Hi there,
Been creeping around this forum for about a month now, and finally have decided to give posting a shot... I found this place after google directed me to myshrink when i was desperately trying to better understand the transference i was experiencing with my T. Seeing everyone so open and supportive on this forum has been very validating for me... And some very thought provoking insights too... Hoping to participate a little more openly from now on.

I've been thinking a lot about connecting with my T outside of sessions. We do use phone and email for practical purposes (changing appointments mostly- my work schedule sometimes changes abruptly which my T is very understanding about)... And i'm a little sheepish to admit that i sometimes will get in touch with her just to connect, under the guise of looking for a new appointment time, or forgetting mine
"Hi L, I can't remember if we're meeting at 2 or 230 on tuesday? Can you call me? k thanks!" Although i can never bring myself to answer when she calls back!

To be honest, it never occured to me that I might actually be allowed to check in with her between sessions, either by phone or email... It's not something i would do every week or anything, maybe just once in awhile... I was curious about how those of you do - how did it come about? Did your T just offer it to begin with? Somehow the idea of asking her this is a little terrifying though...

thoughts?

Hi Side Control... welcome and glad you decided to join in here.

As for contact in between sessions. Well, I met my T through my son who was seeing him and one day I just decided to email him an update on my son's progress with some things we were working on. I got his email from his website. I told him I thought it would be less intrusive than a phone call. And so that's how it started. Very soon after he also became MY T and he told me I could email him when I needed something. At first my emails were sparse and short and for appointment changes but one day after a session where I felt very vulnerable I emailed him because I was feeling very exposed and scared. He emailed me back a few very comforting words. And so it began. He has told me it's okay to email and when I told him it made me feel like I was being too needy he reassured me that I was not needy and I did not abuse the email privelege.

I would guess I email him 3-4 times a month. He has also emailed me unsolicited for appointment changes. I definitely email him more than I call him. I still struggle with being "allowed" to have phone calls in between sessions. He has voice mail so I usually just leave a message if I do call.

I think it's very common and perfectly understandable to want contact and connection in between sessions. The reason we struggle with it is because we are not used to asking for what we need and in getting our needs met. We feel we don't deserve it or that we are asking too much or we are bothering our T and they will be annoyed with us and then want to get rid of us. All of which is untrue.

I think this is something you should bring up in session. Tell your T that there are times you feel you need a connection to her in between sessions and is it okay to call or email for that. There are times I just really email to say "are we okay?" or "are you still there?" and he will respond and I will feel hugely better and relieved.

So talk about it. You will feel so much better having it out there in the open. If it terrifies you to ask just put it in an email or write it down and read it to her when you get there. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

TN

Hi Side Control
Glad you joined us, and believe me, your reason for joining is the exact same reason I joined and probably the same for many others. Finding out that you are "normal" for having transference for your T is an amazing and very freeing feeling.

About the phone calls, after 2+ years I still struggle with this. I am getting better and recently told her that I feel like I am bothering her. She said to look at it as making a connection. She always calls me back when I ask her to as she knows how hard it is for me to call. Sometimes I just leave her a message because I want to let her know something, or get something out of my brain, or just give her an FYI so maybe she will bring it up at the next session.

Since this is my first experience with therapy, I had no idea that you could call your T between sessions. One time, well into therapy, something bad happened over the weekend and when I told her about it at my next session she said, "Why didn't you call me?" What????? I can call you!!!!!!!!! I had no idea!!! Well, that was the start for me, but as I said, it is still difficult and so I really don't abuse it.

I have also written my feelings and mailed them to her before my next session. She doesn't do email. This has been really helpful because it is easier for me to write things than say them. The problem is though, we eventually talk about them. One time there was a holiday and she didn't get my letter. When I realized that she had not seen what I wrote, I got so flustered. She asked me to tell her what was in the letter. OMG that was hard! I think actually though, that was when I realized that I really could talk about anything to her. That is not to say it is easy by any means, but I have been able to say so much more to her.

You really should ask your T how she feels about contact between sessions. They all have different boundaries. Some only want you to call or only return calls at specific times. Some don't care when. It is all a matter of their preference. But if you know her policy, you will feel much more relieved. And remember if she is not open to contact between sessions, don't take it personally. It is just her policy.

