I love your special logic, HB. Thank you And thanks for reminding me that my actually reaching out is important. That in the past I would not have done that. There would have been no one I trusted enough to reach out to

Alas, the snow did cancel the appointment but I have another one tomorrow afternoon and I did talk to my T for a few minutes and tell him how I was feeling. We don't usually communicate well via phone for some reason but this call went fairly well and it was good just to hear his voice. He told me to feel free to email him any thoughts or feelings I wanted to share before tomorrow. Or to let him know if I needed anything. I felt better after our short chat.

My self-esteem is fragile on a good day and so that trigger I ran into this weekend really set me back or actually threw me into the black hole of despair. I am slowly trying to climb back out. Thanks for your advice and wise words.

TN

TN:
So sorry you are having such a hard time. Just remember this will not last. The knowledge that the bad days are temporal is all that keeps me going some days. But that's all it takes. After a day or 2, I can't remember the actual pain anymore, only that i'd had a really bad day ( or 2).
I'm glad you were able to speak to your T and get a little bit of reassurance today. I am hoping your session tomorrow will be just what you are needing to pull you on out of that black hole.
this was recommended to me only recently. it made sense so i will share with you. It is not your job to make your therapist like you (and believe me when i say that i know we want them to). and it is not your therapist's job to judge you. it is his job to listen empathetically and offer the "unconditional positive regard" that perhaps you did not get at some other stage of your life. the more you are able to experience that with him (like on the phone today), the easier it will be for you to start believing you deserve that kind of treatment. and you DO deserve to have your needs met!!
Imagine if I was the one having the bad day(s) What would you say to me? you have given me some pretty good encouragement/advice in the past. you deserve the same good treatment!!! you are worth it!!!