WARNING... COULD BE TRIGGERING...LEAVING THERAPY... SUICIDAL THOUGHTS



How do you walk away from the most important person in your life? I know some of you have done exactly that and walked away from your Ts/Ps. How does one survive such a heart rending separation? I need to know because I think the time has come for me to leave my beloved T.

We have spent the last 3 sessions and over 4 hours fighting over everything and anything. I have been going through a period of being absolutely terrified, rage and severe depression to the point where I cannot speak or do anything except sit here in front of my computer or cry.

Today was my birthday. I did not go to work and spent the entire morning howling in unbearable pain worse than death could ever be. My session yesterday was awful and I cried through most of it and I cried for hours after it. I never went back to work and could barely function in caring for my son last night and today. Today was my birthday and I kept remembering my birthday last year. I brought donuts to my session. It was a beautiful dry cool summer day and my T and I were very attuned that day. We munched on donuts and I read to him from a book that I had just finished that related back to my past and who I was and who I became. He told me that I found the perfect parts of the book to express this. We talked amiably about my life and my future and at the end of the session he offered me a lovely comforting hug... the first one ever.

Today, I sobbed in his office and argued with him. He has decided to change all the rules of therapy for some reason that I do not understand. He keeps emphasizinig that he is not a trauma therapist.... and that, basically, he does not want to be one and does not want to have to deal with me outside of session. I had gotten upset that he never replied to an email that HE requested that I send him letting him know how I was doing after a difficult session. I was actually feeling pretty connected to him at that time and I poured out some deep thoughts and feelings to him and he just never responded. That kicked off my shame reaction which made me feel like it was a horrible mistake to ever send him that email. And so.... he does not want to have to be responsible for answering my emails and further....

He keeps telling me that he is not asking me to leave but he thinks I should go look for another T who is a trauma T. I don't want to do this. I am really closely attached to my T and have found working with him very healing despite our disruptions over his lack of experience as a trauma T. The repair has always left me feeling very secure and safe with him and even closer than ever. I never really saw this as a big issue but evidently he did and just decided to tell me now after 2.5 years. He thinks that I need to be on medication so that I don't experience pain when he does something like not respond to an email. He thinks I have too much anxiety and I should take A-D meds to get rid of it so that I don't get upset in therapy.

This is someting he KNOWS I'm vehemently opposed to. As some of you may know my Dad died from inappropriate meds given by a doctor. I have a meds phobia and cannot abide any side effects of any meds as they cause my anxiety to ramp up considerably, making me want to jump out of my skin. I am also very sensitive to medicine and cannot even tolerate novocaine at the dentist as it causes panic attacks in me making me want to run out of the dentist's office screaming. I felt that I had been growing and changing through the years. People have commented on my new calmness and ability to handle what life throws at me. I have faced some difficult stuff over the last two years with my son and have felt more in control. The key to all of this was knowing that I had my T there as the person to fall back to if things got chaotic for me. Just a kind word in an email expressing his confidence that I could handle something was enough for me. I believed in me because he did. NO one ever believed in me before. It was a heady feeling to know that this smart, caring wonderful man could believe in ME. It gave me the confidence to tackle things I never thought I could. I am less than a year (6 classes) from earning a BS degree... something that I never thought I would have. His support and encouragement in working towards this was just beyond priceless. And now...

Now I have no idea what I am doing any longer in therapy. I don't feel wanted by him and I feel that he only wants me on meds so that HIS job will be easier, so that I won't be a burden to him after hours. And BTW, there were numerous times where HE initiated the emails... he would send me inspirational quotes and speeches and he would check in on me. It was not always me that emailed. Now all of a sudden this is not a good thing and he's annoyed that I don't do what he says. He wants me to be honest with him and has accused me of not doing that. He knows that my greatest fear is of abandonment and he spent a lot of time today asking me why I could not see another T. I don't EVER want to feel feelings like this for another human being for the rest of my life. Aside from that... I would never allow another T to get close to me. I don't want to have to rehash all the painful stuff and I would never be able to allow myself to trust anyone again.

So i've spent the last 2 days fighting the urges to either self-harm or wanting to die. I feel so trapped right now that dying seems like such a release from this God awful pain I'm in. And I'm soooo scared. So scared that I will lose my T that I think the only thing I can do at this point is to walk away from him. I need to leave him first so that I am not abandoned. I am feeling like my choice is to see him medicated and out of it, bending myself into the patient he wants me to be or walking away or just dying....

