Ok since there haven’t been any active posts on A General Theory of Love I thought it was time to start a new book discussion. So if I may, I wonder how many have read Deborah A. Lott’s book “In Session-The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists” And you don’t have to be a woman to read or to relate to this book.

I will open the discussion along with the statement as to how much this book helped me to understand transference and to not be afraid of it. I was so relieved and so engrossed with the candidness of the experiences of other clients that I read it cover to cover within 48 hours. I immediately felt that I could relate to these women and I felt comforted to know that what I was experiencing was not as horrible as I initially believed it was. I was relieved to find that this is a healthy, normal, and common part of therapy and moreover that I could discuss this with my T.

So what do you think?

Good idea, JM. This was a great book. I read it at least 3 times and I have given it to my T to read. I wish I had it back because I like to re-read parts of it to reassure myself that these very intense feelings I have for him are somewhat normal. There is something written on page 41 that really resonated with me. I wish I had the book to quote exactly but generally what it said was that ... It is inherently tragic that we invest so much of ourselves and come to care so much about someone who we will never truly know and are destined to lose. It's at the bottom of the page. Each time I read this I know it's true and it breaks my heart. I have come to accept the fact that I cannot know my T in his "other" life, nor be a part of it. Or at least I think I do. Sometimes (like tonight) it is just so hard to turn off my feelings and walk out that door. I want to pound the walls. But there are other times when I feel that we have such a special and emotionally intimate relationship that I would not trade it for anything. Reading this book has explained some of what I'm feeling and why. I found the chapter of The Approximate Relationship fascinating.

TN

I've read the book three times but no longer have my copy because I gave it to someone who was struggling with transference and couldn't track down a copy.

The first time I read it, I could NOT put it down. It was such a relief to know that these kind of intense feelings happened to a lot of people in therapy. As a matter of fact, I read it the second time fairly soon after because I went through it so fast the first time, it felt like I hadn't been able to take everything in.

The other way the book was really helpful was that I saw some of me in the specific cases that were discussed. There was a chapter where a woman talked about dreaming she was a vast open maw who would consume her therapist. That articulated something I've felt for a long time but had never been able to put into words. I was able to talk to my T about it. It was really significant in helping me identify how uneasy I was with my own needs and how much they scared me.

I wish more people would write on the topic from the patients' perspective.

AG

quote:

I wish more people would write on the topic from the patients' perspective.

I am. I just haven't completed the final touches. maybe some day when my head doesn't feel so scattered.

I'm waiting for that and I want an autographed copy!

Sure no problem! (stand in line)-LOL! Perhaps one day MY book will be on a discussion forum. LOL-I'm too funny.

Anyway, back to the "In Session" discussion...

I think the other thing that "In Session" helped with was to realize that for therapists who were competent that even though the boundaries were important to maintain, the relationship was a real one for the therapist also and they do really care for their patients.One of the scariest things about transference is that sickening feeling of powerlessness. That this person is so very important to you, is at the center of your life (at one point it really felt like if I lost my T, I would die)but you might mean nothing to them. That it was just a job and you were just an annoyance. From the therapists that Deborah Lott interviewed, that wasn't true. I found that very comforting because even though my T was telling me the relationship was a real one, it felt like he "had" to say that so it was good having it confirmed by an outside disinterested source.

AG

quote:

It is inherently tragic that we invest so much of ourselves and come to care so much about someone who we will never truly know and are destined to lose. It's at the bottom of the page. Each time I read this I know it's true and it breaks my heart. I have come to accept the fact that I cannot know my T in his "other" life, nor be a part of it. Or at least I think I do.

I know what you mean True North. I think I wept bitterly when I came to that line. But I too found solace in the security I know I have with my T due to the characteristics unique to this relationship. “Inherently difficult relationship” I might add, which phrase I frequently borrow from this book too.

Yes, JM... it is hard for me to even think of the "destined to lose" part. The thought of eventual termination freaks me out so much I cannot even read about it in a book. Guess that means I'm no where near ready for it I have told my T about my fears and he understands. He told me that I am always welcome to come back and that he door is always open to me. I told him that when the time comes I hope to be able to handle it but until then I cannot even think about it. He just means too much to me and has had such an impact on my life that I find it hard to contemplate a life without him in it. Therapy can be so hard sometimes.

TN

haven't heard of or read the book... but waiting for the 'reader's digest' version here.

Scott

TN,
Earlier this year after I had worked through my major traumas I came to the conclusion that I was done with therapy and discussed this with my T. I knew it was approaching and I held my feelings about that at bay until I finally broke down and cried in her office and I confessed that I am not ready to terminate. I felt like I was going to die. I didn’t care that she had an open door policy and I could call her and see her as often as I wanted to and that she would gradually lengthen the time between sessions to make it easier. (Pull the band aid off slowly why don’t ya!) I couldn’t bear the loss and I felt myself grieving my own mother’s death and previous unavailability to me all over again. This was also one of the times my T shared in my tears with me as she comforted me and insisted that I don’t have to leave until I am ready to leave. It was always my call and will always BE my call. And we’ve been working on my insecure attachment ever since and to be honest, I don’t see an end in sight any time soon. There is a lot of work to be done there. But yet I know that it is important that one day I move on, and I will. Someday.
JM

Scott,
I'll give the Reader's Digest version a shot.

In Session is a book written about how the client experiences therapy from the client's point of view. The author surveyed several hundred women who had done varying lengths of therapy and different types who were willing to talk about their experiences. Based on the surveys, she went on to do in-depth interviews and used some of theri stories in the book as well as interviewing therapists to get their point of view about what the clients were saying.

It's one of the few books that addresses how common transference is, including erotic transference, how it should be responsibly handled by a therapist, and what happens when it isn't. For anyone experiencing intense transference with a T it's almost a "must read" because it really helps you realize that it's a pretty normal reaction and you're not alone.

I know several women who have given it to their therapist to read. For me reading helped me to make sense out of what was going on with all the intense emotions and even highlighted a couple of issues for me. On the upside, I decided not to give it to my T because he was already doing it right, so it served as a confirmation that I had found a good T.

Hope that helps!

AG

Scott,

This is such a good book, I'd hate to see you not give yourself an oppotunity to read it if you wanted to. But I understand that with your schedule as hectic and overloaded as it is, it may be next to impossible to make time for it. But it is an easy read which makes it enjoyable for me not having to struggle to "want to read it" or to undertsand the meaning of endless psychobabble terms like with some books. But if you ever get a chance to read anything aside from your text books, this is my favorite book.

I just want to add here that today in my session we were again talking about termination (in general not mine, not now at least) and my T who up till now had confessed he had not opened this book that I lent to him 3 months ago got up and pulled out the book and quoted me something on page 10...it was similar to that famous quote on p 41 that makes me cry. Anyway, I smiled and said... you need to read what it says on p41 which he immediately flipped to and since it was already highlighted he found it easily. He read it out loud to me and then shut the book at looked at me and said "well, that's it, isn't it? A huge bind." I shook my head saying..."that's the really hard part about all of this and I cannot even begin to think of it right now... the part about leaving here."

I think today he finally "got it". And we had a wonderful session which left me with a warm feeling of being cared for.

TN

That is so awesome, not only did he read the book (finally!) but he obviously got it. That he was able to go straight to a passage that really spoke to you is really evidence of both his care and attunement. Hey, he can learn about attachement issues but you can't fake a relationship. I really believe that's the most important part for healing.

And enjoy that warm feeling of being cared for, you deserve it!

I got a kick out of him saying "A huge bind" since that's what my T ALWAYS calls it. Do you think they have vocabulary training in counseling school?

AG