I just started a medication a few minutes ago and it's for chronic nuero-muscular problem I've had for awhile. It's weird to even say I have this medical problem, as I still do sprint-triathlons and I'm quite active despite being told more than once I'd never walk up a flight of stairs again. I have a good neurologist and he said I have a "very sensitive nervous system that seems to bounce back in spite of this disease." (if only my heart was so resilient.)

It's a very rare medication, and one of the few to treat this medical problem I have - AND it happens to cause dissociation as a side effect. Because of this, it's generally contraindicated for people with PTSD. For me, it's my best treatment option - even with this darn side effect. I've only got to wrestle through this for a day but the dissociative effects have started to sink in and I just ugh… I feel so out of control of my own sense of having a self in such a basic way… and nothing feels real or familiar…

I’ve had to have infusions of this medication, so I know what it’s like at it’s worst - and this is not as bad as the infusion. My T and I talked about getting through this before I took the medication today and she suggested to connect with safe people I know and try to just rest and let the medication do it‘s thing. Ugh, self care. I hate self care, even when I simply HAVE to do it or I won‘t be able to function… I do have a friend who is gonna be checking in on me today. But I do not like this. can I just say? this sucks. I'm only 30 minutes into it. blah. ick. I want all of me back in one piece. even broken pieces. I just want me back.

somehow, all I can feel is like I want to just eat chocolate cake and curl up under a blanket and cry.

janedoe: I send warm and healing thoughts your way!!

dragonfly and sarah - thanks so much!
a few tears, but i'm comforted.

Janedoe,

That sounds positively awful. I'm so sorry that you have to experience these side effects. I hope that in time they will minimize or at least you won't need the medication very often. I think curling up under a blanket and eating chocolate cake sounds like a great plan.

Oh Janedoe, I would totally bake you a chocolate cake if I could. I'm sorry, it will be over soon.

aw, thanks...

it was the worst about an hour or so ago. a friend was with me, and she says i wouldn't let her be very close. she said i kept asking if i was safe. (and she kept affirming.) i don't remember it very well. she said i told her i just needed to crawl in bed and she hung out in the next room studying until i was more ok and she headed off to class...

it's getting a little easier now. i have to take another dose - but not for a little while, and hopefully get to sleep through that and then i will be done with this med! (and back to my 'normal' self and my normal occasional 'trauma' related dissociating.)

right now, it's coming and going in waves. my friend says on the outside i look spacey and sad and sometimes "small." inside - well, it's a nightmare. i keep reminding myself it will be over soon...

"small." i want to be big and scare everything bad away. i am in such a weird place. thanks for not minding me posting here. it helps. and thanks so much for the encouragement. that helps so much too - even more than chocolate cake

i just remembered! i had this article from my doctor i was going post... about an over-the-counter medication that can lead to increased dissociating: dextromethorphan, a cough medication, often in cold meds, *can* (not always) lower the dissociative threshold for brains that have already learned how to cope that way - same mechanism of action as this prescribed medication (only this crazy drug i'm on is much much more powerful and has several mechanisms of action.) but i've noticed i will be more sensitive to be dissociative and/or less grounded, in a trauma triggered way, if i take any cold meds with that in it. i will have to post that stinking article later... when i get "me" back again...

That is interesting about the cold meds. Whenever I take those, I get really bad nightmares and I wake up panicked and I have flashbacks. Interesting. I knew it was the meds, but figured I was just weird.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way JD...hope it gets better real soon. Hugs,

BB

I am all too familiar with dextromethorphan. It’s the active ingredient in Robitussin. I used to take a very high dose of adderall with a double dose of robitussin and it would give a great high. It’s so hard to talk about. But I would be interested in the article and learning more about it. I’m just starting to get to a place where I can talk a little bit about drug use without having a horrible panic attack.

Sending lots of hugs your way ((((JD))))

Janedoe: Are you feeling better today??

STRM - I thought it was just me too!

smiley - thank you

MacLove - I will post it soon!
btw, i'm impressed with anyone who wrestles with drug use and makes it to the other side, and i admire your courage to talk about it, even a little. dextromethorphan is a commonly underestimated medication...

Sarah - thanks for asking! I'm doing better, mostly back to my 'normal' self. ugh, I hate that med. i hate what it does to my head. i had a nightmare last night that my T died. it took me a bit to "wake up" from it. so glad it's over and the drug is going out of my system and things are feeling "real" and connected again.

I still want chocolate cake though... I think I'm gonna "give in" and make one today! how are you doing today? I hope today is easier for you as well. ((((sarah))))

JD - I'm so sorry to hear of the effect this medication has on you! And so sorry to hear of the nightmare last night, how truly awful. I'm glad to hear the effects are finally starting to wear off! And above all, I want to say, I'm so incredibly proud of you and amazed to see how very well you are taking care of yourself through what you have to do!!! Posting here, having another friend watch out for you...asking for help and not trying to do it alone...I love that you are doing this. Thank you for sharing this with us. And I'd really like to make you that chocolate cake (with as much as some of us like chocolate cake there really should be a chocolate cake icon somewhere ).

Hugs,
SG

Oh my goodness I think I would wake up screaming and crying if I ever had a dream that my T died! I actually did have a dream about my T last night but it wasn't anything bad, thank goodness.
Just like strummgergirl said, I am also impressed with how well you seem to be handeling it. You've still managed to be sane and talk to everyone through it all. I honestly don't think I could do that!