Hi Moro
You sound perfectly normal to me! (But then you might want to consider the source. ). The truth is that there is a certain rhythm to therapy that we move to based on when our appts are, so yes, there may be people who regularly go longer (I go once a week usually but occasionally skip weeks) but a gap is a gap and a change in the rhythm can throw off your sense of safety. And four to six weeks is a SIGNIFICANT gap. I've done six weeks so I can reassure you that you will survive it but it's understandable that it's making you feel panicky.

Human beings are literally biologically driven to stay near their attachment figures, it's key to their survival. So being able to be in contact with your AF can feel like a matter of life and death especially when it's coming from a time when you were very young. Which is why this is freaking you out so badly. You're not overreacting, you're experiencing a reaction from much earlier in your development. When you have a secure attachment when you're small, an important thing that you learn is that when your AF goes away, you can trust them to come back. And they can hear your fear and how difficult it is to be left, and they can soothe you and help you handle the emotions surrounding that. Think of a two year old whose mother is leaving. Having this happen over and over again teaches us that the connection stays intact DESPITE physical separation. That's why it's so much easier to leave a 10 year old than it is a two year old. From the feelings you're describing, I'm guessing you didn't have a secure attachment when you were small, so essentially you're having to learn this lesson now. And as an adult, these reactions can feel really out of control. The really good news is that you have a T who gets this and understands what a difficult thing you are facing.

I know it's scary to think of not seeing her face to face, but again I want to reassure you. My T has a very liberal contact policy, I am able to email and/or call him in between appts, even when he is on vacation. If I leave an emergency message with his service, he gets back to me within an hour (it's sometimes longer when he's on vacation but he's careful to let me know that. He will often let me know when he'll get back to town as well.) You'll be amazed what even a few minutes contact on the phone can do. Most of my phone calls run about 1-3 minutes, my really long calls will run around 10. Often, when I call, it's just a matter of being able to reassure myself that he's still there and remembers me. So take advantage of any offers of contact your T offers, it will really help you to cope.

You can also come here to talk about how you're feeling, there are a lot of people who understand. A few other things I use to get through long breaks is to request something from your therapist's office which will serve as a physical reminder of the connection. I have a blanket that I traded my T for and I borrowed it the first time because he was going to Europe and was completely out of touch for a few weeks. Another helpful thing would be to ask your T to leave a voicemail on your cell phone that you can listen to whenever you need. This can be really soothing at times when you don't feel like it's appropriate to contact them.

Last but not least, and I know this can be really uncomfortable: Talk about how you're feeling! (I know, you're shocked that I would say that. ) But how you're feeling is really important and looking at those feelings can be very healing. For a period of about two years, my T and I would spend the first two sessions back processing my feelings of abandonment and my anger at him for leaving. He deeply understood where my feelings were coming from so he didn't take it personally and remained very non-defensive. Just remember that there's a BIG difference between saying "I felt abandoned" and "I never want you to go away again." Talking about your feelings is what you're supposed to be doing.

One last thing, is that I wouldn't discount the fact that she's having surgery. Now, knee replacement surgery is pretty routine but still anything that affects our Ts health can feel very threatening to us. I know True North went through knee surgery with her T and it felt pretty scary for her. But she's still here to talk about it.

You're not crazy, you're just working to develop something that should have been taught to you a long time ago.

AG

Hi Moro... I just want to add a few things. AG explained things perfectly (as usual) and I just wanted to confirm that my T did have knee surgery and it was over the Christmas holidays which is a difficult time of year for me as well. What I did was to email him the day after his surgery just asking him if he was okay and how he was feeling. He assured me he was doing well, that all went well and that I should enjoy the holidays and he would see me at our next scheduled appointment. This went a really long way to help me accept missing our appointments. Now, granted, it was not 4-6 weeks more like two weeks but any separation feels horribly threatening when you are so attached to your T. I also had to endure a rather long vacation of his during this past Christmas holiday. I really struggled with his going away having all kinds of emotions about it and this is where having this forum became invaluable to me. You can check out my old thread "T is going on vacation and I'm freaking". Being able to come here and share my feelings with everyone about his absence was life-saving. To hear everyone's experiences with this and hearing their support and suggestions to cope was invaluable. During his absence I did have some email contact with my T which helped a little but I needed more support and I found that here. I also want to add, that, it was also a time where we had been doing really good work, I was processing some trauma and felt really connected to him and was really fearful I would lose that. Aside from that I felt abandoned, and terrified that he would not come back or that he would come back and be a different person... that going away would change him somehow and we would lose our connection. Well he did come back and we did have to spend some time resolving my anger at his leaving me but it all worked out. He was the same empathic, caring, wonderful man that he was when he left.