If I leave it will be a death of sorts anyway.

I'm sorry for venting all of this here. I just need to know how you find the strength and ability to walk away from the most important, influential person in your life... the one who is literally the air that you breathe... and have the strength to go on living.

Thanks for listening
TN

I guess what I want to add to the above post is for those who walked away... was it because of those unresolved intense feeling for your T or was it for another reason? I'm so confused I'm not sure what is driving me right now to tell him I'm leaving.

Any comments are appreciated. I'm really struggling. I also posted for med comments on another thread if anyone wantd to comment/

Thanks
TN

Oh TN, I am so sorry to read this. You are in absolute hell with this, and it must just feel unbearable. I'm sorry that I don't have answers to your actual questions because I haven't been in this exact situation with a T, but I really want to reach out and say we're here, we hear you and we will continue to be here as you go through whatever comes next. You are not alone.

I also want to say that as soon as my last T told me she was leaving I started having intense thoughts of self-harm and suicide, like some automatic biological reaction to the knowledge of abandonment. Because my attachment to her was not very fully formed these feelings didn't approach action for me, but I know that in your situation these feelings would be incredibly intense. I feel worried for you and would like to know if you are physically safe, despite the intensity of these feelings, or if you need to act to get yourself in a situation where you are safer? Are there ways you know of to do that?

I think one of the reasons these feelings of self-obliteration come up in the face of what feels like rejection and abandonment is that we bond to our Ts like we are tiny children - babies even - and they are our parents. I'm sure you know this already. When the feelings of rejection and abandonment come up they register very much as a threat to life. I don't quite understand why we then want to take control of causing the harm to ourselves (though maybe it is simply about having control of it) but I do know that I felt that impulse so strongly myself it is unmistakeable.

I'm going to post this so you know someone is here and listening, and then post more in response to other parts of your message.

Thanks for caring, Jones. I am safe for now. I was alone today and not safe this morning. The pain seemed too unbearable to live with. As fate would have it while I was at my most hysterical point, feeling in deep despair and sobbing out of control, my cell phone rang. It was my T calling to check on me. I could barely talk to him and he asked me if I was safe. This stuff is all so new to me this whole "safe" thing. No, I was not feeling safe or keeping myself safe... I was thinking of horrible things to do. Well, T, decided that we needed to met. I'm not sure if that was a good idea. I agreed but now I realize nothing got settled except he satisfied himslef that I was "safe" enough to leave so he could go home for the weekend with a clear head. Having a patient suicide does not look good on a resume.

I told him I promised to call a friend if I felt the need to take any action. I'm not sure if I have "permission" to call him. But honestly, how could I call anyone and put this burden of my mental health on them?

My little boy worked so hard tonight to give me a happy birthday celebration. I simply could not respond to him and he was so sad over this. I'm ruining his life by being so distressed like this. The crazy thing is... that I was feeling pretty good on Tuesday and Wednesday this week but when I saw my T on Thursday and he started in on this ... you need to find a better T bull and confusing me with saying he was not asking me to leave.... my head got so screwed up and all I could hear was he was abandoning me and then I cycled into this pit of hell where I am now...

Thanks for your concern
TN

It sounds like there are a whole lot of components to the emotional situation between you and your T right now and they are all coming too thick and fast to be worked through. I would say, though, that you and your T have worked through SO much to establish a close, safe relationship that there *is* a very strong base there, and I think there is a good chance it is strong enough to survive the current storm and be there on the other side.

You say above that you're not sure what it is that is driving you to tell him you're leaving, and I'd say it is that strong sense of rejection and abandonment - your feeling that you are not wanted by him, and that your email (your pain) was rejected. You are in a very, very vulnerable spot and it is imperative that you feel protected in that spot, so your self-protection is kicking in to get you OUT of danger, out of the situation of vulnerability.

But I would say there is something at least to hang on to in this storm: your T says he is NOT asking you to leave. While it seems like everything is changing, he is still there for you and he is not getting rid of you. So the feelings of shame and rejection and abandonment, while they are deeply bound up in and responsive to all these changing circumstances, are also partly triggery-past-feelings. What that very small part of you who feels abandoned perhaps does not yet see or feel is that he IS still him, still your T, still there for you. My strong hope is that you both will be able to soon - very soon - find a quiet spot in the storm where you can feel that connection again, and keep it with you while you work out the new ground.

