience bringing meaning and definition to the previous one, until the top basket became so overloaded that terrifying symptoms developed, as if my soul finally spoke up and said, "Hi, Russ. You don't know me but I sure know you. I suggest that you look at your baskets. Like now."

quote:

Originally posted by Chronically Transferred:

...she did you one better because she did not just give you all the answers...but she fed the part of you that could not rest due to curiosity and fear with just enough information to keep you moving. This experience illustrates how she is patiently guiding you, waiting until you are ready, but not sitting there tapping your foot telling you to hurry up. No, she is sitting with you, acknowledging your intense hunger, but feeding you what you need to eat, not how much you feel like you are hungry for.

Perfect description of what my guy does. It makes me really really angry sometimes. In fact, sometimes I refer to it as the "f-ing DIY school of psychotherapy!" But not giving all the answers is critical. They want us to come to insight on our own (with their nudging of course).

quote:

Originally posted by Chronically Transferred:
BTW (this is to Russ too), I was without my T last week- TWO WHOLE WEEKS WITHOUT HER! I thought I was dying inside- left three VM's and told her she had impeccibly SH***Y timing!

Awesome.

I hope this makes some sense, and I hope everyone is doing OK today. I'm looking at a week with no T, so I'm gonna be here a lot.

Best,
Russ

Russ,
Awesome basket analogy! And it really describes my experience. And makes me very hopeful since I'm working on my mom basket at this point.

quote:

They want us to come to insight on our own (with their nudging of course).

I totally agree with this Russ, but I really believe its out of necessity. There are some things that you cannot "know" unless you struggle through to them on your own. During my last session, after things had calmed down, I told my T that you probably could have told me what I just finally understood 10 minutes after I walked through your door. His response was was to tell me a story about trying to control the depths. That our struggle for that control is what creates our ability to move to the deeps and back to the shore where we live our lives.

My T and I have actually discussed that in many ways, if healing didn't result from the struggles I go through, he'd just look like the world's biggest sadist. I honestly believe that the pain we experience is often necessary pain and one of the most difficult aspects of a therapist's job is to have to watch us deal with that pain but knowing it's the only way and that they can't relieve us of the necessity to feel it.

Keep posting, my two weeks is just about over, so I really get what you're facing.

AG

quote:

uring my last session, after things had calmed down, I told my T that you probably could have told me what I just finally understood 10 minutes after I walked through your door. His response was was to tell me a story about trying to control the depths. That our struggle for that control is what creates our ability to move to the deeps and back to the shore where we live our lives.

Hey! I am so glad I found this site. I have been going through a huge struggle in therapy with transference. Lately I have been wandering if its healthy or not.

But I agree... I think that we have to struggle in therapy and be attached to our therapist to understand why we feel the way we do. I have had so many attachments in the past with people that only damaged me.

I worry sometimes that my therapist will hurt me and abandon me. I know it goes back to my fear of my mom dying when I was little and feeling so dead inside like she wasn't there for me emotionally. Also the fact that we moved away from my dad at such a young age. I always hated loosing friends and missing relatives when they went home after visiting..I was completely devastated when that happened. Than my best friend died when I was a teenager. So after that I really am careful letting people in..because of that FEAR of being left.It makes me feel so dead inside and empty.

Its almost like an obsession trying to figure out if my therapist is good or bad.. ect. I know it has to be something from my childhood and the abuse I endured. I have learned a lot from myself so I feel thats a good sign that therapy is working and not making me worse.

I just feel so dependent on her and like my life revolves around therapy and my therapist. I know its because I look to her as a care giver and I expect her to give me what I missed out on as a child. But I can't expect to get from her what was lost as a child.

We had a rough session this past week and I think this is why I am doubting therapy and my relationship with her. We talked about memories from abuse and I had so many distorted thoughts. I felt that she was against me and she was evil.

Sometimes I think "should I stop therapy... or not?" And I keep on going. I wander am I getting anywhere or just hurting myself??

My therapist says I have made a lot of progress. I think because of the insight I have on myself and also because I open up so much more than I did at the begining. I guess we kind of open up a door to our past and all the demons come out to haunt us for a while ...

I think the reason why I am so dependent on my therapist being there for me is because I feel I need her. Like I needed someone when I was little and whether they hurt me or not I justified it. When we were little we didn't know where our mother ended and we began, because we needed her so much. I am thinking because the abuse took place pre verbal that is why I am so scared of loosing her.

Anyways transference is very painful, but I have to believe that I will make it through and that it will help me.

Welcome to the forum TG85!

quote:

I know it goes back to my fear of my mom dying when I was little and feeling so dead inside like she wasn't there for me emotionally.

I just had to respond to this directly for the time being: I always feared my mother dying too and she was not able to be there for me emotionally, I was more her emotional caretaker. That had a very profound affect on me too and an enormous impact on my attachment to my T as well as major transference feelings in many of my relationships.

I am glad you found our community and I hope you find much support. This is a great place. Thanks for sharing.