I just received some information from my oldest sister a few minutes ago. We have not been able to talk in a very long time because I find it hard to deal with anyone in my family lately. So sad to say she has had no clue how bad things have really been for me this past year.

Well in "filling her in" with what is going on with me she decided to confirm some of my feelings of resentment I always sensed from my father in my youth. The man used to give me the meanest dirtiest looks, and seemed disgusted at my very presence. Of course my mother inisisted he didn't feel that way and that "it was just the alcohol talking." I always felt that he did hate and resent me, but how do you confirm that really? Well, my sister finally did. Apparently my dad went through a phase where he wanted to give me up to my oldest sister and her husband and let them raise me so he and my mom could travel. Huh, that's nice. I guess I don't know what I am feeling. The feelings aren't much different oother than confirmation and validation to them have been given. I don't know if I am in shock over that and numb. I don't know if I should cry? How should I feel knowing that all I ever felt was true. Angry? There is certainly justification for that.

Ok so I understand that he was 40 years old by the time I came along with four other children from the ages of 6-17, including a very rebellious, violent, drug addicted 15 year old son. But what I can't understand is arguing with my mother about it and insisting I would be ok.

There's a nice kick in the @$$! So what am I? I feel sort of numb, I don't know what thisis or where it's going.

Not to mention I had some more flashabcks last night and quite a hard downward spiral to a very dark place I have not been in a very long time.

When I get like that sometimes I pull my hair, scratch myslef or bite myself. Is that the same as cutting? I know I shouldn't do that, I know it is wrong, but I feel like I need to at the time.

I don't eve know who I am anymore. I am not the same person. It is scary.
JM

JM,
I am so sorry, no one should have to hear that a parent felt or behaved that way and it breaks my heart that you did.

I want you to know that the problem is not in the person you are or your worth, it is a fault, a serious defect, in your father's vision. That he would be so selfish as to put his own desires ahead of his child's wellbeing is sickening. I know how much you love your daughter, I want you to think about EVER putting something as trivial as traveling ahead of taking care of her. You would never in a million years.

The fault lies with him, not with you. X 10,000. I am so sorry you're heading to a dark place, please keep posting here. You are entitled to however you're feeling, sad, abandoned, angry, relieved, but no matter what it is, you should be able to feel it and express it. And I don't want you to hurt yourself in order to express your feelings. You deserve so much more.

I am so angry at your father's selfishness and how much damage I know this is doing to you. I cannot imagine EVER, EVER wanting to give away a person like you, I would be forever grateful for the blessing it would be to have you as a daughter, and so proud to call you mine.

And you may not feel like the same person but that's because you're dealing with people who don't see the person you are. Who are not capable of it. You are a strong, intelligent, compassionate, funny, insightful woman. You're strength and courage are both incredible. I am proud to call you my friend.

Please try to take care of yourself, snd we're here for whatever you need or whatever we can do.

AG

JM,

It would be really hard to hear something like that. I wouldn't know what to think. I'm really sorry that you'd have to hear your sister say something like that.

Please remember though that, as selfish as people can be and as unfeeling as that was to want, it's not who you are today. You're an amazing person that I'm happy to even _know_, without the honor of being related to.

I hope that you feel like you can post what you're feeling here, and please try to be as good to yourself as I know you'd want... as good as you'd want AG to be to herself! There, that should say it right.

Oh JM, I am so sorry you had to hear that. Please try to remember that it is his failing as a parent, not you. You are an amazing, supportive, considerate, generous (and all those things AG said too) person that I am lucky to consider a friend. Your father obviously never had any idea who you really are, his loss.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this pain, plus the pain of your flashbacks. Please remember that we all are here, we look forward to hearing from you, and we all care a great deal about you.

OW

Despite all his dirty looks and the way he made me feel, I guess I really never expected that there was a time period that he didn't want me. This feels so unsettling. How can you not want your own child? How can a parent be that selfish?

I never thought to ask my sister if my mother wouldn't have objected to that if her and her husband would have taken me in.

I find this so hurtful. And I thought every thing was normal...typical. (I always thought there was something wrong with ME!) I didn't know that life was supposed to be any different. This is all I knew.

Your comments are very heartwarming. You all say such nice things. Thank you.

I called and left my T a message about it, then I wondered if she would think, "so. big deal. Why are you surprised?" But she wouldn't think that would she? This is as bad as it feels isn't it??

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Just Me,

quote:

then I wondered if she would think, "so. big deal. Why are you surprised?" But she wouldn't think that would she?

Of course she would never think that! Not in a million years. You know she wouldn't, well at least the part of you that knows her and connects with her in such a meaningful way knows that so listen to her OK, not the vampires in your head that are frolicking about having a grand ole time with this new information from your sister. Those vampires are not you, they are the LIES you were told and lies are ever so much more convincing when there is some truth about them. What your sister told you is good fodder for the lies but your T sees through the lies and she knows you and cares about you and she would never think that this is no big deal.

quote:

This is as bad as it feels isn't it??

JM

First of all, let me say that I am so sorry you are going through this. No child should ever be made to feel unwanted and you have to believe that you had nothing to do with your father's behavior.

Secondly, however you are feeling about this IS how it feels. You have every right to feel what you feel and no one can tell you otherwise. That being said, I hope you can find a way to soothe yourself other than hurting yourself. You are strong and courageous and brave and kind and all the other things that everyone else has said. How awesome is it, that you are such an amazing person in spite of a really crummy childhood?

I know that your T would never say that this is "no big deal." You have a wonderful T and she will be there for you as long as you need her. My thoughts are with you, let us know how you are doing. We all really care about you.