The new ground sounds really complex. It sounds like a LOT is in flux at once, and that it's too much right now. It is not long since he started to want to work with your husband, and started challenging the separation you have between your T-life and your marriage-life.

I wonder if that kicked off some very threatened feelings for you, and helped to put the two of you into a really powerful reactive feedback loop. Now he is wanting to limit the kinds of contact and availability he offers outside session, to possibly introduce another therapist, to get you on meds. All of these seem to me like attempts not to get rid of you, but to make clear the limits of his abilities and availabilities, and to get other support in place so that you are okay for the next part of your journey. I suspect these reactions are in some part out of fear that he just can't be all that you need for that journey, and that things could get damaging if he tries to do more than he is able to. In other words, at least part of what is going on here is his sense of care for you, responsibility to you and responsibility to your long-term growth and healing.

Problem is, you are already immensely attached to him and vulnerable, and the "solutions" he's suggesting to the problem of his limitations (which is a problem in his sense of things, not in yours) are all really, really triggering for you. The very fact of his seeing that there is a problem of his limitations is triggering, let alone anything else.

I don't know if I'm saying anything at all helpful here, I just am trying to feed back the lay of the land as I am seeing it from what you've written.

The thing that strikes me as most critical in all of this is time. It seems SO much like you both need to slow right down if at all possible, and start winding back and unpacking this bit by bit. I know you have 'coached' him before on what you need, and that he has been really receptive to it. Perhaps that is possible again? And I can't tell you what you need, but it seems to me that the most important thing is that you need to re-establish the security of a connection with him before you start working together on understanding some of this new material bit by bit, perhaps starting with figuring out why there are new boundaries, what the nature of them is and what the significance of them is in terms of your connection to each other.

(((((((TN))))))) I hope something here is helpful in some way. If nothing else, we are here and listening. I'm thinking of you. I'm wishing you a safe birthday, and the hope that you can re-centre on your true north very soon.

Jones

Oh, ((((((((((TN))))))))))...I responded on your other thread on meds first and then read this...so I didn't know what was going on. I am so sorry, and I can't understand it, either...it seems so unlike him, what you ahve written about your T in the past. I know that the pain is unbearable, and it feels like he doesn't care...but then, why would he come over and shake your hand so nicely- he did NOT have to do that, and say the words "there, that feels better." Your T cares for you. Something has gotten mixed up, maybe. You must talk with him, I know it seems impossible, and even dangerous, but can you try?

Your boy will be ok, TN...it is not your fault, and your boy will be fine. I know it feels scary like you let your kid down, but it's not the same thing as not caring. He knows you care about him, and so he will be fine.

Be safe, TN, be safe. You are carrying many burdens alone, it is only natural that you should have a reaction like this to what was said. Yet, deep breaths, take a lot of those, now, and then think, can it be repaired? You are in a tricky situation, but first things first, some stability must be found through your T, before you can think of all the rest. Leave the rest alone, for now, and try to think, can you meet with him, maybe, to try to set up some additional support, such as thinking of a friend to talk to, or someone besides just him... just that, just that one thing? That may take some of the pressure off, a tiny bit is all I am suggesting it for. Then later, the rest can be dealt with together.

I imagine it feels like he wants to drug you so to not have to deal with you, no, that isn't true...most T's are trained to hand our meds when the going gets tough, that is what they are told will help the most. He wants to help you feel better is all, and he thinks this will do it. that is not to say, he is right, but I am certain that is why.

Please let us know you are ok, if you need to talk we are here.

(((((((TN))))))))

BB

TN, things sound extremely rough right now and i would implore you to please not worry about putting the 'burden' of your mental health on others. All people exist in communities, we all have care and responsibility for each other, and we all have times when we really need to take care from other people. This is one of those times for you. The most important thing right now is that you can get through with your life and your body intact - that is the number one priority - of course we want your mind intact too but minds can heal and bodies can't always. Please do whatever you can to keep your body safe.

Believe me, too, that there are many times when people - family, friends, Ts, folks on the internet, get a great deal out of being there for others in need. It's not exactly altruistic and not exactly selfish, but when you can offer care to someone in need it is restoring, and gives a sense of depth and meaning to life. So please, please, please reach out - keep reaching out - and turn away from that thought that you are burdening others with that.

