Hi All
I've been missing in action from here for a few weeks - but I've been doing some really good work with my T. Today I feel good about therapy and feel that perhaps we will all get there (wherever there is!) after all!
A few weeks ago, I posted the below in this thread:
quote:
This whole idea of having had a "bad parent" - which had to make the other parent the "good parent" is me.
And then you realise that the "good parent" - the one that you idealised - turns out not to be as good as you originally thought. The "good" parent is falling off their pedestal. After all, had a parent been so "good", surely they would have managed the home situation much better in the first place so there didn't need to be a "bad" parent (ie: they could have stood up to the bad parent, made the bad parent get help, put boundaries in place etc).
So the bad parent was bad and the supposedly good parent is not so good after all.
Let me expand on the above.
I had idealised my dad growing up. I thought he was wonderful. I thought he was good and safe and perfect. In comparison, my mum has been ill – suffering with depression & anxiety – and struggling so much with her own life that she had little energy left for tending to her children in a loving, nurturing and consistent manner. The most troubling part with mum is her lack of insight regarding depression & anxiety and it's impact on her and those around her.
So I guess dad had to be the “good” parent because Mum certainly wasn’t capable of that role most of the time.
When I started therapy, we spent the first few years working through my relationship with my mum. I eventually gave her a letter acknowledging the impact her health has had on me and the fact that I would be putting boundaries around our relationship to protect me (ie: I would no longer let her dump all her fears & worries on to me). It’s been 2.5 years since I gave her that letter and I am so much happier for not having to take on or hear Mum’s issues any longer. We don't catch up much anymore but I am healthier this way.
But then my T and I started discussing Dad. I almost wondered what was there to discuss. I mean he was PERFECT. What had he done wrong (other than marry a woman who had significant emotional issues)?
Anyway, my T has made me realise the following:
- Dad must have had his own stuff going on in order to have entered a relationship with someone in the first place who is often so unwell and so removed from reality
- Dad had an obligation to take care of his two children (my sister & I) when we were growing up. If Mum was too unwell to brush my hair before I went to school, Dad should have stepped up and done it.
- Dad should have taken responsibility and insisted that Mum get professional help instead of burying his head in the sand.
I now realise through my work with my T that Dad wasn't nearly wonderful as I had originally thought - he just used "avoidance" and "denial" as his coping mechanisms most of (or even all of) the time.
I am so angry right now with my Dad. I can’t believe how in denial I have been. I can’t believe how in denial he has been. I can’t believe that I put him up on a pedestal when I now realise as a parent myself that he could have – and should have – done so much more to protect our family unit. Clothing, feeding & providing shelter isn’t enough – and certainly isn’t where the role of parenting ends. I am so angry. I am so angry. I can’t believe I am so angry. Have I mentioned I’m ANGRY?!
But my T said that feeling “angry” is great because she said “it’s real, it’s here & now, it’s an appropriate feeling, and it’s so much better than me being in denial, zoned out & avoiding”.
I think my dad has picked up on my change in feelings about him. It’s hard to hide. I want to talk to him (he’s 80 years old now) but it feels like he is annoyed with me and is siding with my mother. I mean Dad & I have previously caught up on our own for coffees, etc – and I guess I had been hoping to do that again with him to try and obtain some more information about my childhood – but instead he has put up a wall – and has even said that mum & he were pretty much in it (ie: their relationship / life) together and that if I want to see him, mum needs to be invited too.
So as T's do, my T was hypothesising that perhaps Dad’s sudden resistance to meeting with me alone is because he is sensing something is up and wants to avoid a confrontation. That he has a vested interest in maintaining the role of the "good" parent. My T said that my Dad has actually got off quite lightly as Mum has shouldered nearly all of the blame / responsibility for my upbringing - when in fact he was equally responsible for my upbringhing. My T said perhaps, unconsciously, he is now appearing more vulnerable to me (ie: he is playing the "80 year old" card which wouldn't be an issue except I have evidence to suggest what he is telling me isn't accurate in terms of his health / abilities, etc) b/c he is in fact presenting himself as more vulnerable to aoivd a confrontation. My T said she doesn't know if any of the above is / isn't the case but she wonders about his sudden change of position.
I can't help but think that my T is a very wise woman - who so far has been pretty much on the ball with these types of matters to date. It's just an awful, yucky feeling to think that - even unconsciously, this is how he is reacting to me. I guess deep down I now know that this is exactly how he copes – by denying and avoidiing - and I have way too many examples to support that this is way of handling issues. How can I have been so blind for all these years?
I want to discuss this all with my dad but it’s like being a little girl again and terrified of either disappointing him or finding out he can be just as frightening and inconsistent as mum was. But at then end of the day I am now an adult. In my case, I don’t think there was a “good” or “bad” parent. I had two parents, with their own major issues (probably brought about in part by their own upbringings) who failed a little girl in so many ways and so many times. Yes, they are human but to that little girl they were everything. They were her parents.
I'll let you know if I have any luck catching up with Dad in the near future. Thanks for reading!
I'm OK