I've been thinking about starting a thread on this topic for some time... mainly because it is something I really struggle with. Those first 24 hours after my session (on Monday...could you guess?? ) is agonizing. Even when nothing earth shattering has happened I feel like I've lost my right leg or something. I'm off balance and missing something, craving something so intensely that it just makes me crazy.

Last Monday after a very hard session dealing with some trauma I went back to work sobbing. Thank goodness I had a great friend to talk to who understood. But my overwhelming feeling was to get back into my car and drive back to T's office and beg him to hold me and protect me...I'm not sure from what. Those feelings lasted for days until I saw him again and told him my feelings and we talked for a half session.

Today, I left his office feeling mostly okay, even though we touched on transference and my feelings about therapy and coming to terms with whether or not this is a real relationship or am I just another patient who gets the same old lines from him. We talked and I thought I was okay but now I'm hearing that hated voice telling me that he thinks I've lingered in therapy too long and I should move on or move out and I'm just wasting time. Does anyone else hear that voice?

Of course, then there are those times I get back to work and think "OMG what have I told him? I've said too much, I didn't say enough, I said it all (isn't that a song?) or I've said it horribly wrong. What must he think of me?" Of course I can always soothe myself with the thought that he doesn't think of me at all and it does not matter what I say. And gee, that makes me feel even worse!!

And if I email him ever... it's usually within those first 24 hours. If I can hold out I usually can make it to the next appointment. But he has told me to email or call if I need to because he does not want to see me suffer needlessly when a call/email would help me to feel better.

Anyway, I'm inviting all of you to post your first 24 hour feelings so maybe it will help me to feel less crazy or alone. And any suggestions for getting through those hours would be greatly appreciated.

TN

TN

I couldn't have expressed it any better than you! I think it takes me those 24 hours to just process what we talked about. And then because I can't remember it all word for word, my crazy mind starts to distort what we talked about. Then the anxiety kicks in and all those same voices you have (which really are voices from our past)start to get me to believe the worst. My T calls it my "critical choir."

Since I see her twice a week, I respond differently depending on which day it is. After I see her on Tuesday, I'm not too bad because I know I'll see her on Thursday. But, after I see her on Thursday OMG, I can be pretty much of a mess. Sundays are a killer because I know I have to get all the way through Monday before I can see her again. Do you think I'm dependent? And, I have called her on the weekend if things get really rough.

So I think you probably have LOTS of company on this one TN.
I have started taking a class on mindfulness meditation and stress reduction. At first, it was adding stress to my life! Now that I'm getting the hang of it, it really does help. Learning how to focus on the present and not on the past or future, is an art. I'm not anywhere close to having mastered it, but every time I do it, I feel better. You might want to get the book "Full Catastrophe Living" by John Kabat-Zinn. My T let me borrow hers (you can just imagine how many time I rubbed my hands over those pages - it's HERS!) Sorry. Anyway, lots of it resonated with me and made some of my destructive behaviors more clear for me.

Just a thought. This is a good subject though. I bet everyone has something to say about it. You are definitely NOT alone.

PL

Yes, I know those 24 hour feelings well. For me they often last 3 days. About once a month, I end of calling my T and often end up back in his office for an extra session. I considered it progress 2 weeks ago when I was able to feel connected and contained with just a short (10min) phone call. LOL

Unfortunately I don't have any effective strategies for dealing with those feelings. I post here. I read and write in my journal. If I can I talk to my husband about it (some topics are too difficult). I also try to keep busy (my kids, their activities, movies, etc). Sometimes it helps but sometimes it just delays the feelings which is what happened this week and so I sent an Email today (5 days after my session, I'm a Wednesday girl).

Thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon, ((((TN))))

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And any suggestions for getting through those hours would be greatly appreciated.

Xanax and a 5th of Wild Turkey. (just kidding)

Sorry TN,
I should be more serious. But Oh my the first 24-48 hours are absolutely the worst!!!

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Even when nothing earth shattering has happened I feel like I've lost my right leg or something. I'm off balance and missing something, craving something so intensely that it just makes me crazy.

TN, this sounds so familiar. I know that feeling and I think it makes sense that these are the most intense moments after a session because it is the longest peiod of time since we will see them again. I have cried in front of my T and said, "I don't want to leave." She smiles softly and says, "I know." And then she walks me to the door dragging me behind her clutching her leg.

All kidding aside I really do express to her how difficult it is sometimes. One day I sat on her couch sobbing and couldn't move. She sat there patiently a few extra minutes and let me gather myself together and I did finally manage to get up and leave.

