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This message has been edited. Last edited by: xoxo,

UV I'm so sorry you had to delete your post. Just want to say I did read it and am really sorry for what you are going through at the moment. (((( UV ))))

LL

{{{{{{{{UV}}}}}}}}

I read your post too. What you are going through sounds terribly painful and confusing and I'm so sorry you are going through it. There was so much that you said that I wanted to wait a bit before replying...and now that you deleted, I'm not sure you want replies that will refer to what you wrote (?). I hope it is okay to offer a little feedback in just telling you my reactions, just to be supportive...and if you want me to delete it, just let me know and I will, OK?

And I also want to add the disclaimer that I have NO kind of formal training or personal experience with psychosis or "breakdowns" as you described them so I am just woefully out of my depth here, which is why I hesitated in responding...but it sounds like you really need support and I want to give what I can...so please take my observations and reactions with a huge grain of salt in terms of advice value...mostly I just want you to know you are seen and heard, for whatever help that gives.

What you are being asked to do for X sounds very unhealthy and dangerous for you, because of X's partner who is violent...I wouldn't want to do it and I felt afraid for you when you described it. When you describe your mother's behavior, and then describe the history of mental health issues you and your siblings have experienced, it sounds like possibly your mother is mentally ill as well. Maybe this is even something that you all have inherited from her, genetically speaking? Which has then made worse because it sounds like she's not getting help, so her symptoms and behaviors are triggering all of you. So much pain for all of you...so I want to say I believe what you are seeing in your mother's behavior, and I also believe what you are seeing in yourself as to some symptoms of mental illness. I was very surprised that your T didn't seem worried about your symptoms. In my opinion, you should get another opinion, because from the little bit I've read, symptoms such as this only get worse if left untreated, and they also get worse under stress. If the hospital where your sister has been treated is frightening for you, can you try another facility?

One more thing, I can tell from your account that you care very much for your family...but the first person you need to watch out for and take care of is YOU, in terms of your safety and well-being. My heart really goes out to you, UV, this sounds like an incredibly painful and lonely place to be. I hope I haven't said anything out of turn or offensive, and like I said if you want me to delete this just tell me. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs,
SG

Hi UV,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. When I read your post, I didn't hear anything that sounded like psychosis, though. Has someone told you that what you're feeling is psychotic? When I think of psychosis, I think of delusional thinking and hallucination and intense paranoia (thinking you're being monitored by the government, or that someone is reading your thoughts, etc). What you describe in your post sounds more like real - if incredibly frightening - emotions trying like hell to come into consciousness, causing lots of anxiety (when I say 'anxiety' I don't excessive worry. I mean real, intense fear and dread). Sounds to me like these emotions (and maybe memories?) are also trying to make themselves known in your dreams, too.

quote:

Originally posted by ultraviolet:
A year ago, last time nightmares started such as a turbulent windy room of childhood objects overtaken by purple and red colors; also, a dark stormy ocean with me hanging on ropes on a ship while overlooking the ocean, and components of SA. Hypnagognia (sp) of images and lots of emotional flooding. Obsessively reading about mental health stopped me from falling apart that time, I believe. I'm not having the stormy associations this time-so maybe that's less indicative of psychosis. It's more like dread and horror feelings, though.

I have bad dreams that leave me feeling dread and horror all the time. I'm not a SA victim, but I've recently had dreams about drowning, climbing up steep hills and tall structures (very frightening) and other stuff that leaves me feeling absolutely wretched and full of an un-nameable dread. But if we see our dreams as messages from our soul, or from another, long-neglected part of ourselves, then can feel a little less horrifying. I sure hope your doc isn't calling your dreams 'psychotic.' My T calls dreams gifts to myself.

quote:

Originally posted by ultraviolet:
...quiet stuff like I'll stop talking and stare to the right...

I do this all the time, usually when I'm trying to understand something my T said, trying to figure out how best to explain something, or trying to locate a feeling. If this is dissociation, then I do it, too.

UV, obviously I'm not a psycotherapist or any kind of mental health professional, so take this for what it's worth, but much of what you describe doesn't sound like the experience of a psychotic. It sounds like the experience of someone in real emotional pain, and it sounds like there's a part of you that is desperately striving for well-being by trying to get you to become aware of your feelings and memories, and your ego consciousness is very, very frightened of this. I think you'd be psychotic if you weren't feeling intense dread.

Russ

UV just wanted to say that you are being pretty strong about everything, and have some keen insights into things. I'm inclined to chime in with Russ that you're not psychotic (as in, the state of pyschosis) but that strong controlled negative feelings, especially fear, can trigger states and experiences that border on psychotic (ie irrational, bizarre, unreal, and most of all very very threatening). It sounds like you have a great Pdoc (and I'm glad to hear he's Pdoc rather than a straight T, makes a difference when dealing with seemingly 'irrational' experiences such as you are describing.)

Hope your meeting with him (yesterday?) went well.

Hugs to you UV

LL

UV,

Thanks for the wonderful reply.

