quote:

I was wondering what you all would consider a "good" session with your T or P? Is it a light, chatty session? A deep emotional session? A neutral working session?

i don't know, haven't really been doing it for long enough to be having much of a clue. a good session for me is perhaps one where i manage to stay conscious and don't sidetrack into anything most of the time. remaining honest at least with myself even if i can't talk about what's happening at the time. which is really really hard.

Having anxiety at the moment.. saw T and now im feeling anxious and stressed out. Was a hard session and i really need to see her again. I hate this feeling.

Hi em

Yeah, I hate that feeling too. I'm sorry that you are going through it. Can you call her or email her?

The other thing you need to do is slooooooooowwww..... down your breathing. It will help with the anxiety. Close your eyes and just try to stay with long breaths coming in and long breaths going out. Try to picture yourself in a place that is calming for you. Once you are able to calm down the anxiety, you will be able to think things out much better.

Hope this helps. Let us know how you are doing.

PL

Em, call her and ask for another session. I've had to do that before and you have to let her know what you need because she has no way of knowing if you don't. It's ok, and like PL said
"breathe" Concentrate on every inhale and exhale and feel your stomach rise and fall.

I know this is hard.
JM

thanks. I dont think i will be able to get another session. Ive just stopped seeing her twice a weekand changed it to once a week and dont know if i will be too demanding by asking for a extra session. I worry about this even though she has told me not too worry about it.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I struggle with feeling too demanding too, no matter how many times my T tells me I am not. I wonder what it will take before we finally believe that it is ok and don't hesitiate to make our needs known. I find the more that I push myself to call or to ask for those extra sessions when I need them, it gets better.

Your T will understand that even though you just switched from two to one session per week that you might need an extra now and then, sort of a weaning process, if you will. She wont think you are weak or that you are regressing if that is what you are afraid of. You might feel that way, but she wont.

Hey Em,
I hope some of the anxiety has lessened for you and that you are feeling a bit better.

I am officially through my first 24 hours for this week, and I wanted to let you guys know that something really... strange happened. First of all, my T was on vacation last week so I went two weeks without seeing her- JM and Russ, you can get through it, look at me, I'm still alive! Of course, I fell apart while she was gone, got very overwhelmed and anxious, and called her a total of three times, but I made it and she came back from vacation like she said she would! Yea for reliability!

I digress... the strange part of this week is that I haven't felt the "OMG what do I do" feeling that I normally do after I see my T and go through initial T withdrawl. I left on Wednesday feeling very warm and safe, very secure with her, and... I almost don't want to even say it out loud... it's Thursday night and I STILL feel that way! I don't know how to describe the feeling, almost like she's holding me!?!?! Just very cozy and relaxed and comfortable with where I stand with her.

It's funny, too, because I went in to the appointment feeling more insecure with her than I ever have, very anxious and jumpy. Plus, I had a really scary flashback-like experience the night before my session (I had never had one of those before), so I was experiencing a lot of stress from that. It's just strange that I went in very insecure and came out very secure... I wonder if she slipped me some kind of "security" drug when I wasn't looking... *pondering if she was ever alone with my bottle of water... *

Anyway, it was a really good session, hard but good. It was the first time that I actually re-lived some true fear with her. I was so nervous about it I told her "I'm scared to be scared with you." LOL, how funny does that sound?! I don't know if this feeling will wear off sometime soon, but I hope not! It's unlike anything I have experienced before, and I'm kinda liking it!

-CT

CT,
Flashbacks are HELL aren't they? I wish you didn't have to go through them, but just keep rememebering that the incident(s) are old, they happened a long time ago and can no longer harm you. To experience a sense of safety in front of your T while recalling them is very cathartic. And CT, if you ever need any extra support through the flashbacks, I am right here. I've been through them and I am still having them sometimes. I'm no expert, but I can offer a sense of support when your T is not around.

quote:

I wonder if she slipped me some kind of "security" drug when I wasn't looking... *pondering if she was ever alone with my bottle of water...

You have to keep an eye on those T's every minute! They have many tricks up their sleeves.

I am glad you felt so good and secure with your T through this. It speaks highly of the trust and confidence you have worked so hard to develop. And when she was able to show you that SHE COULD contain your emotions when others were never able to do that, that allows for you to trust enough to let go even more. (Its a snowball effect) My experience is that as we continue to unearth traumatic memories, we will still feel the emotions that come with it, but it will be against the backdrop of security that you now know, and that security gets stronger every time you rely on it and the emotions are not as scary as they might otherwise feel. It is an amazing aspect of good therapy in motion.

Remember, I am here if youever need. I also posted quite a bit of my experience with flashbacks if it is not too triggering for you.

Hey JM

I don't even know if what I experienced the other night was a true flashback- my T said that is "probably an appropriate term for it," whatever that means! Thanks for the words of advice, and for your offer of support through them... if I keep having them. My T did say that if I can lessen some of my external stressors, it might help me not to get to that point in the future (the preceeding two weeks were very very very anxiety/fear ridden).

Either way, if it happens again or not, I am comfortable with it. Don't get me wrong, I'd prefer not to be up til 3 am, teeth chattering, flinching from something I thought was going to happen ten years ago while cats stare at me and wonder what the heck is going on and why I am out of bed! But, it felt like a HUGE release to talk to her about it, to go through it with her. And the great thing was that it was the night before my session, so I didn't have time to over-analyze it myself before I got to her. It was really amazing to work it out with her instead of feeling like I needed to figure it out before I got to her. I was very vulnerable so the containment you mention was really able to show itself that day.

I still can't believe that I was a able to describe to her such intense fear without her getting mad at me- my mom used to get mad at me for having feelings that didn't jive with hers. I told her (my T) I was afraid she was going to kick me out of therapy for being scared and insecure- which, when I say it now, sounds almost like an oxymoron, but to that little girl in me, that concept was crucial. My internal dialouge went something like this:

"oh, so my mother wasn't supposed to yell louder when I was terrified?... hmmmm... and all this time I thought I was stupid for being afraid... hmmmm... wait, now your saying that I can tell you how afraid I really am/was and you're not going to yell or tell me to shut the f*** up... you're not even going to get mad!?!... and you're not going to withdrawl from me and pretend like I don't exist until I make it up to you... WHAT? you're going to empathize with me?... but, but in order to empathize with me you have to think that my original feelings were valid...*silence*... *silence*... oooohhhhhh I think I get it..."

It still feels good by the way, and it's Friday night! Containment + acceptance = long lasting therapy-high!

-CT