So I saw T today and I had sent T a debrief after our last session and let her know about the memory that Little Kate had switching from being hers to mine and she was/is me (at the time of processing). She was very moved by it and said so and said that she was concerned about how I was doing with owning this as mine.

I was feeling avoidant today. Well, T wanted to talk about how I was feeling about this memory being mine. This led to a discussion about whether or not I can believe my memories. So, I left thinking that I was mad at my T and feeling like she invalidated my memories and really didn't believe me. I thought that was what I heard and what I was mad about.

I wanted so badly to be mad at her. To put this all at her feet and tell her that she was wrong and she was invalidating me. Turns out, what I was really mad about was that she didn't agree with me when I said that my parents must be right and I'm just crazy. I wanted her to behave like them and tell me that I'm crazy and that these horrible things DID NOT HAPPEN. She didn't. So I'm angry because I am still left here holding the bag. The bag of these horrible things that happened to me that I have to own as mine and I don't want to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STRM, I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. I may be on the wrong track here but..I can understand wanting to go back and believe it was all just a bad dream and that these things did not happen or even wanting our Ts to "make it not have happened". And it angers us in a way because we cannot get what we want. We cannot make it all go away or never happen and when our Ts acknowledge the trauma it makes it so much more real and that is hard to deal with. I know for myself, I just wish I did make it all up so I can just make it all go away. Or I want my T to make it go away and make me someone else... someone who grew up normally and happily and he can't do that I get angry at him.

But STRM, it's okay to feel that anger and even if you were angry at your T she would understand it.

Thanks for letting us know how you are feeling and how your session went today.

Hugs to you
TN

STRM

quote:

what I was really mad about was that she didn't agree with me when I said that my parents must be right and I'm just crazy. I wanted her to behave like them and tell me that I'm crazy and that these horrible things DID NOT HAPPEN. She didn't.

Difficult area for me too - it is about the only time I get frustrated with my T as well. In my case I am desperate for my T to tell me I am bad, like my abuser did...so we have endless discussions about if she would ever tell me if she thought I was....but she will only say that I wasn't bad in any way shape or form. That's not my point, I need to know that she would tell me if I was....she seems to just need to tell me that I 'm not. She has always told me she will always tell me the truth, and always has - it somehow though would be much easier for me to have her say that she thinks I am as bad as I feel myself

starfish