quote:

I can't understand why I am aroused now thinking about it (and it is a new feeling for me, before I was just sad).

Incognito, you're NOT getting aroused now, you're having a body memory which included the fact that you were aroused then. You're remembering what it felt like it, all of it unfortunately. Tune out on the next section if you want to, I've said it before so it may be repititive for you. Traumatic memories are not stored the same way as regular memories. Normally when something happens, we are able to process it, handle the associated emotions and make sense of whatever happened. Our hippocampus is key in doing so. Once all this processing and making sense of is complete, the memory is stored, so that later we can remember checking out the library book. But we no sense of being actually back at the library desk checking out the book.

Trauma, by definition is something that comes at you so fast and/or is so intense that you don't have the resources to process it. So, the hippocampus actually goes offline and the "memory" is stored in a different area of the brain, unprocessed and with no sense of context. Which is why when we are experiencing traumatic memories it can often feel like we are actually there, experiencing the memory rather than recalling it. As a matter of fact an important part of trauma work is allowing ourselves to experience the memory (and with the help of our T) feel it, process it and make some kind of narrative sense of it. In that case, our hippocampus is involved and we essentially convert it to a normal memory.

So the feelings and sensations you are having really are from the past but because of how they got stored, they feel as if they are a reaction in the here and now. They aren't.

Which don't get me wrong, doesn't mean they're easy to experience. I'm really glad that you're husband was so supportive and gave you the love and care that you so richly deserve.

I hope your appt with your T goes well today and you experience the same kind of acceptance and understanding there. Please let us know how it goes when you're up for it.

AG

In cognita,

I don't have time right now to write more but I wanted to thank you for telling me what CMA is. I too have that in my past. It is one of the most difficult things to deal with.

will come back later and write more

Oh wait one more thing

I skimmed this and I struggle with the same things. A book that really, really helped me was called "In session" by Debra Lott.

OMG I cried when I read it. YOu won't feel so alone.

thanks WS, I have read In Session quite close to when I started T but maybe I should reread it.

I'm calmer now. I slept pretty well. I think I was too exhausted to worry anymore. My T sent me an email this morning telling me that while he didn't want to minimize my feelings (that I described on his voicemail) but these feelings occur and he was neither distressed or surprised by them. I'm going in later tonight and I imagine it will be a difficult session to explore some of these feelings.

i'll let you know how it went later,

Incognito.. I think what your T was trying to convey is that he can contain whatever you have to tell him and he may not even be surprised because from other sessions he probably had a good idea of where you were going. He is trying to tell you that he is calm and in control and will help you contain your emotions so there is no need to be afraid or nervous. He is also showing you his acceptance of you and your feelings.

I know it's hard but it will all be okay. You will see. I think you trust your T and so allow him to help you. I'm thinking of you. Let us know how you are doing later.

TN

hi everyone,

my session is done and it was difficult. My T said I hope you noticed we could talk about it and we both survived. I'm exhausted but will write more tomorrow.

Incognito,
This is a very exhausting process to work through. So be kind to yourself and recognise that.

I love how your T made it a point to show you that you survived it. And you will survive this, because you already survived the worst part when you were but a child. Now you are an adult and you have a strong, caring, nurturing T who will help you deal with the left over emotional baggage and give you a key to unlock the door to a more positive future.

I like what HB said to, that even when we have felt like nothing more than a puddle on the floor, this is a glorious example of survival. (We morphed.)

Hi Incognito-
I'm glad that you survived through your session! I have to say that you seem to have made an amazing breakthrough with your T. I want to reiterate what everyone else has said just because it is true and worth saying a million times until you believe it: You were a child. It was in no way your choice or your fault. Your body reacted the way your body is made to react and there is no shame in that.
In addition, I wanted to take a sec to comment on the paternal transference aspect of things and how hard it must be to talk about the abuse at the hands of your father while sitting in front of a man (your T) you either wish was your father or wish your father was like. It must be a huge juxtoposition of what was vs. what is vs. what you wish things would have been. I respect your courage in facing this with your T! I would like to also point out (obvious, maybe, but very crucial) that your T has no desire to treat you like your father did. While you may think of him in a paternal sense, remeber that the reasons you are so fond of him are because he is so different than your father. He has proven himself safe and willing to walk with you through the pain. Hopefully, as you talk to him about this more, you will realize that he makes no judgements; the disgust you are afraid he is going to feel toward you is your own disgust at what happened projected on to him. There is great freedom ahead for you, and I hope that you move forward, at whatever pace suits you, and soak up the unconditional acceptance your T gives you. Congrats for moving forward even though it probably doesn't feel like it!