While I'm sure that a patient suicide sucks like hell for any T, I am also sure it is not because of their resumes. I imagine you are pretty furious at your T right now, and I think that you have good reason to be - he is throwing all kinds of stuff at you without being switched on to how that is for you, and he seems to be doing a hopeless job of helping you regulate the emotional overload. BUT I also have a pretty strong suspicion that he genuinely cares about you and your wellbeing. You as you, and not you as some patient. I think this is why he rang you, this is why he met with you. Not to salve his conscience. I suspect he feels out of his depth, and I suspect he is very wary of offering more contact than he will be able to sustain in the longer term within his personal limitations. That is not because he doesn't care about you personally - it could be quite the opposite.

Why do I think this? Because of the relationship you've had up till this point. I know from what you have written here that you've felt deep and sustained and stable connection with him, that you've trusted him (considerably, even if not totally) and felt close to him, and that he has worked hard to explore ground with you that was professionally new to him. I don't believe that you were mistaken all that time.

I could be wrong. It is possible (though I don't think likely) that he didn't care all along, or that he's the kind of person who can just switch feelings of care and connection off. IF either of those is the case, you are in for an extremely rocky ride, dear TN, and I would absolutely hate to see that (as I hate to see this as it is). But we would still be here for you, others in your life would still be there for you, and there would still be ways through that hell. You would emerge.

Your son would emerge too, as he will emerge from this difficult time. It is a hard thing to see a parent distressed, but it is not in itself life-ruining. Please remember that what counts is the base relationship, the repairs, the long-run communication and love. He already has a mother who has put SO much into looking out for her own emotional health and availability - for him, I'll bet, and into specifically looking out for his emotional health too. That doesn't disappear because of a rough birthday.

Please take care, TN. The concern is genuine.

Jones

oh TN, my heart just goes out to you.

As far as your "burden" of your mental health? I completely agree with everything said.

It sounds like you feel like you are a burden on your T - and then assuming that about friends too. It's not true!!! I can understand feeling that way, I've been there. But you are worth it! Your friends would think you are worth it. You are not a burden.

It sounds like potentially things are changing with your T, maybe not ending, but even the changes can feel really abandoning. It's painful to even face the possibility of ending even in the best of circumstances. I also know from way too much personal experince what it is like to end it really rough circumstances.

No matter what happens - if you stay or if you go, if things stay the same or if they change - I can tell you that connecting with others (friends, a new T, this forum, etc) really helped me edure a lot of abandonment fears and feelings a lot easier. Just the fear of the potential loss can be a lot to feel, and having other people around helped me remember I'm not alone. It was more than a distraction or even what they said. Just connecting again and again really helped.

Your friends might be there for you in simple ways, even just talking on the phone together. It's really not a lot to ask. I agree too that your son will do well, he will be very ok.

I know it might be hard to believe, it was for me, but even if 'the worst' happens, it will get easier and you will get to the other side.

I have been through a really awful ending with my old T, and I was very close and attached to my old T. I had no idea how I would survive it or face such pain. But I did. It worked out ok. I actually ended up a lot better off in the end. For me, I still miss my T, but I'm actually really glad to have ended with her. I ended up finding different things I needed, things she couldn't provide, and have been healing not only from ending with her, but much deeper issues in the process. I also can still hold on to what was good and what I learned with her that has continued to help me change my life.

You will get through this too. How? It may be really hard to do this - but one thing I learned is to just take things one step at a time, as much as you can. Just focus on just the next thing. Just focus on the next day, the next step in this process - wherever it goes. It may turn out a lot better than you think it can right now.

And know we are with you. You are not alone in this.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{TN}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Oh, TN, as I was reading your post I just kept thinking no, no, no...too many changes, too fast. You must be feeling so blindsided right now. And the contrast between the way it was last year and what is happening now feels unbearable. I am so glad that at least you are coming here to post about how you are doing...please keep doing that and don't EVER feel like you are a burden, you are certainly not that whatsoever. Let us help you through this really painful time.

I can relate to that feeling of wanting to leave first before being abandoned. That felt a little like what I was doing when I went to talk to the couples T after that last horrendous session with my ex-T. Not at first, but after she said no one there was trained to do "that kind" of therapy (she called what I was describing "psychoanalysis-based"). Then I just started to spill everything that had been said along the way, knowing that this was probably going to ensure a transfer but just wanting to get it over with before he actually told me he would have to transfer me. So I could feel like I had some control over it. And I think Jones is right - it was that self-protection trying to get me out of that extremely scary place of vulnerability. And it sounds like that is what is going on with you too...even more so because you have such a close relationship with him.

