I was googling about trust, and came across this article. I found it very reassuring for me in my process to sort out trust in my relationships in general, and trust my T.

This paragraph really stood out to me as the author compared therapy to "secular pastoral care" -

quote:

but one caring human can provide for another a place to be heard, to be cared for, to be known. We can provide for another a place to struggle with whatever torments have befallen him or her, in the company and care of another. If we will.

That's much scarier for the therapist than teaching "skills ," or "correcting distortions," or whatever other whistling-in-the-dark illusion the therapist employs to pretend to know more than anyone knows, to distance himself (or herself) from the murkier, troubling realities of conflicted human finitude. To be present to the suffering of another soul, devoid of mythical certitudes, is to know life in its fearsome confusion, to see through a glass darkly, to know the fecklessness of human vitality.

I have to say, this has been the most healing thing I have experienced in therapy, and the hardest thing I have experienced in therapy - to have my T know me, and be very present with me, in the middle of the pain of my heart and soul. It requires me to be as present as I can, in whatever way I can. It is so hard for me to do, risk, and yet when I do, and my T is there with me in it, it's really healing. I don't even know how it happens exactly, but there have been a few times where it has happened with my T. Somehow, it puts my heart at rest to remember it.

jd
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/the...rust-in-therapy.html

Time to Know: Trust in Therapy
by Robert "Bob" Fancher, Ph.D.
Thu, Jan 27, 2011

"Thanks for being patient," the guy (let's call him Joe) said as he shook my hand and left the office.

He'd begun to session by saying, "I've been working up to what I want to talk about today for a while. It's really scary."

He'd been working up to it for well over a year, and when he said what he needed to say, I understood why. He was ashamed, and terrified of what his weighty revelation might portend.
Therapy, done well, routinely brings out what's difficult to face, to say, to understand.

In most therapeutic relationships, getting to the place where such things can be said takes a while.

Even in therapies where there is no dark secret, the therapist's knowing the patient-and the patient's making him- or herself known-doesn't happen quickly or easily. Knowing the patient as an individual, not as one more example of a type, a diagnostic category, or some other sort of generic textbook specimen, requires a great deal of information. That takes time. And it takes trust.

Trust on both people's parts. The patient has to trust the therapist's intentions, integrity, intelligence, and insight-and his or her heart. The therapist has to trust the patient's accuracy and truthfulness.

Trust has to be earned. Which, again, takes time.

Time itself won't get the job done, of course. A therapist can misunderstand a patient, or guide the patient by mistaken notions, for a long, long time. And a patient can create and embellish a fundamentally wrong story for as long as breath and money hold out.

But what has to happen for knowing to take place requires time.

So I don't trust short-term therapies. I find utterly bizarre and incredible the notion that a therapist can know much about an individual in just a few sessions, and I am quite sure that virtually no one talks candidly about his or her deepest worries and darkest deeds soon after meeting a stranger.

But it's not just short-term therapies that militate against a patient's being known. Any sort of programmatic therapy-any therapy based upon preconceived notions and mechanical methods-makes sure that the patient will get with the program. Or quit.

Either sort of therapy leaves people like Joe-of whom there are many-simply to carry their secrets, still, alone. And it leaves all of its victims-I mean, patients-with ways of living that have little to do with the truths of their singular lives.

When I think of therapy as secular pastoral care, one thing I know is this: the theories that therapists use to interpret suffering generally fall somewhere on the scale from fairy tales to plausible hypotheses, but one caring human can provide for another a place to be heard, to be cared for, to be known. We can provide for another a place to struggle with whatever torments have befallen him or her, in the company and care of another. If we will.

That's much scarier for the therapist than teaching "skills ," or "correcting distortions," or whatever other whistling-in-the-dark illusion the therapist employs to pretend to know more than anyone knows, to distance himself (or herself) from the murkier, troubling realities of conflicted human finitude. To be present to the suffering of another soul, devoid of mythical certitudes, is to know life in its fearsome confusion, to see through a glass darkly, to know the fecklessness of human vitality.

In the many months before Joe could speak to me as witness and counselor to his terror, I often despaired of helping him. I knew the picture he'd presented made too little sense, that something more must be happening. I'd not managed to move him out of his defensive terror. Now, though, I think we have a chance. I think we can muddle through, bringing to bear a multitude of possibilities on his behalf.

Maybe we won't make it-my "success rate" is pretty good, but hardly one hundred percent. But we have a chance now. We have a better idea of what we're dealing with.

And that's a whole lot more than Joe would have if I'd tried to get him with the program, quickly.

Hi janedoe Can I just say thanks for posting this, I really relate to the bit where you say it works and what is means when it does work (my last session was a bit like that) and it reminds me that we are still building on that trust which is creeping in to our work together. This really reminded me today what lays at the centre of my work with my T - so a big thanks for posting despite the hand troubles

Jane, thanks for posting that. It is a very important article as it basically makes the case for psychodynamic therapy and its effectiveness. It is the being "known" and "heard" that somehow heals us. It's the risking and taking that chance that our T will be there for us and they will bear witness to our gut wrenching pain and terror. To BE with us in our grief. This IS the almost mystical healing part of therapy that is SO hard to explain to someone when they ask "but how does telling your problems/secrets to some stranger help you to heal?" I can see how people outside of therapy would be puzzled by this.

