Hi Mad Hatter (love the name!)
Welcome to the forums. I think you might be interested in reading the thread below, we had a back and forth discussion on what defines trauma which might be helpful for you right now. It's a little long but I think there's some good info in there.

Really, really mad

You're therapist's reaction concerns me because I don't think a therapist should ever be dismissive of a patient's feelings. Challenge their beliefs, explain that their feelings don't reflect reality, go looking for what the feelings really mean, those are all within the parameters but your feelings shouldn't be dismissed. And I agree, trauma isn't a contest (I acutally said exactly that in the thread cited above).

I would highly recommend sending your therapist that letter. You may be mistaken in that your perception of what she said may not have been what she meant and talking about it will allow her to correct it. I can't imagine wanting to continue opening up to someone who you feel likely will dismiss you're feelings. And honestly, if you bring this up and she gets really defensive that will be a strong signal to go find another T. This relationship should be about your needs and feelings and if your therapist can't calmly discuss a problem you have with her and understand how you're feeling (not necessarily agree its true but recognize that you felt that way) then they're probably not going to be doing good work with you and better to find it out sooner rather than later.

And yes, it could be a transference thing but the only way to find that out is to talk about it.

AG

Welcome, Mad Hatter! I'm glad you were feeling reckless today and decided to jump in here.

Having thoughts and feelings dismissed is an awful feeling, especially when a T does it because they are in such a powerful position, and we are so vulnerable. My former T sometimes did this too. I would go along with it in the moment, then get angry about it later, but never had enough courage or confidence to confront him on any of it. I'm still going back with the new T and trying to undo some of the self-doubt it caused.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but I'm glad you posted about it here. Regarding your question about how to define trauma, and is trauma "relative", there's nothing better than AG's response and the thread she linked you to. They are both brilliant and I really needed to read that thread again myself.

Thanks for diving in, MH, and good luck with your T. I hope it all works out.

SG

Thanks AG & SG for your replies. I checked out the link mentioned above, and it was what I really needed right now. It may be a bit selfish, but I'm so glad some good can come from other people's painful experiences via the wisdom gained and shared. I HAVE felt like shutting down all communication with my T, but I'm going to address it with her and see where it goes.

Hello MH, from another newbie. Thanks for posting this - I'm totally relating to that feeling of invalidation. I'm not surprised you've been feeling furious, it would be really rough to deal with that sense of invalidation coming from your therapist.

I have a hard time feeling 'entitled' to go to therapy, for lots of the reasons that came up in the thread AG linked (thanks heaps, AG). I experienced lots of instability as a little kid and emotional abuse as an adolescent and I'm just so used to seeing all the separate experiences as disconnected, not all that significant.... it takes a kind of force of will to look at the big picture and say yeah, that was horrible, for years, and it had a powerful effect on me. when I DO say that to myself I feel like I'm begging off responsibility, or indulging myself, or being a drama queen or something.

because the experience of putting it all together is pretty overwhelming I've tried to communicate it a couple of times to other people close to me. I guess it takes practice and timing. I made the foolish mistake of raising it during an argument with my husband and he laughed (I did manage to make it sound like cheap movie dialogue. he was being triggered himself and apologised later). I wrote something about the therapy in an email to a friend and he wrote back, with kind intentions, that I didn't need to be dwelling on stuff that had dragged me down.

after a couple of days of feeling rocked by that I wrote this back:
"therapy is a risk, for the reason you note. I really don't want to make things worse by rehashing and reinforcing the bad. but I know that I get regularly pushed off balance by reactions that have little to do with the present. it just takes a bit of stress or surprise and the neurons fire, the cell memory wells and I've undermined myself - tolerating that sleazebag X would be a good example. I feel like I don't deserve to live like that, wrestling those reactions all the time. And I know that despite my best efforts I only get a limited purchase on my reactions through willpower, positive thinking and so on. "

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is a) I hear you! and b) whatever you experienced affected you within the particular system of who you are. you only get one you, so I figure when you seek out professional care and help in looking after and growing that you, it's a responsible act and you deserve to get the care and help. I hope you do.

best,
J

quote:

it takes a kind of force of will to look at the big picture and say yeah, that was horrible, for years, and it had a powerful effect on me. when I DO say that to myself I feel like I'm begging off responsibility, or indulging myself, or being a drama queen or something.

