Background info-I am really and truly stuck with my T. He wants to know if I am coming back to him, but I just don't know, and I don't know what to say.
The last session was beautiful- great stuff happening, best session ever- then bam!!- Major disconnect in the last few minutes. I don't know how to resolve it; I don't know what to do. I tend to run from angry people- yet it seems the most important people in my life are angry with me. The only reason I can see is that somehow I piss them off - the disconnect and sometimes they apoligize, sometimes they don't, but I don't see what I have done- what line did I cross. I am not learning something. The disconnect with my T is about Christ. The disconnect with my husband is because he orders me around and I no longer listen- I just walk away. I wish I could walk away from everybody right now.

I thought this could be a thread where we can share poetry that is meaningful to us; poetry that carries us through the rough spots- either treasures we have created to help us sort things out or ones we have found that touch our soul.

This is a Poem that I found written by Hafiz. I txt(ed) it to my T. He wants to know if I am saying goodbye, and that he hopes I am not, but I just don't know.

THE OLD MUSICIAN

How
Should
Those who know God
Meet and
part?

The way
An old Musician
Greets his beloved
instrument

And will take special care,
As a great artist always does,

To enhance the final note
Of each

Performance

***************************************************************

I am going to be bold- this is what I think. I think my T made the mistake, by getting angry with me and I should not blame myself. I think my husband makes this mistake often because I am becoming healthier and he can't emotionally bully me- push me around emotionally to satisfy himself.
So now I want to say good bye to both of them. No longer duck, run, and hide from angry people, but purposely walk away.

Monte-
That is BEAUTIFUL! Thank you for it. And yes- I can see where a T might say that, and I am glad at your response.

I think Poetry might be a good release for me, but I just started writing a little this week- (first time) mostly about the disconnect. Here is a part of my writing- a very rough draft so far.

WHY ARE YOU ANGRY WITH ME?

I think of you with love-
one friend to another

So my suffering is strong-
loss of your sweet compassion.

I feel I have overstayed my welcome
and I will not visit where I am not invited.

Yes, I make the appointment,
but it is you that says-

"Welcome my friend - come in to my heart and share your being; for I am not afraid of your spirit."

My sorrow is that now your heart is closed because you are angry.
I've touched a forbidden part, a part not open for me to see.

Forgive me
It was not my intent

You too - have hurt me by illuminating my doubts in my almost perfect faith.

I wanted your inner-self to dance with me,
Feel the joy I know, like Hafiz

Poetry was the beginning of the dance
and now it is over-just as it had begun.

Maybe we should not dance at all
Is this forbidden in your life-work?

The line has been crossed
and now your heart is shut tightly.
I am sorry for it.

This is my third dance- you know
Invited- then asked to leave.

"You have the wrong spirit," they say
"Choose mine and stay- keep yours and take it with you!"

There is no choice- for I know my truth
So what's the use

I will graciously obey
There must be something very important to learn here-
And for that I am grateful,
But my heart is breaking non the less

I shake the dust from my shoes and leave
weeping.

This sends me begging for understanding and mercy-
To my love - my God.
***************************************************************

After I work on it- clean it up, I think I will send it to my T.
After all - he is expecting some sort of a reply.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Mayo,

helle,

I think you should definitely give that to your T. What a great expression of what you are feeling! I wish I could express my feelings like that. Amazing!

And Monte, yours was amazing, too! Wow, what talent you people have! Just blows my mind!!

Maybe I should work at trying to express some of my mixed up feelings through poetry. It seems to resonate with me because it's not written in a really clear, straightforward way (if that makes sense), just like the way I feel it all inside of me. Hmmm.

Thanks MTF,
I edited it a little.
This whole thing is making me so so incredibly sad. It must be a huge trigger, that I don't have understanding about.
People say that the wounds are held in your body; that must be so because my legs are hurting, similar to (but not nearly as severe) when I was a child.
I sent it to him along with a letter, then I txt him and asked him to read it before Monday. His response just seems to be so cold. I dont really know why he is angry with me. He turned his back on me and I left without making an apointment the last time I saw him.
Monday is so far away. I hate attachment!

