Good idea, JM. This was a great book. I read it at least 3 times and I have given it to my T to read. I wish I had it back because I like to re-read parts of it to reassure myself that these very intense feelings I have for him are somewhat normal. There is something written on page 41 that really resonated with me. I wish I had the book to quote exactly but generally what it said was that ... It is inherently tragic that we invest so much of ourselves and come to care so much about someone who we will never truly know and are destined to lose. It's at the bottom of the page. Each time I read this I know it's true and it breaks my heart. I have come to accept the fact that I cannot know my T in his "other" life, nor be a part of it. Or at least I think I do. Sometimes (like tonight) it is just so hard to turn off my feelings and walk out that door. I want to pound the walls. But there are other times when I feel that we have such a special and emotionally intimate relationship that I would not trade it for anything. Reading this book has explained some of what I'm feeling and why. I found the chapter of The Approximate Relationship fascinating.

TN

I've read the book three times but no longer have my copy because I gave it to someone who was struggling with transference and couldn't track down a copy.

The first time I read it, I could NOT put it down. It was such a relief to know that these kind of intense feelings happened to a lot of people in therapy. As a matter of fact, I read it the second time fairly soon after because I went through it so fast the first time, it felt like I hadn't been able to take everything in.

The other way the book was really helpful was that I saw some of me in the specific cases that were discussed. There was a chapter where a woman talked about dreaming she was a vast open maw who would consume her therapist. That articulated something I've felt for a long time but had never been able to put into words. I was able to talk to my T about it. It was really significant in helping me identify how uneasy I was with my own needs and how much they scared me.

I wish more people would write on the topic from the patients' perspective.

AG

quote:

I wish more people would write on the topic from the patients' perspective.

I am. I just haven't completed the final touches. maybe some day when my head doesn't feel so scattered.

I'm waiting for that and I want an autographed copy!

Sure no problem! (stand in line)-LOL! Perhaps one day MY book will be on a discussion forum. LOL-I'm too funny.

Anyway, back to the "In Session" discussion...

I think the other thing that "In Session" helped with was to realize that for therapists who were competent that even though the boundaries were important to maintain, the relationship was a real one for the therapist also and they do really care for their patients.One of the scariest things about transference is that sickening feeling of powerlessness. That this person is so very important to you, is at the center of your life (at one point it really felt like if I lost my T, I would die)but you might mean nothing to them. That it was just a job and you were just an annoyance. From the therapists that Deborah Lott interviewed, that wasn't true. I found that very comforting because even though my T was telling me the relationship was a real one, it felt like he "had" to say that so it was good having it confirmed by an outside disinterested source.

AG

quote:

It is inherently tragic that we invest so much of ourselves and come to care so much about someone who we will never truly know and are destined to lose. It's at the bottom of the page. Each time I read this I know it's true and it breaks my heart. I have come to accept the fact that I cannot know my T in his "other" life, nor be a part of it. Or at least I think I do.

I know what you mean True North. I think I wept bitterly when I came to that line. But I too found solace in the security I know I have with my T due to the characteristics unique to this relationship. “Inherently difficult relationship” I might add, which phrase I frequently borrow from this book too.

Yes, JM... it is hard for me to even think of the "destined to lose" part. The thought of eventual termination freaks me out so much I cannot even read about it in a book. Guess that means I'm no where near ready for it I have told my T about my fears and he understands. He told me that I am always welcome to come back and that he door is always open to me. I told him that when the time comes I hope to be able to handle it but until then I cannot even think about it. He just means too much to me and has had such an impact on my life that I find it hard to contemplate a life without him in it. Therapy can be so hard sometimes.

TN

haven't heard of or read the book... but waiting for the 'reader's digest' version here.

Scott

TN,
Earlier this year after I had worked through my major traumas I came to the conclusion that I was done with therapy and discussed this with my T. I knew it was approaching and I held my feelings about that at bay until I finally broke down and cried in her office and I confessed that I am not ready to terminate. I felt like I was going to die. I didn’t care that she had an open door policy and I could call her and see her as often as I wanted to and that she would gradually lengthen the time between sessions to make it easier. (Pull the band aid off slowly why don’t ya!) I couldn’t bear the loss and I felt myself grieving my own mother’s death and previous unavailability to me all over again. This was also one of the times my T shared in my tears with me as she comforted me and insisted that I don’t have to leave until I am ready to leave. It was always my call and will always BE my call. And we’ve been working on my insecure attachment ever since and to be honest, I don’t see an end in sight any time soon. There is a lot of work to be done there. But yet I know that it is important that one day I move on, and I will. Someday.
JM

Scott,
I'll give the Reader's Digest version a shot.