So please, do not hesitate to talk to us here and to share your feelings. Aside from that, having a contact plan with your T will truly help make the time pass for you in the best possible way.

TN

Hi Moro-
I really can't add much more, other than to reiterate how understanding the people here are. Use this site- start a thread- about your concerns. AG mentioned having a voicemail from your T that you can listen to, well that makes sense to me. I am embarrased to admit how many txts I have saved in my phone from my T. I use these as affirmations for when I get triggered or insecure about something.
Keep us posted.

Hi Moro sending you hugs!

I know what you mean about the inner child is screaming. When this happens for me it is so confusing and feels so out of control. When the inner child is triggered by circumstances that I am unable to control that is scary. I guess we spend a huge amount of time and energy in doing anything we can to protect and prevent being triggered. When our T does something that is a completely normal thing for a person to do but is so out of our control, that is terrifying - not being able to fix it.

But there can be healing here for you in this situation. It sounds like you are able to communicate your needs beautifully to your t and that she is attuned to you and really hears you and knows the perfect way to respond to you. How wonderful that she is caring and gentle and reassuring. Just what you need.

By being aware of your feelings now and how you are feeling panicky then perhaps you and your t could work out some ways for you to comfort the inner child and soothe her and reassure her while your T away. Like AG said with the blanket or voicemail. Or maybe some affirmations that you could practice before the break, or some massage or candles or organize some time with some soothing friends, movies, books, flowers, chocolate - and for me the most soothing of all is letting myself be sad and cry - easy said but very hard to do I know. Journalling is also very helpful and it helps you to realize that the time is passing and she will back soon.

We are here for you and will try and help you through this time.

Hi Curious, I just want to add that I would be having the very same reaction if I were in your shoes. I didn't used to be so attached to my T, but I'm caught in that place right now. I see my T twice a week, like you, and I still find myself often needing to text her between sessions. When we have a phone session it is hard not being able to make that physical connection with her. My T says a lot of it has to do with object permanence and object constancy. I don't know if you are familiar with these terms. I am just learning about it. An example of lack of object permanence is when you can't hold onto a comforting image of your T after you leave a session. You might even feel that she has disappeared and no longer exists. Hence the panic.

Example: I asked my T at my last session if I could take a picture of her with my camera phone because I was bothered that I couldn't visually remember her face between sessions. (She had actually brought up the possibility of a picture several sessions ago, but it took me awhile to gather my courage and ask.) My T said if I REALLY thought I needed it then she would oblige, but there was a danger that it would interfere with me learning object permanence. I was upset that she was discouraging me, but we sort of compromised by me agreeing to postpone my decision to see how I managed without the photo over the weekend. Nevertheless, after I walked out the door at the session's end, I had a panic meltdown. And this while knowing I was scheduled to see her again on Monday. I can't imagine the mess I would be if I were facing 4-6 weeks.

I feel for you and know it will be a challenge. I understand your need to have your T live in person. But I am relieved that at least you will have some form of ongoing contact with her. It will help better than nothing at all. I hope you can feel free to write here on the forum for additional support during this time. Take care!

Thank you all so much for taking the time to offer me support. It REALLY helps. Just to know I am not crazy and alone makes all the difference.

I met with my T yesterday and again we talked about how scared I am to be apart from her. She is so understanding and attuned to me and my fears that I in some way feel guilty that I'm such a wreck and she has to be so worried and sad for me. I know that probably sounds weird, but I am the queen of guilt and find ways to be guilty over just about everything!

Other BIG reason for my panic about her having knee surgery is that just 1 month ago, my cousin died suddenly from a blood clot after having surgery for a broken leg. It has been a terrible loss for me because I was so close to her. As you can imagine, having my T have surgery on her leg is sending my anxiety through the roof. I know what happened to my cousin is extremely rare, and that there are risks with all surgeries but that doesn't help to calm my nerves. Also, this past Friday my daughter had ankle surgery and I spent the day at the hospital worrying about her (she's healing and just fine) but being in the hospital triggered terror in me about my T and her being gone.

It was kind of funny because the hospital chaplain was for some reason hanging out in the waiting area and kept asking me if I was okay. I kept smiling at her saying, "thanks, but I'm fine." She kept persisting and I was actually getting a little annoyed. I then had a little chuckle imagining blurting out, "No, I'm not fine because my Therapist is leaving me for 4-6 weeks and I'm "in love with her" and won't be able to survive." And then I imagined throwing myself on the floor and throwing a tantrum. Wonder if she would have called up to the psychiatric ward to look for a bed for me. Guess you have to keep your sense of humor in all this!!

Again, thanks for all your calming/soothing ideas and suggestions. I think I will try some of them, but I think the most soothing thing will probably be writing to all of you as you seem so wonderful! I will have to force myself to keep pressing the post button.