I'm so sorry for this pain you are in, TN. I know you feel betrayed and abandoned and angry and so sad right now. But I do believe your T truly cares for you and does not see you as just another patient. In fact from what you have described of your relationship in previous posts, I suspect that this situation is tearing him up inside, too. If he feels he is not being helpful to you overall then he is obligated to admit that and do what is best for you in the long run, whether he or you likes it and feels good about it in the in-between time or not. And it doesn't sound like he feels good about this at all. Especially because he has led you to believe and depend on his learning how to do trauma therapy...and now for him to admit that he can't go any further, he must know how much that feels like the rug being pulled out from under you. Not that I'm trying to focus on his feelings here...just that I still believe you are very special to him, and always will be.

Do you have another scheduled appointment with him? Some folks on here have two T's...was your T thinking of you still seeing him, and a trauma T besides? I don't know if that idea is any more helpful, it was just something I wasn't clear about when you were describing your conversation.

TN please keep talking to us, keep posting through this. You will get through one small step at a time.

Hugs to you,
SG

TN, it is really painfull what you are going through. To answer your question: walking away from my T is absolutely beyond my imagination. The only thing I can imagine is unbearable pain and I can't go any further beyond that.

TN, I'm just wondering, is there a possibility that your T suggested finding another T, just sort of as a support to help you deal with the trauma (which he obviously is not qualified to treat). Is there a possibility that he never meant to abandon you as a patient/client but knows that you need additional help from somebody else? I can understand how this may make you wonder if he is going to get rid of you down the line.
I really hope that it is the case of additional support only and he doesn't mean to leave you alone.
And as Jones said, it is not about the resume. I don't think he has a clear head and does not worry about you.
Do not walk away from him TN. Maybe it is not appropriate to tell you what to do, but I am not a therapist so I can do what a therapist can't. So do not walk away from him. He is not leaving you. If you could hold on to his words that focus on him not intending to leave you... just grab them and hold on.

(((HUG)))

I just wanted to thank all of you who responsed. It means a lot. I can't write much now, the pain is still too strong. Hopefully I can come back another time and post something. Just didn't want you all to think I don't appreciate your support.

TN

(((((TN))))))

Oh TN how terrible, I read your hurt and pain and can only say that I, with everybody else here, wishes you some respite from this horrible time. Please hold on to the love and support here that is so freely given, that we really do care about you.

BB was so right, your little boy will be sad but will recover from that sadness. You must concentrate on you right now, to stay safe and be as gentle on yourself as you can. Don't look too far into the future if that feels hard or scary, just get through each minute or hour. It will pass TN, it really won't feel like it right now, but you will get through this.

Take care,

starfish

True North - first want to send you massive hugs! I’m totally floored by what’s happening with your T, it’s so completely out of the blue and I’m really really sorry you are having such a bloody hard time of it.

Something positive that I notice though is that you aren’t applying this to yourself as a failure in any way - that your pain is because of your feelings for him, for the close connections you’ve established with him that are now being threatened and undermined. I say that because in your situation (well in ANY situation where someone is seemingly rejecting me) I immediately experience it as a reflection of ME as bad and wrong - and it seems to me that that’s exactly what you aren’t doing and that says to me you have a really good sense of your own value and worth. Hold onto that

Having said that I could feel my stomach going down down down as I read your post, feeling the feelings I would feel if what he is doing to you was being done to me. I’ve read your previous posts with admiration how you’ve been able to effectively ‘teach’ him how to give you what you need regarding the trauma healing, and was thinking how humble and good he was for being so open to learning. Yet suddenly it’s as though he’s gone ‘enough - this ain’t my forte it’s too much for me I can’t handle it …’

Fear terror pain blackness I don’t have words for the feelings and thoughts that must be overwhelming you right now - and the thought that death is the only escape from them is a measure of just how bad they are - TN I’d say let yourself be comforted by that thought, it’s the bottom line level of control we can exercise when things are so awful there seems no escape - knowing we can make that decision gives us a sense of not being totally at the mercy of stuff we can’t control, it doesn’t mean you have to do it. Not going to jump in here and tell you to distract yourself, don’t do it, don’t think about it - it’s where you’re at and in such a profoundly bad place that I totally get the need to DO something about it. Just want to say, don’t keep it hidden away inside yourself, struggling with it alone - feeling suicidal can get right out of hand but if you can talk about it that really does help. And want to echo what others on here have said, you would in no way be a burden on anyone by reaching out for support in this.