In Session is a book written about how the client experiences therapy from the client's point of view. The author surveyed several hundred women who had done varying lengths of therapy and different types who were willing to talk about their experiences. Based on the surveys, she went on to do in-depth interviews and used some of theri stories in the book as well as interviewing therapists to get their point of view about what the clients were saying.

It's one of the few books that addresses how common transference is, including erotic transference, how it should be responsibly handled by a therapist, and what happens when it isn't. For anyone experiencing intense transference with a T it's almost a "must read" because it really helps you realize that it's a pretty normal reaction and you're not alone.

I know several women who have given it to their therapist to read. For me reading helped me to make sense out of what was going on with all the intense emotions and even highlighted a couple of issues for me. On the upside, I decided not to give it to my T because he was already doing it right, so it served as a confirmation that I had found a good T.

Hope that helps!

AG

Scott,

This is such a good book, I'd hate to see you not give yourself an oppotunity to read it if you wanted to. But I understand that with your schedule as hectic and overloaded as it is, it may be next to impossible to make time for it. But it is an easy read which makes it enjoyable for me not having to struggle to "want to read it" or to undertsand the meaning of endless psychobabble terms like with some books. But if you ever get a chance to read anything aside from your text books, this is my favorite book.

I just want to add here that today in my session we were again talking about termination (in general not mine, not now at least) and my T who up till now had confessed he had not opened this book that I lent to him 3 months ago got up and pulled out the book and quoted me something on page 10...it was similar to that famous quote on p 41 that makes me cry. Anyway, I smiled and said... you need to read what it says on p41 which he immediately flipped to and since it was already highlighted he found it easily. He read it out loud to me and then shut the book at looked at me and said "well, that's it, isn't it? A huge bind." I shook my head saying..."that's the really hard part about all of this and I cannot even begin to think of it right now... the part about leaving here."

I think today he finally "got it". And we had a wonderful session which left me with a warm feeling of being cared for.

TN

That is so awesome, not only did he read the book (finally!) but he obviously got it. That he was able to go straight to a passage that really spoke to you is really evidence of both his care and attunement. Hey, he can learn about attachement issues but you can't fake a relationship. I really believe that's the most important part for healing.

And enjoy that warm feeling of being cared for, you deserve it!

I got a kick out of him saying "A huge bind" since that's what my T ALWAYS calls it. Do you think they have vocabulary training in counseling school?

AG

glad for you tn. i am dying to read the book myself, but haven't been able to get my hands on a copy yet. i plan to get one soon!

love that book too!
I cant read certain parts of the maternal transference part because it is too real for me.
Reading parts about boundaries and transference was very helpful to me.

I have been reading and rereading parts of this book over and over again. I can't get enough of it! I'm taking it with me to my next session to show my T because it makes things so easy to understand. I just can't say enough about how it wraps the information up into nice, easy to understand little pieces. It's almost like it's helping me to put the pieces together. I am so glad I have it!

It's difficult to read at times for me too em. It's hard, but I try to separate the fact gathering process from the emotional process. For me, the grieving somes after the knowledge has set in. I think I am going to have some of this book memorized soon... my T has been on vacation so I have been trying to keep myself busy reading!!! I bet I am going to overwhelm the crap out of her on Wednesday with all of my new info from this book!

I found a copy at the library and am hoping to have it memorized before I have to give it back. Really good stuff and easy to understand. A lot of it made me cry though. Hopefully this info will help me have some good discussions with my T.

I bet I am going to overwhelm the crap out of her on Wednesday with all of my new info from this book![/QUOTE]
Ha ha thats hilarious

They should do more studies on therapy.

quote:

love that book too!
I cant read certain parts of the maternal transference part because it is too real for me.

I know what you mean. I cried over some of what I read in those parts.

i gave it to my therapist to read and she loved the book. She is in therapy too and so she could relate to both sides of the "couch"

I have this book coming to me via the library in my town. Looking forward to reading it.

Wiz

I don't like the book.

It depresses me.

It reminds me of the limitations of my relationship with my T.

It makes me wish I had never gone into therapy, because it's so fricken' painful.

I'm going to return the book to the library, and go on as if I've never read it. I'm going to continue on with my transference as before. I don't want these answers right now.

Anyone else experience anything similar to this?

I find the book interesting to read. It's an excellent book for anyone wanting to enter therapy or is involved in therapy. Informative and helped to answer questions without going into a massive research effort to find a answer to a simple question

IMO it lacks clinical theory to support the concepts and therapy. I think its a useless book for therapists to read unless they want a review. They are typically too well educated and too well trained for this book. It lacks clinical

Wiz

This is an amazing book. I feel less insane now. Thanks for bringing it up!

After I finish- A GENERAL THEORY OF LOVE, I think this is another book I need.

quote:

Originally posted by Summer:
I'm not sure what I believe exactly about transference, whether or not what I experienced was transference or did I just simply love the man. I think the book implies that all feelings of love within therapy are transference and I don't agree with that.

