TN,

I'm sorry that you are still hurting so much, but very glad that you are still posting and reaching out here.

It sounds like he is really struggling with his own feelings of inadequacy and really wants to help you, but doesn't know the best way how to do that. Do you think he would be open to perhaps reading some different books or attending some workshops? I can feel from your post that he really doesn't seem to want you to go and very much values your relationship. I think he is just struggling with how to best help you.

Please keep us posted. I hope that the upcoming surgery goes well and the stress surrounding that is as well managed as it can be. ((((TN))))

quote:

What rules did he change? Does it concern more than accepting emails? And how did he convey to you repeatedly that he is not a trauma therapist? If you don't want to address the detail, I totally understand...

UV thank you for your thoughtful post and the questions. I answered many of them on your other thread about trauma Ts. As for changing the rules... I am still not sure what he is changing or wants to change. He has told me that it upsets him when he fails or disappoints me by not answering my emails and then he sees that I go into a spin .. down into my black hole. The thing is ... I don't go there as often or as intensely any longer... since therapy with him. But when he does not respond to me then I do call him on it and then he feels badly and it shakes his confidence because he feels sort of out of his depth with trauma work. He just tells me that this is not his field of expertise and that he feels that I already know more than he does. We have tried to talk about out of session contact on other occassions but never reached a definitive policy on it. And there are times when he initiates contact with me.. he does check in when he knows I'm struggling and he sometimes sends me inspirational quotes. This has helped me immensely. I'm not even sure he can comprehend how powerful these emails have been for me and how healing.

STRM...I have tried in a very low-key way to share my resources with him about attachment and trauma. David Wallin did a seminar nearby us last year and I so encouraged him to go but he said he was busy. Okay, fair enough. So I gave him the book. He still has it and I know he has not read it. I once gave him In Session to understand transference and he had it for almost a year when I asked for it back. He read only a few pages. I then gave him my 12 hour CD set from John Briere which I highly recommend, although it's pricey... who is a noted trauma researcher and he still has that. I know he has listened to some of it because it was during this time that our therapy took off. Just before this disruption we had a run of a few months where things were absolutely wonderful... we were so attuned and connected and things were moving along at a wonderful pace. Then we seem to slam into something that throws us off the track. I seem to get back on quicker than he can. Anyway, it's very tricky to share this stuff with him because I tread a fine line with not wanting him to feel inferior to me or be insulting to him. But the way I see it is that no one can possibly know everything and there is so much that he is very good at. I constantly learn stuff from him and soak up everything that he offers. I'm working on my BS in Psychology and it would be such a dream to intern with him because he has such a way of conveying knowledge and watching him work with kids is like watching a great artist at work. He is a really gifted T but just cannot see it.

TN

I just want to say that I was just overwhelmed with all the support, love and hugs I received on this thread. I was in a really bad place and although things have sort of calmed down for now I'm still a bit skittish as to what's going to happen next.

Jones... all of your posts were so reassuring and calming. You could see things that I could not as I was so activated my brain was not functioning well. Thank you for encouraging me to keep reaching out for support. What you, and the others saw, was that my T does really care about me and I can just entertain that thought right now... and I think I could see yesterday how hard this is for him too. He thinks I should leave and that's it's ethical for him to encourage this BUT, I think part of him wants me to stay and I think he's as conflicted as I am. And yes, we do need to slow down and find that quiet spot where we can come together and talk calmly. It was a bit more calm yesterday and I told him I'm not leaving and he told me he's not asking me to leave...so that's pretty simple. Except I feel a bit uncomfortable staying and perhaps making him suffer. And yes I know it's not about his feelings and I do tell him that. I asked him... hey do I get a vote on this. It's MY therapy!

When I was at the worst and in the depths of hell on Friday ... he called me to check on me. He somehow knew or was led to do that. I was not feeling so safe at that moment. He was not in the office that day and came in specifically to see me and he gave me extra time as well. When I was leaving he gave me a small (food) gift for my birthday and he hugged me. And I know this is not the behavior of someone who just wants to be rid of me.

JaneDoe thank you for sharing your experiences and for the support. You have grown and bloomed so much in the last few months.

SG... I know you know this pain and I appreciate you responding to a thread that has to be triggering for you and also because I know you are struggling yourself right now with marital issues. Your support means a lot. And yes, it was too much too fast and that was traumatizing in itself for me. We both needed to take a step back and think things through more logically and less emotionally.

