Does anybody have trouble saying no to people?

I have ALWAYS had a problem with saying no. I grew up with a father who couldn't say it and mother who wouldn't take it for an answer. I have always thought that saying no was mean; that if I want people to like me or care about me then I cannot say no to them. I also always thought that I was good if I didn't say no- like it was something that kids who misbehaved said.

Clearly, my household was not one that practiced healthy boundaries. We were driven by my mother and her narcisistic demands. Her wants were my wants, her needs were my needs and her rage was my rage. Opposing her was not an option... ever. And not only did I never tell her no, she taught me to always say yes to other people. She taught me to do whatever anyone asked me to do, to be "helpful," to happily do everything for everyone else so that they would like me and it would make her look really good (after all, my sole purpose in life was to be an extension of her. Didn't you know that's what kids are for?)

Needless to say, my inability to say no is really starting to affect my life. And the thought of saying no to someone is... very anxiety producing for me. I hate doing it! For a long time, not saying no was very easy because I refused to acknowledge/didn't know that I had my own wants. When I thought everyone else's wants WERE my wants, saying yes all of the time felt right. But now, as I am beginning to accept the fact that I might actually have a few wants of my own... well it's making things MUCH more difficult. I thought I was doing okay in this area, but recent events have brought to light that my newfound wants are not replacing the demanding wants of other people... it is all just compounding. So, instead of just doing ANYTHING anyone else wants me to do, I am now doing a few thing I want AND anything anyone else wants me to do. Consequently, my life is very full and busy and overwhelming. I have to fight for any bit of peace, but I always feel guilty for not doing more.

I feel stuck- like I have a choice to be liked or say no. I don't really like the ramifications of either independently. I know there has to be away to harmonize both of these ideas... other people do it... but I'm not seeing it. I'd like your thoughts guys, and I really appreciate it.

-CT

I feel for you CT - that is a hard way to live. The only way I have learned how to say no is just by practice and trial and error... oh ya, and that nervous breakdown I had a few years ago pretty much meant I had to say no to everything for a while. After that it got easier of course but I wouldn't recommend that route.

Accountability is helpful. If you have a good friend with whom you can talk about this stuff they can help you decide when to say no and then to actually say it.

CT,

I too have a hard time saying no to the people closest to me, because a part of me feels like they won't like me anymore and - basically - will abandon me or at the very least, scold me. Why? Because no one ever taught me how to be assertive or the importance of expressing what I really want and/or think in a clear, calm way.

No one ever taught me this major life skill. However, my dad did modelled for me how to be distant, hot-headed, controlling, cynical and hostile. If I said no to him, or offered any kind of protest of even an opposing view, he dismissed it as bullsiht. Had someone taught me how to be assertive, I would've stood up for myself and said, "no, I don't agree with you and this is why. If you don't agree with me, then we disagree."

Instead, I just took his negative crap in silence, then became an angry, anxiety ridden, self-hating person who has problems saying no or standing up for myself, among other things.

So now I'm in the process now of learning how to stand up for myself and be assertive. After a lifetime of rolling over, then aiming the resulting anger at myself, I'm slowly starting to change that.

It's really hard, but you can do it, too, CT.

Russ

CT,
I totally relate. I think saying "no" is a difficulty for anyone who didn't have healthy boundaries. Two things have really helped me in this area.

In working through our marital problems both my husband and I have had to learn to say no. The weird thing is that as we have both learned to say no, the other had actually been happier. I was having trouble understanding why, until my T told me no on several major issues (hugs & a set appointment). I experienced something really interesting. By saying no, my T made his "yes" more believable. Because I know that he is capale of saying no, I can trust his yes. When he says yes, its because he wants to not because he's pressured into it. And then's when I realized why being able to say no was making things better between my husband and I. If you can say no, then you're yes is not given out of fear of losing the relationship or fear of being a bad person.

All that said, it's difficult to let go of the fear of saying no. I know that when I was a child, getting a semblance of care often depended on my taking care of other people. So not taking care of other people all the time brings with it the risk and fear that I will not get my needs met or even worse will be left. I think that as you work through developing a sense of your own worth, it's accompanied with a sense that you have a right to set boundaries. It's takes a while but you'll get there. The fact that you're aware that not being able to say no is, in and of itself, an important sign of progress.

AG