About 6 weeks ago my T said something startling to me in reference to what I got from my parents emotionally as a child. He said, "you experience your conflicts as anxiety and head fog. You're luck you're not psychotic, and I'm serious."

At first I laughed, but then it pretty much freaked me out. Like you, and like most people, I have this incredible dread of "losing my mind" or "going crazy."

Well, before this more or less chronic head fog, I had terrible night-time panic attacks for almost 20 years, which felt exactly like "losing my mind" or "going crazy." Of course, I never did. During those attacks, I just took a klonopin and within 40 minutes I was just fine, and I only had about 6 a year.

So, I guess I have more psychological resources than I give myself credit for.

quote:

Same with the tall structures-they are overpowering. And the steep hills, possibly, being overwhelmed and feeling weak; again, related to control and powerlessness. I suppose you could see it as coming from your soul rather than core issues-or those could be the same concept based on personal perceptions... Did you by chance ever work through anything related to this?

Yes, the majority of my dreams feature me being or feeling powerless. However, recently I have had a couple of dreams where I am the aggressor. For example, I've had many dreams about intruders coming into my home. Most of the time, I'm powerless to do anything about it, but the last dream I had where someone unwanted came into my house, I shot him right between the eyes, and felt damn good doing it.

But, yes, powerlessness, being out of control, those are both very prevalent in my dreams. I had a dream last night where I was in a position of power and was able to be assertive and voice my opinion about something, so I'm not powerless in all of them.

As far as core issues, I'm starting to think we haven't even touched on them yet. I could be wrong, but I think that if we had, I wouldn't still feel as awful as I do so much of the time.

quote:

Do you feel dizziness or 'chemicals' in your brain when you drift off in session? If not, it could be a very mild dissocation?

Sometimes when I'm really foggy, I do feel dizzy, and I'm often very nervous and activated during sessions because I'm still very nervous when talking to my T. But, I've never drifted off or "checked out" in sessions.

But, this other thing happens a lot: my T will be explaining something, and as I'm following what he's saying, I'll lock onto something he says and start thinking about it and processing it, but in the meantime, I miss a lot of what came after it. I've explained this to him and he understands.

Thanks for explaining hypervigilance to me. I have to tell you that if what you describe is hypervigilance, then I know A LOT of hypervigilant people. Your example of a co-worker stealing a client...I think it'd be odd if you *weren't* hypervigilant after that. That seems like a pretty normal response to me.

Thanks again,
Russ

Russ

quote:

"you experience your conflicts as anxiety and head fog. You're luck you're not psychotic, and I'm serious."

Gosh Russ all I can say is that you and me both and a whole heap of others here too on the forum could be classed as lucky we're not psychotic then!! I am not surprised that alarmed you, it would have me too big time. In my inexpert opinion, it has not a lot to do with psychosis, but more about your coping strategies for dealing with life when anxous and stressed and I think that lots of people deal with it as you do. That head fog is common for me a lot of the time, especially in therapy of just after. I have drivfted off many a time and checked out - could say I do most sessions, because of the nature of what we are alking about, again that's just a way of self protection that I'm slowly learning to change.

quote:

and I'm often very nervous and activated during sessions because I'm still very nervous when talking to my T

Are you nervous of your T Russ, or nervous about the things you are talking about? For me it's the latter most definitely, but I wonder what it is for you? Have you told your T about that? It sounds like he is pretty aware of what happens for you though, so expect he does realise, but just saying it someimes helps...

starfish

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Russ

Just a thought

quote:

At first I laughed, but then it pretty much freaked me out. Like you, and like most people, I have this incredible dread of "losing my mind" or "going crazy."

I think we have all had times when we have had these thoughts, but there are often times when are heads don't behave as we'd like them to, as a result of stress, anxiety, memories or whatever we are experiencing. It doesn't make it any less scary I know, but sometimes just to know that this is a reaction and probably not a permanent feature, might help allay your fears. I know when it was first pointed out to me that I disociated and realised that other people around me didn't, I thought I was a bit mad. But when I learned why it was happening, that other people in similar circumstances did likewise and that it wasn't (hopefully) going to be a permanent feature of my life, it demystified it and took away some of the fear.

I think what I'm trying to say that even if you do feel head fogs, check out,dissociate or have an episode of psychosis or similar....it doesn't mean you are 'losing your mind' or 'going crazy'. It's really not nice to have any of these things, but you can still regain the power and control back over your life, that you fear losing, that you write about and seems to feature in your dreams. That powerless feeling is really horrid, really debilitating, but it really sounds like you are turning a corner here and feeling stronger to begin to fight back.

quote:

So, I guess I have more psychological resources than I give myself credit for.

I am glad of that Russ, I think it's really good in the midst of all our work with our Ts, to be able to realise that too

starfish

Hi Starfish,

Thanks for your comments. I really do think that my symptoms exist for a good reason, and if I can ever get to what's behind them (certain emotions, beliefs, whatever) that they'll melt away. I just have to stop thinking so much and allow myself to feel more.

Cheers,
Russ