Having this conversation with her though, will really help her to get to know your needs so that she can be present for you. All that you are feeling about this is something that we all feel or have felt at some time. Just trust your T to be able to handle it.
PL

hi welcome! Its ok to contact your therapist between sessions. I think that the easier it is to contact my therapist the more I do it. She decided to analyse it which annoyed me.

My T has now limited the ways how i can contact her which is really frustrating but it works out ok.

I contact her by phone a lot and it is harder it helps but not as much as seeing her. I dont get why..

Thanks for the warm welcome and input everyone… Much appreciated… Everybody’s given me a lot to think about…

True North - What you said about:

“I think it's very common and perfectly understandable to want contact and connection in between sessions. The reason we struggle with it is because we are not used to asking for what we need and in getting our needs met. We feel we don't deserve it or that we are asking too much or we are bothering our T and they will be annoyed with us and then want to get rid of us. All of which is untrue.”

Really got me thinking… It probably does have a lot to do with how I struggle to ask to get my needs met I think because I worry that my needs are self-absorbed, selfish, or overly burdensome…


Hummingbird – your story made me giggle… Thanks for that… It kind of reminds me of this habit I had when I was a kid where I would always say “Can I ask you two questions? Okay that was the first one” because the question “Can I ask a question?” was always hilarious to me… Same with “May I speak?”


Puppy lover – It’s true about then you have to talk about it… One time in between sessions I wrote some thoughts down on a piece of paper (my T had actually asked me to do that) and brought them into the appointment with her, but then refused to share it ‘cause I knew that there would be an expectation that we would talk about it after…
Also, that’s for the comment “And remember if she is not open to contact between sessions, don't take it personally. It is just her policy.” ‘cause my biggest worry is that she’ll say no or that she’d rather I save it for the appointment… but really I guess that wouldn’t be the end of the world…

Emerald- Yeah, I can see how it would be super annoying to have contact overly analysed… I get annoyed by that stuff too sometimes…

Thanks everyone!

Hi Side Control,
Just wanted to say welcome to the forums, I'm glad to decided to post and introduce yourself. And I'm sure it came through loud and clear from everyone else, but its really normal to want that contact in between.

In my case, my T told me it was ok to call or email. And told me and told me and told me. I have a very hard time calling in between sessions and my T has really hit that hard with me and told me its important that I do contact him between sessions, that its an important part of my therapy. It's all about what TN talked about, being able to make my needs known and having them responded to.

My Ts contact policy in incredibly generous, I can call him at any time, on any day, including email on his vacations (as long as he's in contact; there's only been one vacation when he wasn't). And he knows how hard I struggle to contact him so he tells me at the end of every phone call, email and session that I should call him again if I need to. Gosh, and I wonder why I'm having a problem with transference?

I usually get in touch at least once between sessions and have been known to go as high as three times.

No matter what your Ts policy (and it does vary alot from T to T almost more than any other policy that I've seen) its really good to talk about you wanting to contact her. The boundaries, and our reactions to them, are always good to discuss.

AG

My T has encouraged me to call her and at first it helped but now it takes her so long to return my calls that I've just stopped doing it. It just sucks wondering for 8 hours if/when she is going to call me back. Plus I get much more nervous talking to her on the phone than I do in person so I don't always feel any better after we hang up. I sent her a few emails in the past but the last time our wires got so crossed about something I sent her and it took so long for me to work it all out that I don't think it is a good idea to do that anymore either.

I also really don't know how to depend on anyone really - especially not for emotional support. I can never decide when I should call, what I should say, if it is an emergency or not....etc, etc, etc. It is not that I don't want to depend on T for help but it is so stressful so I don't know how much it actually helps. I really need an in depth instruction manual.

River,
Having to wait 8 hours would be crazy making. My T gets back within one hour when I leave an "emergency" message, and that can feel like centuries! So I can understand why not calling sometimes feels like it makes more sense.

