Hi LL...just wondering how it's going...have you met again with T1 and/or T2? (peers inside LL's cabin window)

SG

LOL...sorry about that, monte, and LL too...didn't mean to be a "peeping SG". I'll go back to just hanging out at the edge of the woods.

SG you’re not only welcome to peer through the curtains but come right in and have a cup of tea (and some fudge cake I’ve just made).

Thanks so much for thinking of me. I seem to be getting more screwed up with this new T business each day that passes and have landed myself in an exceptionally bad place - it must be bad because I can’t even bring myself to talk/write about any of it and that’s got to be a first. None of it is going well at all and I’m having a hell of a job keeping myself rational - real head down get through the days state at the moment. So apologies to everyone for not posting, I am still reading just not capable of replying much.

By the way SG I agree with BB please if you could bear to leave that longish (lol) post up I would appreciate it, lots that you said in it I know I want to reply to, just haven’t got the brain cells firing well enough right now to say it properly.

LL

{{{{{{{{{{Lamplighter}}}}}}}}}}

You are so kind...I'd LOVE some tea and fudge cake...how decadent ...next time I will bring the cake...I just recently made a chocolate bundt cake called "Tunnel of Fudge" I'd like you to try, it is to die for. Then I can sing you a song, rub your feet, massage your temples...something to help get you through this desert-place you are in right now.

And don't worry, I won't delete the "longish" (yeah, I'd say LOL!) post...although it's just about killing me to leave it up there. Just know that we are here thinking about you and ready to listen and support you when you are feeling up to posting again.

Hugs,
SG

LL

More hugs coming your way ((((((((LL))))))))).......(and I can do great big hugs with all 5 legs/arms )

So sorry it's so tough, please stay reading and posting dear friend.

starfish

(((((LL))))))
I'm sorry, I hate when it gets so bad you can't even post about it. Just know we're here and pulling for you. I hope it gets better soon.

AG

Strummergirl, Draggers, Starfish and Attachment Girl (I started out with just the initials and it looked really silly!) - thank you so much for your sympathy and support - it really means a lot to me and is like a ray of light in this black mess i've gotten myself into. You've made me feel just that little bit less lost and alone and that matters to me bigtime - so thank you again, so much.

Hugs to you all

LL

LL - just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of support. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time of it and I hope things get better soon.

LL, I'm so sorry that this continues to be such a struggle for you and that you are in such a bad place. I hope that things improve soon. I'm thinking about you. ((((LL))))

Great big hug LL. Thinking of you.

Big bear hugs from me, LL. ((((((LL))))))

Hugs from your feathery friend...(((((LL))))))

BB

Thanks again for your support guys. It really does help . Think I’m getting somewhere with the mess in my head - mega post could be coming up soon

LL

UV thanks so much for your really helpful reply.

You’re so right about expectations. Ditto for me when I first went into therapy I didn’t have any conscious expectations because I didn’t really know what therapy was all about - but I DID have an assumption that a therapist knew what to do and was there to actively help me (ha ha how wrong could I be!) Many years later lol, I have a lot more open expectations of therapy, and have to say that this forum has informed a lot of them (all to the good!). Therapists for some reason don’t seem to make a point of explaining how therapy works or what a client can reasonably expect and that rather annoys the hell out of me!

Having worked my way through about a zillion therapists, particularly recently, I’ve come to realize I have pretty explicit expectations that stem from emotional needs - and while it screws my head up trying to sort whether these expectations/needs are realistic or not, or in my best interests, the bottom line is that any rational decision I make (if you can call it rational lol) is going to be based on my emotional responses to a T. Getting my needs met is (and has been *sigh*) such an overwhelming lifelong priority for me I’d be hampering myself not to go with a T who seems to be meeting them. Spent too many wasted and sometimes lethal hours with Ts with whom I had no emotional connection at all (except maybe negative) or maybe more to the point who had no emotional connection with ME, that I’m leaning more to allowing my feelings dictate my decisions (which doesn’t mean I don’t spend days and days endlessly thinking about it all as rationally as I can lol).

Actually reading your added post I think I’m saying in my typically wordy way, exactly what you’ve been telling me!

quote:

You stated so many concerns; i.e. needing to be in therapy 2 x a week and the length absences. Those are huge. I think you could be very disappointed if you chooose this T, despite the positive aspects/her qualities. The other rational component-you know you are going to be in this for the 'long term', thus, you know you will have to deal with one obstacle after another about getting your therapeutic needs met.

UV that’s exactly my fears! I just found out that this T will be off for more surgery again in six months time, which will involve another six plus weeks out of action. The frequency of sessions IS a big issue for me I can’t get away from that - the unavailability and potential breaks is what’s throwing the massive spanner in the works.

quote:

As far as seeing more than one T, I don't personally believe that is a good idea. I've never experienced that, so I can't say from experience as some others might. I just imagine that for myself, it would somehow take away from my therapy. I see potential confusion and triangular transference emerging. Although that could be positive-you could work thru triangular issues; then again, if you were intersted in doing so, some Ts might not be comfortable iwth that. You have already recognized some anticipated discomforts you would potentially have.

