Mayo,

Yes, that makes sense and has been my experience as well. The memories that we have processed are not causing the issues that they once were. The reality of the existence of these circumstances when I was a child still stings, but the emotion of the memories themselves is much less than it was. Too bad it doesn't apply to new stuff as it comes up! Darn it!

STRM thank you for that last post of yours. You said it so perfectly. I usually describe it to my T as opening the closet door to maybe get to one thing and instead all of this "stuff" falls out and I'm sitting there surrounded by awful things that I want to shove back into the closet but now that it has all fallen out I can't get it to fit back in again and close the door and lock it all away. He told me that there is a reason it all fell out and that we can look at all the stuff together and decide what to keep and what we can put back into the closet but in it's proper place, we can store it in a better way so that when I open the door again it will be okay and I won't be overwhelmed by an avalanche of "stuff".

But... I'm still trying to cram everything back in without looking at it too closely so that I shove the door closed and lock it. It just feels less scary to do that but I realize that I do need to look at the stuff/memories/experiences/pain and grief. Because that is the only way I can put it in it's place so that I can live my life without the anxiety and fear of what's in that closet.

Oh and... I love that your T says that the slower you go the faster you will get there. I think that this is really important and I do have trouble with it. I try to rush ahead too fast and then trigger myself with overwhelming emotions that I cannot handle and then I freak out and actually regress and then we have to work through that before we can move ahead. We are working on keeping me in the therapeutic window... meaning to work that fine balance of looking at things but not too many or too quickly.

TN

Starfish, it seems like you really did need to unpack some of that awful stuff, though, but it seems to me from what people posted above, that what you are now experiencing is a perfectly normal response. There is nothing wrong with you...you are doing everything the right way, just believe your T's words, when she tells you that it will certainly take time. You can't do all at once, it is far too much! Little steps, one day at a time, then maybe from time to time a bigger step, then slow down again...that is the way to go. You will reach that summit...and stretch all 5 pointy little arms out in the sunshine!
((((Starfish, and all))))))))

BB

STRM

quote:

My T always says that I can try to "take a break" from the intensity, but I always say that is so hard because I can't un-remember something. Ya know? It is still there and follows me around like my shadow all day long and haunts me like a nightmare all night long

That's it in a nutshell, really is. I have had similar from my T who always wants to give me options along the way, but I tell her I can't put it back now it's out - it's too big anyway to fit back in the box I thought I had it contained in anyway. And you are right - you can't unremember either. And your T is right, you have to get that fine balance between doing the work and it not being so overwhelming as to disrupt everyday life. But that's a hard balance for me, I am impatient with myself, think I should have this sorted by now and give myself an endless hard time, because deep down I know I still am carrying the blame

And thanks for the encouragement all of you, thatthe load gets lighter. If I am rational I know that some of the memories we have finally processed are tolerable and not bothersome any more.....so it can happen and it does work. It's hard to keep a grip sometimes when you're in the midst of it all though isn't it?

TN,I resonate with this

quote:

I'm still trying to cram everything back in without looking at it too closely so that I shove the door closed and lock it. It just feels less scary to do that but I realize that I do need to look at the stuff/memories/experiences/pain and grief. Because that is the only way I can put it in it's place so that I can live my life without the anxiety and fear of what's in that closet.

I had shoved everything away so well for so many years, thought my box was watertight. But it's not and slowly but surely it all started to leak out, drop by drop or sometimes in a horrible gush. So I'd shove it all back in and put a patch on the leak and then the time bomb would start ticking until I sprung another leak. This has been going on for many years, with me stubbornly refusing to look at all but the easier contents, but now I know I have to do exactly as you said - face the stuff/memories(and especially)pain and grief before I can ever be free of it. But the work is hard and I admit I am struggling with the enormity of what I have found in my box.

BB thanks for the encouragement - perhaps we can all leave our log cabins and have a party when we reach that summit

starfish

((((((((((Starfish))))))))))

Take your time. For what it's worth, I don't have any doubt that you are on the right track.

