that I'm fine. I don't have DID. She's wrong and clearly has misdiagnosed me and that I am just totally crazy and full of it. Yep, that's the deal. I made it all up. There are no parts.

Maybe I'll just quit T. I'm so tired of being attached to her. It's not good and I feel rather tortured by it.

I'd text her right now and tell her that I don't have DID if I thought she'd do anything but laugh so loud that I could probably hear her all the way at my house. Every time I tell her that she says something stupid like..."that's interesting. I just talked to them. I've seen them" Really? No, I think not T. I'm just a good actress. It's all BS.

Okay, so yeah, I'm having a bad day.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: scaredtoriskmyself,

((((STRM)))))

Ugh. I've gotten that same, "I've seen them" thing. Sometimes I want to ask how he knows I'm not just some ridiculous grown-up with imaginary friends. And yeah, after my Tuesday session, I was ready to say, "F--- this attachment stuff." I hope your day gets better and you're able to be OK with you as you, whether you feel like that means you in lots of little puzzle pieces or that it is all make-believe. Either way, you are cared for and dearly valued. (((((hugs)))))

((((STRM))))

I can't relate, but I feel for you. Sorry you're having a bad day. I hope things get better soon! Hang in there!



MTF

I am really sorry that you are having a really bad day. I really hope that it will get better!!

Attachment is painful and it does feel like torture at times. I have felt at times like I'm really losing control and constantly looking for even just a sniff or the slightest action or statement from T to prove that she hates it an doesn't really care about me and wishes for me to just leave.

But it never fails that later when we meet for sessions, she is so caring, steadfast and so consistant that I feel bad for being angry & doubting her.

Even after I tell her how I felt. She assures me that it is normal and good to be attached, that she does care about me and that we are OK!

She told me last session on Wed. that she thinks a lot about me out of session and that she prays for me all the time. So it seems she does care about me! That was the first time she has ever brought anything pertaining to religion into the sessions and I do know that she is religious, but she doesn't push it. Probably because she knew I have/had an issue with God and my son's death.

Thanks Yaku, MTF, and Marsh.

The really annoying thing is that if I tell T this then she will say it's a sign we are doing too much and need to back off and that feels like the exact opposite of what we need to do. We meaning me and T...because I don't have a "we"...nope it's just me.

I've started to text T and say this "I don't have DID, just so you know." and then I hear in my head..."and Little Kate says hi".

((((STRM))))

Sorry you are struggling with attachment. How can something so wonderful also be so debilitating at times? I ask myself this often.

I am curious...what makes you want to say to your T that you do not have DID? Do you feel she has misdiagnosed you? I'm a little confused because it sounds like a part of you thinks you don't have it but another part of you is acknowledging that you do.

It sounds like you are feeling incredibly discouraged and overwhelmed, STRM, to the point of giving up. I'm sorry, I really am. It must be very difficult and exhausting to do so much work in therapy...to also try to keep a family going...and then with more challenges coming up...I wish I knew what to say, but I don't. I just wanted to send you some hugs and say I'm thinking of you. And I hope it gets better soon.

Love,
SG

quote:

I am curious...what makes you want to say to your T that you do not have DID? Do you feel she has misdiagnosed you? I'm a little confused because it sounds like a part of you thinks you don't have it but another part of you is acknowledging that you do.

Yeah, that's the rub right there. A few of us adults get really pissed off and start to think that either T has played an elaborate trick on us, is just that dumb and misdiagnosed or that we've made it all up. As soon as we say that we get things like I said above...."I don't have DID" "Little Kate says hi" yeah, conflict much?!

Thanks SG. You are right, I'm pretty much to the point of wanting to give up. I think I'm mostly just really frustrated with a bunch of stuff that feels as though it's on the tip of my tongue, but I can't get it out.