Hi BB,
First I need to say that I am feeling so much better today, why- I am not quite sure.
You asked an excellent question, and this is my take on it- at least with my relationship with my T. Here goes-
My T makes me completely in charge of my therapy. He comes into my internal spaces and lets me be whatever I am - whatever i am feeling at the time. If I am going through the good times- we have a great fun session, but lately I have been suffering greatly, with mostly spiritual matters, and it is as if he has allowed himself to be the scapegoat. I work out my hurts through him. He was not present during the abuse- yet he takes the outpouring of my pain (or joy or whatever is present at that time) Now I understand why he asks me to be gentle with him- that never made sense to me before. He lets me practice my life, my relationships good or bad, with him. (the ones I need to practice are usually bad)
I posted something about the inner child last night. I was seriously crying while writing. What ever I wrote (I have to find it on the inner child thread) was releasing for me. something about the little girl holding the sadness. I don't have many memories of what happened to me, but the little girl does. I think last night i tapped into something while writing on the thread. Writing has been a good vehicle to access stuff. It seems I can access stuff that I can't remember, or can't say. IDK if that makes any sense.
Anyway- I called my T this morning and explained my new understanding and he could not believe how well I am beginning to understand how this hard hard practice of therapy works. I never felt depression before- at least not like I have the last 2 wks. It is like I unlocked some of the sadness from the little girl. I wish I had some memories to go with this. On one hand I think- what if I am making up this stuff, on the other hand I think- why in the heck would I do that.
Man- this is hard work!
Is this making any sense?
I can now relate to the idea of the "dark night of the soul" or the anguished poet.
I wonder if I can write poetry when I am not in so much pain?

I have only written a little poetry (and nothing I want to share! ), but I do love reading it.

Here is Sonnet V by Edna St. Vincent Millay. I read this the other day and thought of my P, and how I plan to have my next session be my last. How devastated I would be if anything ever happened to him, and yet, how I would be unable to show my sadness or even share it with anyone, since no one knows how I feel about him. I guess this applies to quitting therapy, too. (BTW, it's National Poetry Month in the U.S. Funny coincidence.)


V

If I should learn, in some quite casual way,
That you were gone, not to return again--
Read from the back-page of a paper, say,
Held by a neighbor in a subway train,
How at the corner of this avenue
And such a street (so are the papers filled)
A hurrying man--who happened to be you--
At noon to-day had happened to be killed,
I should not cry aloud--I could not cry
Aloud, or wring my hands in such a place--
I should but watch the station lights rush by
With a more careful interest on my face,
Or raise my eyes and read with greater care
Where to store furs and how to treat the hair.

Hi Echo-
I detect sadness and loss in this poem.
May I ask why you are quitting therapy? (yesterday and the day before- I was too, but today, i am ok)

quote:

How devastated I would be if anything ever happened to him, and yet, how I would be unable to show my sadness or even share it with anyone, since no one knows how I feel about him.

Does your T know how you feel? You know- we get attached to them because they give us stuff we need, that we lost or did not feel when we were young. (Attachment Girl can explain this rather well)Fear that our Ts are sick- or they might die is a sign of this attachment (all new to me)and something I can relate to- well.
The poem I wrote was my forst attempt since the 5th grade, and I was inspired by my T sharing some poetry with me. (Hafiz-a 13th century Persian is one of his favorites)
He has such incredible titles to his poetry like "Someone Untied Your Camel" (that is the one he read to me I think) and Laughing at the Word Two, and If God invited you to a Party, and An Old Musician- this one I txt to him because I was leaving therapy because of our disconnect. It is a BEAUTIFUL poem about greeting and leaving. Since our disconnect was about spiritual stuff, the first line spoke to me, It is-

How
Should
Those who know of God
Meet and
part? ...
I hope you are leaving therapy because you are strong in your skin and open to people and relationships, not running like me.
Today- i am not quitting.
Be Well- Echo.