Hang in there Starfish- the stuff that doesn't kill ya will make you stronger in the end. Take the process at your own pace- I think that is the key, that is what I hear everyone saying.
Hugs to you ((((((Starfish))))))

Wanna hear something cool? (I think)
I saw my T yesterday, and instead of saying- "I will see you in two weeks" , he said- "Do you want to come back in two weeks?" All I could say was "ahhhhh....."
He told me in session (twice) that I am strong.
Ok- the brain kicks in- he changed his words for one of 3 reasons (you'd think I would ask- but NO) Either he has confidence that I can go longer than 2 weeks, we is worried about my finances, (no summer job yet) or he wants to get rid of me (no indication of that except in my own insecurities- so I will let that one go)
I know it goes against the framework- (never liked the frame anyway- does not fit me) but I finally did get a hug, yea. (Back to feeling more like a fatherly hug- no crazy feelings on my part, but he looked so tan- and his eyes were so blue..... oh boy.)
Anyway- good session, sorry to interrupt the flow.

I might be posting less- but not disappearing- it's all good.

Again Starfish-be well
"It works if you work it, so work it - you're worth it."

Mayo: Glad you had a good session. I think your T was probably just trying to give you a choice. Perhaps he just feels you are doing really well! Glad you got a hug, sounds like it was nice.

Starfish: Oh yes, the blame the guilt the feeling like we are doing it wrong. I am very well acquainted with those feelings. In my struggle to find the balance and correct pacing of therapy, I often bump into those feelings of not doing it right and feeling inherently wrong in everything that I do and everything that I am. Usually at those points, my T and I end up having a session specifically talking about pacing and just checking in with how therapy is going rather than getting into any major issues. It usually helps. You will get there and in the meantime we will all be here to walk with you through this.

Speaking of the frame...

...I just emailed my T to see if it'd be OK if I called over the weekend. I'm really in an awful place. I've been battling a stretch of feeling intense anxiety/brain fog basically 24/7 for an entire month, and I've got another 6 days before I see my T again (we're on a 2 week break).

I've been trying to do some work on my own in the interim (doing some writing on my feelings, describing my dreams, trying to FEEL what might be under the symptoms, etc.) but I don't seem to have any inner resources against this thing. It's just relentless. I want to be able to help myself at least a little! I guess I'll just keep the Klonopin handy.

I know there's not much he can do for me right now, but I asked if it'd be OK if we just chatted for a few minutes. Last night, I felt like I was going to suffocate in the un-nameable fear. It was just horrendous.

Good grief, I've been dealing with this evil thing for over two years now...who spends TWO YEARS feeling this way, and while in therapy? I can't stop thinking, "what in the name of God is wrong with me? Am I really this broken? What is the MEANING of this? Is it just suffering for the sake of suffering? Cuz that's what it's feeling like."

Oh yes, it's also my birthday Sunday...so while I'm supposed to be all happy and celebratory with the rest of the country and all my friends, I feel like this.

And then of course I beat myself up for posting here about all my problems. I feel like a self-obsessed, totally broken person right now.

If my symptoms are a way of distracting me from feelings, I wish to God I'd start letting myself feel the damn feelings already. I feel like I can't take much more of this. I'm just totally exhausted and exasperated with this experience.

And now I've got to spend the afternoon and night out with friends. I know this is all so much self-pity, but I wonder if there's an actual end to this nightmare that my life has become.

Russ

{{{{{{{{Starfish}}}}}}}}

There is not anything helpful I can offer on how to deal with the memories you have...I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you have to deal with them at all...it sounds like a terrible burden you (and others on this forum) have to carry. The only thing that comes to mind, and I'm sure you've already considered this or are even trying it maybe, is EMDR...supposedly that can process traumatic memories so that it feels like they get resolved more quickly...my impression has been that it gives relief...but of course it works differently for everyone, and some not at all. I just really hope you are able to get some relief from the pain very soon! No one should have to endure memories like this. I'm so sorry, SF.

Hugs,
SG

{{{{{{{{Russ}}}}}}}}

A whole month of this...oh, it sounds terribly exhausting...yes, call your T at least, good for you emailing him to ask. I hope he gets back to you straight away. And FWIW, I don't think it sounds like self-pity, Russ...it sounds like completely understandable exhaustion and frustration after living with so much chronic pain that is interfering with your life. There is not much more I can say, just that I hope those feelings break through soon, if that is what needs to happen for you to find relief from this nightmare fog.

SG

p.s. Given the context of your post, this might sound sarcastic, but I don't mean it that way...I hope in some way you are able to have a Happy Birthday.

SG,

Thanks for the kind words.