On that day when I opened the package sent to my T from OldT, I opened it in front of and with my current T. He was truly "there" with me while I went through the contents and experienced the horrible pain and grief of seeing what was in the box. I think it made a HUGE difference in how I processed that event. If I had opened it alone I believe the outcome would have been much worse for me. I'm not sure, but I hope my T understands how important it was for me to have him there with me that day.

And the author is correct, this takes a lot of time and trust and feeling safe to build to the point of revealing the horrors that haunt us. But as those who have been through it and come out the other side will attest... what happens there in that therapy room with a trusted therapist is almost magical.

TN

quote:

As with antidepressant medications, it's not a good idea to quit therapy abruptly or without discussing it with your therapist. Some therapists find it best to taper off slowly, perhaps decreasing sessions from weekly to biweekly, then to monthly, and finally to telephone check-ins as needed.

Thanks for the link to the website Jane. What a cool guy. This hit me right between the eyes, from another article by the same guy, on when to quit therapy. ouch. It makes me realize that my perceptions of being neglected within the framework of my therapy were correct. He just didn't care, it was like, ok, bye, no matter how much I am still struggling in my daily life-but kept insisting that he did care. In fact, he would subscribe to everything written in the article Jane linked to. So weird. Clearly I am dislikable or making my problems up. ugh. sorry to hijack...

quote:

So weird. Clearly I am dislikable or making my problems up. ugh. sorry to hijack...

BB,
Can't let you get away with this (and I'm in between dialog boxes right now ). Let me get this straight: He fails to fulfill his professional obligation to carry through on your termination process by letting it end abruptly and the problem lies with you? I don't think so feathered one.

PS Jane great article! I like Dr. Bob, did a lot of reading on his web site a few years back.

Beebs.... I would not let you get away with that either and I totally agree with AG (how strange LOL)!!

Your T did not fulfill his professional responsibilities ( just like my oldT) and WE are not to be blamed for this. I know that is hard to accept but it's the truth.

Thanks,
TN

sure...let's see here... (beebs grunts while pulling out all of her amazing technology skills)

Ta-da!!! http://forum.psychlinks.ca/the...-to-end-therapy.html

I heard the song today (I forget the name or singer) that says in it “When everything is meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am…” and it reminded me of this article.

DebbieN - so glad you found it helpful!

bb - thanks for the link! yeah, I like what this guy writes, it helps me see things in a different light. it helps me have more peace w/ ending w my old T...

and I concur w/ AG and TN – and I’m glad his writing helped you see it was time to end with him. It wasn’t you. Someone can know theory and ideas really well, and fail to put them into practice over the long haul, which is what we need. It’s not you. I think your T was perhaps just too sure of himself, and who knows, just had his own stuff. He failed to fight for you, and I’m so sorry. Sweet bb, you are not just incredibly likeable, but loveable and loved. many hugs to you

and the same goes for you JD- thanks for the kind words. And thanks for the infor and link...and thanks AG and TN, too- I'll try and take that in.

quote:

He just didn't care, it was like, ok, bye, no matter how much I am still struggling in my daily life-but kept insisting that he did care. In fact, he would subscribe to everything written in the article Jane linked to. So weird. Clearly I am dislikable or making my problems up. ugh. sorry to hijack...

Beebs much of this also holds true for my oldT. AND this is exactly what I have been processing and dealing with in therapy with my current T. This is not easy stuff to work out and come to terms with. I think you may need some help with this. You were hurt interpersonally (by another trusted person) and you need to process it and heal through an interpersonal relationship (i.e, another T). I really hope you will give it some thought. I know you don't want to hear this but I care about you a lot and I hate to see you beat yourself up.

Hugs to you
TN

(((((((((((Beebs))))))))))) FWIW, both of my previous male T's "agreed" on the surface to these principles...but in practice, they let me go, just as abruptly as your T has let you go. There's thinking you've got it, and then there's really "getting it". These T's "thought" they understood it, but in practice, they obviously didn't. It's very confusing from our standpoint...but I just want to add to the voices reassuring you, you really do "get it", and your T didn't really get it like he thought he did.

quote:

It makes me realize that my perceptions of being neglected within the framework of my therapy were correct.

Yes, yes, and yes. This HURTS SO MUCH, I know...but also, on the other side of the pain, is the realization that, at least for this, you can TRUST YOUR OWN PERCEPTIONS. Eventually, the realization of this made me feel kind of powerful, in a couple of different ways...trusting my own perceptions in this...and even more, behind that, was the realization that I deserved more than neglect. I hope this makes sense...I can really see you awakening to this, Beebs...you ARE moving forward in this, realizing your own worth, that the rest of us can see so clearly...keep listening to AG, Jones, TN, and the rest of us telling you that you are most certainly NOT "dislikable" or "making your problems up", for goodness sake...you are lovely and loveable and deserve so much more than you got from this T, no matter what he believes about himself to be true...not that he's a terrible guy, I'm not trying to bash him in general...but HE failed YOU, Beebs. Not the other way around.

And I'll be happy to state that as many times as you need to hear it. I lost count of how many times I needed to hear it myself.

Big love and very big hugs to you,
SG

Thanks TN aand SG andJD and AG. I'm sorry I hijacked this little area, I didn't mean too.

thanks for your reassurances. I'm hearing you but I find I just can't seem to take it in. I just keep thinking about it from my T's perpective, and what *he* would think, and he would think..."well, you made the decision to go, and now you are blaming me for not stopping you, when it very well may be in your best interests.." you know?

I just...arg.