And then the shell shock about "OMG! What did I tell her?? Been there, done that, we should have another t-shirt.

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But my overwhelming feeling was to get back into my car and drive back to T's office and beg him to hold me and protect me...I'm not sure from what. Those feelings lasted for days until I saw him again and told him my feelings and we talked for a half session.

I have called my T crying and when she calls me back I tell her I wish she could hold me. I know what it's like when it feels so truly desperate. Like you can't breathe without them whipsering, "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out." (I am refraining from a lame joke here)

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We talked and I thought I was okay but now I'm hearing that hated voice telling me that he thinks I've lingered in therapy too long and I should move on or move out and I'm just wasting time. Does anyone else hear that voice?

Absolutley TN. But it gets better. Those voices do eventually dissipate and get replaced with our T's reassuring voice that eventually becomes our own voice. I can tesitify to that. My T expressed it to me this way once about similar felings, "No matter how many times I tell you that you are important to me, you will not beleive it. Telling you will not be what makes the difference." I said, but I still like to hear it." She said, "Then I will keep telling you until you don't need me to tell you anymore."

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Of course I can always soothe myself with the thought that he doesn't think of me at all and it does not matter what I say. And gee, that makes me feel even worse!!

Do you really believe that is true? I don't. My T has told me that she thinks of me between sessions..and not just when she is listening to my vm and returning my calls. She genuinely wonders how her clients are doing when she is aware they are going through a particularly rough time. Keep having heart to hearts with your T. I think that is the trick.

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And if I email him ever... it's usually within those first 24 hours. If I can hold out I usually can make it to the next appointment. But he has told me to email or call if I need to because he does not want to see me suffer needlessly when a call/email would help me to feel better.

Do you hear that?? Stop trying to hold out! What are you punishing yourself for?

TN, you are not crazy, you are not alone, you ae completely normal and it will get better. But I will repeate myself, "Keep having heart to hearts with your T."

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And then because I can't remember it all word for word, my crazy mind starts to distort what we talked about. Then the anxiety kicks in and all those same voices you have (which really are voices from our past)start to get me to believe the worst. My T calls it my "critical choir."

PL,
Have you considered a digital voice recorder? I think every client should have one if their T is ok with recording sessions. This helps tremendously in countless ways. I have a critical choir too.

Thank you all for the quick responses. I guess this topic really resonates with us... unfortunately. But it's nice to know I am not alone in this.

PL you are so right... the mind starts distorting what was said and of course I always manage to give it a negative slant. I have that same critical choir. The book sounds interesting and it's awesome that your T lent it to you. My T has said I could borrow his books anytime I want to. I may ask him for one the next time we have a long break due to vacation and I will need something to hold onto. Something real and tangible.

Incognito... I see my T on Monday and my son sees him on Thursday and if I'm having a tough time I will split the session w/my son just to check in and tame my wild thoughts. It does help and gets me through to Monday again. My T says that there are just some times when a client needs more than 1x per week and that it's only the insurance companies that dictate the visits. In the old days people went to "analysis" 3 or 4 times a week.

Thank you for sharing your experiences JM. I think I punish myself because I don't think I deserve the help and that I should be able to deal with this on my own. My T is trying to break me of this and get me to ask for what I need....an email or phone call or even an extra session. I have never told him that I don't want to leave because I'm afraid he will think I'm pathetic or that my transference is interfering with therapy. Or that I'll end up clutching his leg and screaming. I do feel like that at times. And he has told me that he will keep reassuring me about things until the time I'm able to do that for myself. I love and never tire of hearing it. He wrote it to me in an email and told me to carry it with me.. that he will always be there no matter what. And I do carry it.

I like what your T said to you about the reassurance. She seems to be a kind, gentle and understanding woman, no wonder you love her. And actually (feeling sheepish here ) I do know that my T thinks of me out of session...he has cut out articles for me to give me and he has also told me he was going to email me one time and I beat him to it. He wanted to offer unsolicited support because he thought I needed it.

And HB...I'm glad your T allows you to call him in between so you can share what is too difficult in person. Sometimes I email my T to alert him to a topic that I'm struggling with. I guess the important thing is to find a way to communicate our feelings that works for us.

I thank you all because you made me think about my relationship with my T in a good way and I do feel better. Sometimes I just need to remind myself how committed he really is to me and my getting well.

TN

Oh TN this is so true a representation of what I go through but slightly different. I find that the first 24-48 hours I feel still connected and close and then WHAM!! I'm a Wed girl too and by Saturday lunchtime I am in the horrors. I mentioned this to my T last week and he reckons the period before the horrors will get longer and longer and eventually I'll come to a point where it won't exist at all. In fact this week he charged me with making it to Sunday!!! as a challenge. (Didn't really work but somehow knowing he knew made it a bit easier).