((((((STRMS))))))

I actually can relate, although I do not have DID...I really can. Often, it would be so much easier to not have "issues" -that it feels like you could almost pretend them away. The purple bubbles thing? I do this often. All the time in fact. And it makes things so, so...weird. Worse. Purple bubbles might be an ok way to cope for a little while, when the going gets really tough and you need something to stay alive- STRMS but- in the long run, if used too often, as an accepted way of life...they will not keep the pain away, but worsen it. STRMS, I know you don't want to right now, and another part of you does want to- and it's that part of you, you are rejecting, perhaps- but I really strongly encourage you to hang onto your diagnoses right now. Crazy sounding? Yeah. I get that. I really can *just stop* being depressed, at times. No one would ever know! But...it is much worse to live with the sense that you *know* something is wrong, but you have no idea what, or how, or why life is *like this.* It is a confusing, ambivalent, extremely hard place to be. At least you have a roadmap (ok a bit of a hard, painful one to read, and the traveling it is worse, I get that) but you have reasons for things being the way they really are for you. Denial? Yeah, I get that...things get painful as hell and it makes it a little easier to function for awhile...nope, nothing is wrong here, no way. but in the end it just causes more pain, and more self hate, because then there is no rhyme or reason to the pain.

I know you are dealing with the rebuilding trust with your T...and that is hard enough work to do right now. Just try, focus on that for now, if you want my advice. And tell her, yes, how you are feeling about your dx.

So many hugs,

BB

Oh, sTRMS, I hope I do not come on too strong.

Thanks Beebs. No, not too strong at all. I'm not really truly denying anything deep down. It's really just a part of me that comes out and freaks out and thinks that T is tricking us and then we don't really have DID. No DID=no parts=no bad memories. Voila! Problem solved. Only not really and I've BTDT enough to know that.

Apparently someone just sent T a fax and told her that I don't have DID and LK says hi. Awesome. I see T tomorrow, but I'm not even sure how that is going to go because I'm really questioning a lot right now.

Thanks again for your support.

quote:

It's really just a part of me that comes out and freaks out and thinks that T is tricking us and then we don't really have DID. No DID=no parts=no bad memories. Voila!

((((STRM))))

I don't know if this will make you feel better or just bum you out...Before I even saw your post today, I created a list of questions for tomorrow's phone session that are all based around how, when and why T convinced himself of my DID, as it is obviously not true and if I can find out what exactly I did to make him think it was, as early as the beginning of October, maybe I can "fix" it somehow and we can figure out what's "really" wrong with me. Otherwise, maybe he can convince me. But, I hate this in between BS where I can't believe it unless I am IN therapy with very loud not-me voices, thoughts and feelings, and blanking out and fighting off raging headaches or finding very obvious evidence that I'm not always "here," and spend most of my days hating myself for having somehow engineered this ridiculous situation.

I have nothing to offer right now but hugs... to you and Little Kate...

((((STRM))))

Me thinks I need to see how close to a full moon we are... bad days are being had by many right now, or so it seems!

(((((STRM))))) Short on words right now, but I hope tomorrow's session goes okay.

Thanks Yaku, R2G and Kashley.

Yaku: Yeah, BTDT. T won't be phased by me saying that I think she's wrong. After she officially diagnosed me I went on a three week long research tangent to prove her wrong and all it did was convince me she was right. Really ticked me off. I know she is right, but I don't want her to be right because I don't want any of this. I just want to be normal and have regular people problems. Ya know?!

Hi STRMS

quote:

As soon as we say that we get things like I said above...."I don't have DID" "Little Kate says hi"

Awwww that's so hard, that little part is not wanting to be ignored, yet how simpler life might be sometimes if you could pretend they weren't there. And I TOTALLY get the fear about saying too much and have T saying she's back off, that simply adds to your horrid dilemma.

Sometimes we have to accept that there are tmes when we don't want to accept reality, be it for a few hours, a few days or like me, even years. That's because reality is sometimes too hard to face, especially alone, so don't beat yourself up about telling yourself anything for a while if it helps.

Don't give up STRMS, you have done sooooo well.

quote:

I think I'm mostly just really frustrated with a bunch of stuff that feels as though it's on the tip of my tongue, but I can't get it out.

.....my T always tells me I have real difficulties for weeks just before something very important and significant to shifting things a little, is said. Hang in there...may it happen for you.

(((STRMS)))


starfish