PL

(((((HB))))
Of course it is ok. I will share my thread with you, although I am sorry I have to because I am sorry of the pain you are enduring. I am sorry for the pain every one is enduring for their need to be here. Although I am extremely grateful to have such extraordinary friends who have shown far more genuine care and concern for me than all of my family members put together. HB, As you describe your father as such a kind, loving, gentle father, it seems like a foreign concept to me to know what that would be like. How frightening it must have been to fear losing him all the while being abandoned by your mother especially during a time when you need her to "show up" instead of pursuing her selfish goals.

I never realized how selfish my father is. Some of his least endearing qualities are harder to deny, but the family lies and excuses made a lot of room for him to be selfish and to stay that way while everybody sat back and took it because he is an alcoholic. That's true he is, but alcohol doesn't make you selfish, manipulative, lying, cheating, gambling, hurtful, and abusive. It just accentuates them.

I spent my entire life feeling that he loved me less than some of my siblings. He was jealous of my relationship with my mom. I don't think because I favored her more, I think it is because she favored me over him and resisted his attempts to get rid of me. (How dare she not be willing to give up her youngest child for the freedom to travel about with a cheating, womanizing drunk!)I used to hear them screaming in the middle of the night and him accusing her of always protecting me and taking my side. I always wondered what he meant by my side. Now I know. Though I was lied to so much and made to deny my feelings that I am now in shock to learn it really was true after all. He favored my sisters especially. My oldest sister was the MPC (most precious child) to both of my parents and she could do no wrong. My other sister was catered to because she had such a horribly hard life and needed everyone to feel sorry for her as she lived out the consequences of her mistakes of which I had to suffer from as well. My dad babied her and doded over and cried for her. Still does. To say she had him wrapped around her finger is an understatement. He was sort of that way with my oldest brother, protecting and defending his outrageous behavior (still does), and my other brother much less forgiving of, but he was a boy nonetheles and boys get certain perks and allowances to be boys. So just where DID that leave me? And yet the man frequently says "he never favored any of his children." Apparently he hasn't convinced himself of that either. I'm done with the lies. I hate them. I see no need for lies. I never have even though I was forced to live them. I was always the one who would DARE to speak up and point out the inconsistencies and make fiery comments and jokes about the "elephant in the room." My older brother said I was hilarious and made everyone laugh hysterically, that even dad had to laugh at the honesty in my humor, but sometimes the truth was too painful for him and he recalls that my dad slapped me so hard one time that I fell out of my chair at the dinner table. "Could you pass the salt?"

When I think about what a precarious existence I really had, I wonder how I got here today. It's remarkable that I am still intact.

(((((((((HB))))))))) & (((((((((JM))))))))))))

I am literally at a loss for words. It is sometimes breathtaking, the damage that can be done by those who should love and cherish us. You both deserved so much better than you had. It is a testament to your spirit and strength that you are both striving to overcome this, to rise above this, and not be trapped by these circumstances.

I am humbled by knowing the incredible loving generous people you are also knowing that it grew out of such poisoned soil.

If you can not hear anything else, hear that the problem lay with the people that your parents were and the choices that they made, and had nothing to do with who you were.

I wish I could both give you a real hug.

And HB, you're father sounds wonderful, I am so glad that you have him.

AG

((((HB)))

((((JM))))

I can't help but to think of my conversations I've had with my dad about his remorse and how I forgave him. Is this supposed to be included in that since I didn't know about the "family secret" before? (Every one knew but me)Because as far as I am concerned right now, I am not there with this. Maybe some day I will be, but right now I am not. I'm not ready to forgive, I have to be true to MY feelings first.

And I called my sister back and asked her if it had come to that would she and her husband have taken me in? She said she can't remember if the discussion ever went that far, but she'd have to think about it and get back with me.

Oh, ok... NICE!

My T called me back this morning and expressed disgust with the idea that my father would even consider it and agreed that this does in fact explain a lot of my emotions and belief patterns.

quote:

I don't know if was the same for you but i have spent so much of my life thinking it was me and I hope this acknowledgement from your sister brings you some peace of mind that you did not make this up or misunderstand. The knowing must hurt like hell but the relief of knowing that you can trust yourself and your judgement, for me, has been a huge step in the right direction.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! I was the defective one because I sensed all of this and yet every one told me it was not true! I already felt and believed I was not wnated and that he resented me. You could cut the resentment with a knife and yet it was denied. This is absolute liberation people! I am doing better now than I even realize I am. I am hurting, but the shock seems to be providing a soft enough cushion for every bump on the way down on the emotional elevator. "Next floor: lingere, furniture, houewares, and all sorts of heavy breakables to throw at your FOO."

HB, I am glad you have such a wonderful dad and that you had such a nice conversation. You both deserve that. SEE! It isn't such a far fetched idea for parents to step up to the plate and ....PARENT! That's the way it should be and I am glad you and your sister at least had that and each other.

LOL! We did it again HB! No worroies on your post being inappropriate. NOT at all! I am happy for you. What kind of person would that make me if I can't find happiness for others?

Yeah, I already survived the worse. The fact that I had to live with that man and be subjected to that miserable life. I'm already a survivor. The survivors of the Titanic didn't have to dive down to the wreck site to remember they survived either. Our testimony is better than that.

quote:

I just want to say thank you for being here with me right now. We are walking two different paths on two different journeys but it is really good to have some company. Here's to liberation.

I'd drink to that, but I don't think that would be a good idea. So I'll just say "ME TOO!" **hiccough!**

((((HB)))) and ((((JM)))),

I am so sorry for your parents and their inability to care for you. It is clear to an outsider that was their problems and had nothing to do with you. Thank you for sharing your stories,