That is something I am definitely struggling with as well, Jones. I know I am deeply angry inside, but it feels like I have no right to be angry. Anger is bad, right? I am just being cynical and bitter if I allow myself to feel it, and I just need to get over it because sh** happens to everyone, right? So I go through this cycle of denying the rage until I have to direct it at someone or something, which usually ends up being myself. It just isn't working anymore for me to pretend it away. But I don't know how to let go of it and be free.

Hi MH and welcome.

First off, I know the feeling of lurking around here and not being sure about posting. Everyone's experiences are so different and while, as you said, "it is not a contest", when I read some of the accounts on here I wonder if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

As usual, I have to agree with AG-if your T continues to dismiss your feelings without hearing you out properly and giving validation to your feelings I suggest you make the tough decision and find a new T. Things are difficult enough for you without your experiences being belittled. Thankfully I have had good experiences with my Ts but at the same time, despite all the support and reassurance, I tend to minimise my feelings and experiences...which makes it all the harder to deal with them. I find it incredibly difficult to believe my accounts of things from the past or even the present. It's a constant struggle and I can't imagine how hard it must be if you are having these doubts reinforced by yout T.

All I can say is that I wish you the best. I hope you can keep posting on here and benefiting from it and that you get to talk things through with your T.

Mrs. P

quote:

Thankfully I have had good experiences with my Ts but at the same time, despite all the support and reassurance, I tend to minimise my feelings and experiences...which makes it all the harder to deal with them. I find it incredibly difficult to believe my accounts of things from the past or even the present. It's a constant struggle and I can't imagine how hard it must be if you are having these doubts reinforced by yout T.

Thank you for your supportive words, Mrs. P. I look forward to getting to know you better (and the others here as well) as I read your posts. It helps to know I am not the only one with these particular issues, although it makes me sad to think maybe this struggle will continue for the long-term and not go away anytime soon.

quote:

originally posted by AG:
I would highly recommend sending your therapist that letter. You may be mistaken in that your perception of what she said may not have been what she meant and talking about it will allow her to correct it.

I just want to follow up on what has happened since I sent the letter to my T. She did not get defensive, but said she was perplexed by what I wrote and that she must have been reading me wrong. Well, it turns out that I did misinterpret badly one of her comments, and she wasn't trying to minimize my pain at all. Which makes me feel relieved and quite chagrined at the same time. At least it has been resolved now, instead of me suffering in silence.

T said she was surprised after she received my letter that I did not make an earlier appointment to come in and talk to her about it. I told her I didn’t want to be needy, and she said, “Oh, so you’ll just suffer for 2 weeks instead?“ I said, “But what if I called up for an appointment and then you told me no?“ (OK, some trust issues here.) She said she wasn’t going to do that, that she wants me to come as often as I feel I need to come. I told her I have felt like I was only supposed to come every other week since that is how often she comes to her satellite office here . She does have a main office about a 45-minute drive away in the other direction. So I said, “You mean, it is really up to me how often I see you?“ And she was like, yeah! (until my insurance company says otherwise, right?). I am still a bit hesitant to act on my desire to see her more often, but for now it was such a burden lifted to hear her say those words, that just maybe she won‘t resent me if I show my neediness.

Giving your T that letter was very brave, and I just love it that your T responded to you this way! Woo-hoo! Rock on!



SG

I love hearing when Ts get it right. Every single thing they get right chips away at the past hurts, love it!

MH
That's awesome that you took such a risk and showed that letter to your T. I know how scary that can be and it was very courageous of you to give it to her. I'm even happier that your T reacted so well and that you were able to find out that your perceptions were wrong. This kind of disruption and repair are a really important part of the healing that happens in therapy. You should be really proud of yourself.

AG