My guesses are that your T’s professional pride has started kicking in, maybe he’s been struggling and realized he can’t go to the depths that you need, I don’t know I’m just guessing here but what he’s said and the way he’s been to you in these last sessions well hell I can’t even begin to think why someone would flip flop like that and I know I would be totally devastated and also, angry as hell. If he felt you could get ‘better’ help from another T, he’s sure as hell gone the WRONG way about letting you know. And also, that the real benefits you are getting from therapy with him is the relationship itself, as you’ve said over and over, his being there for you - and that he’s suddenly pulling the rug, that says to me he hasn’t realized what it is that’s helping you. Or maybe he has and has scared himself into thinking that’s not what ‘therapy’ is about?

What I find really disturbing is this:

quote:

He keeps emphasizinig that he is not a trauma therapist.... and that, basically, he does not want to be one and does not want to have to deal with me outside of session.

It sounds like he is suddenly setting up boundaries where none existed before, and that is awfully like making the therapy now about HIS needs, not yours.

Sorry I’m probably screwing you up even more, these are all things you must be spinning over in your head already.

Want to give a parallel example with experience with my ex-T (not really comparable because I had no close connection with him at all - but there are similarities with your situation). My ex-T seemed quite willing to go along with all sorts of things that I suggested to him that I believed would help me - every session practically I would be explaining to him that I need x y or z, that I needed him to do a or b or c and each time he was really willing to go along with that (well, he tried, but unlike in your case, he never succeeded). I ended up taking for granted that he would always be willing to change, to learn what he needed to do to help me and it ended up becoming my mission in therapy to finally get through to him how he ought to act, what he ought to say, the way he needed to be to help me and that seemed perfectly ok with him. But in the end he never got it so I left - then freaked and tried to go back to him because I believed he would be there for me, regardless of whether he knew practically how to help me, believing that he would be there for me was the most important bit for me. And lo and behold he turned around and said ‘we can’t do therapy together anymore - I can’t help you’ - meaning, what I needed from him he wasn’t prepared to challenge himself anymore to try and give to me. Now ok my situation in no way reflects the depth and consistency and connections of yours, but I wonder if there isn’t some similarity - that your T is starting to think, TN needs a whole lot more therapy-wise than I am able (or willing?) to give, if I keep turning myself inside out trying to meet her needs it’s only making me feel inadequate and out of control, and certainly not helping TN (sorry I have to say I find that second bit a cop out, but that’s just my prejudices, therefore won’t discount that he genuinely is concerned that he is not adequate to helping you as he feels you need).

Hm none of that is comforting or particularly helpful is it? I’m sorry, I can hear how completely f***ed this whole situation is for you and I really wish it was just some sort of massive misunderstanding that can be resolved when you next speak to him.

Going to stop here because I’ll only get into showing how angry I am at what he’s doing to you and that’s no help to anyone.

TN I’m so so sorry about this, and I also really hope you can talk this over with him, and that he will be able to reassure you on all fronts that’s it’s not abandonment, not rejection, that the connection is still there despite what’s looking like a major betrayal.

((((( True North )))))

LL

I don't have any wisdom to offer you, but I still feel compelled to post if only to offer my sincerest heartfelt hugs, ((((((((((TN))))))))))!!!

It tears me up what you are going through right now. It is my worst therapy nightmare to experience rejection and abandonment after having finally yielded my trust. I so "get" the urge you've had to harm yourself. Sometimes thinking of my kids is the only thing that has gotten me through safely. I really wish for you that this breech with your T will be repaired somehow, but no matter what please let us offer our support for as long as you need it.

((((((((((TN))))))))))))

I am so sorry for what you're going through. There is no more nightmarish scenario than taking the incredibly difficult risk of opening up and trusting someone to then have your fears confirmed by feeling like you're going to be abandoned. I can not imagine how painful and terrifying this must be for you. I know that it's probably not much comfort in the face of the pain of what you're feeling, but please know that we're here for you and that you do have people who care about you, want you safe, and want you here.

love,
AG