So I had a thoroughly awful T session last night. I explained my whole torment over his 'unwanted' theory and was shocked when my T asked, "where did this idea emanate from?" I was totally stunned. I said, "Where did it emanate from?! It emanated from YOU!!!" Did he actually FORGET that he's the one who planted this idea in my head???

What followed was a confusing, back-pedaling "clarification" about what he said/meant. By this time I had become so activated and foggy that I had a hard time following him. Basically he went back over the information and suggested that my dad was probably not thrilled that my mom was pregnant again and that she also may have had mixed feelings about it...so unwanted in that sense. Fine, I accept that, but it doesn’t explain why he wouldn’t know (or forgot) where this idea "emanated" from.

After talking some more, he said, "can we say that you felt unwanted?" Well, sure, we can say that all you want, it doesn’t change the fact that you just went from I was unwanted to I felt unwanted. Get your f-ing facts straight, man!!

I told him that I was really not OK with changing from one story to another, and he fell back on old reliable, "well, it's not that black and white." If I hear that lame excuse again I'm gonna vomit. Right now it just seems like code for, "you're never really going to get any straight answers about any of this."

So today I'm twice as confused as I was before, and my trust in my T is shot. If he actually FORGOT that he's the one who came to the conclusion that I was unwanted, I don't know what to do. I can't see such a mistake as forgivable.

Or, maybe in asking this question he was seeing if I had integrated the idea as my own yet, but I don't think so. He's not one to play games.

Or maybe I'm over-reacting.

Russ

HB,

You're totally right. I need to calm down and just talk to him about it. I tend to freak out (obviously) but I've calmed down a little bit since last night and this morning.

Your point about "staying with the confusion and see where it takes you" is really important. I tend to forget that misunderstandings, mixups and confrontations in the course of getting the story right is part of the story.

Thanks so much.
Russ

Russ,
I totally get your aggravation with your T forgetting he is the one who brought this whole unwanted idea up in the first place. My T and I encountered a similar problem over a diagnostic term she used and forgot that she used, and when I brought it up she reacted the same way, "Where did that come from?"
..."Uh, YOU! I never heard it before you mentioned it to me several weeks ago where else would I upull that out of?"
And she was like "Oh that's not good. That was my mistake then."
"UH...YEAH! And all this time you've been having accusing thoughts that I dreamed this up?" I was pretty pissed, but I guess in this case I once again have to make room for her humaness.

*I might attach a sticky note to her forehead someday that says, "Rememeber, I am only human." And maybe I should take down my shrine of her while I am at it. *

Since some of us tend to be more highly suggestable than others, I think its easy for us to pick up an idea and make more of it then it is was intended to be sometimes. This is especially true with our T's whom we accept much of what they say as gospel anyway. I don't know about you, but I have been sensitive this way most of my life. It's that whole black and white code we live by. I think this is an opportunity for you to work through old engrained habits.

I like what HB said at the end of her post

quote:

stay with the confusion and see where it takes you, this is as important as it feels.

I am sorry for how much frustration this causes you Russ, but as usual you seem to calm down and you are always willing to reason through it. You are very open minded and reasonable and that is a great quality.

Thanks, JM. I am going to talk with him about it again tomorrow. I just need to know if he did actually forget or if we just had some kind of miscommunication, because I think it's kind of like placing a hand grenade in someone's lap and then forgetting you left it there. If he did forget, it will make me really angry with him, and that will be good because I have such a hard time expressing anger toward him, so either way something good should come of it.

Cheers,
Russ

quote:

I was pretty pissed, but I guess in this case I once again have to make room for her humaness.

Russ

I'm thinking that pretty much most of us have a story of our T's saying something and then not remembering it. They do see a lot of people each day. When I repeated something back that my T had said about a month before that, she said "I never said that." I said, "Yes you did." So she apologized and said that IF she had said that, it was a mistake. HA! One for me. *about a billion for her *

Anyway, I agree with everyone else, that this is something you need to pursue with your T. It sounds like something very significant for you.

PL

quote:

I think it's kind of like placing a hand grenade in someone's lap and then forgetting you left it there.

GREAT analogy Russ, mind if I use it with my T? LOL!

But I say GO FOR IT with the anger! Even though it may be directed at him, it will still get to the heart of your anger with your parents. It's good. I hope you can tap into it. This could be textbook transference at work. I had a similar session using my anger with one of my T's remarks to lunge into my anger with my dad. It felt good and I think she liked it in a rather peculiar way.