BUT (and you knew I would say this) it may be important for you to do it to learn how to depend on someone else. To experience that making a need known gets it met. That someone cares enough to respond. I think the more you experience it, the easier it gets (which is good because it's breath-takingly terrifying at first.) Would it be possible to talk to your T about how long she takes to get back to you? In any case, talking to her about you worrying when to call, what to say, what defines an emergency would probably all be good to talk about. (I know, I know, I'm a broken record, "talk to your T, talk to your T" then I struggle with calling. What can I say, it's a lot easier to see the right thing to do when it's not me. )

Being alone is NOT the best you can do.

AG

quote:

i found it easier to talk over the phone that face to face. So i called him and asked him what his policy was around phone calls

HB you're so cute!

Thank you for your response AG. I know I need to talk to my T about this - I need to talk to her about other things about our relationship too but it is the hardest subject for me to talk about.

There are so many times I would love to call to just say hi and know that she is there but these calls hardly constitute emergencies, do they?

quote:

There are so many times I would love to call to just say hi and know that she is there but these calls hardly constitute emergencies, do they?

Actually, River, it does. That's pretty much what most of my "emergency" calls are. I actually talked to my T way back in the day when I was struggling with calling and telling him I'd feel stupid calling and leaving a message I needed to talk to him and when he said hi! I'd say, that's all. He told me that because he knew me and what I was going through, he'd understand. We didn't have someone there, we didn't have someone to respond. We need to experience that.

My T has this great analogy that living in the US and getting hungry is no big deal. When you feel hungry, you can walk over to the fridge or know that dinner's in an hour. But if you live somewhere where there's no food and you're on the edge of starvation, getting hungry is a huge, scary deal because you don't know when and what you will eat, and you know its life and death. That's what reaching out if like for us. We could NEVER be assured that someone would be there, and it was life and death at the time.

Its easy to trivialize it, and reduce it to silly you just wanting to say hi, but in actuality, these are deep primitive needs calling out and needing contact with your attachment figure. Your T gets that and understands what's at stake.

So yeah, I hope it does constitute an emergency or I have been making a complete, total idiot of myself for some time now (not that that would suprise me, mind you!).

quote:

Its easy to trivialize it, and reduce it to silly you just wanting to say hi, but in actuality, these are deep primitive needs calling out and needing contact with your attachment figure. Your T gets that and understands what's at stake

Part of me understands and honors this but the part of me that controls my dialing hand refuses to admit that whatever I am feeling, calling T just isn't really that necessary.

quote:

It's not something i would do every week or anything, maybe just once in awhile... I was curious about how those of you do - how did it come about? Did your T just offer it to begin with? Somehow the idea of asking her this is a little terrifying though...

Hi, Side control. I don't think I've gotten the chance to say "welcome." ..."Welcome!"

Oddly enough, my T called _me_ first. *sproing/sound of worldbreaking* I cancelled an appointment with his answering service 'cause I was in a panic (it's funny _now_ ). I'm like, "I'm all panicky and scared! This is no time to see a T!" *sardonic grin* So, next day or so, he calls me back. He's like, "Sooooo.... I got some muttered reason for why you cancelled. Was it 'cause of ..oh I don't know...being scared?" (that's him, but with less flippancy. I can't do calmcoolcollected well.) I'm like "erm....yes."

So we ....rescheduled, which is quite sensible, and I learned that day that he knows how to use a phone! Same with email - I started getting emails from him telling me when the group was going to start, so I figured "Hm. He also has The Computer."

First time I actually called or emailed _him_, I was all scared and panicky and he didn't answer for 3 days 'cause (which I didn't know) he nips off on Fridays at noon 'cause he works 'til 8pm on Mondays.

/end mindless ramble

quote:

Part of me understands and honors this but the part of me that controls my dialing hand refuses to admit that whatever I am feeling, calling T just isn't really that necessary.

How about this? Give the side of you that honors it five chances. The next five times you want to call, ignore the part that refuses to admit you need to. Then write down what happens. At the end of those five calls, you can decide if it was a good thing to call or not. (I know I'm pushing really hard, and I can lend you the HTML slapper if you want to use it on me. An alternative would be to tell me to shut up.)

I nag because I care.

AG

quote:

I nag because I care.

I know and I love you for it.