My T got right back to me, saying he'd be available on Sunday if I want to call.

But man, I hate his email persona. It's about as warm and comforting as a burlap blanket. Would it kill the guy to address me by name? See, I really DO want and need some warmth!!! He just ain't gonna give it to me. All he'll do is talk about the importance of my wanting and needing it. I seem to have changed my tune from the time I started this thread.

So I'll call then if I still feel I need to.

Thanks again for the well wishes. It means a lot to me.

Russ

Russ,

I agree with SG, it sounds like you are just worn out from dealing with all of this and that is completely understandable. I'm glad that you were able to reach out to your T and that he got back with you. Hopefully just knowing that you can call him if you need to will help. I know if I know that I have that backup that it sometimes lessens the anxiety even if I don't use it.

I hate how T's can seem so different via email or even over the phone vs how they are in person. That can be tough.


Starfish:

I am going to second EMDR. I have used it myself and did find it to be helpful.

I hope you are feeling better soon. ((((starfish))))

SG and STRM. thank you for the kind words and the hugs, they help.

Have discussed EMDR but something really scares me about it, links back to some things that were difficult back then. I know my T would be willing to try it though, I'm just very wary but know how effective it can be. We have discussed it but I've always resisted, perhaps I am cutting off my nose to spite my face T will go with what I feel comfortable with - it's just that nothing is very comfortable doing this is it?

Russ, I'm glad your T got right back to you, that feels important. Sorry that it's still so hard for you though.

starfish

((( Russ )))

As I’ve read your posts (old ones as well) I’ve had a sense of knowing a little bit of the fear/brain fog you describe. If you’re like me (needing to sort things out in between therapy sessions, desperate to get a handle on what the hell is going on in my head) then deliberately trying to chase elusive and possibly threatening feelings can be a really dangerous thing to do. Sorry don’t want to frighten you, just wanting to say that maybe pushing yourself to understand on your own the dynamics within you can make the fear and fog worse. I get the sense that your T’s email reply has maybe kicked you out of the fog a bit and brought back the anger - and am going to say, that’s good - explanation below

I had a couple of replies to other of your threads but didn’t post them, I’m going to try and remember what I wrote as I think maybe it might be useful (well I hope so anyway.)

What struck me was this comment of yours in a previous thread (the Two Week Break)

quote:

And even when I'm furious with my T and he doesn't do anything that my dad would do in that situation, I still can't seem to see that my feelings are being honored, validated and respected. If I were able to do this, I think I'd be making more progress.

In my initial reply I wrote something like - well if you don’t feel that your feelings are being validated and respected, that means they aren’t! I don’t mean that your T is not validating and understanding you, but that if you don’t feel it then no amount of accepting it rationally will make it true. And my ‘advice’ in that reply was for you to act on that sense of lack - dig your heels in, throw a tantrum, tell him you don’t FEEL validated and understood, DEMAND it, use the anger you’re comfortable with to really push for it - going with the anger at T (as opposed to at your dad) and especially for something that might appear ‘unreasonable’ and ‘childish’ is a pretty good way to break through to whatever hurt or unmet needs or other underground feelings might be fuelling it - without your having to chase what you think ought to be there but can’t find.

I’ve found that pushing the anger on my own allowed me glimpses of other stuff underneath, but that got pretty quickly swamped in the black fear - with me spinning out. On the other hand, being able to go with it with the person at whom the anger is directed (and it seems to me your T is comfortable with your anger so you can be assured you’ll be heard without defensiveness) allows whatever is lurking underneath a chance to peek out spontaneously and in safety.

I’ve resurrected my thoughts on your situation because I can hear how his being different in email has actually made things worse for you (I HATE the way all Ts seem to become different out of session hours - there’s reasons for it but it still throws me for one into profound fear and doubt...). I’m wondering if a big part of what’s creating the black fog of anxiety in your head isn’t actually a lot to do with anger at people/things that you haven’t yet identified or admitted to yourself? Sorry if that’s pushy and imposing interpretations on you - I’m basing it purely on my experience and the fact that I sense quite a bit of similarity between your set up and mine.

In any event, I really hope you will be ok and that you DO contact T if you feel you need to - and that despite everything you have a very happy birthday!

LL

Starfish - big hugs for you - a party at the summit sounds like a pretty good idea, let's hope it's SOON.

LL