Summer, I think transference is so much bigger word then love. I actually do cherish that word cause it contains all the things I feel towards my T. All the emotions that I can't describe, that I couldn't imagine they would exist. There will never be a feeling bigger then that for me, so I'm glad there is a different word to name it.

I'm reading the book at the moment. My feelings are that the book is about what can go wrong in therapy but not what the therapy is or should be. It's a good read anyway. But I found much more comforting Michael Khan's book (which is refered to quite often in 'In Session) 'Between therapist and client. The new relationship'. It really helped me to understand what is going on in therapy and what the therapist attitude towards me is.

Hi Echo,
The book was actually based on a survey the author did of women who had been in therapy. She asked a long set of questions about their experiences and then followed up with in depth interviews with respondents who were willing. So the types of therapy covered was very broad. I remember at least one woman who had actually done a broad range of different types. The book is really written from the perspective of what its like to be in therapy and is one of the few books I've ever read that talks about the emotional intensity from the patient's point of view.

And while we're on the subject of types of therapy, I'm not sure if you're aware of this or not, but the studies that have been done on the efficacy of therapy actually find that the strongest factor in therapies which are successful is the strength of the relationship between the patient and therapist, regardless of which type of therapy is being done.

AG

Hi Echo,
I definitely agree with that. I think the relationship is still important even in short term therapy but in long term therapy I there's an opportunity to form a deeper relationship. And since CBT is more goal focused it also pulls the spotlight off the relationship. But then again, I've only ever done long term therapy (way TOO long ) so I could be completely off base.

AG

Hi AG,
I just wanted to say, that in all I have read from you, you have never been off base.
I have not been on in a while, but good things are happening. I am learning to feel a bit more comfortable in my own skin - and for me, that is huge. I see my T every two weeks and tomorrow is the day. Normally at this point I am stressed with things bottled inside, but tonight- things are pretty cool- so that shows growth.
A few weeks ago- I was dealing with some parent-early childhood issues involving issues of ... well- feelings of not being protected when I needed protection- this lack of protection led to bad things happening to me. Any way in the midst of the pain, as I silently sat with my head down in my hands, my T crouched on the floor next to me and placed his hand lightly on my back. Then his other hand on my forehead. Nothing weird though. He was trying to comfort me, but I went completely numb.- couldn't think or feel, so i just sat that way for several minutes, trying in my head to figure it out. The following session he told me it was body therapy. (earlier in the session, he brought up trying the EMDR therapy again- I am a bit afraid of it because I really don't get it)In between sessions- I had one late night of anxiety, but also I was remembering some early childhood stuff, that I had not remembered before- at all. Is there a link between the body psychotherapy and the flooding of memories I'd experienced several days later? Have you ever experienced this? Is this a product of body-psychotherapy- do you know?
Not much more to say- other than I hope you are well and I always look forward to hearing from you- You and everyone else. All of you are such a great comfort.

Sorry everyone- I just realized- that I was totally off topic.
I read "A General Theory of Love" I highly, highly recommend it. (thanks for the tip-AG) and I am looking forward to reading- "In Session..."

Hi DeJa Vu,
I have not found In Session, but a General Theory of Love- I bought on Amazon for $10 and change. I found it to be worth every penny,
Happy Reading!

Thanks Deja Vu- I will check that out.

I recently ordered a used copy of In Session from Amazon -- received it in only two days and finished reading it yesterday. There's a lot to think about and I'm still digesting it, but I am not sorry I ordered it. Only sorry I didn't read it sooner.

Hello All,
I recently purchased the book (2010) because of all the reveiews I heard about it in reading your comments.
thanks for the reference. It has arrived yet, but I am anxious to get my hands and eyes on it, as I am not new to the transference feelings I have for my T.

I haven't opened up to her about this yet, but I hope to "one day" share the magnitude of my feelings for her - In Session - and Out.

Hi Rebuilding,
Just wanted to say hi and welcome to the forums! Hope you enjoy the book, it really helped me normalize all the feelings I was having. Looking forward to hearing your take on it.

AG

hmm... just reading through this post and I think I will check out A General Theory of Love and In Session. Anything that might help me understand all this stuff better would probably be really good

Hi JaneDoe,

You can't go wrong with those two books! They are extremely helpful in making sense of what happens in therapy. Reading them made me feel not so unique, not so alone, and gave me courage to ask for what I wanted in therapy.

(On a totally unrelated side note...I liked your avatar, but didn't recognize it from the selection I'd seen on this site, so I went back into the edit profile function and discovered that we can now have our own custom avatars! I wonder how long that's been there...so I picked this one because my "inner child" is the true "strummergirl" Thanks, ShrinkLady!)

SG

Oh, you're very welcome! :-)