Yeah, he knows. I don't know if he understands the intensity of it... but I think he might. I don't want to derail your thread with my story.

Here's my thread.

Hi All,
Awesome thread, I've really enjoyed reading everyone's poems, both original and by other authors. Very powerful stuff.

Poetry has actually been an important part of my therapy. I used to write poetry in High School (lo, many many moons ago ) but literally hadn't written any in about 30 years. I started journaling for the first time in my life when I started working with my present T and I hit a point where I was really struggling to express how I felt and it seemed the only way to do it was to write a poem. For me it was a major sign of a return to life; that I had cleared enough crap out to actually have room and energy to do something creative. My T and I have also extensively discussed the necessity of art because there are deep things about human experience that just can't be expressed in a straight forward manner, so we turn to art to say that which we cannot say. (BTW Helle, I believe that you'll actually be able to write MORE poetry when you're not in pain; but you need it now because the pain you are trying to express is inexpressible.) So I have been writing poetry as I have been healing. I'm going to include two of my poems below. The first one was one of the very first I wrote. I was struggling to express how it felt when the bottom fell out and I needed to connect with my T. He told me after he read it that it really helped him understand what it was like for me. The second poem, Acceptance and Struggle, was extremely important and ended up leading to one of my pivotal moments in therapy. I wrote it and then sent it to my T and asked him to read it before our next session. When we discussed it, it was obvious that he has spent a great deal of time with it, and had really thought about it. It lead to our understanding of my belief that pain is an integral part of love and my T explaining that that wasn't true, that pain is an integral part of life and love is the answer to that pain. Understanding that was what finally allowed me to start experiencing a sense of security with my T.

Unraveling
Small doubt eating away at the fabric of confidence
A rip, tearing open the lid of the abyss
Swirling chaos of pain with no anchor
His voice, a life preserver, flung amidst the storm
Promise of safe haven, of steadfastness
A stronghold in which to shelter
The storm passes while I stand still

Acceptance
I love, yet love in fear
Feeling long sought safety, I flee from the greater pain to come
But love does not follow,
Holding fast, securing ground
To flee from pain is to leave love behind
Receeding ever further, more distant, more faint
I turn back to see pain barring the way
Poised on a knife edge,
To go back to love holding fast is to pass through pain
To return, I must accept its presence
Pain walks beside me as love, and life, draw me back
Standing with love, I find the strength to be pain's companion
Only to learn that pain is love's handmaiden
Acceptance dances just out of reach
elusive, ephemeral, refusing to be grasped
Shall I leave both love and pain behind?
Or find stillness, that acceptance may find a place to alight?

AG

Ag-
You write well!
I enjoyed your poetry.
the first one clearly resonates with how I've been feeling lately (much better today though)
What causes these waves of uncertainty?

quote:

pain is an integral part of love

Hmmm this makess me wonder about what my T would would say. Personally in my experience I would say this is so.
Nice work AG.

I love AG's poems because they really speak to me. I have only written two poems since being in therapy. The first poem which I dared to read to my T brought about a big disruption between us which later became a huge healing moment when I confronted him about some of the things I wrote in the poem. That poem was a huge stepping stone in our relationship and through that disruption I made a true friend (not my T) who has stood beside me through lots of ups and downs in my therapy journey. I don't feel comfortable posting that first poem but I also wrote this next poem sometime after that when I was struggling to tell my T what it felt like to be on this therapy journey....

Darkness Into Light
(copyright to True North, 2009, all rights reserved)

Darkness surrounds me
Inky black it suffocates and
I struggle to breathe
There is a safety in its blackness
I cannot see
And I cannot be seen
It’s better that way
Brokenness, badness, defects all hidden
It feels safer like this
There is no life only deadness
Terrified… need to hide
And time rushes past me
While bleakness surrounds me

If I choose to touch life
I must leave the darkness
For there is light in life
But there is fear and pain
I step forward and the ground moves
There is nothing to hold onto
I am so alone
I can’t do this, I don’t know how
Fear sends me back to the dark
Filled with self-hate, I hide
I don’t deserve to be seen