Monte, your advice about letting the dust settle was right on. That's what i'm trying to do. I cannot help but think that his consultation perhaps made him feel that this was suddenly a real ethical issue and he needed to be clear with me ... but I am not your usual patient in that I know so much about psychotherapy and I have a lot of insight. I feel that I am educated enough to make my own decisions. And yes, I think things are starting to change shape.

DF.. I always enjoy reading what you have to say. I thank you for being there and responding.

Amazon...I know how attached you are to your T and how triggering this topic can be. Thanks for encouraging me to hold on.

Starfish... things are good again with my son. He is an amazing child and my T always reminds me what a good mother I am and gives me a ton of credit for my son's progress. He tells me that taking care of myself is taking care of my son too. He's a smart T. And yes, one hour at a time, one foot in front of the other.

LL... I think you hit on something when you said my Ts' professional pride is kicking in. I know he has pride and I so try not to injure it and to nurture it instead. He is not always adept at handling these situations from lack of experience and not mean-spiritedness. He is basically a good man or I would have run a long time ago. I think we have both backed down a bit and are taking things more slowly and spending the time to look carefully at what is needed here. Perhaps we both over reacted. I almost hesitate to say things could possibly be okay because he may have other ideas but he did say he's not asking me to leave. So I have to hold onto that while we work things out.

FOT, thanks for your advice and sharing your own story with us here. I know what you have been through and I appreciate your willingness to visit the topic again. I know how painful it was for you. Thank you.

Mad Hatter... thanks for the hugs. My son is the most important person in my life and yes, I have to live for him. To see him grow up and become a wonderful man. He is a great kid.

AG...you are the best. You always "get it". I'm so glad you are here.

Russ, thanks for your support and that beautiful poem. It evokes such pictures in my mind.

seablue... thank you for the hugs and reminding me to take things gently. I know you are having your own struggles so thanks for your generous thoughts.

STRM, that you would find time to post to me while going through your own hellish time means so much to me. Thanks for all your wise words.

UV.. thank you for all those lovely things you said about me. I'm blushing. I know this topic is anxiety producing and a nightmare for so many of us... me included... and I'm honored that so many of you still took the time to post to me. I have thought about anxiety drugs but I think first I want to try some herbal supplements that seem to calm anxiety. If this does not work then perhaps a prescription for xanax or similar. While things don't feel settled in any way, it seems more hopeful. Less dire. Perhaps he will mellow out again. I don't know. But I somehow feel more determined after this hellish experience. It's still a newish feeling... like I do want to proceed with him and perhaps he will just need to buckle his seatbelt and deal with the trauma stuff.

Echo, thank for your advice. I don't have a friend nearby but I do have one that i can talk to on the phone who understand and gets this stuff. She has been invaluable in helping me sort through this mess and also in keeping me safe and in one piece.

jill... I don't know if we spoke. You came on board while I was not posting much due to what's been happening in therapy. Thank you so much for the offer of contact. I will keep that in mind and I do really appreciate your offer of friendship. That was sweet of you.

BB or BeeBee... I responded to you further up on this thread but I wanted to say that you are such a sweet, kind, thoughtful person always ready to help and support. I really appreciate it.

That's about it... didn't mean to turn this into a novel. I'm still scared that things will careen out of control again and a bit skittish about trust at this point. But I have decided that he does care about me and I decided to stay and try to work some things through. Only time will tell if this is the right decision.

TN

TN thanks for replying - that’s so thoughtful of you especially when you’re still all over the place with what’s happening with your T.

Just want to echo what STRM said in her post - please let us know how things go for you?

Sending you lots of supporting thoughts TN

LL

Thanks LL for the supporting thoughts.

I'm seeing my T again tomorrow and I'm a bit nervous. I know that I feel things have calmed down a bit since our last session but I'm afraid I'll go in tomorrow and realize I was delusional to think all of this... including that it would be possible to stay.

TN

TN,
Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

so sorry to hear you are nervous. It's totally understandable. You are not delusional - this is really tough hard stuff to walk through and have shaken up. It sounds like it has gotten better and I hope it keeps getting better!

TN- will be thinking of you and keeping everything crossed (fingers and toes) that it becomes clearer and that your T will read those books you gave him...

((((TN))))

BB

PS- you didn't seem in the least churlish...I was very glad that you were posting and saying everything that was on your mind and hope you will continue to do that...as you want to, of course...thanks for the kind thoughts.