Totally agree with your UV, seeing two Ts at the same time is a recipe for bad therapy. Even these last couple of weeks seeing the two Ts purely in order to sort out what I’m going to do, I already ran into the issue of finding myself about to bring up stuff with one T that had arisen in session with the other T (kept having to check myself so as not to let it slip). But also, it’s the whole thing of commitment - running two Ts at the same time makes it hard to really commit to the therapy - always the temptation to play ‘mummy off against daddy’ type of thing, hedging bets and staying too defended ‘just in case’... And what’s worse is that Ts round here seem totally against a client being in any other form of therapy that doesn’t involve them (not ‘allowed’ to go to a group unless they are presenting it for instance) so even having a back up support T seems out of the question… I actually asked T-I-like in previous session about her finding me someone but she isn’t from this area and only knows Ts in a different county - too far away - BUT she was also really clear that she wouldn’t be my T if I was seeing someone else in the meantime so whatever other T I saw would have had to be my sole therapy, not just a back up while I’m waiting.

quote:

As for being more concrete about T qualities...I definitely recognized the 'being on my side' feeling you mentioned right away with my T. Since I am a fearful person, and I know from what you said you will relate to this, the reason I felt that, I believe, is because he was very honest and direct about his own feelings. I also think the being on your side feeling comes from being accepted, natrually, but mainly from feeling safe and trusting. This comes from T transparency. Maybe it was subtle (maybe not) but this T may have been direct about something that led you to feel safer.

I did some reading about paranoia and hypervigilance, and since you mentioned fears, maybe this concept will help you identify T traits that work for you. The more something is less obvious/abstract, the more it is feared. If it is concrete/provable, it doesn't cause paranoia (fear/anxiety-whatever you want to call it) to escalate. I so recognized this when I am fearful. An example-if a T has nothing on her desk, no pictures in the room, etc., your mind can fill in the blanks. If T has family photos and lots of stuff around (my T's office is filled with personal stuff), you don't fill in the blanks. If Ts office does not reflect anything about her, you may-probably unconsciously-wonder what she is 'hiding'.

You know UV that makes a lot of sense. The thing that’s struck me so positively about both Ts is that they come across as genuine - they are who they present themselves to be. Can’t quite put my finger on it but I just feel this authenticity coming from both of them. And yes both self disclose to quite a high degree (in one case, actually too much for me - I don’t WANT to know all this stuff about a T, not this early in the piece, because it just makes me concerned for them, thinking about them and putting them into the context of their external lives - stops me relating to them as a therapist and makes me relate to them more as a contemporary/friend and that’s not good for me right now.) Don’t know, I find myself stuck between two poles on the transparency/self-disclosure issue - on the one hand I want an ideal T who is there just for ME - totally involved with and thinking about nothing but ME - on the other hand to have a T be ‘human’ - ie bring their own feelings and thoughts to the therapy apart from me - could be more helpful in terms of experiencing how I respond in a ‘real’ relationship. This is confusing me. What a surprise.

I’m still not clear what the hell is going on with me and these Ts, and need to think about it a whole lot more - will be posting a new thread about it all shortly once I’ve edited down the several million repetitive and confusing words I will no doubt end up with once I start writing it out.

Thanks again UV for your really helpful and supportive reply.



LL

Thanks again UV for your thoughtful and supportive reply. :hug:

Been thinking more about this T self-disclosure thing, I get how in the end it can increase trust. I think though at the beginning of T it’s something that makes me pretty uncomfortable. Sort of reinforces the prohibition in my head about relating to and focusing everything in therapy on me.

Still it’s academic right now lol. Thought I’d post in this thread where I’m at with finding a new T as I can’t seem to bring myself to post that threatened mega post about it all.

As of Friday I am now T-less for the next few weeks, until the T-I-like comes back to work around September-ish. Did continue seeing T2 right up until Friday but just knew (after 6 sessions) that it wasn’t going to work for me. (She is the one who did a lot of self-disclosing.) But it wasn’t so much the self disclosing as that her approach was far too close to CBT to instil in me any levels of trust that she knew what I was on about. In fact despite careful and repetitive explanations on my part, it was pretty clear that she really didn’t get me at all. Which is a shame as there was something so very genuine about her that I intuitively responded to.

Anyway, I’m now committed to T1 - for some very good reasons (which are what I keep wanting to put up a thread about, but can’t seem to make myself sit down and think about it properly). So I’m going into limbo land for a while - don’t know how I’m going to get through the waiting, but ain’t got much of a choice. And you can bet I’ll be putting myself through hoops imagining all sorts of negative scenarios that will end up in my being permanently T-less. Uncertainty, doubt, fear I hate it all!

That reminds me of a comment you made earlier UV, about the spaces, the not knowing, which allows our fears to fill with worst case scenarios - and it’s infinitely worse when there’s no way of being able to disprove those projected fears. Uggghhh!!!!

Anyway, after having seen 14 therapists since first starting looking end of last year, I think I can say I have finally found the right T. I hope .

Thanks every one for your support throughout this - couldn’t have done it without this forum.

LL