The darkness looks different
A point of light pierces
I reach out
To test its realness
Warmth, comfort, calm, what is this?
I lose my footing, a hand steadies
I am not alone now but
I can’t stay, fear is my shadow
And pain is close by
Leaving the darkness
Brings light to the shame
Terrified of the pain
I look for the way back to darkness

Suspended between dark and light
I yearn for the warmth and the comfort
To flee from the fear and the pain
I cannot go back
But I cannot go forward
Paralyzed
And yet somehow I know
I am not alone, I am accepted
I am safe and protected
So to reach the light, I
Concede the fear, while
Pain still clings, with a tentative step
I turn towards the light
And the love and the caring
Trusting here I will find peace.


Light and dark, pain and fear, trust, safety and caring... all seem to be an integral part of all of our therapy journeys.

TN

Helle, I like your poem... it expresses so many of your feelings and the confusion about what happened in your therapy. I really think you should share it with your T. It may open the door to a stronger relationship, understanding and healing. Some sentiments, it seems, can only be expressed through art or poetry.

TN

Thanks TN,
Your poem brought tears to my eyes. That does seem to be the experience.
Yes- I sent him the poem, he called (after I txt)and said he should get it tomorrow. He said he couldn't wait to read it; to which i responded, "Oh you might be surprised." He sensed my forboding tone, then left 2 voicemails about dealing with the positive caring and sharing -is the easy part, but dealing with the negative difficult stuff between us is the super hard stuff, and that he was proud of me. I did not return his voicemails, but if I did- I would say- let's see how you feel after you read the poem. I will see him on Monday. The little girl is scared, but I think I can do this. (I think I can, I think I can. )

Helle,

Your poem is beautifull, really moving... it brings out tears.
I don't know what happened between you and your T, what kind of difficulty you are going through.

From your poem I can only guess, that you feel you made him angry and feel that you don't deserve or there is no more closeness for you.
But I'm glad you are still staying connected.

Let me just tell you what my T said and I hope it also applies to your T. He said something like that "I'm human and I do get angry sometimes, but I will never reject you".
I will hold on to these words and if a time comes that I will sense anger I will try to remember the equation: anger does not equal rejection.

Take care and good luck on Monday.

quote:

I will hold on to these words and if a time comes that I will sense anger I will try to remember the equation: anger does not equal rejection.

Thank you Amazon- I will remember this for Monday.I am shaking in my boots already.
My T received the letter/ poem today and he left me three voice mails- something about now we are doing the hard work. He did not sound angry at all, but said there is stuff to work out, for both of us.
I txt him to ask if the tree outside his office is in bloom, cuz I am going to need it to ground myself- most likely.

I am not really quite sure why he got angry, other than we have different spiritual beliefs, and maybe he thought I was pushing too hard. (and I probably was)I saw him the morning of good Friday.
Before the disconnect- he asked if my church was having a Tenebrae service (and we were), and he wanted to come to it. A Tenebrae service is a Good Friday service, about Christ's suffering. The whole service is done in silence, and everyoneleaves in silence, so we never got to talk about what happened in the morning. He sat with my daughter, her boyfriend and me. It was all so weird, because I could sense his anger- or closed heart or something.
A few days later I left for Vermont. The first day there-it rained, so my daughter, my friend and I went to a great bookstore in Manchester. The exact book of Poetry that my T had been sharing with me before the disconnect (Hafiz) was on display, and I noticed it as soon as I entered the store. Not a common book I might add. Hafiz is a 13th century Persian poet. So of course I bought the book.
The more I read, the more anguish I felt over the disconnect. I really don't understand what happened, and he said that he is not sure either, but we will talk.
I should add, that it is not so weird for me to see him outside of therapy. Through seeing him, I am learning that my attachment/transference (what's the difference?) is not erotic or really romantic, but it is very intimate. I think sometimes he is my father, sometimes my girlfriend, and even my dog at times- who is always glad to see me. (I hope he never sees that one)I am not sure who he was when the little girl ran for cover, probably my father.
I will take your message to heart- and thanks.