I too have problems with the emailing or calling in between and 'discipline' myself into not doing it if I can help it but you've all prompted me to discuss this with him. He too has stated 'I'm going nowhere' which really helps me.

JN - I've so had those feelings of not wanting to leave and the walk down the corridor from his office is the loneliest, longest path sometimes. Sometimes it feels like I'm just living from one session to the next and that anything in between I just tolerate and that includes family, friends, work. Sometimes it feels like an obsession...

Lady

I feel fine the first day, it's the day after and the day after and the day after that are the worst. By Tuesday evening, I'm starting to feel in control again so Wednesdays are usually good, then it's back to therapy on Thursday and it all starts up again.

I don't email or call between sessions because my T hasn't invited me to, although I did with my son's T and that caused little mini roller coasters in between the big ones. Some relief, but not as good as actually seeing her.

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Sometimes it feels like I'm just living from one session to the next and that anything in between I just tolerate and that includes family, friends, work. Sometimes it feels like an obsession...

Lady - I feel the same way sometimes. The only thing that can get me out of the "fog" is my kids, and then it's only temporary.

OW

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Sometimes it feels like an obsession...

LoS

Sometimes I feel this way too. It just seems impossible to get therapy and my T off my mind. And instead of it making me happy that I have this wonderful woman in my life, I look at the down side of what I can't have with her. Then I wonder how this can be helping me. But, it is. As difficult as it is to really look at and pick at all my failings, it is making me see what I can change, to make life better for me and my family. I wonder at times how I ever survived before I started therapy. Well, when I really am honest with myself, I can see that in some ways, I only existed. And I thought that was what life was supposed to be like. I now know that there is really so much more.

So.....I live from session to session. PL

Have you ever agonized over something your T said for a week and then when you bring it up they've forgotten they said it?

God I hate that. Makes me feel like a dummy.

WS

I agonize over things that many people say to me. But, I've done it with my T quite often. Most recently, she asked me a question about my self and I answered her with my sincere thoughts but, when I started thinking about it that evening OMG it really messed me up. I called her and left a very sad and upset message asking her if that is how she see's me. At our next session she was very apologetic and said she should have known better than to ask that question. I think she plans her questions and comments much more carefully now.

PL

The first 24 hours really stink but this time I think I will grieve the entire 168 hours until I see her again. In fact, I wont be surprised if I see her within the next day or two. I already put in a call to try to get back in today and when she called me to tell me what time she has open I decided I was too tired to drive another hour back to her office and probably to no avail. So she is going to call me again later. Isn't she wonderful? She really is but I feel like Eyore when I say it right now.

It burns so deep inside. I sat and cried again clutching her pillow when it was time to leave. I even whimpered. She just waited for me to get it together until I could finally leave.

Not a good session today. A very heavy emotional session today that felt like I wasn't getting anywhere but more angry and frustrated and even directing toward my T because nothing she could say could help. Instead it feels like I spent an hour in a room with clashing symbols.
At one point I even asked her to go turn the radio down in the waiting room because it was annoyingly distracting.

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It burns so deep inside. I sat and cried again clutching her pillow when it was time to leave. I even whimpered. She just waited for me to get it together until I could finally leave.

i don't have the words to express my admiration for you JM, that you are able to really be with the feelings you're experience in the presence of your t. i don't think i'd have the guts to even do that by myself. and your t sounds wonderful, giving you the space and time for it! if i ever learn just a tiny fraction of your presence i'll count myself lucky!

and it's not really my place, but how DARE whoever it was, made you feel this wretched in the first place!!!!

(((SB)))
Thank you for caring and it is ok with me if you share in my anger. I am having an awful mean streak of vengeance bearing down on me and I will gladly share the wrath with anyone who wants to join. In fact I should probably be posting on the anger thread. I might just do more of that later.

But I do have a wondeful T and I have come to a place in my relationship with her where it is no holds barred. I directed a lot of my anger at her today. It was text book transference in the working. She symbolically stood in place of my parents and took some heat. But there is a lot more work to do.

Well, I will have to wait the 168 hours after all because she is going out of town until next Wednesday.

Where's my T-shirt??

((((JM))))

I'm sorry your session was so difficult but impressed and amazed that you were able to express anger in the presence of your T. I'm going to see my T later and as usual I'm starting to numb so by the time I get in there I will just be ashamed and embarassed over my upset of the last few days.

hope the next week goes by quickly,