Take care,
JM

quote:

If he did forget, it will make me really angry with him, and that will be good because I have such a hard time expressing anger toward him, so either way something good should come of it.

That's the way to look at the silver lining! I think you're right, directing some anger at your T may be very enlightening.

BTW, thank you so much for the link to the poem, Russ, it is particularly meaningful and I bookmarked it.

AG - thank you so much for your response. It really, really means a lot.

JM - Thank you too. I do feel very welcome and wanted here. This is the only place I'm not really afraid to talk and show the "real me." My H is a difficult situation. My T says that I'm becoming healthier and he may not be willing to make the changes necessary to be part of a healthy relationship. He is making some effort, so while I'm not entirely hopeful, I'm not ready to give up. And his family, that's where I have found the most love and acceptance as I've ever had. Unfortunately, they may not be so understanding about this entire situation, and I can't really talk to them openly about it all.

quote:

You have so much to offer and you don't even see it, do you? (((OW)))

Thanks so much JM. This brought tears to my usually dry eyes. I think I do see it, I just don't think other people do (JUST like my family never saw it, and still don't). It's nice to think that you think I have a lot to offer.

OW

I really do believe that OW. I am sorry if the H is having difficulty getting on board with a healthy relationship, but don't let that stop you.
JM

quote:

Originally posted by Hummingbird:

This has been niggling me since last night and i wanted to say something about it. I have very intense emotions and went through many years of my life trying to calm down. Unfortunately, what i didn't realise for a long time is that when i hear calm down, it means, avoid, deny, excuse, minimize or rationalize to me.

And what i have come to realise is that i don't want necessarily to be calmer, it would be like taking the waves out of the ocean and having a nice stagnant dead pool. I want to learn to surf the waves, so that when one hits me i don't get planted upside down under water. And that is what my T has been doing, giving me surfing lessons in a way . He has been teaching me how to keep my balance when a huge wave is knocking me off my feet. For some reason, it seemed important to clarify that.

*sound of nail being hit on the head*

quote:

OW, it is so hard growing and changing inside our family situation. When your own sense of self is so fledgling how do we contain the emotions of people around us? At one time i started to feel that my growth was causing suffering to my husband and it felt like a catch 22, one of us had to suffer, me or him. It was a trap, i couldn't stay where i was but i couldn't see a way to go further and it made me doubt what i was doing.

For me the lesson was about not taking responsibility for other people and their feelings. At the end of the day i am responsible for myself and my behaviour. There came a point when i could see that the difficulties my husband was going through belonged to him and were not my fault.

Man, this is exactly what I'm going through with my parents. They've been great in trying to be supportive, but they don't understand what I'm going through and they don't understand why I'm challenging them on the facts of my history and they are frustrated and confused. They "just want me to get better," as if I've got some kind of disease.

For my part, I'm afraid they'll "give up on me" and disown me or something. This is ridiculous of course, but it's not to my 7 year old self.

Russ

quote:

Originally posted by Just Me:


When I get like that sometimes I pull my hair, scratch myslef or bite myself. Is that the same as cutting? I know I shouldn't do that, I know it is wrong, but I feel like I need to at the time.

I don't eve know who I am anymore. I am not the same person. It is scary.
JM

I am so sorry you are going through so much pain. I can deff relate to you

This year is the first year I felt strong enough to go into therapy and actually work on my demons.

My mom is very sweet...yet was never there for me emotionally and told me things she should never have. As a younger person she told me my dad wanted her to have an abortion when she was pregnant with me and that her dad wanted her to have one too.

That stayed in me forever. I will never forget that remark. However I am learning in therapy that I am not BAD and I am GOOD... It is just a neg message put in my head..

I know your family didn't give you what you deserved, but you are so strong and if they don't support you than you are better off without them. They are missing out on a great person.

I know what feeling self hatred is... hurting yourself, because you feel so unwanted and bad. But you have support on here and a therapist (I think you said you had one).

It BLOWS that we have to nurture our inner children, to go through this process and to deal with this CRAP that our parents put on us...

neways I also get what feeling like you don't know who you are anymore. For me its like I lived a lie my whole life and now that I am facing the past.. I am a hollow person walking around in a body I HATE!!

it will get better... the pain has to be felt in order to get to the good stuff =( Sorry.. feel better!!